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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23758012">Teach Me How To Love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fearthefaithful/pseuds/Fearthefaithful'>Fearthefaithful</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Teach Me How [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Anxiety, Ben Solo is a Mess, Ben is dating Paige but Rey is in love with Ben, Comment Your Theories, Dark Reylo, Dominant Ben Solo, Drug Use, Enemies, F/M, Forbidden Love, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Im Sorry If This Makes You Cry, Im Trying To Not Give Away Too Much In The Tags, Mutual Pining, Non-Consensual Drug Use, POV Rey, POV Rey (Star Wars), Pain, Porn, Protective Ben Solo, Read this if you wanna cry, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Sad, Sex, Smut, The Pain Train, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would, Tragic Romance, Unrequited Love, this is gonna hurt, will they won't they</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:09:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>156,029</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23758012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fearthefaithful/pseuds/Fearthefaithful</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben Solo was always wrong for her. Her frenemy. The guy who she could never get over. Her sisters boyfriend. Year after year of trying to distance herself from him or to move on and it never seemed to work. But Ben and Paige were going to get married. </p><p>And Rey had to move on. </p><p>Because she couldn’t hold on to a guy she could never have forever....</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p>Or...<br/>where Rey and Ben always just missed each other on their timing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ben Solo &amp; Paige Tico, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Teach Me How [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2227191</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>988</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>612</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Ijustfellintothissendhelp, The Best of Reylo</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So here's this. Quarantine is hard. It makes you watch sad movies and write sad stories. </p><p>Right now.. this is just one painful chapter. But I may or may not continue it. But right now it's just this. So let me know what you think.</p><p>Sorry in advance.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>There was a time when I wasn’t in love with him. There had to be. Because I refuse to believe that I’ve spent all or most of my 1,227 weeks on this planet in love with him. I can’t believe that he’s my soulmate or that we were destined to be together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I can’t believe that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Especially since I didn’t even know if I believed in love before we met. Before him, I was just an orphan girl who thought most people who thought they were in love were just crazy fools who hadn’t dealt with the reality of life yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And I held on to the hope that before I knew him there had to be a time I didn’t love him. Even if I don’t remember it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was scared and anxious at the thought that I had loved him for as long as I could remember with no end in sight. And I felt like a complete idiot. Mostly because he’s an ass but also because even though I love him… I don’t really like him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mind had become disillusioned with him and his status and stature but my heart made its decisions without me or my brain’s permission. It ached for him like a craving for something I was allergic to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And the worst part was… this food that I was allergic to was someone else’s. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben and Paige had been together since the very end of their senior year of highschool. They’d only broken up once during that time and it was only for a few months and then got right back together as if they'd lost no time at all. Paige was my family. She and Rose moved into the foster I had been staying in for a while when I was 17 and we had been like sisters ever since. But she and Ben were in the same grade and both equally as beautiful so by the end of their high school career they were the </span>
  <em>
    <span>it</span>
  </em>
  <span> couple. Despite my sisterhood with Paige, and my love for her, it felt like a gut punch and it knocked the wind out of me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But my feelings for Ben didn’t change. He went to college with her and I ended up across the state. I loved him but didn’t like him. I missed him but avoided him completely. It’s not as if we had this secret flame before Rose had come to town but there was some kind of connection. Even all those years ago. I loved him but I never fell in love with him. It was like it appeared and then I couldn’t figure out where it came from or how long it had been there. We had been friends, maybe even frenemies because of his shitty personality, but then they moved to college and I graduated a year later and avoided him like the plague. I had other relationships, and I actually liked them but never love. It was a curse. I tried so hard throughout my college years to overcome it or forget him but for some reason, everytime I tried to move on it was like the universe realized and sent him into my life in some way that made my feelings hang on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But now I was at my lowest of lows. I was sitting at Ben and Paige’s anniversary party where Ben was going to propose any minute, thinking about how awful I was. How truly truly terrible I am for loving the same guy for 8 years even though he was taken by my sister for half that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Paige is completely clueless about his plans for proposing this evening. But Ben had come and met with me, Rose and our parents who were really our foster parents who claimed us as their own, and asked us all if he could ask Paige to marry him. I walked out of the house that night for the first time officially knowing I would never know what it would be like to </span>
  <em>
    <span>like</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. I would always be fated to know what it would be like to love but never like Ben Solo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a deep breath in and a break from my self-loathing to try and engage once more into the gathering hall that was packed full of all of Ben and Paige’s closest friends and family. For an anniversary party. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Who has those for dating anyways? </span>
  </em>
  <span>That’s not normal. She has to know something’s up. But she was glowing, and across the room she smiled brightly with Ben at her side, greeting every guest she came into contact with. She was stunning and breathtaking and I loved her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey! You’re up. Time for your speech. Come on.” Rose had taken me by surprise when she’d come up behind me and began to push me towards the stage and the mic at the front of the room. I was starting to panic. Paige had asked both me and Rose to give speeches at the party and just a few days later was when Ben came to the house asking for permission to propose and I was puking up my dinner in the bathroom. All thoughts on the speech had completely left my mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rose, I don’t think I can do this.” I rushed out in a panic. I tried to slow my steps but Rose continued to push on through. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you can. This is your sister. Biological or no, she’s your sister. You can get over whatever sickness you’ve been dealing with for the next 5 minutes to say a few nice things about her and Ben.” With that, she gave me one final shove onto the stage and retreated away into the crowd. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wiped my hands down my side and sucked in a deep breath. My feet scooted across the stage quickly before I could chicken out and flee the building.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello everyone,” I called attention from the mic, my hands trembling as I gripped it. My mind raced to find the words–any words. All I could think was, ‘I shouldn’t be here.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I– uh I just wanted to thank you all for coming out tonight. We’re all so happy and grateful you’re here.” I tried to smile. The half a glass of wine I had before did nothing for my nerves. The shaking in my hand only got worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I also wanted to just say a few words about the happy couple.” I swallowed. “These two are just so special, I think. They’ve been in love for well… forever. And as someone who knew them both separately before they were together I must say…. They are pretty much the exact same– haven’t changed a bit.” A few people in the crowd laughed with me as I nervously chuckled in the mic. My eyes searched around and found Paige and Ben. She giggled along with me but Ben was noticeably tense. His arm draped lazily across the back of her chair but every single muscle of his was tense and tightened like he was ready to run. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I continued on, “They are the exact same people together and apart, and I think that is so rare. Most people change when they get into a relationship and then after a time that wears off and then you see the real them and it's just... Not that great. You don’t get what you thought you were getting and the person surprises you for the worse. Well, that’s not them. They are exactly who they are 100% of the time. Which means they are truly themselves in their relationship. Not this made-up person who you think your partner wants to see. They are real and– and honest and–” I paused as Ben grew tenser.” And true.” My voice cracked. “It’s incredible to witness. And I can see how much Ben loves my sister. Every single day. And I–I– I love him for that.” The lump in my throat grew at the words I had never had the courage to say out loud. I was terrified to look at Ben and see his face when I said that. Or after. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He makes her laugh, and he makes her so happy and I know,” tears fell freely from my eyes, “I know that no one can mess with that. They’re perfect for each other. They compliment each other and push each other and are always there for each other in a way I know most people in this room would love to have. I look up to them and hope that one day I can experience a love like that. Ben is so lucky to have my sister too because she is so much fun and so bright and brave. And I know she brings light into his life like she has done with mine. I'm so thankful for her. She’s my best friend and I wish her all the happiness. And Ben better treat her right. Everyone can tell he does though, and see how right they are for each other.” I kept my eyes anywhere but him. Because if I didn’t look at him as I said it then it wasn’t real. And I couldn’t look at her for the fear of love and tears that filled her eyes at what she felt was my emotional heartfelt words. “I’m happy for them.” Thankfully that was my first lie of the night. And I prayed to God my last. “And I know that in 10– 20– 30 years we will look back on this moment and see how special and magical this couple is. So tonight,” I sucked in a breath. “Let’s make a toast to Paige and Ben. May their days be filled with love and joy.” My voice cracked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you both more than I could ever say,” I whispered and then set the mic back before I made my way off the stage. The crowd clapped at my emotional speech as Rose made her way onto the stage to do hers. But I didn’t stay for it. I made a beeline out of the gathering hall and into the lobby. My hands had already wiped away the stray tears that had left my eyes as I pressed through the crowd. But the lump in my throat stayed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I always liked empty lobbies. It always felt weird and otherworldly when lobbies were empty. Almost like people should be there and when no one was it was almost like you were the only one in the world. The silence washed over me as the door closed behind me and dampened the sound of the party. I stood at the entrance for a beat, trying to compose myself before I walked through the room to the farthest window from the gathering hall. The window was large and covered everything from floor to ceiling. It also had the most beautiful and home-like view I could ask for. Seattle was beautiful. And also my home. And at night it felt like the biggest most magical city in the world. And the rain that night matched my melancholy in a way it never had before. The emptiness and void in my chest felt like how empty the lobby felt. But nothing in the world felt more like home than just seeing the Seattle skyline. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey.” I nearly jumped at the shock from his voice. My heart dropped but I didn’t dare turn around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong, Ben?” I asked softly. I heard him approach me slowly and then stop. My breath was fogging up the window, as I waited for him to answer. The silence spread on, and my fingers clenched and unclenched underneath my crossed arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You never said anything.” He whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart slowed. I locked my knees to keep them from buckling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He knew. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about?” I feigned innocence with a whisper. I clenched my eyes shut hoping to God he would go away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey– don’t bullshit me.” His voice was the most frustrated I’ve ever heard him. I continued to keep my eyes sealed shut and my arms crossed in front of my chest tightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After another minute he huffed out in annoyance. “Turn the hell around, Rey. This is serious.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My body spun as quickly as it could, desperate to obey him. I swallowed once I was finally met face to face with him and trained to stand up as straight as I could. “Stop saying my name.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes but ignored what I said. “Why didn’t you say anything?” His frustration and irritation grew and my aggravation right with it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What was I supposed to say, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” The lump in my throat grew with every word until it hurt to talk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He huffed out a humorless laugh. “Legitimately anything. But you wait until now to say something? You’re unbelievable. This is unbelievable.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My jaw dropped. “What the hell? What are you talking about? I didn’t say anything.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gave me a pointed look and then ran his hands frustratedly through his hair. “Don’t play fucking dumb, Rey.” He turned away for a second and then swung back even angrier than before. “How could you do this to me? To Paige! Do you see what kind of position this puts me in?” He seethed through his teeth, nearly shaking with anger. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tears welled in my eyes again. “I did nothing to you. I gave a speech for my sister's anniversary with her boyfriend. I gave you permission to propose and I planned this entire thing for you both. So whatever you’re saying, you’re mistaken.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned and paced, running his hands through his hair again quickly. “I just don’t understand why you never said anything before? And— and </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> is how I find out now.” He groaned in frustration. “I can’t believe you pulled this shit, Rey. That’s not fair.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh yeah, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I did not like him. “Are you kidding me? Don’t fucking blame me when I didn’t do anything, Ben. Your fianceé was in there hearing the words of her loving sister being moved with emotion. I’m sorry you heard anything different. But that is not my fault.” I was getting angry, so the sadness I felt earlier was replaced with ire. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He deflated a little bit and sighed, “She’s not my fianceé. Not yet anyway.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed thickly and nodded absentmindedly. This was still happening. They were still going to get engaged. I just needed to get this over with and go back to my apartment and find a way to get over him. I held on to hope that even time could heal this wound and break this bridge. I had to believe that I wouldn’t continue to be stuck on Ben Solo for the rest of my life because that reality was just too much to bear. I pleaded with every god known to man that one day... this was all be just a distant memory.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long?” His voice was quiet and rough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I blinked at him slowly before I turned back out to look at the city once more. Seattle truly was magnificent. It always rained when I needed it to. “Doesn’t matter.” I sucked in a sharp breath. “I don’t really want to talk and you should get back in there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quiet behind me for a while, but I just continued to watch the rain hitting the window. Seattle didn’t really rain as much as people thought, but it definitely did rain, and especially for about 30 minutes in the evenings, which I didn’t mind, but that could have been because this was my home and I was used to it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben slowly maneuvered next to me to look out the window himself. We sat in tense silence for minutes on end. After a while, I forced myself to look at him only to see his head lowered and his eyes closed. The muscles in his face were taught and he looked grim. Probably the grimmest I had ever seen him look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Almost like he felt my eyes on him, his head jerked up and he pierced me with his glare. “You don’t get to do this. This is my night. My night with Paige and instead of being a decent human being and letting her have her moment you had to go and try and make it all about you.” His words penetrated deep beneath the skin but he trudged on. “You try to make everything about you. You always have, ever since I’ve known you. Which is just so typical Rey. Oh, poor pitiful you. But I just didn’t think you’d do this to your sister but….” he went in for the kill, “guess she’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> your sister right?” His words were sharp and menacing. I immediately turned to look him in the eyes and only saw a bitter, hateful man, who I had no business giving a damn about and my heart broke further. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because…. he was right. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She and Rose were the closest thing I had to family but still not really family. Not in the way they were to each other. I had no blood relatives and no eternal bond with a parent or sibling. I had my foster parents, who were everything to me, but I would never be their child in the same way as their real children, both of whom had passed away before they were teenagers in a car wreck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had Paige and Rose who were like my sisters but they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>actual</span>
  </em>
  <span> sisters. Who grew and loved and lived together since they were babies, and after their mom passed they made their way to me. Became my sister. And now I did this to them. To Paige. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I blinked at him and swallowed. “You’re out of line, Ben. You have no right. I think you should go. Before you say something you could regret.” I tried to turn back towards the window and end the conversation but I was stopped by his hand gripping harshly on my elbow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think I’m the one we should be worrying about?” He stepped closer and tightened his grip. I winced at the pain that shot through my arm. “You stood in front of the whole damn room 15 minutes ago and confessed your love for me. Now whether your sister realizes it or not or anyone else in the room knows it, doesn’t matter. Because you and I know it. And if I were you I’d be pretty embarrassed. And I would regret my words then. Because that's pretty pathetic if you ask me. So whatever words I have said doesn’t mean anything because trust me, what you said was far worse. And yet for some reason, you seem to believe that I would regret something I said when in the grand scheme of things, anything I say to you means nothing.” By the time he wrapped up he was mere inches from my face and my jaw was slack as I struggled to keep it from trembling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I fell back a step and his eyes instantly switched. I could see the small flickers of regret there but his face never faltered. The hardness his tone held just minutes before reflected on his face and for a moment I felt paralyzed by it. His words cut deep and I felt like every terrible thing I had known about him before had just come to a head and he proved himself to be the ass I’d always known. And yet... My heart still loved him. I was angrier with myself than him because how could I care for him? Even in the slightest? When he can take time out of his day just to hurt me</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears filled my eyes but I was filled with courage. “You don’t know what I was saying, Ben, because you don’t know the first thing about me. So don’t start pretending like you do. Because since I met you all those years ago you never gave me the time of day. So go on about your happy life and I’ll go about mine because while whatever I feel for you is out of my control, I certainly don’t like you. I don’t even like you as a person. So do not act like you know me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His scowl deepened. “That’s what you think?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I know. And I’m tired of caring about it. And I’m tired of caring about you. So just leave me the hell alone.” I spat and ripped my arm in one swift move. I turned to leave and only got a few paces before I was yanked back harshly until I was facing him again and this time he looked enraged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You also don’t know a single fucking thing about me. Because I did– I really did give a damn about you and then you go pull this which shows how selfish you really are. So why would I even kind of like you much less love you?” My stomach dropped and I felt my heartbreak as he said the words. I saw as he recognized the pain on my face, and he quickly dropped my arm, like it burned him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mouth floundered. “Rey, I–“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need to leave.” My hands started shaking again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Rey.” His words turned soft and he tried to step in but I stepped away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben,” I warned, “you’ve said enough. And now it’s time for you to go.” I felt my stomach churning. I was going to puke. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, Rey. I really am sorry I– I shouldn’t have–”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop saying my name!” I yelled. I was crying, and probably harder than I realized, but I didn’t care anymore. “You don’t get to talk to me like you just did and say the things you just did and then keep calling me by my name like it’s an endearment. Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>not fucking fair.” I hiccuped a sob. “You don’t get to do that. Not tonight. Especially not tonight. So stop saying my name.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked shaken. We sat quietly staring at one another, breathing heavily. I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand in an attempt to break eye contact. "You should go back in there, She's waiting for you." I didn't look back up at him, but I saw him nod lamely out of the corner of my eye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I gave you that nickname." He spoke so quietly I could barely hear him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Reylin."</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears rushed to the surface again and the knot in my throat grew once more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He did.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I just thought it would be cool. To give you a nickname. And it was only me who called you Rey for a while and then all of a sudden it caught on and it was like everyone called you that. And it felt like you didn't even remember that it was me who called you Rey in the first place, instead of Reylin." He huffed out a small laugh which caused me to finally look back up at him but he was staring despondently at the ground. "I guess I started calling you that name so much in hopes that you would remember it was mine. My nickname for you." He smiled tightly at the ground and all the warm fuzzy feelings for him came flooding back, replacing the hurt and anger I'd felt for him just before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Of course I remembered.” My voice was raspy, “That was my favorite thing in the whole world at 15. Knowing that everyone called me by the name you gave me. That they knew you gave me a nickname" I inhaled a shaky breath, "I loved that. Made me feel like someone in the world cared for me." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I did." His eyes shot up to mine. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And then I knew</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I knew he felt the same. Maybe not now, but at least then. And that should have been enough. But I knew it wouldn’t be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The air was tense and charged. But I knew I couldn't stand there anymore because Ben Solo, the only guy I had ever loved was gonna walk into that room any minute now and propose to my sister and I was not going to stop it. But I couldn't be here when it happened because I finally got a tiny little bit of validation, something I had been waiting on for years, and no matter how much I loved Paige, I couldn't stand there and watch my heartbreak a second time. I’d taken enough for the night and his words cut deep but the sight of him on one knee asking a different girl to be his forever was more than I could handle.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a step back. "Goodnight Ben. Good luck tonight." I whispered one last time before I turned and fled the building. And this time he didn't stop me. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Your sweet comments inspired me to continue this story on, at least for a couple more chapters, and then will go from there based on your feedback. </p><p>But this is NOT gonna be a smooth ride. So be prepared for that. I have a lot in me for this specific piece but we will see where we go for it.</p><p>Rating will probably change at some point. </p><p>And again, please let me know what you think! It keeps me going and writing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    <em>2 years ago</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I was over him. So over him. I had been with Carter for almost a year already. I had to be over Ben. But the minute his name lit up on my phone it felt like I was 16 again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Carter was wonderful. Blonde, not too tall but taller than me. Completely ripped, and nearly every girl’s wet dream. Including mine. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The sex was great. After months together he really knew my body in a way my old boyfriends never did. And he was attentive and there every single time I called. And he loved me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But every time I looked at him it wasn’t right. Like something was missing. We got along great and he was probably the closest I had ever gotten to a best friend. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But I didn’t love him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I reached for the phone quickly, “Hello?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Rey? You alright? You sound out of breath.” His voice washed over me, flooding me with every feeling I had ever had for him like nothing had changed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I let out a breathy laugh, “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. You just caught me off guard.” I swallowed audibly. “It’s been a while.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He chuckled softly, “Yeah it has. Couple months at least. I heard you got some hot boyfriend with an 8 pack or something. At least that’s what Paige and Rose said after they visited last month.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My stomach dropped, “Oh.” It felt weird; him saying that. Carter had left my mind the moment Ben called and to have to be reminded of him by Ben left me with an eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Yeah, his name is Carter. You should just be glad Paige came back when she did or who knows what may have happened. They were both pretty enamored with him. But I didn’t know they somehow found out about his abs.” I teased. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I turned to look around the busy building to make sure that Carter was nowhere in sight. The buildings at Western Washington University were crowded with students constantly and the last thing I needed was for Carter to come up around the corner when I was on the phone with Ben. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah, I should probably keep an eye on her. I think that maybe Paige and Rose have a crush on Cameron so you should watch out.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“––Carter.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah, him.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I rolled my eyes. “I think me and Carter are just fine, but I’ll keep an eye out for them two girls.” My smile was starting to hurt my face. I pushed my lips together with my hands to release the tension. “Anyways– what’s up? Why’d you call?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh. Right.” I heard him shifting around in the background. “I actually called because I’m in town and I wanted to see if we could get together and catch up.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The warmth in my chest blossomed. “Really? What did you have in mind?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m free for lunch today. ‘That sound alright?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>_</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I jolted awake. The dream, like the memory, felt all too confusing, like it was still the day it happened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I maneuvered my legs around to the edge of the bed to stand. The ground stung cold against my bare feet and the cold air of the room sent chills up my arm as I wrapped them around my torso.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was the middle of the night and still raining. After I left the party I caught a cab, turned my phone off, and watched the drizzle slide against the windows all the way home. The closer I got to home, the more the events of the night set in. I still had no idea what happened after I left and I thought I wouldn’t care but as the hours drained on– and after that dream, I was itching to know. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To know what Ben was thinking. It felt like we left things unclosed and my wounds were still fresh and the naive part of me thought that maybe after our talk, some of his would be too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My feet padded across the room to the window. The windows in my apartment were the whole reason I chose this place when I first found it. My paycheck was more than I deserved, for sure, but for a poor orphan girl, it was a dream come true. To receive a lead editorial job pretty early after college was every aspiring writer’s dream. And I spent nearly every penny I could on my home. I think it was something popular in orphans with no home; they always seem to prioritize their home once they get on their own. And I was no different. Views like the one I had out of my window on the 20th floor of my high rise apartment building, was worth every penny. So was the large expanse of the kitchen and the wrap-around windows of the whole living room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood there in my bedroom looking out for a while, taking in the view. Trying to get the ache in my chest to diminish. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My chest jolted when I heard the phone ring from the other room. I quickly looked over at the clock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>5:26</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rushed out of my room and to the kitchen to answer the house phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey? Where did you go last night?” My mother’s voice questioned accusingly through the line. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed, “Cathrine. You scared me. It’s 5:30. I thought there was an emergency or something.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, honey, I knew you’d be awake. You usually are. And you disappeared so suddenly last night. I wasn’t sure if you were gonna make it to brunch this morning or if that weird stomach thing you’ve been dealing with is flaring up again.” She sounded like such a mom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mom, I'm fine. It’s not a stomach thing. It’s just some nausea.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gasped suddenly, “Oh my word! Are you pregnant? The first few times you said something I thought it was maybe food poisoning or something but now it makes sense! You’ve been puking like a seasick sailor and more emotional than I’ve ever seen you since you moved in at 12. I mean, since when do you cry when making a speech? I just can’t believe I didn’t see this sooner. And that you didn’t tell me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh dear god. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Mom, no! I'm not pregnant. And hey! My sister was about to get proposed to. Of course, I was emotional.” Well, it wasn’t a lie. “And it’s just some nausea. Probably a gluten allergy or something. But no, I am not pregnant!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I flopped back exasperatedly onto my couch just in time to see the sunrise break across the horizon. “I still can’t believe he forgot to propose last night!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sat up with a jolt, “He did what?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mother continued on as if she’d heard nothing, “I mean, I know things were crazy last night but I just really thought that was when he was going to do it. But maybe he has something else in mind.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait- Catherine. You're saying he didn’t propose last night?” My words were rushed as my pulse thumped hurriedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” I screeched. “Why not?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just told you. He told Tom that he forgot with all the craziness but that just doesn’t seem like Ben.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“No, it does not.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sighed dramatically into the phone. “I think he probably got nervous she would say no with all those people around. But he would never say that.” She paused, “Maybe you should ask him. You two are pretty close, he would probably talk to you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart raced, “What are you talking about? We’re not close.” I could tell my voice rose an octave or two but I was panicking. Cathrine was the closest thing I had to a mother, had everything gone to plan, she would have adopted me on my 16 birthday. And I had been with her for a long time, longer than Paige or Rose had. But I had no delusions as to where Cathrine’s loyalties lie. Or at least, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>believe that she felt closer to Paige and Rose because I went away to college and they didn’t. And I was terrified that if she even kind of thought that I had any feelings for Ben or any hand in Ben not proposing to Paige, she would take Paige’s side and I’d be cut out from their lives. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well you two were friends before they moved here to Seattle, and he visited you once or twice while he was in town when you were in Bellingham. He’s certainly closer with you than with me.” She laughed, “I'm just the half mother of his girlfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart sunk just slightly at her words, “That’s not true. You know Paige and Rose see you as more than that.” Even in the short time they were with her and Tom before they went off to college, they really grew to love them. “They love you and you’re the closest thing to a mom they have now. You know that.” I heard her sniffle through the line and I instantly felt terrible for my own thoughts towards Cathrine and my distance from her. “And I love you. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> my mom. I never had one, but you’re still that for me. And I’m so thankful that I get to grow up with that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm so sorry, I could never make that official for you. We wanted to so bad.” Her voice wavered as she spoke. “Being a foster mom is hard because you never know how much love to give. And how much love they will accept. I never wanted to replace either of your families but it’s so hard because I do love you all so much. And especially you, Rey. You were my first after Sam and Archie died and I didn’t know I would ever love again until you came along.” For the 100th time in the past 24 hours I felt tears fill my eyes but this time I felt my heart swell instead of break.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I heard her inhale deeply. “Anyways, we need to stop getting all emotional. You need to hurry up and get dressed. It’s nearly 6:30.” I glanced over at the clock again. “And you need to get here to help me get it ready. Because everyone will be here at the house at 9.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled lightly. I hoped Cathrine never changed. She was wealthy enough to be able to hire a full time cooking staff but still, every Saturday, she woke up and cooked us “brunch” that was served at 9 am. And no matter how many times Rose or I tried to explain that brunch was something that happened between breakfast and lunch and not just a regular breakfast, she still insisted on calling it brunch. And because I was the resident baker and early riser of the family, I went over an hour and a half earlier to help her and bake whatever breakfast pastries she or Tom desired. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Mom. I’ll see you there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>_</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time I made my way over to the Stansil house, Cathrine was in full-on mom mode. All the possible breakfast foods were out on the counter and she had set all the ingredients I needed for baking out too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I'm here,” I spoke loudly over the Frank Sinatra that blared over the built-in speakers. She looked up from her whisking with a bright smile. “What do you want me to do?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Honey. I was thinking maybe some scones. And some croissants. Everyone loves it when you make those. And I'm sure everyone is just tired and hungry from partying all night.” She looked back at her bowl. “Speaking of, are you feeling any better?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I walked around the large island, to the sink to wash my hands. “Yeah, I’m feeling much better.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good! Then you can figure out why Ben didn’t propose last night.” I froze. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I can what? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I started moving again after a second but glared at her out of the corner of my eye. And even though her back was to me, it was like she just knew it and spun around to persuade me with a smile. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t even really know the guy that well.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>That was probably true. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He visited with you when he was in Bellingham, we went over this. You probably know him best.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I groaned as I started mixing together the ingredients for my croissants. “No, you went over it. But I know he only visited me because Paige made him. She thought I was lonely being so far away from everyone so she sent him to check up on me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not true.” I spun stalled at her words. “Paige didn’t even know he was going to contact you until he told her you did. But she knew you guys were great friends so she thought maybe he would.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>What? </span>
  </em>
  <span>I was beyond confused. Because I just knew that he had asked to meet up because Paige made him. “And she definitely didn’t tell him to visit after your break up with Carter. We were trying to figure out who should go and Ben volunteered. He said he hated the guy and he thought you didn’t need either of the girls who had crushes on him. You needed someone who hated him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My jaw dropped. “I thought Ben was in town for work?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine nodded and turned back around to the stove. “The first time he visited,  yes. The second time was because someone needed to check on you after your break up with Carter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Somehow that made me feel better and worse. I focused my efforts on kneading my dough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After I had placed the scones and croissants in the oven to bake, everyone started to fill in. The table on the back patio was already covered in food and decorated to the nines. I walked cautiously to the patio doors, watching as the group mingled with mimosas in their hands, but I was hidden for barely a minute when Ben’s eyes shot up like bullets and pierced me. His eyes were cold but he held contact with me until finally, it felt like I couldn’t anymore. I dropped my eyes and backed away from the glass doors then turned towards the kitchen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kitchen was quiet since Cathrine had gone out to talk with Paige and Rose a while before, and the blaring Frank Sinatra had moved outside. So it was almost eerily quiet. The oven was the only noise as it made a low hum in the background. I leaned down to peek inside through the glass to see how the croissants were doing and how much longer they would be. I could hear footsteps leading through the house as I pulled the scones from the oven. After I sat them down, I glanced up through my lashes to see Ben walking up through the entryway of the kitchen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried not to echo Cathrine’s words through my brain about him volunteering to visit me in Bellingham after my break up with Carter. And I tried not to let the fact that when I looked out of the glass patio doors earlier, there was no ring on Paige’s left hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning.” I greeted with a smile, trying to act as normal as possible. Even though my mind was racing a mile a minute. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He continued to stare at me while he approached the island. “You were here early.” His brow shot up in question.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I was awake early so Cathrine called to talk about…stuff. And then she asked me to come over earlier than usual to bake.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded. And fell silent beside me. I didn’t exactly know where to go from there with it so I studied the scones that were on the counter ahead of me and attempted to work up my courage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a deep breath, “You didn’t propose to Paige last night.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was too scared to look up at him. “That's not a question.” His voice almost sounded like we were talking about the weather like he didn’t even care. But out of the corner of my eyes, I saw the muscles tighten in his arm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not an answer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I finally glanced up to see him walking around to the other side of the island. “Rey, are you fishing?” He looked bored and smug at the same time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s such an ass.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “No. I’m trying to do what Cathrine asked and figure out why you didn’t propose last night.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Even if I really don’t want to know.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Cathrine asked you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would she tell you to ask if she knew how you felt about me?” His words were malicious and my skin wanted to crawl off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I narrowed my eyes. “That’s unfair. This isn’t about me. It’s about you and Paige.” \</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He leaned forward and caught my gaze. “But it is about you.” He let the words settle in the air and then continued. “For either of us to say anything different is bullshit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t hold on to eye contact any longer, and I dropped my gaze down to the countertop. I swallowed in an attempt to help the cotton mouth I had suddenly formed. Did that mean he felt the same way now? The thought of being the reason he didn’t propose to Paige both broke my heart and mended it. I didn’t want to be the reason they broke up, but I also did. And that made me a shit person and sister because for the life of me I couldn’t decide what I wanted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> I knew I wanted Ben. But I didn’t know if I wanted him more than a family. And I would do anything to protect Paige.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even ignore my feelings for 4 years. Or for a lifetime.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should propose today. At brunch. She’d be so surprised.” My voice was quiet. Even though my brain was screaming to lie and play happy for him and Paige and watch them get engaged on our family patio, my body revolted. The nausea that happened every time I was around him the past few months came back in full force and the lump in my throat seemed to swell.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rey..” he warned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m serious. I was drunk last night when- when I said all that and I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I could even finish my sentence he was around the island and spinning me to face him. “Bullshit.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“-And I’m sorry for that but you should ask her!” I tried to give him a bright smile but I knew it didn’t nearly reach my eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fucking bullshit and you know it. I know how much you drank last night and it wasn’t enough to get drunk. Trust me I know what you’re like when you’re drunk.” He gave me a pointed look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My cheeks heated once I realized what he was referring to. “Ben, I’m not messing around. This is really what I think is best.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stared at me, his eyes flicking across my face quickly. “You’re a shit liar, Rey.” he stepped closer. “Why didn’t you say something?” He was so close that his breath fanned across my face, causing goosebumps to pop up all along my arms. “When I was in Bellingham after Carter?” His face was scrunched in agony and it was the first time since he walked into the kitchen that his face conveyed any of his inner thoughts and I desperately wanted to get away from it. It was then that I realized his grip had moved up to the top of my arms and tightening with every word he said. But I didn’t feel any pain, his words were causing enough pain to my heart and insides that I couldn’t be bothered with a little pinch on my arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was there and you could have said something. Anything. And you wait until now?” He questioned accusingly. I was at a loss for words. I tried to open up my mouth to say something but nothing came out because I didn’t know what to say. “And I can’t believe you just sat there… across for me that night and said yes?’ His voice gained all the emotion and frustration he had last night but now with a  little sadness and agony. “And let me ask her.” His voice cracked, and my composure along with it. That night when he came to ask for permission to marry her was incredibly difficult and gut-wrenching and... I had no answer for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did you just sit there… loving me... And say yes to that?” He sounded choked and every terrible thought I had of him fled my mind and I just wanted to hold him. I loved him of course I did but I also liked him. I was deluding myself into thinking that he wasn’t what I wanted. That he wasn’t kind and caring but also confident and strong and so so arrogant in a way that anyone would find attractive.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took in his face one last time as I tried to compose myself. I’d never seen him show any kind of real emotion before. But I knew it was time to get out of that room. “I did that because I loved you. And I needed to let you go.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>2 updates in 1 week.... who is she??</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I think last night went well, don’t you Paige?” Cathrine probed as she served herself eggs and then passed the platter to me. I looked up at Paige and Ben to see their reactions to mom’s question. While Paige looked a mix between tired and blissfully happy, Ben looked alert and annoyed. Which could certainly be his resting face. Because 9/10 times that’s what his face looked like.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Except that one night.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it was great.” Paige turned to beam at Ben. “It was magical, actually. And Rey and Rose’s speeches were like… amazing. I wasn’t expecting anything that good. I kind of thought they would be more like ‘My sister is great! Love her. Thanks for coming.’ and then awkwardly wave and walk off stage.” She laughed and I saw Ben roll his eyes beside her. “And Rey,” She took my empty hand that wasn’t attempting to pass the egg tray to Rose, “Those were the sweetest and kindest words you’ve ever said to me. I was actually crying. It was so emotional and special to me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My skin started to crawl and I struggled to restrain my grimace. Ben’s eyes stared blankly yet pointedly, making me even more uncomfortable. He was mocking me and calling me a liar with just that one small look. And I completely deserved it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After I said those words in the kitchen about the night he asked to marry Paige, it was like a switch went off and he turned on me, went cold and his face locked back on the ‘I don’t care about you’ look and he was out of the kitchen before I could even say anything else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Paige,” I said awkwardly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Rey was out of character-ly emotional. I was kind of proud of her. Seems like she’s overcoming some of her emotional damage issues after all.” Cathrine added with a nod. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gasped. “Mom!” I sent her a scathing look but she just smiled innocently at me and continued. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It really was magical, wasn’t it? Only thing that could have made it better would be a nice diamond ring but…” She trailed off suggestively. My gaze immediately split to Ben, who had a very obviously fake and uncomfortable smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Cathrine, you know Ben and I are going at our own pace,” Paige added. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben turned his attention away from the conversation as the plater was passed to him. And that pain in my chest intensified. I knew they were it for each other and I knew I needed to fight through whatever pain I was feeling but it felt like I was drowning. His words from earlier were finally hitting me and I didn’t know how to handle it. He obviously cared for me. And he wanted me to say something. Maybe he wanted me to say something </span>
  <em>
    <span>that night</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The night after Carter… when Ben came to Bellingham and he searched out the nearest house party and forced me to let loose and drink my sorrows away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My body heated remembering how we danced that night. How lost we got in the music and the party and the distance from everybody in our lives. The way we molded together, even in the drunken haze. The way his body felt against mine. At the time it just felt like his way of getting my mind off things but now every touch burned into my memory and every bated breath seemed more suggestive than what I thought at the time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced up at him while still keeping my head down, and caught his eye; almost like he knew what I was thinking of and was trying to let me know. And like some sick joke his arm lifted and wrapped around the back of Paige’s chair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart dropped. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He made his choice. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It was time for me to make mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh come on Paige. You have to know it’s coming soon. I’m kinda surprised it didn’t happen last night.” I said with a smile. I knew I was setting fire to this brunch and that it would quickly burn down but I didn’t care. In my peripheral, next to Paige, I saw Ben freeze and tense up. He knew what I was doing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Reylin..” his voice was a warning but I trudged on, doing my best to ignore him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Actually I’m not going to lie, I did kind of think it was going to happen last night too.” Paige smiled sheepishly at Ben with a slight blush tinting her cheeks. Ben wasn’t even looking at her. His glare was set on me and my smile grew as my heart broke further. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine laughed nervously, “Rey, if that was Ben’s plan you wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise.” She kicked me underneath the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was like you could feel everyone at the table grow a little more tense. “Yeah, you’re right. I wouldn’t. I’m just kinda surprised he didn’t propose last night.” This time it was Rose who kicked me after my words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s eyes were burning me now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Paige’s nervous laugh conveyed all her confusion at the situation unfolding before her. “Honestly it’s fine. Last night was perfect regardless. And I know whatever our moment is, I think it’ll be perfect then too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh I know it will be. But I just can’t wait for you two to get engaged. I was really hoping it would be last night. With the big party and everything? Seemed kinda suspicious if you ask me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s enough, Rey,” Tom spoke up from his end of the table, silencing me and guilt began to creep in. I finally looked away from Paige to see Tom’s disappointed face, Rose and Cathrine’s shock, and Ben’s burning anger. Paige still looked confused and apprehensive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” Her voice was nervous. Ben finally looked away from me and his eyes softened to look over at her with a resigned look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was going to propose last night.” His voice was soft. “That was my plan.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her face grew even more alarmed as she glanced around the table in even more confusion than she was earlier. “What? What– why didn’t you then?” She sputtered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shame swallowed me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>ruined this for her. Before I could hear whatever lie he was about to tell her I stood up from the table and walked away. My plan was to push him into it. But it backfired for more than one reason. Because I hurt my sister, one of the only people in my life who loved me but also because I did what I set out to do. He was going to have to ask her now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And now it really was over. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I picked up my pace as I enetered the house and ran up the stairs to my old room. The room was just the same like it had never been touched since I moved out 4 years ago. I sat at the edge of my bed and waited. Any minute the panic would go away. Any minute the feeling of loss would be gone and I would feel like me again. So I stared at the grey walls.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> “He proposed to her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up to see my mom or the only woman who had ever come close enough, standing there with a sad look on her face. “I thought you were over him.” Her voice was soft.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s good. I’m glad he did.” I nodded resolutely. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Baby…” She took a few steps toward me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, really. I am.” Tears started falling but my hands felt like bricks and I just couldn’t lift them. “They love each other. And they should be together.” She sat next to me and grabbed my hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Honey, Why didn’t you tell me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned towards her and bit my lip, “And say what mom? That I love him but she’s with him? You would have told me what I already knew. That I need to get over him– That I need to move on.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stayed silent for a moment, just staring at me. “I thought you got over him. I knew you cared for him before but when Paige and him got together it just seemed like you couldn’t care less. So I just–” She paused, “I thought you moved on. I’m so sorry, Honey. I had no idea.” She reached up and wiped at my tears with her thumb. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did this to myself. And now he will never forgive me, much less care for me. And I am happy for him and Paige.” Another slow tear slipped down my face. “But I knew I needed it to happen. And I feel horrible but it’s done now. So maybe I can finally move on.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did…” She trailed off and scrunched her face in thought. “Did something happen last night? Is that why he didn’t propose?” I looked away. And I guess that was all the answer she needed because she just nodded. “So you decided to push him into it.” At that, a quiet sob wracked my body. “Oh Rey. You love people so hard.” Her hands gripped my forearms and pulled me into her. “You sacrifice yourself too much.” She ran her fingers in a soothing motion down my hair while I held tightly to her. “You shouldn’t have been there last night. You didn’t have to. But you sacrificed yourself to be there for her. That is so brave of you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I continued to cry silently into her shoulder while she pet my head comfortingly. We were quiet for a while until I sobered up and pulled back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What you did was brave.” She said again. “But one of these days you have to stop sacrificing yourself for other people and be your own person. I’m not saying to go and be with Ben. But I am saying that you can’t give every single part of you away.” Her hand squeezed mine. “You have to fight for what you love.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“One of these days, Reylin, you’re gonna have to fight for what you love.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s last words to me in the kitchen echoed through my head. I struggled to understand their meaning at the time but sitting there with my mom saying the same thing caused me to realize what he really meant and made me feel even more empty. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He thinks I didn’t fight for him,” I whispered out hoarsely. “He doesn’t understand how I sat there the night he asked us if he could propose to Paige and say yes.” My mom sat quietly staring at me until I looked up at her. “Is he right? Should I have said something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled sadly, “That’s up to you, Rey. I can’t tell you what you should have done because I wasn’t in your shoes. But I think it’s too late now.” Her eyebrows scrunched together. “They’re engaged now. We’ve got to let them be. But I think you should go. Not just leave the house. I think you should leave town for a while. The state even. Go. Find yourself away from this. Give yourself time to heal. You can even go to the house in San Diego. But you need to take some time off work and get away for a while. You don’t need to be here for all this. No matter how strong or brave you are… you don’t need to put yourself through that. If you’ve loved him for this whole time then that’s not just something you can ignore.” She smiled for real this time, “Like you’ve been trying to do.” We both chuckled lightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think she knows?” I asked after a moment of thought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. She doesn’t. Neither does anyone else. I just know you because I’m your mother. And you are my daughter Rey. With or without paperwork proving that you’re mine. I hope you know that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt myself wanting to cry again, but this time for a different reason. “I do.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good. Now let’s get you out of here and to San Diego. I’ll go buy your ticket. You go call your boss and say you’re going to work from the San Diego office for the next 3 months and pack your stuff.” She pushed me up from the bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She ushered me out of the room and through the house before I could even argue. Afterwards I went home and did as she said. I called my boss who was actually thrilled that I would be helping out in San Diego for the next few months because they apparently desperately needed help. And then I packed everything I would need for a 3-month vacation. The truth was, my mom was right. I didn’t need to be there. Nor did I really want to be there. Ben made his choice and I forced him into it. I didn’t fight for what I loved. And maybe that was bad of me but I thought what I was doing was for the best. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And maybe there was a tiny part of me that thought I didn’t deserve him. Deserve the happiness that Paige got. Maybe I thought love was this elusive thing that only the best of the best truly got. And that I was not part of that club. I always thought that in the future I would marry some guy like Carter who I enjoyed being around and who made me laugh but would never make me feel the way I feel about Ben. And I would spend forever watching him and Paige live happily together. And now I officially sealed my fate when I pushed him into her arms at brunch. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I had almost everything essential packed into my suitcase or boxes that I would ship, when I heard steps through the entryway of my apartment. I weaved my way through until I reached my living room and saw Ben standing there staring at the boxes I had packed ready to go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did you get in?” I asked, looking around him to see who he was with that let him in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ignored me. “Are you going somewhere?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t answer my question.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He held up his hand and a key connected to the key chain I had given Cathrine for emergencies. “Key. Now answer mine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sucked in a breath. “I’m leaving. Where did you get the key?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took a step towards the boxes and then looked up at me. “Leaving where?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked away and crossed my arms.  “Why are you here, Ben?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck? Where are you going, Rey?” His voice grew louder and I winced at the panic in his tone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Out of instinct I backed up a few steps. “Why are you here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I came to yell at you for that stunt you pulled at brunch but now I’m here to yell at you for this. Where the hell are you going?” He started walking towards me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh yeah. Brunch. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s engaged now.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You shouldn’t be here. You’re engaged.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could feel his glare burn my skin, even with my gaze trained outside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are there boxes packed, Rey?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m leaving for a while.” My voice was soft. “Cathrine thinks it’s best I take some time away and I agree with her. I’m gonna stay somewhere else for a couple of months.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cathrine? What does Cathrine know?” I thought he’d be angry that Cathrine knew something at all but he sounded more confused than anything and I desperately wanted to look at him, to see what he was thinking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She knows that I have feelings for you. And she knows you’re engaged. That’s all she needs to know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was silent but I knew he was searching for something. A sign from my body language or something, I didn’t know. “You don’t have to go.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My gaze sliced back to him. “It’s time, Ben. It’s time for me to move on. You’re engaged and while I’m very happy for you… I can’t be here right now. You told me to fight for what I love. Well I want to love myself so I have to fight for myself. I’m going to San Diego and I’m going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>find</span>
  </em>
  <span> me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes blazed, “You forced me to fucking ask her, Reylin. So let’s not play this pity game.” He wasn’t yelling anymore but his words were still harsh and menacing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you love her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Because it was true. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He loved her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going. And you have no place to stop me.” I turned to leave but before I could go back to the confines of my room and hide until he left he grabbed my wrist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think I don’t remember? </span>
  <em>
    <span>That night</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He spoke just slightly above a whisper. “I think about what it felt like to be with you. To feel like we were the only people in the world and dance together. It almost felt real for a while. And you’re right, I do love Paige. And I am going to marry her. But that’s because of you. Because time and time again you’ve pushed me away. First in high school and then that night at the frat house. You sabotage things like you sabotaged my proposal to Paige twice. Well now you get what you want. Are you happy? I’m fucking engaged to her. And we’re gonna get married and you’re going to be standing there all sad and lonely because you can’t allow anything decent, or– or good to happen in your life.” He swallowed and took a step back. “And now you want to fucking leave.” He laughed sardonically. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His words hurt, but I couldn’t let myself cry any longer. “I can’t stay..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you don’t have to move to fucking San Diego.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded to reassure myself. Even though I didn’t feel certain, I wanted to at least pretend like I did. “I wish you and Paige the best.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He clenched his jaw. “Stop the act, Reylin. Stop pretending around me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why do you think I’m leaving? Not because I want to. But because I want to leave you and Paige be, I think I’ve caused you enough problems. And I want you to be happy. But I physically cannot sit and watch you guys anymore. I just can’t.” It felt like my throat was clenching. “So it’s time for me to find my own life. Apart from all this and you. And maybe by the time I come back everything will be back to how it used to be.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“With you in love with me and me oblivious?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded. “And friends.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We were never friends, Reylin.” His voice was dull but malicious. “And that’s a shit plan.” Before I could respond he threw the key on the couch beside me and turned and left me in my apartment alone. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Soooo where do you guys think this is gonna go?? Let me hear your theories</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I picked up my pace, navigating around the crowd of people who seemed to walk just that much slower than the average person. I was finally making it home, and the nervous tension in my stomach was overshadowed by the giddy excitement at seeing my parents again after 6 months. Although Cathrine called every day and Tom at least once a week, it just wasn’t the same. I needed to see them. I couldn’t wait to hug them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The airport was crowded but I still saw them waiting through the glass doors. I couldn’t help my wide smile. I had missed them and from the expectant look on their faces, they missed me too. My 3-month trip turned 6 months, had felt too long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I slid through the crowd and finally made my way to them nearly at a running pace. Their smiling faces were covered by my arms in seconds as I lept at them. “Oh honey I missed you so much.” Cathrine crooned into my ear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> “I missed you guys!” I agreed, not wanting to unravel my arms from her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine laughed in my ear, “We can tell! But back up, back up. Let me look at you.” She pushed me away and did a once over then landed back on my face with a smile. “How did you get more beautiful?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My grin widened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> “Oh, Cathrine, you know she tends to get prettier as the days go by,” Tom interjected and then pulled me into another hug as I laughed at both of them. They loved me too much. My time away had helped me realize that more and more. They let me stay in their San Diego house, free of charge, and bought me a ticket and sent me out to lease a car there and anything I would possibly need. Not because I was short on money but because they cared enough to want to make sure I was taken care of. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s get going before people start cussing at us for standing in the middle of the walkway.” Tom ushered us towards the door and took my suitcase. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, Tom.” She gave us both a side look,going back to the prior conversation, “That’s the happy glow.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to roll my eyes but my grin gave everything away. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I was happy</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Very happy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Speaking of, where is that boyfriend of yours?” Cathrine turned to look behind us.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He had to wait for his luggage but he wanted me to go ahead and meet you guys.” I bit my lip to try and contain my smile. “Even though he is excited to see you both again. You know how he always liked you so much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mom’s eyes lit up with glee. “And you know we love him. I’m so glad you guys worked it out.” She pulled me closer again while we walked towards the car. “And that he got to visit with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When we walked up alongside the car Tom popped the trunk and began to load my luggage in there. “Oh, there he is!” Cathrine’s voice drew my attention away from the car to the tall man approaching us with a grin the size of Texas. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cathrine, I’ve missed you. I swear as soon as I saw Rey for the first time, I asked about you first.” Carter ran and grabbed my mother in a big hug. “It’s been too damn long. I’ve been trying to get Rey to visit for the last 3 months!” He looked over at me with a teasing look. “She’s difficult.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine blushed and smile, and I couldn’t really contain my own grin, but I tightened my lips to try and fight it. “Carter, honey, I’m just glad you’re here. You know Rey is a workaholic. It’s a struggle to pull her away from that job she loves so much. It’s really a wonder you two are even here.” She looked over at me. “You should really work on that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes at them both. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I could respond, Tom walked up and embraced Carter as well. “Carter. Good to see you bud.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You too, Tom. Happy to be here.” After Carter pulled back from their hug, he pulled his suitcases up to the trunk and loaded them, then pulled up next to me to grab my hand. At his touch, I glanced up at him. His blonde hair was mussed up in a way that signifies he had been on a plane for a few hours. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You kids ready to go? Cathrine’s got dinner cooking at the house. Besty’s making your favorite.” Tom mentioned to me as he walked around to the driver’s side to get in the car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gasped, “Betsy’s cooking spaghetti cheese casserole?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yep, Carter you remember that dish, right? I know you only visited the house that one time but I’m pretty sure Betsy made it then. Did she not?” Cathrine turned from the passenger’s seat to ask as the car pulled out of the parking spot. I could tell by her expression that she was happy to see me and Carter too. I knew my mother really liked him, even after our breakup and I also knew she really wanted me to be happy. And I was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah.” He turned and sent me a wink, “Rey tried to make it a few times back in Bellingham, too. Never worked out great, but she tried at least.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He speaks the truth.” I agreed. He squeezed my hand in reassurance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, Rey. Tell me everything. I want to hear about everything I didn’t hear during our daily video chats.” My mom's voice cooed from the front of the car. And that was how the entire car ride went. My mom gushing about me being home; me with a huge grin on my face, and Carter charming the pants off of everyone in the car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time we pulled up to their house I was barely even talking. Carter had my mother charmed and they were going back and forth about the last time my mom visited me in Ballingham before Carter and I broke up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up at the house to see a bunch of cars. “Mom? Why are there so many cars?” I felt my breath pick up in panic. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This was not good.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She frowned slightly but then tried to change it into a smile, “Your sisters wanted to throw you a little coming home party.” Her eyes reflected the same concern that I felt, “I tried to tell them you wouldn’t really want that and you’d be tired but they insisted.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter turned towards me and then looked back at my mother, “I thought Rey loved parties.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I ignored him and put in a smile, “I do. Yeah— yeah. I am tired but it’s fine. I’m just ready to have Betsy’s spaghetti casserole. I’ll be fine.”  I opened the door and got out of the car, trying to not think too much about the trap I was about to walk into. Carter walked up beside me and grabbed my hand and I looked over at him. His smile conveyed all the reassurance and kindness I needed in that moment to help my anxiety melt off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I might have been terrified to walk in there and face Ben for the first time since I left 6 months ago, but I had Carter, my best friend. And whatever happened in the past, Carter was here with me now and that’s what mattered. I was still worried about how things would be with Ben, because we never really resolved things and I didn’t know where we stood. That scared me more than anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, is something wrong?” Carter asked under his breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head, “No. No— I’m fine. Just got nervous to see everyone after so long.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face pinched in confusion and he pulled me to a stop alongside him, “Really? Because you have a weird panicky look on your face I’ve never seen before.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My face relaxed into a soft smile at his words, “Yeah, Car, I am fine. Just felt weird to be away from everyone for so long. And then come back when they’ve all been together.” I pulled at his hands in the direction of the door. “But it’s okay. Let’s go inside. I’m good.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled at me and then leaned in and placed a brief peck on my lips. “Okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We walked through the doors of the house hand in hand and I was assaulted with the smell of food and the loud sounds of people talking. There weren't that many people there, mostly family and a few close friends, but the sound was still much louder than the quiet of outside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey! Oh my God. I’ve missed you so much.” Rose ran at me and engulfed me in a hug. “Never leave for that long again. I missed you like crazy. It’s not the same here without you.” She pulled back and then her eyes lit up at the sight of Carter, “Holy shit! Carter?” She looked back at me, “When mom said you had a boyfriend in San Diego I had no idea it was Carter! What the fuck, Rey. What didn’t you tell me? You know I love Carter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter and I laughed at her excitement, “I know you do. Which is why I brought him with me. I wanted to surprise everyone. Didn’t want to give you a heart attack over the phone though.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, what a fucking surprise.” Her voice was full of awe, “Hello handsome, it’s good to see you. Glad my sister came to her senses and got back with you.” I began to glance nervously around the room as she spoke to him. While I was sure of my choice, and I was sure of my life… I was not sure of what seeing Ben Solo again for the first time since those series of conversations that led to me moving to San Diego for a while and him engaged to Paige, would do to me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go to the dining room. I’m pretty sure that’s where Paige is. She’s gonna freak when she sees you.” It only took me a moment to realize Rose’s words were not directed towards me and she was pulling Carter down the hall quicker than the 6’4 man could follow. I followed behind at my own pace, dreading what was in the room before me. Hoping it wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey?” I froze in my tracks. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I was taken back to that night 6 months ago when he last caught me off guard like this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned back towards him on my heels, slowly. His face was the same. He looked exactly as I remembered him. All but his hair, which seemingly had been cut shorter in a nice way that allowed him the ruffled bed head look and still just curled around his ears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” I offered softly. He blinked at me, almost like while he seemingly hadn’t changed a bit– I had changed a ton. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a moment, he smiled back and it nearly knocked the wind out of me. He was too damn handsome for his own good. “Welcome back.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks. It’s nice to be home, finally.” I bobbed my head in a nod. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you were only going for 3 months.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Yeah… and then things kinda changed with my job down there and– well they asked me to stay longer so I did.” I gave me a tight smile, trying to mask how much I was trying to skirt around the truth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you’re back now.” He offered, I could tell he felt a little uncomfortable standing there talking to me as if the last time we spoke wasn’t me confessing my love but saying I needed to move on. And him calling me on all the things I did wrong. “I think the girls missed you a lot. Well– I know Paige did. Said she didn’t have anyone to help Cathrine bake on Saturdays so she had to do it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The small talk was already growing a little awkward but I tried to entertain the futile idea of friendship for just a little while longer. “Yeah… how’ve you been? Things going well?” I shifted feet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Good, good. Work is good. So is everything else. I—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey babe, you disappeared.” I cringed when I heard Carter’s voice call from behind me. And winced when I saw Ben’s gaze slide up and then back to me like an hour as Carter pulled up next to me with what I’m sure was his signature lazy smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben! Long time no see, man.” Carter stuck his hand out to shake but Ben did not take his eyes off of me. He finally offered his hand out to Carter in return but I shrunk with his piercing gaze. “I’m assuming Rey kept it a secret from you too. You should have heard Paige. She was freaking out in there when she saw me.” He hooted in laughter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My gaze fell to the floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carter, great to see you buddy. What are you doing here?” I could tell Ben was trying to sound as casual and happy to see him as possible but I could also tell he was decidedly </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, Rey wanted everyone to be surprised when it was me, other than Cathrine and Tom of course but everyone else. She thought it would be cool to bring me home to announce to the sisters and fam that we’re back together.” Carter sounded so excited at the idea of our rekindling that it almost made me feel horrible for how sick to my stomach was feeling about Ben’s furry that seemed to be undetectable to anyone but me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow. That’s great, man. Congratulations.” I glanced up through my eyelashes and met his gaze one last time before he finally looked away and to Carter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And to you! I heard you’re engaged now. That’s awesome!” And with one sentence he had officially shattered the thin ice that Ben and I were skating on before. Now we couldn’t pretend anymore that we didn’t remember what happened and why I left in the first place. We were being forced to face the music. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Why I was back with Carter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When’s the wedding? I want to make sure I’m off for it. Can’t have one of the bridesmaids not have a date.” Carter nudged me with his hip and suddenly Ben’s gaze was back on me. This time, I held it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could hear him say something but I couldn’t really process what he said. Before Carter could even respond to… whatever was said, I excused myself and beelined for the kitchen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, we need to talk.” I heard Ben gaining behind me quickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to quicken my pace but it seemed like so did he, “I don’t think so.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He barked out a laugh, “I do.” He grabbed my arm and dragged me into a nearby quiet hallway. When I came face to face with him I was met with a glare. “So you leave for 6 months and don’t even have anything to say to me the whole time?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laughed, “You didn’t seem to care earlier.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>And</span>
  </em>
  <span> you want to come back, dating him again? That’s rich, Rey. Real fucking rich.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, what does that even mean?” I cross my arms defensively. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That means I thought you were fucking moving forward. Not 10 steps behind. What happened to moving on?” His voice stayed quiet but grew darker with every word. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head in disbelief. “This has nothing to do with not moving forward. In fact I am moving forward. With Carter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He paused, his face pensive but his eyes annoyed, “How the fuck did this even happen? You and Carter broke up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, and so did you and Paige a couple of years ago. I don’t see how that matters.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That is not the same.” He dismissed me with his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How is it not?” I was starting to get frustrated. The thing was, whatever Carter and I had was outside of Ben, and I did not like how he decided this was something he needed to confront me about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, kids. Time to eat.” I heard Cathrine yell from the dining room. We both look in that direction but neither of us moved. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, I think you should look at yourself and figure out whether you’re going backwards or forwards with your life.” With that, he turned and walked away. His words were much more disappointed than anything and I felt myself wanting to curl in. He didn’t sugar coat any of what he was saying or lace it with any jealousy. Just plain frustration and disappointment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood there for a moment contemplating what to do next when Carter walked through the hallway towards me. “Where have you been? Spaghetti casserole is ready.” He wrapped his arms around my hips and pulled me towards his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rested my face against him in a way that had my face a little scrunched up. “I don’t even really have a family and family is hard.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The soft rumble of his chuckle from his chest shook me slightly. “They are your family and you know it. And it’s not just you. All families are hard; Even blood ones. But this is your family.” He squeezed me slightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whatever it is, it’s hard.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled back with another chuckle, “Come on, let’s go eat.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled me through until we reached the table where everyone was already seated. The last time we had eaten together, my life changed completely, and that thought grew heavy in my stomach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>While everyone else was talking and chatting happily amongst each other, even Carter joining in, Ben and I sat in a dark silence. My seat was across from Paige’s seat, like it had always been since she moved in, and Ben’s was to the right of her. To my right my mom went quiet as she looked at me. I slid my gaze over to her and she was looking at me thoughtfully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘You okay?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>She mouthed. When I nodded slightly, she reached out her hand to grab mine and squeezed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love my mom</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She turned and regarded the table with a bright smile. “Okay! Let’s dig in!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The food platters made their way around the table and everyone continued their prior conversations. Carter was excitedly telling Paige and Rose about some surfing adventure while Tom and Cathrine listened in expectantly. Ben was visibly irritated and bored at the same time, even as he picked at his food.  I devoured my plate fast then Carter could even get the story out and was picking at bread and pulling it apart piece by piece. The few other family members that were scattered around the table were all holding their own conversations. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had so many questions. I wanted to know what happened after I left. If Ben and Paige had set a date and my mom was just trying to protect me from it. I hadn’t heard what Ben said when Carter asked him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My teeth gnawed thoughtfully on my bottom lip. I finally decide to spare a glance at Ben. He was looking at Carter, completely unimpressed, as Carter was animatedly trying to show how he expertly maneuvered away from the shark that one time in Fiji. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As if he could feel my eyes on him, his gaze shot to meet mine. I tried to convey every question I had been holding in for months and even for the duration of the evening, with my eyes. I had moved on. I had done as he asked but that small part of me that had cared for him so much once wanted to know where we stood. We would never get to be together, I knew that. Every part of me knew that, now. But could we be friends? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Was that imaginary world we pretended to be in an hour ago when we first saw each other actually possible? That thin ice we had been on broke but could we get back to it and be friends like we had been in the past? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t know if he could see the millions of questions floating through my eyes, but I hoped he did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter grabbed onto my thigh from underneath the table and I jolted in surprise. I twisted over at him to see his smiling face looking at me. I tried to smile back at him but I was too caught off guard to really match his brightness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” I asked with my awkward smile doning my face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They were asking about how we reconnected and I thought you could answer. This is supposed to be your party and you’ve barely said a word.” I could tell this was his way of giving me my platform and helping me reconnect with my family. He squeezed my leg again in encouragement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The uncomfortable pit in my stomach grew even deeper, “Oh” I swallowed and laughed nervously, “Well, we ran into each other at a party actually. My friend Kris was throwing a party at his house for all the people we work with because Kris works at my office. And well… Carter is also friends with Kris’ girlfriend Kaydel.” I smiled trying to finish there but Carter picked up where I left off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And we saw each other and just,” he trailed off to look over at me with the sweetest look on his face. “I begged her to take me back. I was super drunk. She said no.” Everyone laughed, “But I wouldn’t give up. I told her I loved her and I was wrong for giving up on us before. After a while she finally relented. And now we’re happy.” His gaze never left mine for long, and I felt my heart swell at his attention and words. He finally looked away across the table. “I love her.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Protect carter at all costs 🥺 </p><p>What do you guys think??? What’s gonna happen from here?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! Here’s a super long chapter to make up for the kinda short one last time.... enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I was washing dishes at my own party. It wasn’t like I was being forced to or anything, and Cathrine usually had people who would come the next day to do it, but I needed to think. And the crowd had moved outside to sit a laugh. And I didn’t mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took my time with each plate, gliding my fingertips over it and around the slopes. It was strangely therapeutic. I had so much on my mind and on my heart that I had been setting aside for 6 months. Things that I just pretended weren’t happening or that I didn’t believe to be true was finally happening. I needed to get stuff off my chest. And the dishes were the only thing I had to talk to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Doing dishes at your own party.” Ben’s soft voice floated across the kitchen to me. I turned my head to see him standing in the doorway with his hands in his pockets. His face lost that tightness it held most of the evening and replaced it with a tired look. He took a few steps forward. “Mind if I help you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned back to the sink slowly, “I’m okay. I don’t really feel like fighting.” I stared at my hands as I continued my finger light ministrations. But I wasn’t really paying attention. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We don’t have to fight.” The proximity of his voice got closer from behind me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I let out a breathy laugh, “But that’s all we seem to do.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stood next to me and rolled up his sleeves. When I pulled a plate out of the water that I was sure I had been cleaning for 15 minutes, he grabbed it gently from me and started drying. “Carter’s out there entertaining everyone.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we please not talk about Carter right now?” I felt exhausted. I didn’t have any fight left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The plate was clearly already dry but he continued to wipe at it like he was barely registering what he was actually doing. “When I said fight for what you love, this isn’t what I meant.” He spoke without any ire but that didn’t soften the blow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why? Because it’s Carter?” I stopped what I was doing and looked at him in disbelief. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He regarded me with a thoughtful look on his face, like he couldn’t exactly decide what to say. Neither of us were in argument territory but we were skirting it and tiptoeing in it like we hadn’t made up our minds yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m already exhausted with you bringing up Carter. We just agreed to not fight.” I turned back to the sink. “Carter and I have nothing to do with you. We exist outside of you and will continue to exist because it has happened already. You’re being unfair, Ben. You can’t dictate what’s love and what’s not.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you told him you loved him?” He continued to stay calm and his voice soft but I was drenched in defensiveness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That is none of your business.” I turned towards him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can’t love him while you feel the way you do for me.” He said in an emphatic way that made me want to set him on fire. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow.” I laughed, “That’s so rich.” I shook my head, “Like you do with Paige?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That seemed to shut him up. He placed the dry plate down on the counter and turned towards me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re such a hypocrite, Ben. You judge me for my relationship with Carter and say that I can’t love him while I have feelings for you. Well those feelings are gone. Long gone. And the longer you stand there lecturing me like you’re not a hypocrite for what happened at the beginning of the year before I left while you were </span>
  <em>
    <span>engaged</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the further away they feel.” I spat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The cool and calmness that he held before fell off of him like a mask, “You haven’t answered my question.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sniffed, “You haven’t answered mine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked away and clenched his jaw, “Just explain to me. Because I don’t get it.” He looked at me again, “Last we spoke about Carter </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>night, he dumped you for not being able to tell him that you love him. And you were better for it. So how did that change? I– I just need to understand how that even happened.” His eyes narrowed at me in suspicion after his rant. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I crossed my arms over my chest and placed my right hand on my chest bone, “He saw me. He told me that he understood that I couldn’t say it and why and he wanted to work with me and–and I just… had always cared for him so much. He’s my best friend. He gets me.  On a level I don’t know if anyone else ever will.” I looked at my feet for a minute. “And he loves me. I may not be able to say that to him yet, or anyone really. But he can say it to me. And he’s not engaged to my sister.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was silent and his face was scrunched together. It almost reminded me of what he used to look like in high school. More excited for life and friendly in a way I don’t know if this Ben could be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t tell you what you want to hear.” He said as he stepped closer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I let out a shaky breath. “I know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you? Because you keep acting like I should be allowed to. Even if you claim to be completely moved on, then why are you with your only other safety net?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He moved closer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think you should say it.” I shook my head and backed up only a slight step. “I seriously don’t care.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He titled his head to the side.. “You keep saying that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so tired of you trying to make me explain myself like you’re my shrink or my friend. You are a hypocrite. You can’t say the words but you know you didn’t fight for me either. And you love Paige, I know you do. Which is fine. But all you have done is tried to guilt me into feeling bad for what I did. But what I did was what I thought was best for my family. I know that you have this great life and family but those people in there are my family. That’s it. So I did what I did to protect them and what I have with them. You love Paige. Well so do I. And you know that.” I heaved in a deep breath after that long rant. “And we both know that if it hadn't been for her, both of us would have made a huge mistake </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> night. And maybe then we blamed how close we got on the alcohol but it wasn’t that. And my love for her and your love for her saved us both. So that was me fighting for what I love. My family.” I threw the towel on the counter and stalked out of the kitchen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>———</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You and Ben seemed tense tonight.” My mom commented next to me. We were both sitting on the porch swing of their house looking out at the night sky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I loved Seattle</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrugged, “He frustrates me.” She lifted her head from my shoulder to look at me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know he went to help you in the kitchen with the dishes.” She looked like she was thinking of her next words. “I think you should be careful, Rey.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nothing’s going on, Mom. I’m back with Carter and him and Paige are engaged. He just thinks I shouldn’t be with Carter or something. I don’t really know what he wants from me.” I looked back up at the stars. They seemed to be extra bright in Seattle, whereas in San Diego it felt like they were drowned out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well should you?” I whirled my head back to her and sent her a confused look. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Carter. And I know you two flow together like water. But how do you feel about him? Are you really over Ben.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I got choked up again for the first time in months. I could lie to Ben but I couldn’t lie to my mother. “I care for Carter. And I have to be over Ben, mom. There’s nothing for me to hang on to anymore. He’s going to marry Paige in a few months and I need to move on.” I let out a sigh. “I don’t have a choice.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt her stare on the side of my face and I could feel her brain churning. “And what does Ben say?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t really say anything. He criticizes me for my choices with Carter but doesn’t say anything about what’s going through his head. And I guess it’s really best that I don’t know.” I didn’t want to cry but for the first time since I left all those months ago I felt that tell-tale burn in my throat. “There is no ending where this works out for us. I won’t hurt Paige like that. And he won’t either, he loves her. We both do. And he doesn’t love me.” I pursed my lips to the right side of my mouth as I tried to keep the one tear that threatened to break loose at bay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then should you be with Carter while you feel that way?” Her voice was tentative and loving with no judgement in her tone at all and I felt more grateful for her than I ever had before. She was the perfect mom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to be with Carter. I can love him. And I will. One day. He’s my best friend. He was all through college and even now. I appreciate him so much. I do love him. As a friend, at least. But also as a companion. He just gets me. Can’t that be enough?” This time I cried for me and Carter. My feelings had changed for him in the past 3 months of us being back together. I had started to see him more as a boyfriend than a best friend. But it felt like it wasn’t coming fast enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not all love is sudden, honey. I’m not saying that you will eventually love him like you do Ben. But I am saying that I see the way you look at him and I think it’s getting pretty damn close.” Cathrine’s dark skin seemed to glow in the moonlight. And her smile even brighter. “But I also see how Ben looks at you. And I think you should be careful.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head, “Ben doesn’t care. And it wouldn’t matter if he did. He’s with Paige.” My voice came out as a whisper. “I just want this to go away.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think he cares very much. And that seems to be the problem with you two. You’re both so concerned about everyone’s feelings but you both like to act so impenetrable.” She waited a beat. “He asked about you everyday.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned to look at her, “What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He would ask to make sure you were okay. He never got too out of line. But he always asked. I know he loves her though. You can see it when they’re together. And I don’t say that to hurt you. But to remind you. He does care for you… but he loves her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wiped my face of the stay droplets that had run down my face and let out a sigh. “I know.” We sat quietly for a few minutes again. “What do you think I should do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you’re moving back to Seattle soon and that you should try and do your best, for the next month you have away, to find out what you really want. Because if you lead Carter on too long he won’t forgive you when it’s over. And I don’t think that’s what you want. So before you and Carter move back next month you need to find out what you want. If you will grow to love him the way he loves you, or if he’s just your best friend.” I smiled at her. My mother was so wise. And an inspiration. Cathrine became the first person in her family to graduate college and had become the first person she knew to become a lawyer. And at the time, a mixed race woman going to law school was still nearly unheard of. But she did it, against all odds. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I stood up from the swing. “I better go find Carter. Otherwise I might not have a boyfriend by the end of the night. Those two girls may try and steal him away.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine took my hand in hers and I looked down at the two connected. “I love you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled up at her. “I love you too.” I squeezed her hand one last time before I walked around the porch and into the house. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could hear everyone making noise from a certain part of the house and I tried to follow the voices. I weaved around the house until I arrived in the theater room where Carter, Paige, and Rose were all sitting on the floor. Ben was leaned up against the doorway next to me, watching the 3 laugh and talk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked up at me like I had caught him off guard a little bit. After a second he relaxed back against the door frame again and I crossed my arm as we stared at the group. “Can we be friends?” He asked, never taking his eyes away from the center of the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed, “I think so.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We both went quiet, acting like we were watching our friends but we were both zoned out. “I can’t say it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s a good guy.” His voice was devoid of emotion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I let out a breath. “I know.” At that he finally looked over at me and I saw his eyes on my face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t bother looking at him. “But you don’t love him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Almost like that was all he needed to hear, he turned away and focused back on the group around the same time Carter looked up and saw me. He lifted up from the ground and headed towards us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey babe. You ready for bed?” Carter’s cherry voice brought me back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a small smile and nodded. “Yeah. I’m ready.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And with a couple goodbyes, we left the group and headed to the room. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I opened the door expecting nearly anyone but who I saw on the other side. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ben?” I was so surprised my jaw nearly dropped to the ground. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He had been turned to the side looking out at the view of the woods from my apartment but when I said his name he turned to me with a smile. “Hey. I’m in town for work. And had an inkling you’d be holed up in your house on a Friday night.” His grin widened with mischief. “You are aware you’re in college right? And live on campus?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I rolled my eyes as I tried to contain the grin attempting to grow on my face. “So you came all the way here to be an asshole?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He laughed, “No I came all the way here to get you out of the house.” He inclined his head back, “Come on, let’s get out of here.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ben, I’m not even dressed.” I deadpanned. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then go. Change. I’ll be in the car.” He turned to walk towards the stairs. “You have 20 minutes.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>By the time the 20 minutes were up I was skirting out of the house and down the stairs to the parking lot where Ben was sitting in his car. When I finally sat down next to him in his car, he looked up at me with a smirk. “Took you long enough.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I scowled playfully at him, “Where are we even going?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He turned his car on and started pulling out of the driveway, “We’re going to a frat party.” He turned and hit me with a grin. “How’ve you been? Long time no see.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I laughed, “I’ve been good. How about you? How’s Paige? She hasn’t visited in a while.” I felt nervous. I had no real idea why Ben was in town. The last time he visited he met Carter and now… Carter and I were done. But just the thought of Ben showing up on my doorstep like it was the most natural thing in the world set me on edge for the night. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s good. Busy though.” He paused. “How’s Carter?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I clenched my hands in my lap. “Um...We broke up.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He nodded slightly. He already knew. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know. I’m sorry. What happened?” His voice was sympathetic. The streetlights flashing by. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My deep sigh filled the car. “He told me he loved me and I couldn’t say it back. And one day…. that just wasn’t enough for him anymore.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben was silent. I finally looked over at him again to see his face, which looked deep in thought. It was the first time that evening that I really looked at him. It had only been about 4 months since he had been in Bellingham last and yet I still missed him. It’s not like my feelings had changed, maybe they never would, but I thought at least I would find him less attractive. Especially since he was an ass 95% of the time. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well the good news is… tonight I’m going to take your mind off of it. We’re gonna get drunk and you’re not going to even think about how the douche dumped you on the side of the road. It’ll be great.” About that time he pulled up behind a car to park in the middle of a neighborhood. There were cars lining the streets leading up to what I knew was the biggest frat house on campus. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s gonna be great.” He gestured to the house that was down the block with music blaring loudly. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>By the time we reached inside Ben was immediately shoving a drink in my hand. “You remember Poe Dameron from high school? He goes here too and this is his frat. He’s the one who told me this was going on.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I scrunched my face in confusion, “Poe Dameron goes to Western Washington? How did I not know that. And how did I not know you two were friends?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben laughed, “We’re kinda friends.” He took a big swing of the drink in his hand. “He’s had a thing for Paige forever. Basically hates my guts for being with her.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I nodded lamely and in turn, took my own sip of the drink. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Speak of the devil.” I heard Ben say under his breath and saw him staring over my shoulder. I turned around to see Poe making his way through the crowd towards us with the same huge and charming smile he had in high school. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ben Solo! Great to see you man. It’s been a while.” Poe shouted. He looked handsome as ever, and I almost felt giddy like those girls did in high school when he gave them attention. He was looking at me like we had never met, which was almost true. “Wait, you’re Paige’s sister right?” His arm had wrapped around Ben’s shoulder like they were the oldest of friends but I could tell that Ben was not as comfortable around Poe as Poe was him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I smiled, “Yeah. Poe Dameron?” I tried to act like I had forgotten how he traipsed down the halls of Dalton High School like he owned the school and everyone in it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His grin turned flirty. “Paige’s sister, just as beautiful as her.” I nearly recoiled. And I saw Ben tighten up next to him. I loved Paige, but I did not want to be compared to her in front of Ben. At all. “I can tell you two aren’t actually related though. I remember Paige telling me about her foster sister. Guess that’s you right?” He laughed like it was an inside joke with Ben that I just wasn’t privy to. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben turned and slapped Poe on the chest just a little harder than would be deemed playful, “Poe, my friend Rey is here to party and get drunk. She doesn’t need to hear your weird ramblings about Paige.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Poe took it like a champ and acted like he was not picking up on Ben’s jab. And maybe he wasn’t. “Well I am more than willing to help with that.” He sent a wink my way. I looked over at Ben to see him rolling his eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He pressed his palm flat on Poe’s chest to turn him in towards him slightly, “Poe, Rey just got out of a relationship with a douche. I don’t think she needs to be flirted with by another one right now.  He said it just in the middle of serious and joking that Poe took the hint, but he laughed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, okay. I get the hint.” He laughed and stepped away from Ben. “But have Paige come visit with you next time, will ya?” Poe sent one final wink before he turned and walked back through the crowd. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben and I both stared at him as he left. His face annoyed and my face extremely confused. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So… he hasn’t changed at all.” I commented to break the silence that had fallen. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben laughed and broke his stare away from Poe’s path, “Nope. Not really.” With that he reached for the cup he had sat down and took one final swig before he sat the cup back down, empty. “You ready for another drink?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I looked determinedly down at my cup and tried to finish it in one gulp like he had down but came up coughing and sputtering. When I finally caught my breath Ben was laughing and pulling the cup from my hands. “Let’s go get some more and then go dance.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>After another drink down and one in our hands, we headed towards the living room where a bunch of college students were dancing, or at least grinding. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do you like to dance?” I asked him as softly as I could with how loud the music was in there. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He shrugged. “When I’m drunk. What about you?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love to dance.” I sent him a broad smile and then began to sashay my way to the dance floor. He followed behind me but didn’t get too close. We both started dancing a little bit with the flow of the group, but he always stayed a few feet apart. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And it stayed that way, until we went to get another drink and when we got back to the dance floor he was just a little bit closer. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And then the next time we got a drink, he pulled a little bit closer. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And by the 6th cup down, he was right up next to me with his hands on my hips. I was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol completely now and my trained movements were becoming more instinctual and flowy. I swayed my hips and with every turn, they slightly brushed up against his. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His hands were gripped lightly on my abdomen and his own movements getting a little more sloppy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>By our next and final drink, we were nearly plastered together. His hand was running up and down my side and his face curled into my neck. My hips were clashing with his constantly and every movement was sensual. Every fiber of my skin was on fire and I was struggling to not turn around and do the one thing I had been afraid to do. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Suddenly, I felt his lips on my neck and I arched back in reaction. His soft lips traveled slowly down and into my collar bone and then back up underneath my jaw. I faltered on my movements but his hands still directed my hips in a sway like motion. I was molten. My heavy breath came out in pants and my eyes had fluttered closed long before. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I felt pressure on my right hip to twist it around and was turned around towards him in a second. Before I could even meet his eyes, his hand were pulling me right into him and exploring my body while his lips switched to the other side of my neck. I used my slight flash of sanity to roll my hips into his more purposefully than dance like. His chest expanded at my movements. I lifted my hands into his hair and pulled tightly. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was like all my dreams were coming true. I had been in love with him for years, and only him. There was always this hope that one day he would see me and want me. But it could never work. He couldn’t be with me. I couldn’t be with him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I tried to wrack my brain for what possibly could be more important than this, as his hips were now grinding fully into me. I could feel how hard he was against my stomach, even through the dress I wore. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His kisses were trailing up my neck and began to encroach on my face. My lips parted for him in an anticipated welcome. He kissed up and around the side of my mouth and I was nearly dripping with wetness. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wanted this so bad. Why had I never had it before? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Right before his lips touched mine, I jumped back like he had burned me. His hooded eyes dancing in confusion were a stark contrast to my alarmed ones. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What had we done? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I was starting to freak out and my inebriation wearing off by the second. I turned and quickly made my way out of the house as fast as I possibly could. When I reached outside Ben was not far behind me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I pulled out my phone to see how late it was and to try to call an Uber.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>We had been dancing for nearly 4 hours.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Rey, what the hell?” Ben sounded like he may have been sobering up as fast as I was. “It’s getting super late, you can’t just run out of the house. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was attempting to maneuver around me so that he could see my face but I turned my back to him at the last minute. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Rey, what the fuck is your deal?” It was obvious he was starting to get frustrated. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ben, We–we–we…” I gasped for breath, “Paige.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was like I knocked the wind out of him. He jolted back from me and his eyes glazed. “Shit.” He whispered. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah. Shit, shit, shiv.” I was still more than a little drunk, even slightly sobered. “This is bad.” I hiccuped. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His mind seemed to be racing and he looked off in the distance, barely even acknowledging my panic. “You’re drunk.” He stated. Then his eyes fell back to mine. “Me too. We’re drunk. It was nothing.” He shrugged. “I barely even realized it was you, or what was happening.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. My heart dropped and I lost all the vigor I had. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing happened, it’s fine. I just– I was drunk. </span>
  </em>
  <span>We</span>
  <em>
    <span> were drunk. We didn’t know what was happening. I thought you were Paige.” He repeated. I completely deflated but nodded.  He thought I was Paige. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah, we didn’t know.” I agreed absentmindedly. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He sighed, before he turned back towards the road and sat down. “It’s fine.” The next morning I didn’t hear from him. And he never came to visit again. We both acted like neither of us remember but that wasn’t true. I remembered everything. And the fact that he thought I was Paige hurt the worst, because for those few hours… I thought he saw me for me. I didn’t know if we would ever talk about that night, and I avoided him the best I could afterwards to help with the memories. His body owned me, his mind captivated me, but in my dreams…. I owned him too….</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This was a huge chapter... and a lot happens in it... </p><p>I wanna see your thoughts on Carter... does anybody like him? I really like Carter personally, but I’ve seen some interesting comments so let me know what you think of him. </p><p>Also!! We finally get a look into that night that they kept talking about. And now you know ;) </p><p>This chapter is a lot about acceptance and resolution. Both Rey and Ben are accepting the truth and reality do their situation for the first time since the anniversary party. So what happens now? (Any theories?)</p><p>See you in a couple days. Also.. would anyone be interested in me posting updates schedules for this fic or any of my other fics on my tumblr?? 💕💕 love you guys</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>May the fourth be with you!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I grabbed the final box from my car and turned around, coming face to face with Ben Solo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” he greeted, albeit somewhat lamely, causing me to stumble a little bit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi.” My voice was cautious, most because I had no fucking clue why he was at my apartment at 10 in the morning. I hadn’t seen him in over a month when Carter and I came to town to visit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I came to help. Cathrine mentioned you were moving back in today and I’m the only one not doing wedding stuff. Other than you.” He reached forward and took the heavy box from my arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You came to help me move back in?” I was still skeptical. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yep, I heard Carter wasn’t moving back to Seattle until late in the month. And as I said, the girls left hours ago to do wedding stuff and Cathrine mentioned you may need help. So here I am.” He smiled at me like we were the oldest of friends and his intentions were as good as good. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I narrowed my eyes, “She did?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He said as if it was the most obvious thing ever. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I continued to stare at him in a thoughtful scepticism. At every passing second his smile dropped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying to make amends here. We said we were going to be friends.” He shifted on his feet and the box he held jostled a bit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed, “Okay. Friends. But you can’t start arguing with me.” My look was warning. I didn’t exactly want to spend my entire day arguing with him about the same thing again. And I definitely wasn’t sure if being friends was in the cards but I was willing to take his measly excuse of a peace offering. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face split in a grin, “I wouldn’t dare.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes but turned and led him towards my apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What made Carter decide to stay an extra month? When you two were here a month ago he made it seem like he was going to move at the same time.” I wanted to believe that he was asking in a friendly manner but still I looked over for any sign of sarcasm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He has a few things he wants to take care of and go see his parents in Oregon for a week. Then he’ll be here and since when are you and Carter friends?” I pressed the elevator button and turned towards him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed, “Well, after all those surfing stories I was won over.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t even know when you talked.” I questioned with a tilt of my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Between when I was arguing with you and when you were catching up with Cathrine.” His eyebrows rose in humor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes and shook my head, “What are the girls doing anyways?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wedding venues or something.” He shrugged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The elevator dinged and we walked inside. “Isn’t it a little late to be looking at venues for December?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed and leaned against the wall, “Yeah, but they’ve been looking for months. I’m surprised they didn’t rope you in to going too.” One of his eyes brows peaked in question. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah. They did. But,” I gestured to the box in his hands, “I needed to move back in. So are you going to have to push the wedding back?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face fell a little bit, “We can’t.” And then heaved out a large sigh as we arrived on my floor. “It’s gotta be this December really. So even if that means I gotta dish out extra money to make this wedding happen in a few months, it must be done.” I sent him a small smile as we walked around the hallway to my apartment. Before, it would have been hard for me to believe that we would be able to sit and talk about the wedding, or Carter, or Paige, or really anything without fighting. While I still felt that unexplainable burning sensation in my chest hearing the urgency of the wedding, I was still happy for them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We entered the apartment and he sat the box down on the counter in the kitchen. After he wiped his hands on his jeans he turned to me. “What now?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My smile grew, “How dedicated are you to helping me today?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He winced, “Uh, I think pretty dedicated.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good,” I picked up the box he sat down and headed towards the bookshelves. “I bought a lot of books in San Diego. I want them set up here, so this and like 4 other boxes of books we’re gonna put up. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But</span>
  </em>
  <span>, in alphabetical order.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face grew deadpanned, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Alphabetically? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Are you serious, Rey?” He threw his head back in a groan. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A laugh bubbled out at his dramatic gesture, “Hey! You offered to help.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did. And I will. Just didn’t realize helping meant trying to remember the alphabet.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes but turned to start placing the books on the shelves in as much alphabetical order as I possibly could. “Thanks for helping either way. Oh! And by the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you about Poe, Paige told me he was in town last week. How was that?” I threw a glance out of the side of my eye to see his reaction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He asked about you actually. If you were single.” He bent over to pick up more books. “Don’t worry I informed him you weren’t.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where does he live now anyways?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He actually moved to Texas. He’s a big shot douchebag lawyer down there.” His breath came out in a sigh, “Figures. He had to go and do something incredibly successful yet totally douchey at the same time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your job is kinda successful and douchey.” I pointed out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned towards me with an appalled look on his face, “How is being a Vice Principal either of those things?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I giggled, “I don’t know, our Vice Principal was pretty douchey.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“True.” He said with a nod and then turned back to put more books in order. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I always remember you wanting to be a writer anyways. What happened to that?” That was all we talked about in high school. Finishing our first decent manuscript after college and sending it off and waiting impatiently to hear back only to find out we were published and already on the Bestseller list. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… I had to look for something more stable.” The humor his face held just before was instantly gone, replaced with a pensive look that I didn’t really understand. “Anyways, Poe basically came back to see his Dad and Paige; And for the most part just talked about himself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nibbled lightly on my lips but kept quiet for a while. Nearly 10 minutes passed with us sitting in silence. But it was a comfortable silence. “So what projects have you been working on lately? Your new promotion put you over like.. the entire fiction department, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded, “Yeah, that’s why I stayed a little extra time in San Diego. But they call it Head Fiction Editor, or something equally as on the nose.” My boss never liked vague titles. “Anyways, yeah. There’s some cool projects going on. And I really </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>like some of the projects I’ve been working on. But nothing big on the horizon, yet.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over at me, “And what about your writing? Do you have anything big on the horizon for yourself?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not… really. I–“ I paused, “I keep thinking one day the perfect story will come to me. But until then I keep writing the first half of the book and never get past that.” I sent him a small half smile and then looked back down at the book in my hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He went quiet again and stared at one book in his hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” I asked as I stepped closer to see what he was looking at. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nothing, I just remembered this book from the school library.” He held it up to me. “You steal this?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My jaw dropped and my cheeks flamed. “No.” I laughed nervously. “Well– sorta.” I pulled the book from his hands and opened the front page, “This was my favorite book at the time and when I graduated, I didn’t want to leave with nothing. So I took this.” I shrugged. “It’s not like they could really do much. I had graduated and this book probably cost them like $10. Although I did leave $10 in the donations jar of the library just in case.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Damn,” he smiled, “who knew you were such a rebel.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The librarian. She liked me… but she also knew I had been wanting this exact copy of this book since my sophomore year.” I went and lightly placed the book in the correct order on the shelf. Another silence fell over us as we continued to work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When we had finished most of the books a half hour later, I broke the silence, “So,” I cleared my throat, “You never said why you needed to find a more stable path?” I probed softly. “I mean, you used to love writing. What’s more stable than that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was so quiet that I had to turn to make sure he was still there. He was still putting books up but his lips were pursed slightly and he looked deep in thought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned away, “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to or something.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not exactly my story to tell.” His voice was soft.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned my whole body to him this time. “What does that mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked up and the side of his mouth quirked up slightly before it fell again. “I just needed to find a better job that profited me sooner. So I could take care of things in my life.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What kind of things in life?” He had piqued my interest. What did that even mean? Ben was never the type to be too concerned about money. He was usually the more ‘go after your dreams and the rest will follow’ kind of guy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He finally stopped what he was doing and turned towards me to say something but then he clamped his mouth shut. He seemed to ponder what he was thinking and then open again. “You remember </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>night?” I nodded and he turned back to the shelves but didn’t actually start doing anything. “I feel like I should clear something up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion. This was uncharted territory. We had never been able to talk about anything about that night without an argument. I treaded carefully. “–Okay…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded like he had already said something and just continued to nod. “I don’t want you to think I’m a total dick, but Paige and I were kind of broken up that day. Or that week. Whatever.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Oh.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His nodding was starting to look more like bobbing. “I mean we weren’t really really broken up. But yeah…” he finally looked over at me, “Things were weird. And it was completely my fault. And I think if we’re going to be friends then we need to clear the air. You know? So that we can move past everything.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t really sure what to say about that. Or how to respond to him at all. “That’s… good to know.” My tone was awkward and I found myself nodding. “What uh– what made you think of that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over at me quickly and then looked back at the book he had been holding in his hands for the past few minutes. “Us talking about the past and all. Our dreams. It made me remember how we were in the writing club together in high school. We were friends and all that. Sort of. So I wanted to get back to that, because I think I could be your new Carter.” He sent a smile my way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laughed, “I have a Carter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know. But when you’re dating or whatever you like stop being best friends and start dating. And I know Carter was that best friend.” He shrugged, “So I thought I would be your new Carter.” His smile dropped and he sighed, “And I can rant to you about how expensive weddings are.” He looked over with a slightly alarmed look, “If that’s okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My smile grew into a soft one and I nodded a small nod. “I would like that. But I want to clarify one thing… I don’t remember us really being friends in high school. I remember me being the weird freshman you spoke to in writing club but then kind of pretended I didn’t exist the rest of the time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? That’s not even slightly accurate. We talked about writing… and books… and– and– I waved at you in the halls.” He fumbled. But before I could respond his phone started ringing. “Hold on, this is Paige.” He turned and walked out of the room to answer the phone. I stared at where he had walked out of the door. That was probably the first conversation we had together where there was no arguing or yelling or crying and it felt a little odd. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The truth was I did like being friends with Ben, in high school and the few times he visited me at college. I had no idea what made him decide to wave the white flag; and finding out about the truth of </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> night from his point of view was… enlightening. I was burning with questions, trying to figure out what Ben and Paige could possibly be fighting about? I had only known of the 1 time of a break up before and even then I didn’t know why. As far as I was concerned, we were okay but it was hard to remember when we had crossed into ‘okay.’ Maybe it was the night he asked if we could be friends, and told me that Carter was a good guy. That same tension that filled the air was there but this time, there was no sexual undertones or arguing. It seemed like we were avoiding everything and we were both walking on eggshells awkwardly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked down at the book in hand like it held the answers to all my questions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So the girls were wanting us to meet up with them for lunch. You want to go join?” He walked back into the room, lightly smacking his phone in his palm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up at him with a small smile. “Im okay. I’m going to stay here and finish unpacking.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He froze and sent me a weird look, “Want me to stay? I can finish helping.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh no, definitely not. Go ahead. They’ll want to fill you in on all the details.” I laughed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He still didn’t move, “Did I spring that on you.. too quickly? About </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>night. I know we haven’t really talked about it… but I thought if we cleared the air then we could… move past the awkwardness.” He ran a hand through his hair and let out a deep breath. “Look,– I know that I’ve messed up and I’ve screwed up so much shit. And I’m sorry, I didn’t have to come talk to you the night of the anniversary party. But…” he trailed off again, “there’s a lot you don’t know. That I want to tell you. But I can’t, and maybe one day I’ll get to. But until then, I’m sorry Rey. I’m so damn sorry. And I’ll stop giving you shit about your life and Carter. And not just because Cathrine gave me the talk of a lifetime after you went back to San Diego, but also because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>want to be friends. And we’re gonna be family eventually and I want that to be okay too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stayed silent as he watched me expectantly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cathrine gave him a talk?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I didn’t really know what to say about everything. And I tried to figure out how to even process what he was saying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pursed my lips and nodded at the ground. “Okay,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.. okay. I think we should stop talking about that night though. I’m fine Ben. And I’ve moved on. And I’m happy to know that night was a slight less of a mistake than it I thought it was. But… that night was a lot. And I spent the past year and a half thinking about how terrible I was for what happened and what almost happened. So no more. Let’s stop talking about it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face was back to its emotionless mask that it is typically set in, “Yeah, you’re right. Great.” He turned and made a weird sound out of his mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should get going. They’re probably waiting for you.” I titled my head towards the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You sure you don’t want to join? The girls would be happy to see you.” His smile was playful and friendly in a way that I hadn’t seen in a while. “Come on, it’ll be fun.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, no. I'm good, really.” I waved him off. “I really need to finish moving in, I go back to work on Monday. So I should finish up before then. But thank you so much for helping me.” I sent him the most awkward thumbs up in my life and tried to smile it off, but Ben could sense my unease. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s just weird. Us trying to be friends…” I trailed off, “But it’s nice. I like it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips twitched in a smile and my own lips grew into a tight lipped smile as well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We continued to smile at each other until I finally broke eye contact. “Okay, well I’ll see you later.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He threw up his hand in a wave, “Yeah, I’ll tell the girls you wanted to be there but you’re a lame ass who organizes her books in alphabetical order.” He sent me one final wink and walked out the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled out of me. “Dick!” I shouted out towards him just as I heard the door close. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Decided to update for the holiday... probably like... one of the nicer and least angsty chapters over the next few updates. </p><p>Chapter development or something...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yes, in fact, I did up the chapter count. Sorry bout that.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Thank you!” I grabbed the cotton candy from the man in the window of the food truck with a smile. The state fair was in full swing. Cathrine and Tom packed us all up for the hour-long road trip to Puyallup every year. And this year was no different. It was always one of my favorite times of year because of all of the food and lights but I also felt like a normal person with a real family everytime I went. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> I picked off a piece of cotton candy and tossed it into my mouth while I made my way back to Tom, Ben, and Cathrine. As I approached they were all 3 standing together with their fair food finds, except Ben who had his hands stuffed in his pockets. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you seen the girls yet? They went to ride that one ride and said they would meet us back here.” Cathrine was standing on her tiptoes trying to see over the crowd. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The lines are pretty crazy tonight. I doubt they’re done.”Because of his height he could see over the crowd easily, “But we could head over there to meet them by the rides if you want. I think there are tables over there too.” He inclined his head in the direction of the section of the fair designated to the rides. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Cathrine turned towards me, “You get everything you need, Rey?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked down at my cotton candy, “Actually I was going to get one of those little jugs of root beer. But I can just go and meet you up there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stopped in her tracks, “Oh, you want us to go with you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go with her.” Ben interjected, “And we’ll meet you by the rides after a minute.” I looked from him to Cathrine to see her cautious expression. Cathrine had reservations about our newfound friendship, but at the same time, she was encouraging our friendship. She never told me what she spoke about with him, and he didn’t either, but I knew something must have been dealt with. Even after he helped me move in things got better. It was like things had changed and the 3 weeks after my move in had built on the newfound friendship we had made. I asked Cathrine maybe 100 times what she spoke about with Ben that day and she never would. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I’ll see you both in a few minutes.” She sent us a look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned and walked towards the root beer stand when I saw Cathrine and Tom get lost in the crowd. Ben walked beside me silently, occasionally tearing a small piece off of the cotton candy and popping it in his mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally, he broke the silence. “Is Carter still coming back next week?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed the candy that was in my mouth, “Yeah, as far as I know.” I sent him a confused look as I remembered something. “Hey! Um, I heard a weird rumor. That uh… Carter is going to be in your wedding?” I choked out a laugh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He winced, “Yeah… He is. Apparently.” I could tell by his body language he felt uncomfortable with the subject but he tried to play it off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s that all about?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked above my head and let out a deep breath, “Well… I’m not entirely sure. Paige said something about like family and how you’re probably gonna marry Carter one day and that makes him family.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked down at my feet. Paige thought I was going to marry him someday? Even after all this time I wanted to know what Ben would think. I hadn’t even thought about marrying him. And to think my family thought it was coming was a little unsettling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s interesting. But you don’t have to do that.” We finally pulled up to the Root beer stand to get in the line.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. Carter and I are cool now actually. He’s a great guy.” I stared at him for a moment. “It’s true. I like him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What changed? Seriously? It’s starting to freak me out a little. It’s like… ever since I got back and you helped me move in and mentioned something about Cathrine talking to you and now you’re friends with Carter?” I laughed, “What’s that all about? And you need to tell me what you talked about with Cathrine. You keep acting all secretive about it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled his hands out of his pockets to cross his arms and rolled his eyes. “I didn’t say we were friends. Just said he was a good guy. And what Cathrine and I talked about is between me and Cathrine.” He sent me a devious smile and a wink. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hate you, by the way.” I added with an eye roll and a dramatic turn forward. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed and turned forward too. “You don’t hate Cathrine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mm true. But she’s my family.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah man. I thought I was family too.” He smiled and then it dropped quickly when he saw my face. I didn’t know Ben saw me as family. I didn’t know anything about how he saw me. Now or before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sucked in a quick breath to steady myself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At that time, the people in front of us left which put us right at the window. “Hi, yes, 2 root beer jugs please.” The lights of the fair seemed to get even brighter the darker it got in the sky, and the light from the root beer shack was no different. I stepped away from the shack after I had my drink and paid and just turned to take it all in. I felt strangely uncomfortable with Ben and Carter being friends not for any reason other than the fact that 2 months before Ben hated Carter. Or at least disliked him enough to fight with me about it. The night of dinner at the house he sounded so disappointed and annoyed and less controlling and rude, and now he was none of that. It’s like every little bit slowly faded off and I didn’t know how to handle his swings. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anyways… Carter </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a good guy. But you used to not think so.” We walked back towards the other side of the park where the rides were. “So I think that makes me right.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not really true.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gawked at him. “No, you absolutely did not like him or think he was a good guy. Do you even remember what it was like bringing him home again for the first time, 2 months ago?” I laughed. “It was pretty awful. I think I remember you telling me how I was moving backwards with my life instead of forwards.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hummed playfully, “And I still stand behind my statement.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a scathing look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? I do.” He laughed. “Come on, Rey. You left Seattle to move forward and you moved on to the only guy you felt comfortable being with. I don’t know if that’s moving forward with your life. He dumped you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stumbled around my words, “Well– I– just… I don’t agree.” I tried to sound confident but I think it came off more as resentful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey,” he sent me a leveling look, “Again,– I do like Carter but he’s your safety net. You love being comfortable with him and you feel like he’s your best friend but that’s not love.” He slowed his steps and tried to turn his body more towards me as we walked. “You should love who you’re gonna be with.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do love him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stared at me for a moment. Before nodding and turning forward. “That’s… good.” He swallowed. I instantly felt bad for saying it. I don’t know if I did. I did love Carter, but I don’t know if I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>in</span>
  </em>
  <span> love with Carter. And my pulse raced trying to set aside my anxiety at telling him I loved Carter. I hated the fact that I still wanted his approval, even after everything. “And maybe I’m wrong,” his voice came out a little more firm. “But it’s not it for you. I can tell you care about him a lot, hell maybe you do even love him, but it’s not…” he searched for the word, “it. And he broke up with you because you couldn’t say you love him. And my guess is you still haven’t even said it to him… so how long is it really going to last?” I could tell he was trying to gentle his words a little bit, take off some of the harshness that he used with the same words 2 months before. “Until he breaks up with you again or proposes like Paige thinks he’s going to, to try and box you in.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes flashed up to his. The look that his eyes held showed all the held back words and opinions he was keeping. But the look also conveyed his honesty. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Propose?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Paige thinks he’s going to propose?” He nodded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She thinks he’s with his parents right now working up the courage and getting the ring.” He tilted his head, “And I think he’s worried he’s going to lose you again so he’s going to do what he thinks you’re supposed to do to win a girl over.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even with all that I still felt defensive. I never liked it when Ben decided he knew me best, and knew what I was going to need and want. I hated the thought that he knew me better than anyone else did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think he’s going to propose.” I was defiant, but scared. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe not.” He nodded, “But what are you gonna if he does?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The look on his face was too much. It was like he was seeing something and showing me something and he didn’t know how to say it. “Why are you doing this? Why do you always do this? You want me to dump Carter because I don’t know if I’m in love with him yet?” I was flustered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked away and I saw the outline of his jaw clench. “I guess what I’m trying to say is...What are you trying to accomplish? You don’t love him and you’re okay with it so what is it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean what am I trying to accomplish?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean–“ I could tell I was starting to get to him. “Why continue this? Why are you okay with not loving him? Why are you okay with being in a relationship without passion?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it so bad that I just want to be loved?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We were stopped in the middle of the crowded fairgrounds. People were having to walk around us while we got a little more heated. Ben, who had been trying to keep his cool, was starting to crack. “You should want more, Reylin.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did.” My breath was loud, “I did. I wanted more and look where that got me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face hardened, “This is not about us.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But isn’t it?” I gestured towards him with my arms. “Hasn’t it been since the beginning of the year? Somehow, even after all this time and this weird friendship you push on me we still end up fighting. I don’t know why we even try to be friends. You just find a way to blame me for something.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked like he was racing to choose his next words wisely. It felt so calculated it made my skin want to crawl off my body. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why did he always have to find his fucking words. Just answer.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rey I– You know there’s things I can’t tell you. And that I’ve been trying for the past 2 months to make up for everything that happened at the beginning of the year and be friends with you. But right now I’m just trying to give you unbiased advice, as a friend. I’m not trying to blame you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We weren’t yelling but that cool, friendly demeanor we had held for the past month wore off. “Then </span>
  <em>
    <span>as a friend</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell me those things you just can’t tell me.” He sent me a frustrated look. “Exactly.” I picked up the pace and started walking again away from him.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey.” He called. “Rey!” He called again, this time a little bit louder. He finally caught up with me and pulled me to a stop. “Rey, I’m sorry. You know I like Carter. I just—“ he snapped his mouth shut. “I— want… you to be happy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head slowly at him, “Why can you never say what you really think? Why are you so careful with your words. Like—“ I sighed “Just say what you feel.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stared at me imploringly. “Would it really help if I did?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I slowed. </span>
  </em>
  <span>His tone was too quiet and deadly, I didn’t want to know what he meant. “Probably not. So let’s not talk about it anymore. We keep saying we’ll stop and we don’t so—“ I threw my hands up slightly, “Let’s stop.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned to go walk away, “Rey,” I stopped and then pivoted back to him. “All Cathrine did was just put me in line. She told me that to care about you meant to drop it and to stop staring at you all the time. And… when I told her I couldn’t… she told me to be your friend.” He smiled softly, and my heart raced. “And she told me that if I fought with you anymore that you would move away completely, out of respect and love for Paige. And maybe I should thank you for that, for caring for her so much.” He looked at me with a deep look and sad eyes, “she needs that. So I stopped. I’m gonna stop. I’m sorry I brought this up. I wanted to… help.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He continued to look at me as I processed what he said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He couldn’t stop staring at me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I didn’t know how to take all that information. All of that mixed with our small argument just before had my head a jumbled mess. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I— People—“ he looked down for a moment and then back up, “Someone other than Carter will love you. You shouldn’t think that he’s the only option because he’s the only option right now. Time can change things.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had a thousand questions and I didn’t know which one I could ask first. “Can I ask you something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips pulled in but he nodded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just this one thing and then we don’t ever have to talk about it again and we go back to the friends thing...but did you–“ I huffed out in nervous exasperation, “You told me once that you couldn’t tell me what I wanted to hear. Was that because you didn’t feel it or because you… couldn’t?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked away from me so quickly, like lightning struck and he had to see. He didn’t answer me for a few seconds and I almost rescinded my question. My stomach turned with nerves. “Things are… complicated. Everything is. I don’t know when it will stop being so fucking complicated. And I’m trying not to cross that line, Rey. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> love her. I just–“ he looked off with a huff, “There is so much. So much more to this than meets the eye.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded, my tongue feeling entirely too heavy to function correctly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stepped closer and his voice lowered half an octave, “Of course, Rey. Of course I loved you. But you deserve… someone who can be with you right now. And I… can’t. I can’t and I probably never will.” He looked in pain, and my heart pummeled out of my chest at his words. The crowd was brushing past us, some people surely getting annoyed that we continued to stand in the middle of the walkway but it was all drowned out to me. “But I also can’t not be around you. So I am your </span>
  <em>
    <span>friend</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He emphasized the word. “I will continue to be your friend for as long as you’ll have me. Everything that happened at the beginning of the year fucked me up, because I wasn’t expecting it. I never knew where you stood. I don’t know how because now it seems so obvious but it just didn’t. But things are the way they are for a reason.” He said, and for a brief moment I tried to decide if he was trying to convince me or himself. “So please,” his voice cracked, “don’t ask me stuff like that anymore. Please. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We stared at each other, and for the first time it’s like I understood. He cared, but whatever tied him to Paige was important, and whatever they had together was not going to be broken. Not that I wanted to break it, because I loved my sister, but it’s like I finally understood, like the final piece that just clicked into place. The truth of it all hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In that moment I just wanted to get away. Not to cry or to run, but just to process all that had been said. Ben loved me. At some point in my life the only guy I had ever loved, loved me back. He wanted me. But I needed my space. I wanted to get away from him and get my mind off of everything. I wanted to see Carter. I wanted things between us to be okay. I wanted him to not propose but not to leave me again. I wanted to move on with my life, the way I said I would all those months ago. I pulled away from Ben, and he watched me like I was a wild animal, nervous I would pounce. But I was shell shocked. I wanted to go home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I could say anything else I saw in my peripheral, someone walk up next to us and stop instead of going around. I slowly looked up to see who it was and what their deal was only to come face to face with a grinning Carter. And all thoughts of the prior conversation left. My heart leaped at just seeing him and I lunged into his arms as fast as I could. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey baby.” He mumbled into my hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pulled back, “Carter! I can’t believe it! What are you doing here?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His smile grew and his handsome face softened. “Well, I came back a little early and decided to surprise you. I met up with Cathrine and Tom who said that you would probably be somewhere around here.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I ran my hands over his shoulders, “Wow! I’m just… so happy to see you. I’ve missed you.” I smiled broadly at him. I was really excited to see him. It had almost been a month since I saw him last and I was more than ready to see him again. Especially after that conversation with Ben. Carter was outside of me and Ben. Carter and I existed out of the world and when I was with him, that was enough for me. The closure I had just gotten with Ben solidified that. I did love Carter, and I really believed that I would fall in love with him in time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter turned to look at Ben as if he had just remembered something. “Oh yeah! Ben, they told me to send you. I guess Paige isn’t feeling too well or something.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s face went from cold and blank to concerned in a matter of seconds and he was gone before Carter could even say another word. He maneuvered through the crowd like Carter had just said Paige had gone into labor or something. I scrunched my face in confusion  “Is Paige okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter looked back at me, “Oh, yeah. I think she just got sick on the ride or something.” His face. Transformed into a smile again and then he leaned in to place a quick kiss on my lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had missed him. Carter was my best friend, and until recently, my only real friend. “I missed you.” I whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His grin was goofy, “Yeah?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded, “Yeah. I really did.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m here now.” He squeezed my waist in the way he always did to make me feel secure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Carter? You mind if we ditch them and do our own thing tonight? I kinda just want to spend time with you.” It was half true. But I also needed time, and I couldn’t get that time trying to be Ben’s friend. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tilted his head to the side and had a puzzled look on his face. “Is everything okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah.” I pulled back from where I had been for the past 5 minutes, plastered to his chest. “Ben and I just had a weird conversation, and I just wanted to have some fun. And catch up with you. I wasn’t expecting you until Tuesday and here you are!” I gestured at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He dipped his head in the direction of the rest of the park, “Alright, lead the way.” I took his hand and started walking with him in the direction I wanted to go, “So what were you and Ben talking about? He seemed pretty intense when I walked up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to keep my body from tensing at his question. I didn’t know how I wanted to answer it, I didn’t exactly want to lie to him. If I wanted things to work out between Carter and I, I needed to be more honest. “We were talking about you, actually.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed, “Oh really? What about me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I bit my lip as I tried to decide which way I wanted to respond. “Well… Apparently you’re in their wedding.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled to a stop. “Really?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled, “Yeah. Really.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hummed in surprise and quirked his eyebrows, “News to me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I just found out for sure myself. I’m sure that now you’re back Ben will probably ask you soon.” I squeezed on his hand as we walked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That seems a little odd.” He cleared his throat, “I didn’t really think Ben liked me that much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to hide my smirk. Carter was too fucking smart for his own good.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why am I in the wedding anyway? He has other friends.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well… Paige seems to think we’re going to get engaged soon. So that’s kinda why.” I winced jokingly. I started to giggle when I looked over at him and saw his face tensed up. Terror ran hot and liquid through me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No way. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Carter?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just kidding.” He started laughing. I slowly relaxed, the terror that was coating my stomach dissipating. “Rey, if I was gonna propose you’d be the first to know.” He pulled me towards him around the shoulder and kissed the top of my head through a smile. “I’m here… on your schedule. Whatever that is.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At his words, every fear and concern I had about Carter left. He was here for me. And it was time I was there for him back. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Is CAREY the superior ship??? Probably.... will they work out??? Probably not.... </p><p>This writing style I trying is so new for me and I love it and the fact that you guys are noticing some of the things I’m doing and acknowledging them makes me emotional. I specifically put it in Rey’s POV to feel like we are in her shoes. So it’s extremely realistic because as humans we only see certain parts of the story. We only see things how WE see them which can be really different than maybe it actually is. So the way that Rey is experiencing things is very real, she doesn’t have some of the behind the scenes and she’s only going off of what her emotions tell her to see. Which is what we actually all do!! Mix that with angst and we all feel super frustrated!!! It’s great.... okay. Rant over.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I was startled awake by the sound of my phone ringing. The sound was inscensant and even in my sleepy state I knew that it must be important to be ringing this time of night. I rolled in the bed towards my cell phone which sat on my nightstand and pressed answer as best I could without really opening my eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello?” My voice was groggy and tired. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey? Oh thank God. I’m freaking out.” Paige’s voice rasped frantically through the phone. “You’re the only one who I figured would answer this late. I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sat up quickly in bed once I saw the time. </span>
  <em>
    <span>3:56 “</span>
  </em>
  <span>Paige? What’s wrong? What happened?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I slipped from the bed as gently as I could, trying to not wake up Carter who was staying with me while he finished getting moved into his new apartment. My eyes glanced back to make sure he was still fast asleep and tiptoed into the living room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I— Rey Im— I’m freaking out. I’m freaking the fuck out.” Her voice trembled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I'm here. Tell me what’s going on.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t do this. I can’t marry him. This is a bad idea.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I staggered back, “What? Paige, what’s going on?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She made heavy breathing noises through the line. “I can’t marry him, Rey. I don’t think I can do it. We shouldn’t do this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I lowered myself onto the couch, completely out of my depth. I had never heard Paige so shaken before. “Paige… you love Ben. You’ve been with him forever. You get married to him next week. What do you mean you can’t marry him? Did you guys get into a fight or something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sniffled. “No. No. Nothing like that. I just— can’t. I feel like this is a mistake. I do love him. He— he’s done so much for me.” She whispered. “But I don’t want him to regret it. I don’t want this to be something we both regret.” The line went silent. “I don’t want to hurt him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel like this is coming out of nowhere. Are you sure you’re okay? You guys are great together and so happy. Why is this coming up now?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just— woke up. And… I just felt like I shouldn’t do this. And I started freaking out when I realize the wedding was only a fucking week away. I can’t tell him because I don’t want to hurt him. He would be devastated. But I don’t know what else to do. Maybe I should move to Canada. Or Australia or something.” She rambled. “God— I don’t know. I don’t know. Why did we do this? Why? Why?” She wasn’t really speaking to me anymore but to herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head was spinning, “Paige, you need to sit down and take a breath.” I paused, trying to get a grip myself too. There was never a part of my mind that thought that Paige would get cold feet. “Now listen to me. You and Ben love each other. You’ve been together since… high school. And… you are so happy together I—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She cut me off, “But what if we’re not? What if he’s not?” It sounded like a tiny sob escaped her. “What do I do then?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded and swallowed, not really sure how to process what she was saying, “You are, aren’t you? Happy I mean? Why else would you be together?” I was feeling as unsure as she was by then. And every word that came out of my mouth was just repeating itself because I had no idea what to say. I was far too shocked to actually process what to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Her voice cracked. “After a while it feels like a routine. Like are we together because we are still in love and happy or are we together because it’s comfortable and because of… –because we think we’re too old to move on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I leaned back on the couch, the hand that wasn’t holding the phone gripping my heart. It ached for my sister on the phone and the guilt that I had felt for what happened at the beginning of the year creeped in once again. Somehow this all felt like my fault. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And shouldn’t we know? No matter what, we shouldn’t just settle for not </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>being happy, right?” She let out a shaky breath. “I should set him free…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mind raced and my heart thudded against my chest angrily. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What do you mean set him free? You’re all he’s ever wanted. </span>
  </em>
  <span>My sister was on the other end of the line panicking in a way I had never heard her do before. Paige was always the calm one. Rose was quick to anger and I was the one always looking for a good time but Paige was steady. And sure. Every decision she made was precise and detailed, like she had every moment of her life planned to the second. She never got scared and always had a plan. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> I couldn’t relate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she was on the other end of the line crying and speaking hysterically about the one thing I was sure of. Paige and Ben were sure. They were constant. They were </span>
  <em>
    <span>it</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I didn’t quite know how to be there for the sister who had always had everything together. I wanted to, though. Out of all the people she could have called at 4 in the morning she called me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I clenched the fist that rested on my chest and took a deep breath. “Paige, don’t you think this is probably just… some cold feet? You’re supposed to get married next week. You’ve been nothing but excited.” My voice came out way more calm than I felt. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>felt </span>
  </em>
  <span>like I could barely breathe and to slow my racing heart would take an act of God but I didn’t want her to know I was as unsettled as she was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A confidence I didn’t know I had flooded me and I nodded, “Yeah but I do. Listen to me Paige. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben. You’ve loved him for a long time. It’s normal to get freaked out before the wedding and to doubt yourself and your feelings. This is a big decision, choosing to marry someone. Even when you’ve been with them for a long time. But you’re not making a mistake.” I heard her take a deep breath over the line. My voice dropped to what sounded like a soothing whisper. “Remember Ben, and how he’s been there for you forever. How he followed you after high school and stayed by your side even when you two broke up for a couple of weeks. Remember how much fun you have together. And how much he makes you laugh. How </span>
  <em>
    <span>sure</span>
  </em>
  <span> you are.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But what if he followed me because he felt like he had to?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then remember all that happened afterwards. Remember at the beginning of the year how excited you were at your engagement party…” I swallowed down the tears that tried to surface. “How it felt when he finally asked you to marry him.” My gaze finally left the window looking out of my house onto the big city and flitted over towards the hallway that led to my room. After Carter had come back into town my friendship with Ben had felt strained. We were civil when we saw each other but the quick lunches during work days and the weekly farmers market runs had come to stop. And we never spoke about anything we said that night at the state fair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was like that closure I had felt like I needed for all those years… I finally got and then we were okay. I was okay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But the conversation with Paige still made me feel swallowed with guilt and my skin lit with unease. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Who was this Paige on the line?</span>
  </em>
  <span> And why would she ever feel unsure about where she and Ben was when Ben had always chosen her and loved her for as long as I could remember. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do love him, Rey. But I guess… I’m just scared that my love won’t be enough. That love isn’t always going to win.” She sniffed loudly and my heart ached for her. “What if love doesn’t always win?” Her voice sounded so defeated and despondent. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Love doesn’t have to always win every battle. But I believe it wins the ones that count. But this isn’t just something random. This is you and Ben. You’ve lived together and grown together.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>He loves you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “You have to know your relationship is more than love and passion. It’s surety and… constant. You know it’s going to work because of how well you know each other. Because at every turn of life that’s the person you want to call and tell what just happened to. You’re confident in who they are as a person. And you're both stubborn as all hell so…” I tried to brush off the intensity of my emotions by chuckling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Paige was still silent on the other end of the line for a while. I could barely hear her mild sniffs and the silence drug on. “So you think I should still do it. I should still marry him.” I wasn’t entirely sure that what I had said had made any sense but it seemed to for her. “Even if we’re just… settling… or something.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tiny pieces of hope that I never allowed to grow, began to try and weed their way up. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t say anything. Paige and Ben were </span>
  <em>
    <span>sure</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Since the dawn of time I know that they were set in stone and sure. My feelings had always been set aside for what I presumed was a destiny I would never experience. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you should marry him because you want to, right? And he wants to marry you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to make a mistake here, Rey. Sometimes it feels like Ben is the only person in the world who… knows me. And I don’t mean anything against you or Rose it just feels like we’re together because we know each other and it’s almost like we have no other options anymore.” I wasn’t understanding what she was saying. Paige never struck me as the type to settle for anything less than what she deserved. “But I do love him. You’re right. Maybe I’m just… maybe I’m just overthinking all this.” She sighed. “Thank you.. For talking me down. Really. You helped a lot.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did?” I didn’t feel like I had. If anything it felt like I made it worse because now I was tense. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. You knew exactly what to say. I love Ben. And I’m getting married to him next week.” For some reason that hurt more than it should have. I was over Ben, of course I was. But Ben and I had fallen into an easygoing friendship and since that day at the fair, things had felt strained. I wanted to get back to the friendship we had. “Sometimes I think I just get overwhelmed by it all.” She let out a soft chuckle, “And so here I am bothering you at 4 in the morning, when we should both be sleeping.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…” I bit my lip in thought, “Why are you awake?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I couldn’t really go to sleep. I’ve just been… up. I finally sent Ben home at like midnight and haven’t been able to do anything since. I just sat there and got all in my head or whatever. And… just… I don’t know. Started panicking.” That wasn’t really like her, but maybe the wedding stuff was really getting to her. “But it’s fine. You honestly helped a lot. I feel like it was just a cold feet kinda thing and that— that I’m fine now. Thanks Rey, really.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Yeah. Of course!” I sat up straight, unsure of where to go from here and her slow yet sudden change in mood. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna try and get some sleep now. So… goodnight.” She went silent. “I love you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, Paige. Goodnight.” The line went dead seconds after and my hand dropped slowly into my lap. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ground that I had been standing on had shifted and the empty pit in my stomach grew deeper. I paced around the house until 6am. My own subconscious had been screaming at me for hours to call Ben. We hadn’t really spoken much since late September, but every fiber of me wanted to tell me, to talk to him, to be the one who would be there for him. With every pace I made from one side of the house to the other I tried to calm myself down. But I think I only worked myself up more. I wanted to fix things with Ben. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to fix things with Ben. Because he was the only person I wanted to talk to after everything that happened with Paige. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stared anxiously at the clock until it flipped to 6:02 and then dialed his number. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey? You okay?” His voice sounded concerned through the line the moment he answered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” I cleared my throat from the too anxious tone it carried. “Yeah, I’m good.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quiet for a moment. “Then why did you call? At 6 in the morning.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well… I wanted to get breakfast. Things had been weird for us since the fair and I just— wanted to fix things.” When he never said anything I spoke again, anxiety spurring me forward. “We could be friends… again?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The silence was daunting. “...Where are you wanting to go?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed in relief. “Um, maybe we could go to the coffee shop by Pike? The one we used to go to?” I’m sure he could tell I was hopeful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll meet you there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The minute he was off the line I raced through the house as quiet as possible, getting dressed and then left a quick note for Carter. My apartment was not too far from Pike Place Market and I made the quick walk there in no time. The life of the market was already in full swing even for a Sunday and the crowds littered the place at 6:40 in the morning. This was Seattle. Not the space needle or the art museum. This.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My favorite breakfast restaurant happened to also be there and every Sunday before the state fair since I moved back, Ben and I would get coffee and then shop around at the farmers market. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, I sat down in front of the building with my coffee and waited patiently for my food and Ben to show up. I tried not to rub my hands raw on my jean clad legs but the clammy feeling in my palms just wouldn’t go away. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How could I talk to him without saying that Paige had cold feet?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He slid into the chair in front of me before I could even see him approaching. “Hey. You alright?” His face was a mixture of caution and confusion. “You look… tense.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m fine.” I smiled. “You going to order?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I already did.” Now the look on his face was very confused and spoke slowly like I didn’t understand something. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” I glanced at the coffee cup he held in front of him. “Great.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded slowly, “So… you called?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We used to do this every week. Then things got weird or whatever… I want you to know… I forgive you for everything you said about Carter. That’s what friends do, right?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I hope</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “They talk to each other even about the uncomfortable things.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what brought on this change of heart?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Your fiancée almost called off your wedding and I don’t know how to tell you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “I just wanted to apologize for everything I said that night. And I think I made it awkward… with all my questions.” I looked down at my hands. “I disagree with what you said but I think you were just trying to be honest with me… so I respect that.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Liar</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm… I don’t believe you, but okay.” He leaned back in his seat and both of our food was placed on the table by the waitress. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded absentmindedly, trying to work up the courage to ask what I wanted to ask. “So…” I flashed him a smile, “You get married next Friday. Like 12 days or something? Are you excited?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent me a look, “Yeah… I’m happy that I don’t have to wait for it anymore. Planning a wedding is hell and I think it’s stressing Paige out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh thank God. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stress. That made so much more sense. She was stressed about wedding planning. She wasn’t trying to break up with him. “Oh yeah. I heard the weddings can be stressful. But she’s okay, right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Yeah.—I think so.” He looked thoughtful off to the side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We kept it mostly small talk through breakfast, mainly focusing on catching up after our month and a half cold shoulder. He told me about the school and I told him about the new books I was about to finish editing and send to print. It was back to being easy. And when we finished our meal we stood and walked through the farmers market, shopping as if we had never stopped going every Sunday. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So when is Carter moving into his own place? He’s been in town for almost 2 months now and he’s still at your place.” Ben wasn’t looking at me but I could tell there was something heavier under his question. More like… </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> Carter moving out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhh… his place gets finished the weekend of your wedding. I forget what day. But I think he isn’t moving in until the following Monday because of all the craziness with the wedding and stuff.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay with all that? Him living with you, I mean. I know how much your own space means to you.” He busied himself with picking out kiwi. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I barely contained the narrowing of my eyes, “Carter is my best friend… and he would do it for me so of course I’m okay with doing it for him.” Ben never responded so I pressed forward, “How are you with the wedding and everything? You getting cold feet or anything?” I kept my tone as even as possible and my eyes trained down to the same fruit I had been inspecting for 2 minutes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wheeled around. “Cold feet?” He deadpanned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced up and then back down at the fruit in my hand. “Yeah, a lot of people get cold feet, you know? All the nerves of the wedding day and such. I know you’re a little under two weeks out but…” I shrugged, “Cold feet.” Like what I was saying made complete sense. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t have cold feet.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… I know. Just…” I sighed and set the fruit back down, “I’m just asking. I know I would probably have some sort of cold feet or freak out of something if I was about to get married.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because if you married Carter it’d be a mistake.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I Instantly winced at his words and stepped back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I heard him grimince. “Sorry.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I— I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll stop it’s just… yeah sometimes I do feel…” his head went from side to side, “Unsure about it all. But I know that I’m doing the right thing. So it’s just feelings.” Some guy accidentally bumped into me and interrupted my focus. After he apologized and steadied me I turned back towards Ben. He stood with his hands in his pockets and a squinted expression on his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or more concerned by his reaction. The Paige I heard on the phone that morning was a lot more unsure than he was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t mean to start anything, Rey. I just get uneasy when you bring up stuff like this.” He mistook my silence for anger. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I fidgeted with my jacket sleeves. “It’s fine Ben, honestly I was just asking as a friend. Things are different now.” It wasn’t a complete lie but enough to where I had to look away to say it. “You’re about to get married and… things are getting serious with me and Carter. So let’s put this year behind us, okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He threw me a disbelieving look but eventually nodded. “Okay.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw his eyebrows quirk and his eyes roll. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m serious!” His face was full of humor and I couldn’t contain my breathy laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The grin on his face stretched wider. “I missed this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I settled back into a walk next to him towards the next booth. “Yeah… me too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We walked in a comfortable silence, occasionally stopping at various booths and fruit or vegetable stands. It felt like old times. As it got closer to 9 he walked with me back to my apartment, finally breaking the quiet that had fallen between us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So… why </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> you call to make up with me at 6 in the morning?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My feet scuffled along the sidewalk softly, “Because I knew you’d be up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He narrowed his eyes, “Okay. But that doesn’t answer why.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Umm, I just— realized that I didn’t want to go into the wedding and everything with this weird fight between us. I wanted to let you know I’m here for you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>as a friend</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” There was a little extra emphasis on the last line, “And so if you need me… even though I’m not one of your groomsmen or whatever…” we both laughed a little at that, “... I’m here.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You probably know more about me than my best man or my groomsmen.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I meant to ask you about that… Who the hell is Armatige anyways?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He groaned, “Oh God. Worst decision ever. It was my only real option. Apparently I’m not too good at making friends…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Me either</span>
  </em>
  <span>… “Well I can be your honorary best man then.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The look on his face transformed from the laughing look it held before to something… I couldn’t quite identify. It nearly knocked the wind out of me. He looked too damn handsome for his own good. Whatever look it was I couldn’t take much more. I crossed my arms and looked down at my feet as we slowed to a stop in front of my building. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you uh, need any help or anything…” I smoothed my hair down and behind my ear, “just let me know.” My eyes never met his again, “I’ll either help or I’ll send Carter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled, “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.” Then turned to look up at my building, “I better get going.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, me too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We stood there in front for a little while longer, “I’m glad we’re okay.” After he said that he turned and waved goodbye. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I watched him cross the street and round the corner before I spun and headed back towards my apartment. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A little bit shorter chapter but... Phew.... a lot to unpack here. </p><p>We get to see a little morE of Paige for the first time really. </p><p>I LOVE reading you guys’ theories. They’re my favorite. <br/>Any theories on what’s gonna happen next???</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I glanced up into the mirror and inspected myself. The bridesmaids dress cinched tightly on my waist but flowed down over my hips to the ground in a nice mauve. It was wedding day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nausea curled in my stomach and I was sure my palms would be clammy for the remainder of the day… but it wasn’t about me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I spun around to Cathrine with a smile, “What do you think?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had her hand placed on her heart and her entire face was gushing, “You look gorgeous. These dresses look wonderful!” She turned and saw Rose standing in hers to the right of me as well, “Oh wow. You’re both stunning. Paige is gonna be so happy that everything is turning out so well.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is she </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span> in hair and makeup?” Rose sounded exasperated. “The wedding is in like an hour.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine came up to me and moved her fingers through my hair in that magic motion that always made me look good. “Rose, some things take time. Plus I think she’s feeling a little nervous so it’s taking an extra few minutes. Which is fine.” She observed her handwork and smiled, “An hour is more than enough time to get her in her dress and down the aisle.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was painful. No matter how much I felt over him or how much I cared for Carter it still felt like a knife in my stomach. Cathrine caught my look and immediately froze. “You okay, Rey? You look kinda green.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to let the nausea subside before I started walking away but it wouldn’t so I just smiled at her. “Yeah, I think I’m having sympathy nerves.” I finally took my first step away, praying that Cathrine couldn’t see how much of a liar I was. “I’m going to go check on Paige.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before Rose or Cathrine said anything else, I was out the door and weaving my way through the halls of the church to where Paige was getting her hair and make up done. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I slowly opened the door to the room and slipped through the small space I had made. Inside was Paige and 2 other ladies helping to do her hair and make up. My soft steps were the only sound other than the soft, acoustic, early 2000’s music that played through the room. Paige’s eyes were closed and she looked serene. The make up accentuated all of her best features but in a natural way that only heightened her beauty, not alter it. The muscles in her face were so relaxed and her lips laid in a soft smile that made her almost look asleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was stunning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Paige.” I went and sat in front of her in the seat that was placed next to the floor length mirror. Her lips quirked up into a smile when she recognized my voice. “You look beautiful.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you. How do you look?” Her eyes were still closed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The dresses look great. Both on me and Rose. I haven’t seen the other 2 girls in theirs yet though. But I’m sure they look great. They’re very pretty dresses.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hummed, “What time is it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“6:10. You’ve got about 20 minutes max before we have to start getting you in your dress.” I looked up at the two ladies working on her to see if they acknowledged what I said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Paige bit her lips and the lines on her face turned pensive. The same anxious feeling I had almost 2 weeks before when she called me at 4 in the morning covered me again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” I reached my hand forward to grasp hers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The one eye that wasn’t being worked on opened slightly and she smiled. “Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about how important this day is.” She squeezed my hand and her eye shut once more. “Thank you for checking on me. I think we’re almost done here though. Would you mind helping me get dressed? I know Rose is going to be running around getting everyone in order and having that new boyfriend of hers do the same so… would you mind?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pushed aside the ache in my chest, because today… was not about me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I will.” A couple minutes later the girls who had been working on her face finished and Paige opened her eyes to inspect their work.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow, you guys did great.” About that time the door I had walked through a few minutes before flew open. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Paige, honey, you look absolutely stunning. I am blown away.” Ben’s mother greeted as she walked in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Awww, Leia, Thank you. I feel like a different person.” Paige’s hand rested on her sternum. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mom then turned towards me with a smile. “Rey, It’s good to see you too! I’ve missed your smiling face. But I heard you were in San Diego for a while.” I tried to wipe the jealousy away that Paige and Leia were so close and Leia knew nothing about my life really, but I felt it clawing at my insides. Reminding me of where I was and what this day was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Dr. Organa. I’ve missed you too! And I did but I moved back 3 months ago or so.” She engulfed me in a hug and then pulled back to look at the dress I had on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow, Paige, these are stunning on. I’m so glad we chose the mauve. They especially compliment Rey’s skin tone.” She winked at me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well my theory is, is that Rey would look good in anything.” Paige winked at me and walked towards the pedestal that was on the far side of the room where her dress also hung. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.. Paige, we need to get started getting you dressed because it’s 6:37. “ I followed behind her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Paige stepped up on the podium and froze. I tried to look around the mirror to see her facial expressed but her eyes were sealed shut in a squint. “Paige…?” The hand that was in her sternum was still there out fisted and pressing into her chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She let out a deep cough. She let out a couple of others, and then several more. I closed the distance between where I was and where she stood on the podium quickly and Ben’s mom was not far behind me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Paige?” I questioned again, worriedly. Paige continued to cough and Leia went up behind her and patted her roughly on the back like she needed help coughing something up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, would you go get Paige some water please?” She continued her ministrations on her back and I rushed to the mini fridge that was in the corner and grabbed a water bottle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, dear. Here Paige. Drink.” She opened the bottle and lifted it to Paige’s mouth. Paige had leaned over slightly when she was coughing but tried to sip at the water. I stared at her face in concern until her coughing came to a stop. “There you go.” Dr. Organa continued to pat her back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” I asked Paige once she finally drank some more water and took a normal breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked over at me with a smile, “Yeah. Yeah— I’m fine. Just felt like I had some dust in my throat.” She let out one more lingering cough and then finished the rest of the bottle. “Let’s go! I need to be out there in 15 minutes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit, yeah.” I rushed to grab her dress and opened it to help her step in from the bottom. We had to hurry through getting her in the dress and getting situated and 5 till, Cathrin, Rose and the other 2 bridesmaids rushed in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Leia! I was looking for you—“ Cathrine cut herself off and froze, “Oh my lord. Paige… you are.. wow. Honey you look absolutely gorgeous. Oh wow… I love you so much.” Tears had begun to fill her eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Paige’s dress was perfect for her. The bodice was not too extravagant but fit her well and the smooth silky fabric tightened on her rib cage and then flared out in a large, rounded, princess like bottom. The stark white complimented her perfectly. And the way her hair was pulled into a low bun followed suit with the simplicity of the dress but somehow not too simple.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She spun around to show the movement of the dress and all the ladies in the room preened. I could barely breathe past the lump in my throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you think?” Paige asked, her voice breathy and soft. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look beautiful!” Rose squealed excitedly, and the rest of the ladies all shared their similar sentiments. Paige’s eyes moved across the room as each woman shared their thoughts until she landed on me. I realized it was my turn to say something and cleared my throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re beautiful Paige.” My chest rattled, “He’s going to be stunned by you.” Her relieved smile grew and turned into something way more emotional. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so happy you’re all here. Thank you… for helping to make this day so special.” She turned and looked at all the ladies and tears filled her eyes. “Let’s go walk down the aisle.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We all filed out the room and towards the front of the building where the empty entry way was eerily quiet. It was only 4 more minutes until the wedding and the majority of people were seated. I peeked through the double doors that lead into the sanctuary. The small glass square was towards the top of the door and I could just see the rows of people waiting and Ben, Carter and his other groomsmen who stood at the front waiting with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My chest tightened further. Because while Carter looked dashing— 2 people to his right stood Ben. He wore a stark black suit, and a matte black bow tie that stood out against his white shirt. His hair which was typically messily styled, looked to be recently trimmed and lightly gelled back. He was looking down at the ground or possibly at his hands that were clasped in front of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And the moment he finally looked up, even with his head pointed down, he caught my eyes. I wasn’t sure if he realized it was me at first but then I saw the look in his eyes turn from slightly nervous to a deep blankness that he usually saves for me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It knocked the wind out of me. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I stepped back from the door as if it had burned me and turned back towards the girls who were lining up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine shoved a bouquet in my hand while she spouted out different instructions to us, that I wasn’t quite paying attention to. I gripped the flowers, desperate to keep from showing how shaken I was to anyone else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, it’s time to go ladies. Leia and I are going to walk with Paige like we practiced, everyone else, get in your order. They’re about to start the song.” Cathrine whirled around the room checking frantically to make sure none of us had any toilet paper dragging behind us or makeup out of place on our face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood, waiting for the doors open. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On the other side, things changed. On the other side… it would start a new era. And no matter how much I wanted to be over Ben and wanted to be in love with Carter… I felt like I was just trying to avoid this day. Because no matter what… my soul felt tied to Ben. But this was the end of that. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The doors opened and we started filing out one by one. When it came my turn, I lifted my lips in the biggest smile I could muster and looked around the crowd. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Anywhere but him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The walk felt like an eternity, but when I arrived at my spot next to the altar I turned and waited patiently as Paige was about to begin her walk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The doors closed briefly and Rose was the last of the bridesmaids to make her way down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the next moment, the song changed to the song that Paige had requested to walk down the aisle to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The acoustic guitar started and the doors opened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The crowd stood to their feet while Paige glided down the aisle slowly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My treacherous eyes flitted away from her and towards Ben. And Ben— who had been looking at the ground now looked solely at her. His eyes gleamed with pride and his face was covered in emotion. Happiness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Paige was angelic and Ben was in awe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes stung in a way they hadn’t in a long time. When it all came too much, I finally broke my gaze and bowed my head to the ground to gain my breath back. But my chest burned ferociously. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The preacher began to talk and I opened my eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This was it</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>They were getting married</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe I had done this to myself. And maybe Ben was right. But it felt too much. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t fight for him. I took the back seat… But I did it for my sister. For my family. I had never had a family. And before the beginning of this year… I didn’t know how much I had this one. I had always thought Cathrine and Tom were temporary; that I should appreciate them while I had them but one day they would realize I’m not really their family and that part of my life would be over. And Paige and Rose were the people in my life who had been through what I had been through, once their mom passed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But things with Cathrine had changed. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>have her. She… was my mom. And the love she had shown me was greater than any other love I had experienced in my life. It gave me strength. It made me believe that one day I would be okay again. Even while watching the man I had loved for most of my life get married to my sister in the most beautiful and magical wedding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I reached my fingers up to brush against my cheeks. My fingertips caught the stray tears that had been slowly trailing their way down my face. The room in general was filled with tears, Paige included, who looked like she hadn’t stopped crying since her trip down the aisle. All the nerves and confusion she had before— gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben on the other hand had a proud, close lipped smile.  His eyes were focused solely on her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t pay attention. They recited their vows and exchanged rings but the burning in my chest and spread up to my throat and the ringing in my ears amplified. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t breathe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the preacher said his final line and they both leaned in to kiss, I averted my gaze. It landed on Carter, who’s eyes were focused on the happy couple and he smiled brightly. He was happy for them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were married. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Paige was now </span>
  <em>
    <span>Paige Solo. </span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>That was it.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The crowd cheered and clapped for the newlyweds. I garnered every last piece of strength I had and sobered up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was over and done. It was time for me to be done too. I decided then I wasn’t going to cry anymore over it. I had a life outside of </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It was time for me to live it. I just needed to see this— to watch it happen… and then I could move on with my life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was time to turn the page. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I ran the back of my hand over my face one </span>
  <em>
    <span>final</span>
  </em>
  <span> time and smiled at Carter as he approached me. His arm was offered out to walk me back down the aisle behind Ben and Paige. I slipped my hand in the crook of his elbow and pulled close to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look absolutely incredible.” He leaned over to whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked over at him. “So do you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged, “Yeah but I wear a suit all the time. I’ve never seen you in a bridesmaids dress before.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We both laughed and made our way out the doors of the sanctuary. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine made a beeline past us and to Ben and Paige to give them a hug. “Oh congratulations you two! I’m so happy for you. But let’s get the pictures, okay? We don’t have much time before people will start expecting you at the reception so we want to get on those.” She spun around and found me, “Rey! Perfect. You’re going to be in charge of this list right here.” She pulled from her purse a paper, “This list is all the pictures we need to get with the photographer so make sure they get everything before we head to the reception. We only have an hour or so.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She walked away quickly, starting in on her next task. She was a pro at this; weddings I mean. It was like she was in her element all ready to get going and make sure everyone was in the right place at the right time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I was thankful for it, because instead of sitting doing nothing during the photo portion, I was busy and speaking with both photographers there to make sure they were getting all the pictures she requested. Between that and Carter I was distracted from the reality of the heaviness of the situation and the happiness between Ben and Paige. I laughed and enjoyed myself, and by the time we got to the reception I felt… okay. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ladies and gentlemen…. Mr. and Mrs. Solo!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Paige and Ben walked through the doors with the rest of the wedding party not far behind. I slid through the side and around the groomsmen to the drinks table. I wasn’t going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>drink</span>
  </em>
  <span>— the night was much too heavy to partner with alcohol. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They began to make their way to the center of the room for their first dance and all the ignored emotions tried to start working their way back in. I was locked in on them again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt myself take back to that night, almost a year ago. </span>
  <em>
    <span>There had to be a time when I wasn’t in love with him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not just me being in denial, but actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> in love with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben and Paige danced across the floor. And I felt the knife curl in my stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It shouldn’t mean much because I had never been too used to Ben’s attention on me, but I realized suddenly that he had not looked at me once since I caught his gaze through the small window, just before the wedding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And maybe it’s because he was there experiencing the best day of his life and I was experiencing maybe the worst. He had just gotten married to the girl he loved and I just watched the boy I had loved for most of my life get married to my sister. A representation of all that I let go in my life. All the love I’ve spent my life feeling like I didn’t deserve. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were beautiful. And happy. They belonged together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And maybe that’s why I always just resigned myself, because of the connection I saw they shared, even after just a few days of knowing each other it was like they had known each other forever. They just melded perfectly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But still, I watched on as they made their first dance, smiling dreamily at each other, cementing my fate. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter came up beside me, distracting me briefly from my thoughts. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say for my speech.” He huffed a laugh, “I didn’t even think Ben </span>
  <em>
    <span>liked</span>
  </em>
  <span> me. I mean— I’m definitely happy for them. Ben is a lucky guy because Paige is incredible… but I’m supposed to be one of his groomsmen and I don’t really know why I am one.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I peeled my eyes away from them as their dance slowed, and rested them on Carter who was looking down on my expectantly. “Just say that.” His eyes turned alarmed, “I mean about That you’re happy for them and Ben is a lucky guy and just fluff kind of stuff. I don’t think anyone expects any of the groomsmen to have something substantial to say.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shifted on his feet, “Yeah honestly I’m pretty confused about who these guys are myself. I know I don’t know Ben that well but I’ve never even heard of any of these other guys other than Poe. And why is Poe in the wedding?” He paused in thought, “I mean the only person who I think Ben is even slightly friends with is you. The Armitage guy is like a work friend. Which is totally different than an actual friend. So I’m not really sure why he’s the best man.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked back down towards where Ben and Paige had made their way to their seats. My heart began to ache again. Because even in Carter’s mind… I was Ben’s closest friend. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m a shitty friend</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Carter escorted me to my seat at the wedding party table and I sat there as the other 2 bridesmaids, Kaydel and Jessica, gave their speeches. And then Poe and the other groomsman name Caleb went. I was trying to stack my brain for what I could possibly say. I told Carter what to say for his, but I had no idea what to say for mine, without crying. And I had already promised myself no crying for the night. Or ever again, over Ben Solo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wanted to keep that promise to myself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter stood and said exactly as I had urged him to say and something else about how great the 2 of them looked together. And then it was my turn. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood and walked towards the mic, my heart dropping with every step. I remembered that night again, from the beginning of the year, where this all started. When I gave a speech for them… how it turned out. How confused I was then. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced over to Ben and Paige with a nervous smile and for the first time since just before the wedding Ben looked at me. I didn’t want to flourish under his gaze but I felt myself flush at his attention. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He is married now, it’s time for me to let go</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I repeated to myself over and over before I grabbed the mic from Carter’s hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s gaze was level, and a little apprehensive but Paige’s was filled with the same tears it had been all night long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I finally looked away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey everybody. I’m Rey, for those of you who don’t know me. I have the lucky privilege of being Paige’s sister in every way but by blood.” I smiled truly that time. “I’ve known both of these people for a while now and I… care for them both so dearly. They’re both very good friends of mine. I wanted to tell you all a story real quick,” My free hand rubbed across my ribcage anxiously, “One time… It was their senior year, my junior year— they had just started dating and they wanted to go hiking and for some reason that decided to invite me and Rose along with them. And so we went to mount Rainier and we scheduled out 2 days to climb it the weekend before graduation.” I finally had the guts to chance a look at Ben and Paige and it was like deja vu. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s face was blank while Paige’s was full of emotional tears… just like that night at the beginning of the year. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We had come full circle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So anyways we were climbing the mountain on  the second day and Paige tripped about ¾ of the way up and twisted her ankle really badly. Immediately Ben was by her side, helping her and asking what she needed.” I swallowed past the tears that tried to surface. “He… was her superhero. He picked her up and carried her bridal style the entire way down until we got to camp. Rose and I were blown away.” I caught his eye and tried to wink. “He became the superhero for all of us after that. Him and Paige stayed together and he was always the first one by her side when something went wrong. And I just remember...” I sucked in a breath. “..leaving that day knowing that… I wanted a love like that. I hoped so bad that one day I would experience the kind of love where someone would carry you 3 hours down a mountain because you sprained your ankle. And Paige and Ben have that.” I straightened my wobbly smile. “And today… on this special day in December… they are married. So congrats to you both.” My chest clenched, “May you have a long and happy marriage.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I finally released the breath I didn’t know I was holding when I got back to my seat. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the speeches were lost in the roar. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I risked a glance by up at Ben after a few minutes, his face was trained on Rose who was talking and telling some funny story about Paige from when they were little. I waited for him to catch my eyes, like usual, but he never did. And when the speeches turned into dancing… I stayed in my seat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I don’t know how much time had passed, but before I knew it… they were escorting the bride and the groom to leave. Ben and Paige were going on honeymoon to Hawaii and their flight left early the next morning. So while the rest of the party and dancing would continue on, Paige and Ben were leaving.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I followed quickly behind the crowd unable to see either of them anymore. The noise level was high with excitement and cheers and I had no idea how to track them down. How to say goodbye. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I frantically pushed through the people to try and get to the front doors of the event center, where their car waited outside. I still couldn’t see them anywhere. My heart dropped and I fell back onto my heels.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was over. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A cold feeling came over me and I rubbed my right hand over my sternum. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That was it. They are gone</span>
  </em>
  <span>. <em>He is gone. </em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took in one more shaky breath and turned to leave. But right before I took my first step away, a hand caught my wrist. I wheeled back around and came face to face with Ben, who’s face looked something other than stoic at me, for the first time that night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He immediately pulled me into a hug and I felt all the tension I had worked up, fall off. “Thank you.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tears that I had promised myself I wouldn’t let go, welled up in my eyes and fell down my face. I gripped tightly at his shoulders. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled back from the hug and looked at me, “You helped make this day </span>
  <em>
    <span>perfect</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”  Everything on his face was genuine, and kind. “Thank you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my lips but nodded slightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent me a soft, half smile before he turned and made his way back through the crowd and disappeared. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey everyone! I am writing a few chapters ahead so I decided to go ahead and give you guys this chapter a few days early because I know the last chapter ended on a really sad note and this chapter isn’t.... much better but I think it ends on a good note at least. (LOL) anyways... please give me your feedback so I kinda know how the story is being received for future chapters. </p><p> </p><p>Also... I’ve seen a lot of people kind of insinuating that maybe they don’t really see a way for Ben and Rey to work it out and I just want to warn you ahead of time... I am not going to leave many leading hints for anything for that. I want this book to feel like real life. And in real life you don’t really know how it’s going to work out. So please keep that in mind while reading :) </p><p>NEXT: For optimal reading of this chapter... please listen to the song Hold you In My Arms by Ray LaMontagne. Especially when the story references one of his songs.. this is the one I’m insinuating. </p><p>Okay thanks... enjoy ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I stood there, staring out the door as they drove away. I tried to rein in the tears from my eyes but they just kept coming. As the roaring of the crowd behind me faded away, I hugged myself tighter and turned away from the empty doorway. It felt cold, and lonely, suddenly in the building. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My walk back to the party was long, and haphazard. My feet led me back to the cocktail table and I sipped at my forgotten drink. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Carter greeted as he pulled up beside me. I didn’t even look up, “Want to dance with me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes flicked up to him and I gave a small smile, “I don’t know if I’m really in the dancing mood.  I’m pretty tired.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at me with a weird smile and then inclined his head towards the dance floor. “Come on. One dance.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gave him a weary look, even with my smile breaking through and then followed him as he pulled me to the dance floor. We settled in with one hand on my hip and the other hold mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Remember this song?” He said against my hair as we swayed to the music. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This song?</span>
  </em>
  <span> “What about it?” I pulled back to look at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This song played that night that Ben came to visit the first time. That first time I met him. The 3 of us went to that really nice restaurant with the fancy lights, and I went to the restroom and when I came back you and Ben were dancing together. I watched you two for a while. I guess they had encouraged a bunch of people to go up and dance but you and Ben stood up there in the middle of all those old people and danced around and laughed like it was the funniest shit ever. Whatever you two were talking about.” My heart clenched further at his words and I laid my head against his chest again to hide the emotion that was flooding through me,“It looked so easy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was nothing for me to say. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Ray Lamontagne had always had the best songs, indisputably. Ben and I had both loved him in high school and when that song came on and they invited people to dance he nearly dragged me up there. We danced around dramatically, reminiscing on all those years that we listened to Ray Lamontagne every minute of every day in writing club and wrote terrible stories to the tune of his songs. Especially </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> song. But I had no idea Carter saw that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was quiet for a few minutes. “I’m sorry.” He murmured. “I know you cared for him.” My heart thudded against my chest. “Today must have been hard for you.” His hand that was on my waist traveled it’s way up my back to hold the back of my skull. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He held me while we danced. I couldn’t breathe. The love he had for me was far more than I deserve. I nestled into his chest and my heart ached. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s perfect. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Carter was everything I always wanted. I think I just needed time to move forward and sever the soul time I had somehow developed with Ben. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After my dad left to go be with his new wife and their drug addiction, Ben was the person I fixated on. I was so young that the cool boy in writing club who introduced himself on the first day… was enough to keep me captive for years But that part of the story was done now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter held me while we danced. He said nothing else but my love for him grew then. I was always afraid that whoever I loved would end up leaving, but Carter was there. Carter was steady and stable and— there. I never wanted him to leave.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>_</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The week after the wedding felt like a blur. Ben and Paige were gone and I had been busy with work. I hadn’t really heard from either of them. Paige had text me a few times but I decided to take a step back. Gather myself and get space. On my own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter and I never talked about it afterwards. How he watched us that night— Or how he knew I cared for Ben. He had moved out a couple days after the wedding and I hadn’t seen him since. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it was Saturday morning and he asked me to meet him for breakfast close to his new apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I trailed my way down the street, and saw his tall figure, standing, looking up at the sky, in front of the cafe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey?” It came out more as a question. “What’s up?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head slowly came down and he smirked at me and sent me a wink. “Exactly.” He chuckled “I was actually just looking at the blueness of the sky. It’s December— almost Christmas and it’s… really blue.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A small smile grew on my lips. “That’s true. It is kinda blue for mid december.” I tutored my head back to see the sky and then looked back at him. “Are you ready?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked back down and gave me a smile, “Yeah. Let’s go.” His arm lifted to wrap around my shoulder and he kissed the top of my head as we walked into the restaurant. The quaint little cafe was littered with people and cute little mismatched chairs and tables had been scattered around the room. We made our way to our favorite seat over by the pay window.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How’s your new apartment? When I saw it earlier this week it was pretty empty.” I looked over at him while we sat down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled. “It’s good. I’ve missed you though. It’s been weird not being around you as much. But my shifts at the museum have been crazy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My grin widened. I was so proud of him. Carter was a manager at the art history museum. He had gone to San Diego for grad school and he got his dream job back home in Seattle after he finished. “Carter I’m so happy for you. That’s literally the greatest job.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know! I’m loving it too. So it’s like hand in hand. My dream job </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> I love it. Even after almost a month. So that’s always a good sign.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>About that time the waitress walked up and we placed our orders for food and then he turned back to look at me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So how about you? Feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.” And suddenly, I saw his smile twitch as he said it. Usually about this time he would have leaned forward and grabbed onto the top of my hand that I had placed on the table. But he didn’t...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And it dawned on me then. Yes, Carter had been moving and busy with work but… he had been avoiding me. My body tensed and I felt my smile drop little by little. “You want to talk.” It wasn’t a question. I was stating it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I just knew. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His strained smile dropped and turned into a grim, nervous look. Carter was easy to read. Every little tick of his face told me exactly what he was thinking. I just knew. Ben was impossible to read. His face usually wore a blank cold stare in every situation. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I liked that about Carter</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  <em>
    <span>  I always knew where I stood. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to pressure you, Rey. But I have to know.” He looked pained. “It’s driving me crazy. Not knowing where we are right now or how you feel. I didn’t want to pressure you that evening because… he had just gotten married and I— I didn’t know what to say.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carter… I—“ he looked like a kicked puppy and guilt swarmed in me. I wondered if I would ever really get away from it. “I’m so sorry Carter. You shouldn’t have to go through all this. I—“ I cut myself off and bit my lip, not really sure what to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So is there something going on between the two of you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No! No definitely not. He’s with Paige. And I’m with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His shoulders loosened. “Okay… was there something going on? Because I saw you that night, at the restaurant, when he came to visit— and I kinda just thought that maybe you two were just good friends or he liked you or something but I couldn’t get over the way you looked at him. And honestly… that— that is why I started getting so nervous about you not being able to say you love me back. I didn’t think you loved him at the time but I definitely realized you were a lot closer to loving him than me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked completely exasperated, like he had given absolutely everything he had to say those words. I rolled my lips, “Carter… that door is closed. There might have been some feelings on my part but that’s done now. He’s married to her and I’m with you. He never had anything to do with… us. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He</span>
  </em>
  <span> is outside of our relationship.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t change the fact that you cared for him.” He pulled his lips in, in thought. “I finally knew how much and realized that it was actual feelings when I came back to Seattle. You were fighting with him that night at the fair and the dots started to connect. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>fight with people, Rey. You and I have </span>
  <em>
    <span>never </span>
  </em>
  <span>had a fight. Even when we broke up you just looked shocked and hurt but we never fought. Don’t you think that's weird? That </span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> the only person you fight with?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I don’t really think it’s weird because </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> starts the fights.Every single time.” I shook my head, “And you and I have fought before. So that’s not fair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. We haven’t.” He shook his head at me. “This is probably the closest we’ve ever come to fighting. But you </span>
  <em>
    <span>fight </span>
  </em>
  <span>with him. And I just… need to know.” He looked nervous and I surged forward to grab his hand to comfort him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carter. I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> with Ben. That will never happen. Things are different now…and it doesn’t really matter because I want to be with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked me over, contemplating and I grew anxious as I waited for what he would say next. “Do you love him?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pulled back like he burned me. My mind stumbled to find what to say. I couldn’t say yes. Because it would break him. And I couldn’t bear that. But I couldn’t lie to him. I didn’t want to lie to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But what could I </span>
  <em>
    <span>possibly</span>
  </em>
  <span> say to that? I didn’t know my own feelings on Ben yet. It had been one week since the wedding and I had no idea how to completely sever every tie I had to him. I didn’t even know where to start. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I inhaled a shaky breath, “I… don’t want to.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face didn’t change. He just stared at me. I tried not to grow uncomfortable under his gaze.All I could think was that I so desperately didn’t want to hurt him. “Do you love me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>say it. I tried to force myself to say those words that he desperately wanted to hear from me but I just… couldn’t. The guilt in my stomach grew and consumed me.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I saw a resigned look cover his face and he looked away from me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carter…” </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Rey— I’m sorry, but you don’t get to do this again. I was there for you last Friday because I could tell you were hurting but it’s time now for me to face the facts.” He looked back at me with a pained look. “You don’t love me. You will </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> love me. So I gotta let you go.” His voice cracked at the end and my heart broke in two. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carter no, that’s not true I do— I love—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He cut me off with a furious look, “Rey, what the fuck?” He nearly shouted. “No. No. You can’t do this. You can’t say it to me now. You don’t love me. You don’t. And that’s fucked up of you to even try and say that shit to me right now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breath quickened, “But I do love you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He studied me for a few more seconds, “But you’re not in love with me. And I can’t sit around for my heart to get broken any more, Rey. I just can’t.” He stood up and walked out of the restaurant. I frantically grabbed for my purse and laid the first bill I found down on the table and ran after him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carter! Carter please.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He spun around with a distraught look. “No, Rey. Let me go. Please.” He took my hands in his. “I love you so much and this is </span>
  <em>
    <span>killing </span>
  </em>
  <span>me. I can’t wait for you to love me the way I love you. So </span>
  <em>
    <span>please.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Let me go.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stared at him, searching myself for the courage to do what he just said. I couldn’t lose Carter. He was my best friend. Had been for so long and these few months that he had been back and in my life had been incredible. I didn’t want to lose him. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>lose him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I also didn’t want to hurt him anymore than I already had. When I looked at his face I saw every bit of pain and torture that my own self had been through, times 10. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had to stop. I just didn’t know how. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I— don’t… want to lose you.” Tears rolled down my face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you can’t keep me just because of that. That’s not fair to me.” His voice was soft. His eyes were filled with tears as well and I was struggling just to breathe. “I can be there for you as a friend maybe. But it’s time for me to move on with my life. And find someone who can love me the way I love them.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was right, I knew he was right but that didn’t make it hurt any less. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be your friend. I’ll always be here for you. Just… give me some time.” His voice was hoarse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded slowly, after a whole minute of me trying to process what he was saying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This was over</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” I whispered. Afraid of letting go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stared at me for a while. The people walking around us on the street ignoring us completely. We were in our own little bubble. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But eventually that bubble popped. Carter pulled back from me and released my hands. And our moment was gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Goodbye, Rey.” He murmured before he turned and left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood there shell shocked for the 2nd time that week. The life I had known and been sure of had just crumbled beneath my feet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I mindlessly made my way back to my apartment, feeling the emptiness of the situation finally take over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Carter was gone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I got home… I felt lost. I knew it was the right thing. That I couldn’t be with Carter forever if I still had lingering feelings for Ben. But I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be with Carter. I planned on being with Carter. And maybe that was selfish of my to always keep him at arm's length but just close enough to keep him with me— according to my plan. But I didn’t want it to be over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sat in the bay window of my house, and watched the Seattle rain. The day passed by me and I held the same pen in my hand and paper in my lap, hours after I had sat down, with nothing– </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing </span>
  </em>
  <span>to put on the paper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My phone rang beside me and I finally looked away from the window to glance at the name. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben Solo</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I froze for a second, contemplating whether or not I should take the call before I picked up the phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello?” My voice sounded hoarse, and groggy. Like I hadn’t spoken in days or something. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey? What’s wrong?” My heart swelled at his tone and his voice. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I had missed him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But at his question tears grew in my eyes again and I bit my lip to try and keep the sob that tried to wrack my chest. “Rey?” I could hear rustling coming from the other line. “I can tell something is wrong. Please talk to me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took in a shaky breath. “Carter left. He– he said that he realized I could never love him the way he loves me and he– he… left me.” I knew I sounded so pathetic and broken but I didn’t know how to stop at the moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I heard Ben let out a sigh, “Rey, I’m… so sorry.” His soft and comforting voice that could usually ease my worries was only making the hole in my chest bigger. “Why now? He’s known that shit for a long time and now he wants to pull this?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sniffed, “After you left the wedding he told me that he knew that I cared for you. And that he saw us dancing or something at the restaurant in Bellingham when you came to visit. And— and then he like avoided me all week. And this morning when we met for breakfast I just </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I knew it was it. And he asked me if I loved him and I—“ my body wracked with another sob. I was babbling, not really sure of how much sense I was making but this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And I just needed him to help me and tell me what to do. “I just </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t fucking say it.</span>
  </em>
  <span> So he left.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quiet on the other side of the line for a few minutes. “Did he do that because of me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. He— asked me… how I felt about him— if I loved him. And I couldn’t lie about that. I just couldn’t. But– but he knows how it feels for me to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>left</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And I know I’m a complete bitch for not being able to love him like he loves me or for getting back with him when I knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>then</span>
  </em>
  <span> that I couldn’t. But I just can’t believe he left. And that sounds </span>
  <em>
    <span>so fucking selfish</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, sometimes it’s okay to be selfish.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sniffed again, my crying slowing to a crawl, “You said I was selfish once.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He huffed out a laugh, “I was pissed. And lashing out. You’re not selfish, Rey. You could actually stand to be more selfish sometimes. Be selfish enough to want consuming love. Be selfish enough to go find and fight for that love. And don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. Carter leaving right now is a dick move but it’s something you should have been selfish enough to do a while ago. You knew you weren’t in love with him but you thought that you would never deserve an epic love with someone like other people have.” He paused, “That seems to be a going thing for you. But the truth is Rey… you deserve epic and passionate love maybe even more than other people because of the shit you’ve gone through. Not less. Your dad was a bastard and he fucked up. But he didn’t leave to go snort cocaine because you weren’t worthy of him or his love or time or attention. He left because he’s an asshole who cared only about his next heroine fix and his whore wife.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took a breath and his voice turned tender again, “I’m sorry he left you. And I’m sorry Carter left too. But you have to start wanting more for yourself. Want it enough to fight for it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my lips between my teeth. “Okay,” my voice was raspy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Want me to go kick Carter’s ass?” I could hear the smile in his voice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. He’s probably even more torn up about this than me. He said he wants to be friends later but he just needs time right now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben hummed through the line in sarcastic agreement. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Great</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You’re gonna stay friends with the asshole who made you cry like this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laughed, “I stayed friends with you didn’t I?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because you can’t get rid of me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A smile pulled at my lips, “How’s the honeymoon?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s great! We’ve been trying to hike and stuff but… some of it isn’t going as planned so…” he sighed. “That’s unfortunate but we’ve made due.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So why did you call? I’m assuming you didn’t telepathically know that Carter and I had broken up.” I joked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Actually I was just calling to check on you. I meant to do it earlier but things just got crazy.” I heard more motion in the background and he went quiet for a moment. “I didn’t really get to talk to you at the wedding…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He wanted to make sure I was okay with everything after the wedding</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Yeah. I’m good. Or— I was good. Right now is not a good reflection of how I am. But I’m fine.” It was mostly true. “Thank you for checking on me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s what friends are for, right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Friends. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you free Sunday morning for our usual?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I hesitated. “Uhh… Yeah. I think so.” I wasn't really sure if I should. He was married now and I didn’t know what lines there were for our friendship at this point. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Then I’ll see you then?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded. “Yeah. I’ll see you then.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the line ended, I felt the most clear headed I had all day. I placed the phone down and then turned back to the cardboard cover notebook in my lap and wrote. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the first time in a really long time, when I started writing… I didn’t stop. The words flowed out of me like blood and I felt inspiration in everything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And I didn’t stop writing until the next morning, when the sun came up and I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wow. Another doozy. But maybe possibly this is where our girl Rey starts to work her life in a different direction. 👀 </p><p>Lol probably not but we can hope, right?</p><p>What did you guys think of the break up?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I struggled with this chapter. I feel like it’s choppy and no matter how much I tried to get it better... it kinda just stayed this way 🤷🏼♀️ </p><p>Maybe it’s just me being extra hard on myself. Either way... I posted this earlier to get it out of the way so I couldn’t just edit and edit and edit and move ON! </p><p>Anyways...</p><p>Even if I didn’t... I hope you enjoy it! </p><p>It’s actually kinda... nice??? And happy???</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Christmas Eve morning came and I was already at the Stansil house by 8:30 in the morning. Cathrine in all her grandeur always threw large Christmas Eve parties that somehow I always got roped into baking for. And every year they always got bigger and bigger with more desserts required each one. Rose, Paige and Ben were already running around getting everything decorated and the band setup and Cathrine was directing as much as she could in between her own cooking and baking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben and Paige had gotten back 1 week before and nearly as soon as they were off the plane the Christmas preparations began.</span>
  <em>
    <span> Especially</span>
  </em>
  <span> Cathrine’s Christmas Eve party. The house was dressed in lights on the outside and decorated like the plaza during Christmas time on the inside and regardless of how, every year, Cathrine always made it bigger and brighter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben can you please come help me grab something from the top cabinet please.” Cathrine shouted from the other side of the island. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a few seconds Ben made his way into the kitchen, “What do you need?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh! There you are, Ben. You’re kinda tall so would you mind grabbing the all spice for me from the cabinets to the left of Rey over there? I would ask Rey but she would actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>climb</span>
  </em>
  <span> on the countertops like I didn’t raise her to be a lady.” Her voice was playful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes and shook my head but the small smirk that pulled at my lips gave me away. “Cathrine, just because I didn’t get your amazing elegant genes or Ben’s freakishly tall ones doesn’t mean that my monkey genes don’t serve their purpose from time to time.” I winked at Ben as he approached with a playful grin on his face as well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your monkey genes were supposed to be squelched by all the years of dance and debutant training.” She sighed dramatically for effect, “You can lead the horse to water but you can’t force them to drink.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned back to look at her, “Hey! Who’s making 250 hundred little puff pastries for you right now?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben set the all spice down in front of me on the island and sent her a look, “She’s got a point, Cathrine. If Rey decides to walk out because you’re insulting her, it won’t be me who makes your puff pastries.” He popped one of the finished pastries in his mouth, “I go where the dessert goes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine lifted her eyebrow up at us, “Ben, go find your wife and finish helping her if you’re not even going to side with me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed as she swatted at him with her towel on his way out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After he was gone, she broke the silence. “I'm happy you two are friends.” She smiled, “You need each other.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up at her and away from the dough I had in my hand. “Why do you say that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well he was your first friend when you moved back. You guys ebbed and flowed but it was always like you connected so deeply over writing that… you just understood each other. I know it’s weird with everything that’s happened in the past year… but..” she smirked and shrugged, “I don’t know. I just think you’re good friends. And neither of you have too many of those but it’s pretty amazing that you get to be that for each other.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled briefly and continued my ministrations with the dough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry about everything with Carter though. How are you holding up? We haven’t gotten to talk about it too much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well… I’m okay actually. It was hard at first just because… I trusted him so much not to leave, and I don’t know why but it just felt like he was leaving. But then I started writing and really actually creating something for the first time in a while. And now I think he was right.” I turned back to the oven. “I was never going to love him the way he loved me; no matter how much I wanted to.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>And I really thought I wanted to</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “And it hurt for him to go just because of how close he was to my heart, but it was the right thing for him to do. To leave I mean. So I’m gonna move on with my life.” I flicked the dough, “Actually start fresh with relationships and not just keep going back to something that feels familiar. And start with passion and love, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span>… comfort. And I’m finally starting to believe I deserve that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sent me a proud look, “You do. You really really do. And I am so happy to be your mom.” She rounded the island and gave me a hug, trying to keep her floured hands off of my clothes. “You are so special to me, you know that?” She murmured while we hugged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I huffed a laugh, “Yeah I know that. And you’re special to me.” I pulled back to look at her. “Thank you, by the way, for always being there for me. It was hard after everything that happened with my father to go into a new home and accept your love and care. I wasn’t used to it. But you gave it to me anyways.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled, “Of course I did. You are every bit my child in every way that counts.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears threatened to pick at my eyes. “Okay, lets go.” I pulled away to start molding the dough in my hand again, trying to suppress the sting in my eyes, “We’ve only got like 8 half hours and at least 10 hours worth of work so we better get back to it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After that it was full speed ahead. We baked for 6 more hours before we finally took a break and I ran home to change clothes and then got back just in time for the party. When I pulled up again there were already cars in the driveway indicating to me that people had arrived early and the party was already in full swing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine’s Christmas Eve parties always consisted of semi formal or cocktail attire with most of the guys in suits but no tie and most of the girls in various lengths of holiday dresses. The small red velvet dress I wore hugged me tightly and the heels were a little high, but after almost 2 weeks of being in my apartment writing day in and day out, It was nice to dress up for a change. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I walked up the stairs outside the house and then slipped through the door. I was immediately met with the sound of the band that was already playing in the back of the house and the chatter of people scattered around the entryway and living room. When I walked in I saw Ben standing with his back towards the front door and walked up to stand next to him. His focus was observant of the room and on hand was stuffed deep in his pocket. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over at me, “Hey… You see this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh you mean how people start showing up a half an hour early or how the guest list grows every year?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He titled his head, “Both.” He held out the champagne glass that he had in his other hand to me and I plucked it from his fingers and took a sip. “You look nice. Don’t think I’ve seen you in anything but sweats since I got back from Hawaii.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because you haven’t seen me at work.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been working from home.” He deadpanned, and I spun towards him shocked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did you know that?” I gaped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smirked and quirked an eyebrow, “Because I know everything.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Was Cathrine making you spy on me because she thought I was depressed or something? I’m not depressed about Carter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” He rolled his eyes. “I stopped by to check on you at work on Monday after our Sunday brunch when you looked like you hadn’t showered in a couple days only to find you weren't there.” His voice was suspicious, “So I called you and you acted like you were at the office so I just held this information until it became useful. Like right now. When I caught you lying.” He turned away from me lazily and grabbed the champagne glass back from my hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I threw him a dirty look, prepared to argue more when Paige approached with a smile. “Hey Rey, You look so good in that dress. I love it on you. Can you believe how many people are here already, though? And Cathrine said we’re still missing some.” She looked around in awe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cathrine always finds a way to invite more people every year. I don’t even know how she knows most of them.” I added. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Paige walked up beside Ben and wrapped her arm around his waist, in a way that just showed their comfortability with each other. And although my friendship with Ben had grown, it still felt like a stab to see their closeness at times. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I averted my eyes quickly, “I think I’m going to go get something to drink.” I excused myself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I walked up to the bar that held large trays of champagne and grabbed one. Before I even took a step I tossed it back and then set it back down to reach for another. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Woah, it’s a Christmas Eve party. You might want to slow up. This isn’t New Year’s Eve.” I turned my head to see the owner of the deep voice that goaded me. The man next to me was a drop dead gorgeous, smirking bastard (or so I assumed). He had dark brown hair cut short, with darker olive mocha skin and he stood a good 6 inches taller than me. But his eyes were brown and golden in a way that didn’t even seem real. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I appraised him with a once over and shrugged. “And who made the rules that I can’t get drunk on Christmas Eve?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, absolutely no one. But the hosts of the party might be pretty pissed if you puke all over their pretty furniture.” He looked to smug for his own good. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So what you’re saying is—“ I took a sip. “I can drink as much as I want as long as I don’t throw up on the furniture.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That or your dress.” He looked down at it and then back up again, “it looks far too good on you to ruin.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes, “I’ll remember to ask your permission to drink the next time I have a holiday. See if it’s alright.” My voice sounded unimpressed and sarcastic but he just grinned. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Alexander.” He stuck his hand out for me to shake but I glanced at it and gave him a look but slipped my hand in his. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nice to meet you, Rey.” He flashed me another flirty smile that caused me to roll my eyes and pull away. I started to walk away and he followed alongside me, “I find it funny that the party wasn’t even supposed to start until 5 minutes ago and there’s like 100 people here already.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His words made me stop and I turned towards him after I took a sip of my drink, “And how are you here? Somehow Cathrine always invites random people.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you think I’m one of those random invites? Do you think you know </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone </span>
  </em>
  <span>that Cathrine Stansil knows?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned, “Well you don’t know me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I narrowed my eyes at him, “And you are?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alexander,” his eyebrows raised, “I’m pretty sure we just went over that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I fought the smile that tried to work it’s way onto my face. “And how do you know Cathrine?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m looking to make her my lawyer. I’ve been trying to get her for a while now, actually.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you break the law?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips twitched, “Is that a racist joke?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I bit my lip through a smile and I shook my head in disbelief. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just kidding. No— uh I started a company and I’m looking to have a lawyer on retainer.” He placed his hands in his pockets. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah. So it’s your company you think is going to break the law.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Surprisingly enough, I’m doing it as a precautionary measure. My business can get ugly fast.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded in understanding. “So she hasn’t agreed to be your lawyer yet? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>About that time I felt a hand on my back and I turned to look who was behind me, and whose hand had touched me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Cathrine wants us in the parlor to dance.” Ben said and he inclined his head in the direction of the parlor where the jazz band was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a nod and then turned back to Alexander. “I’m being summoned.” I sent him a regretful smile and left to follow Ben. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I have the first dance?” He called after me. I turned back to look at him, “Unless of course it’s already spoken for.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled again, “Are you sure you can dance?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took a few steps to catch up to where Ben and I had stopped. I looked over briefly to see what Ben was doing, but all I saw was him looking at Alexander with a blank stare. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m a fantastic dancer, actually.” He walked with us towards the parlor where Cathrine’s favorite Christmas song played. She always made the family dance at the beginning of the party to convince others to want to dance as well throughout the night and just break the ice. And the band she hired was always top tier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I guess this means you’re related to Cathrine?” Alexander questioned once we made our way to the dance floor and started to come together to dance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What makes you think that?” The hand that I had on his shoulder curled around it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged but continued to transfer his weight back and forth to the tune of the band’s rendition of I’ll Be Home For Christmas. “Well since she summoned you and it looks like only family out here… that leads me to believe you’re family. But you’re not black so…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laughed, “No. They are my family but— not by blood. Cathrine and Tom started fostering me when I was 13 and they became my parents.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked surprised, “Wow, I didn’t know Cathrine and Tom were foster parents. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well she’s just kind of your lawyer. Why would you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Touché” The hand he had on my back moved across the back of my rib cage to the other side and he pulled me a little closer, sending goosebumps down my body. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alexander was fucking hot</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Well then we may need to get to know each other better.” His breath blew across my face and I suppressed the shiver that tried to work its way down my back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm, why is that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His smirk was down right devilish, “We might be spending a lot more time together if she becomes my lawyer. And just in case, we want to be sure and get along.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I bit the inside of my lip, “I doubt I’ll see you again after this. Maybe next year's Christmas Eve party.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He spun me out a little and then when he brought me back in, he pulled me back, hard into his chest. “That’s a shame.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We had stopped dancing and the space between our bodies had closed. The arm around my back held me tightly and his eyes inspected my face. Just a couple breaths of air between us. His lips were right there, and just for the briefest of moments, I wanted to close that distance, and release the tension. The song stopped, and it was like the transe was broken after that and I pulled back from him and looked away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I caught Ben’s penetrating gaze from across the room. His face was blank but his eyes were alert and questioning. The new song started and although there were other couples dancing now on the floor, the rest of my family had meandered their way onto something else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me.” I said absentmindedly to Alexander as I stepped away even further and navigated through the crowd towards the food table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I grabbed a plate and began to fill it up when I noticed Ben lined up across from me. I looked up at him but his focus was on the food and the plate in his hand. A few seconds later when I realized he wasn’t going to look up at me, I went back to serving myself. The silence drew on and even with every fleeting glance I sent him, he kept his head and eyes down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everything okay?” Alexander’s voice startled me from behind and I turned towards him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah! I’m fine. Just felt a little light headed and realized I hadn’t eaten all day.” I turned back toward the food buffet and saw Ben finally look up at me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you’ve already had 3 glasses of champagne?” Alexander said mockingly, but I was focused on Ben’s eyes, and the way they drifted from Alexander and back to me coldly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned my attention back to Alexander. “Are you attempting to make another comment about me throwing up on my dress or the furniture?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not at all. I’m actually attempting to make a comment about that’s probably why you were light headed.” His mouth twitched. When I turned back to look for Ben, he was gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A law breaker and a genius. No wonder you need Cathrine’s help. ” I clicked my tongue. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about my help?” Cathrine approaches us from behind. “Alexander! I see you’ve met my daughter Rey.” A smile stretched across her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have, and it seems she is just as stubborn as you are.” He winked at me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A laugh peeled out of her, “Yeah that’s definitely true.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alexander turned towards me slightly, “Rey, I keep trying to convince your mother to work for me on retainer but she keeps refusing me.” He crossed his arms and the dress coat he was wearing bulged with the thickness of his arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t refused you. I’m just not sure I want the job. But I’ve given you plenty of other wonderful recommendations.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrow cocked up in amusement, “But I’ve already made up my mind. I’m just waiting for you to change yours.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She laughed again at his determination and then turned her attention to me, “Rey, I don’t think you’ve eaten today. You need to get something, please.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I lifted up the plate in my hand, “That’s exactly what I’m doing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good.” Then she turned back to Alexander, “Alex if you would, please make sure my daughter eats. She tends to pick at her food.” And with that walked away and to her next guests to go shmooze with for the evening. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I narrowed my eyes at her retreating back and then moved them over to Alexander. “And what is it you do again?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His grin broadened, “I’m a business owner. And you? Are you a lawyer as well? I’m actually looking for one of those…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> a lawyer. I’m actually an editor.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrows shot up, “A book editor?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a look, “Is that surprising to you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head but pulled his lips together in a look I would consider a surprised look. “No, no. Just usually people aren’t too interested in books. Much less spending their time editing them. And— I kind of had you as a more the lawyer or doctor type.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyebrows scrunched together in confusion as I popped a grape from my plate into my mouth. “I give off the lawyer/ doctor vibe?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged, “My third option was bartender with the way you drink and all. But I decided to keep that one to myself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was funny, I’d give him that. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I pursed my lips and shook my head. “Well, It was nice to meet you.” I told him with a smile before I walked off in the general direction of where I heard the crowd congregating. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You as well.” I heard him say faintly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sought out Ben, Paige and Rose over the crowd and when I finally spotted them I weaved my way until I got to the round table they sat at. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sat down on the other side of Ben and they all glanced up at me. “Hey guys.” I met all their eyes with a smile until I got to Ben’s which clashed with mine for a moment before they averted back to the parmigiana chicken on his plate. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, We were just talking about you. Who was that man that you were dancing with? He was fucking hot.” Rose whispered urgently and then she fanned herself for effect. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Um, that was Alexander.” I shrugged, “I’ve never met him before. And Rose you have a boyfriend. Where is Finn anyways?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before she could answer she was cut off, “He </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>hot.” Paige added. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced over at Ben to gauge his reaction but his eyes stayed glued to his plate as he tried to shove the remainder of his food into his mouth. “Then you both can date him.” I sent them a pointed look as I started to eat my food. And out of the corner of my eye, I saw a smirk form on Ben’s face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A couple hours later I stood  sipping rosé and leaning lazily against the bar. The party was busy with chatter and even some dancing couples in the back. Cathrine’s parties were always epic. And didn’t end until well after midnight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I saw a figure approach in my peripheral and lean up beside me. It didn’t take much for me to know it was Ben. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>just knew.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Even the way he walked or took a drink was a dead give away for me. I wondered if that would ever stop. He didn’t say anything. He just stood there, watching everyone with me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Across the room, Alexander was talking and laughing with a few other businessmen looking types that I didn’t recognize. He looked like he was telling a story or something with the way his face was lit up and his eyes were wide as he spoke and his hands moved around in motions and gestures. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who is he?” I turned to look at Ben who had caught the same movement across the room that I had and had his eyes trained on Alexander. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrugged and turned back to look at Alex with a sip on my drink. “Like I said earlier, I don’t know. He came up to me when I was getting a drink earlier and then we spoke for a bit.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And danced.” He added smartly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t help my eye roll. “Yes. And danced.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But, I meant who </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> he? Why is he here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s been trying to get Cathrine to be his lawyer or something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That seemed to pique his interest and he turned to look at me with a confused look, “Lawyer?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head bobbed in a nod. “He has a company or something.” At that moment Alexander’s eyes flicked up and met mine. When he saw that I was looking at him his all too charismatic smile turned even brighter. “He’s a business owner of some sorts. I don’t really know what it is. But he was trying to have Cathrine on retainer I guess. She says she doesn’t want to do it.” Alexander turned back to his conversation but every little bit his eyes would lift up to meet mine again, briefly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You seem to like him.” Ben said, his level gaze still searching my features. I finally broke my focus on Alexander and met Ben’s waiting eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrugged at him, “He’s funny.” His face remained impassive. “I’m not looking to date right now, if that’s what you mean. I think I need some time— space. Carter’s gone,” </span>
  <em>
    <span>and you’re married, </span>
  </em>
  <span>“it’s time to give myself some time to find myself.” I took another sip. “Write a book.” He studied me and then nodded. “Plus, he’s not my type.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what is your type?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked over at him. His white button down was all that was left on top since he had discarded his jacket halfway through the night. And his disheveled hair looked like he had run his fingers through it multiple times throughout the evening. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I almost said, but instead I bit the inside of my lip to suppress the urge. Finally, I peeled my gaze away from him. “I usually go for less cheeky, funny, player guy—more down to earth, artist, who just wants to surf.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let out a brief chuckle and turned to me with a smirk. He opened his mouth to say something before his face dropped the smirk and he stopped himself mid breath. His eyes dropped to the ground and my heart picked up a little bit in thought of what he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>going to say. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s married. He’s married. He’s married. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well you’ve only had like 2 relationships. Just because they were blonde and beach-y doesn’t mean that’s your type.” He looked back up at me with a blank face again…</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>...And I was starting to feel weary of it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” I replied lamely. “Well, in case I don’t see you tomorrow… Merry Christmas.” I said. And started to leave. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait, why wouldn’t you see me?” He asked. His face stayed the same and I felt annoyance curl up my spine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a questioning look, “I thought that you go to your parents in Tacoma for lunch and then here for dinner. And I might go home for dinner, let you and Paige have your time with Cathrine and Tom.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” He seemed to be searching my face again, “Well you can come to dinner. We’re... friends— family.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Family. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a quick smile and a nod. My eyes lingered on him for one second longer than necessary and then I turned and went up to the room that Cathrine always held for me where I curled up with my notebook until I couldn’t keep my eyes open or a pin in my hand anymore. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Merry Christmas!!! Even though it’s May!!!! </p><p>Also... get ready for a small time jump. Not too large but it’s like... a month and a half. </p><p>That will probably be post on Sunday... so keep your eyes peeled for it. </p><p>And also.. if you read my other WIPs... I’m going to update Ocean later this week too I think!! And if you haven’t read ocean or any other of my works... you should ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A LOT to unpack. So keep your eyes peeled... 👀</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The knocking wouldn’t stop, like a repetitive bounce on my door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit,” I mumbled at the bacon grease that popped up and burnt my hand. “I’m coming! Jesus fuck.” I shouted and grabbed the nearest towel to wipe off my hands. I flung the door open with a glare, “What the hell? Why do you have to knock like that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On the other side of the door stood an amused looking Ben Solo. “When I said I wasn’t going to use the spare key anymore it was a promise. And when I make a promise I keep it.” He sounded all too smug and I couldn’t help my eye roll.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re so fucking annoying sometimes.” I turned around and headed back towards the kitchen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I see you’re all happy and ready for your interview today.” I didn’t even bother to turn around and glare at him. “You seem tense. You nervous?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I let out a loud sigh, “Yeah, I’m nervous. This is my first book. And I </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> finished it. And I’m going to talk to a fucking publisher. So yeah, I’m pretty nervous.” I look up at him with an uneasy smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips pursed, “Rey— you’re an amazing writer. And your book is… incredible. You’re going to do great and they’re going to publish you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a skeptical look, “You’re just saying that because you’re being nice.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Since when have you ever known me to be nice?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My grin lightened to a more genuine smile, “True. But you helped me move in one time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He waved his hand in gesture, “I was trying to win you over.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart skipped a beat at his words before he continued on, “I was trying to be your friend.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I started picking the bacon off of the skillet and putting it on the plate, “Well that’s kind of nice of you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no. It was purely selfish reasoning.” He laughed slightly and then leaned on the counter. “My point is, I’ve read your book… and it’s beyond good. You should feel secure about that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded at him, and looked down as I cracked eggs into the pan. “Thanks…” I flipped them and avoided eye contact with him as much as possible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait— what’s wrong? It’s something else.” He rounded the island quickly. “Rey… talk to me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was searching me—my face. Everything about him was on alert. His hands found my forearms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My father called Cathrine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His grip tightened a little, “What the fuck?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My father called Cathrine.” I repeated. My breathing picked up heavily. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He told her that he wants to see me. That he’s sober and he— misses me.” My voice trembled as I got to the last few words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He dropped his hands as his face turned livid, “Why the fuck would Cathrine tell you that? And then why wouldn’t she tell me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He— he— wants to come back and just… be back and like…” there were no tears, I had none left for the man that was my father for half of my life. But it was like lead going through my veins and I felt the searing sense in my throat of panic slide down like butter. My breath was erratic and my jaw trembled. The walls of the apartment felt tight and the air felt hot. And nothing— </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span> felt right. </span>
  <em>
    <span>My father wanted to see me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben’s quick hands circled my rib cage quickly and he pulled me close to him. It looked like a hug but that wasn't really what it was. It was more of a safety jacket, he squeezed me fairly tightly, one palm on the top of my back and one palm cradling my head. He didn’t shush me… he didn’t rock me like a baby… he just stood there— helping me feel grounded, and holding me until I could breathe normal again. Even then he didn’t let me go right away. He waited until I pulled my hands from the balled fists that they had clenched in, and placed my hand on his back to resemble more of a hug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled back slowly after a few moments. “You decide your own fate. You decide what you do and what you say. I can’t tell you how to handle this because I never have— I’ve never been through this. But I can tell you…” his voice was soft, gentle. Almost a whisper. “That what I see and what I know about you is worth more than the way he treated you. You got lucky with Cathrine and Tom. You happened to get the most amazing foster parents who legally fought for you to be theirs in every way. Not everyone ends up with good foster parents. But for him to put you in that position at 11 years old, when he left because he found something he cared about more is unacceptable. You don’t have to accept that. You are </span>
  <em>
    <span>more</span>
  </em>
  <span> than that. You are not your father's daughter. You are strong, and determined and driven.” His hand came up to cup the side of my face. “That girl he knew is not who you are anymore. That was 11 years ago. You don’t have to give him the time of day if you don’t want to.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His words wrecked me. Because as a person, you think that the things you experience in life fade away for people as time passes. But for you it’s always constant and hard and something that you struggle with. But Ben… noticed. He noticed me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He can’t leave you again. He can’t hurt you </span>
  <em>
    <span>again</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He can’t forget you because </span>
  <em>
    <span>you’re not </span>
  </em>
  <span>the little girl he left. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He doesn’t even know who you are.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> He was right. Henry didn’t know me. He knew who he cultivated me to be as a child but since he left Cathrine cultivated me, Tom cultivated me, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>cultivated me. The relational bond that he may have for me isn’t even </span>
  <em>
    <span>for me</span>
  </em>
  <span> anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a deep breath in, and let it out.. finally feeling clear enough to breathe, but my eyes were still locked with his. “I don’t get it...Why now?” I whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His look was penetrating as he seemed to consider his words, “Probably because it’s part of his 12 step program. To reconcile your mistakes or some bullshit.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I worked my lip, “The first few years I thought he would come back because he— he had done it before. Left for a few weeks and then would show up saying he was sorry and his girlfriend broke up with him and then he would give me some presents. And when he left the last time, I just stayed at home for a while, thinking he would come back. And then when they took me to Cathrine’s… I waited thinking he would come back. I waited for years… thinking he was finally going to come back one day like always. And then I finally moved on and Cathrine and Tom started trying to adopt me, he didn’t come back but he said </span>
  <em>
    <span>no.</span>
  </em>
  <span> And he never came to visit but he wouldn’t let them </span>
  <em>
    <span>have me</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s face was hard but his eyes got colder with every word. “And </span>
  <em>
    <span>now </span>
  </em>
  <span>he wants to come back?” I pulled back with a sniff, “What a dick move.” I turned back to the burnt eggs in my skillet and tossed them into the trash.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I started cracking new eggs into the skillet as Ben leaned against the counter beside the stovetop. “I’m fine now. Thank you, though. For earlier.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t move and I still felt his eyes on me. “You could have told me. I mean, I know you don’t have to; But I also know you don’t tell people things. I don’t want you to be alone during all of this. I’m here for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wiped at my face with my arm, “If I was going to talk to someone about it… it would be you. I just—” I shook my head, “I'm trying not to think about it.” I finally looked up tentatively, to see his eyes still on me, “I just don’t know how to… explain how I feel about it. About anything really. So I write.  After Carter and I broke up last month it’s like my only real way of getting out my emotions and understanding them is on paper.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He apprised me silently and pursed his lips in a thinking way, “Does Cathrine know about that call from junior year?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. Just you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded, “If you meet up with him or talk to him… please call me. I don’t trust him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm not going to meet up with him or talk to him,” I murmured, “I have a family. I have a life. And he chose not to be a part of either of those things a long time ago.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He finally relaxed a little at my words and walked around the island again to sit while I plated the breakfast. We ate in silence and the panic I had experienced earlier subsided. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you ready for your meeting though?” He finally broke the silence, and I looked up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m ready. Just… want to say the right things. I want this to work. This is supposed to be the new great, up and coming publishing company. I just get hopeful, you know?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think that’s normal. If you weren’t hopeful I’d be worried. But whether they go with you or not your book is still good.” He leaned down to catch my gaze. “It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>still good</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He reiterated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled but rolled my eyes playfully. “What are you even doing here anyways? Don’t you have a job or something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“School’s closed today. It’s MLK day.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took another bite of bacon, “Then shouldn’t you be with Paige?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t meet my eyes. “I wanted to check on you on your big interview day.” He shrugged, “Figured no one knew but me and you needed someone to cheer you on. And hype you up before you went.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tightening in my chest that I hadn’t felt in a while started again. “I didn’t know you remembered, honestly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He finally looked up and sent me a dirty look, “You think I would just forget that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I kinda just didn’t think you would care to remember…” I trailed off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mouth opened, and then he paused, “Rey, this was never about me not caring for you.” I just blinked at him. I had put myself out there enough over the last year, and he’d given me no answers in return so I wasn’t going to try and make sense of anything he said. “I’m here because I care.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Not enough. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look, I was shitty to you last year before you left and maybe a little bit after… but don’t you see how much I care? Even if as just a friend or an acquaintance?” I could tell he was getting a little frustrated, “I’ve been there every time you’ve needed me. I’ve given advice when it was hard but it was something you </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to hear. I drove 2 hours to Bellingham to cheer you up after Carter left. I sat with you everyday at lunch during high school even though you were a grade below me. I took time and meticulously read all your work. I’ve called you on my fucking honeymoon to make sure you were okay. I text you. I fight with you. I spend time with you… because </span>
  <em>
    <span>I care.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” He didn’t raise his voice once. But it was made more intense by the way he spoke low and articulate and— I didn’t even know what to say. “I’m not saying I’m perfect or I’ve handeled this situation well, but I think it’s pretty obvious I fucking care.” He looked away and then back at me, “And it hurts that you don’t see that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart wrapped around his words in a dangerous way. And the way his eyes held mine unwaveringly didn’t help much either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know I’ve fucked up. I didn’t handle the situation right. I’ve apologized 100 times. But please don’t mistake my poor decision making as not caring. </span>
  <em>
    <span>At least as a friend.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” I didn’t know what we were talking about anymore. I was too afraid to ask. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben you can’t say things like that to me.” I whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He closed his eyes as if he had caught his mistake and let out a harsh breath. “I know… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the wedding was a mistake I meant —“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” I cut him off with a jerky nod. “You need to stop. I can’t hear stuff like that from you and not start to feel something again.” His face crumpled and for the first time in a while I felt like I was really seeing what he felt. “You’ve been so good. I’ve been the one who pushed the envelope with the stuff we’ve talked about and you always put a stop to it. But this time I am.” I grabbed the plates from in front of us and maneuvered around the island to the sink. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re right. I’m sorry.” His voice was quiet, and so distant. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The truth was… I didn’t know he cared. I didn’t know about what he thought or his choices. He had always seemed so far out that I didn’t even realize his friendly attempts. And all my mind could think was… what else could I be missing? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a dangerous game— one that I had no business playing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He drummed his fingers on the counter top as I rinsed off the dishes. After a while the awkwardness and tension faded and we were left only with the splash of the water and his thought gaze boring into the table, “Well… I gotta go.” He stood up from the seat. “Thank you for breakfast, and for the company. Good luck today. You’re gonna kill it.” He winked and turned to leave. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben?” He looked behind at me, and I gave him a light smile, “Thank you for caring. </span>
  <em>
    <span>As a friend. —</span>
  </em>
  <span>And for earlier.” His mouth lifted up in a quick smile and then he was gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The elevator seemed slow. As far as Seattle went, elevators were kind of standard. I was nervous and my hands that were clasped in front of me were clammy. I didn’t know what to do. My thoughts were running a thousand miles a minute and I was more nervous than I had been in my entire life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time the elevator reached my level I had to nearly force my legs to move from the spot that they had locked in. I slowly walked through and was met with a room full of plants and walls covered in white and textured wallpaper. It was the weirdest place I had ever seen. The seats looked deep and comfy and large bookcases lining the open spaces on the wall. “Ms. Stansil?” Some quirky redhead girl greeted, catching me slightly off guard. “Are you Ms. Stansil?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” I tried to give her a bright smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, great! Your meeting is right through here.” She waved for me to follow her. The large oak doors completed the aesthetic of the room, and she pushed the door open and pointed inside. “You’re right in here. And um, He should be in with you in like, just a second.” He smiled again and waved before she left like we were old friends. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned to look out the window of the half board room half lounge room I found myself in, but just for a second before I heard a weird sound and turned to look for the source. There standing in front of me in the doorway was Alexander, and for a moment, my heart skipped a beat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alexander?” He stood with the same huge charming smile I remembered from when we had met a month before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey. I was hoping it would be you.” He walked up and stuck his hand out and I tentatively took it, still feeling a little shocked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed, “When I saw that my 4 o’clock was a Rey Stansil I just hoped and assumed it was you. Even though I know your name isn’t Stansil.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mouth was still open in shock, “I’m sorry… Uh— Your business… that you were needing a lawyer for was a publishing company?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled with a nod. “Uh— yeah. People tend to get a little malicious when rejected.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This place is… insane. I’ve never seen an office like this in my whole life.” I knew in the back of my head I sounded like an amazed little kid and the guy in front of me was the guy who could possibly change my future and I was babbling about the office… but I said it anyway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let out a soft chuckle, “Yeah, stark white walls with gray accent furniture does nothing to inspire writing. So I have this place here with plants and textures to inspire the writers I partner with.” He was just as handsome as I had remembered him, but now he wore a dark blue suit that looked far too delicious on him for my comfort. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That makes… total sense actually.” I let out a breath and then look down at my fingers nervously. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you… have a book?” He gestured for me to sit across from him as he lowered himself into the seat he was closest to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… I do. Um—“ it felt weird suddenly, thinking about having Alexander read my book. I assumed his secretary read the Friday 50 pages I was required to send to get to this interview but I knew that after this he would ask for my manuscript and I was anxious to have him read it. “I didn’t really expect to know the person who was going to… read this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He quirked an eyebrow at me in confusion, “So no one you know has read your work?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, no. Someone I know has read it but only someone I really trust. No one else in my family even knows I’m here.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Only Ben</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m assuming it’s your sister’s boyfriend. That guy who you were speaking to at the Christmas party.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Um— that’s her husband. And— were you watching me?” I sounded defensive and for some reason my brain just wasn’t registering that I should </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> be talking to Alexander like this because he could possibly publish my book. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head and shrugged, “I didn't watch you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>per say</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But I saw you.” He blinked at me, “So was it him?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah— yes.  But, um. He’s a writer and my friend and—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought we were friends.” He flashed me another charming smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed breathily, “We barely know each other.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well we can change that.” He tapped the large wooden table, “Go on a date with me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What? </span>
  </em>
  <span>My heart skipped for a second. “Excuse me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled, “Go on a date with me... </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A small smile grew on my face, “Where would you even take me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well I’ve got a feeling you’re not too into surprises— so I would take you to my favorite place in all of Seattle. Top Pot donuts.” He sounded so sure and his smirk was so confident that it took me a second to process what he said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Donuts?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Why not? It’s my favorite spot in town.” He shrugged as if it made complete sense. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laughed, “I’ve actually never been to Top Pot Donuts.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gasped dramatically, “And you’re a Seattle native? I don’t believe it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well— not exactly. My dad and I lived in Oregon, that’s kinda of where I was born, I think.” I slowly sobered as I spoke. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. I didn’t know that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrugged. “How would you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another smile slowly grew on his face, “So is that a yes to the date?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pursed my lips, “Well… I don’t know. You’re supposed to be publishing my book. Wouldn’t that be kind of inappropriate?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh no absolutely not! I liked you before I even read your book.” He teased. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait— you’ve read my book?” I suddenly felt anxious again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah of course!” He said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” I looked down at my hands nervously, </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was great. I immediately wanted the rest. And called my assistant asking how soon we could get you in.” His fingers drummed against the table again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hope swelled in my chest again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He liked my book? </span>
  </em>
  <span> “Oh.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He noticed my hesitation. “The date would be completely unrelated.” He smiled genuinely, “I uh— wanted to ask you out at the party but you kinda blew me off twice and then you were talking with your sisters husband so I didn’t. I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>hoping</span>
  </em>
  <span> to see you again.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. My heart rate picked up and I couldn’t contain my smile any longer. I nodded repetitively. “Okay. As long as you promise not to judge my alcohol intake again.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Never.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There is so many little hints I’ve left through the book that Rey is an unreliable narrator.. and I was actually talking about it with someone this week about how we are seeing Ben and the events from HER eyes but HER eyes could be unreliable. Because she is seeing things through her bias. </p><p>We see that a lot here. Ben has been her friend and there for her in other ways but she never took notice of it because of how her eyes see the situation. </p><p> </p><p>WHERE IS THIS GOING??? SORRY I KEEP ADDING CHAPTERS TO THE CHAPTER COUNT!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! </p><p>Your comments have been great. They are so insightful and thoughtful and I treasure every single one. This chapter took a little longer than I wanted it to cause of how HARD it feels to write lately. Writers block tips or nice nuggets of encouragement would be appreciated. 🖤🖤🖤</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>If I were to name this chapter I would name it.... what the fuck just happened?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“How was your interview? Tell me everything.” The deep timbre of his voice came through the line. I picked at my sweatpants because I didn’t really know what to say. I was nervous to tell Ben about my interview and that it had been Alexander who owned the publishing company I was looking into working with. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The fact was, I didn’t know how Ben would react. I didn’t really know what really went through his head sometimes. It was a mystery to me what he thought about me or everything that happened all those months ago. I also didn’t really know where he was with those things now. He was impossible to read. He never showed emotion in his face— or at least only did so rarely that I barely remembered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh— it was good.” I cleared my throat awkwardly. My hand rubbed over my shin in almost habit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s… very vague. Does that mean it didn’t go well?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. It was… weird.” I pulled my knees to my chest as I sat in my bay window. “Alexander was there.” I breathed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alexander? The guy from the Christmas party that liked you?” His voice sounded confused. “What was he doing there?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed, “Apparently that’s his business. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>owns </span>
  </em>
  <span>the publishing company. And it’s like weird inside there. There’s a bunch of plants and everything is so casual and bohemian— the opposite of him. But yeah, he’s the owner… of the publishing company…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s… very weird.” He says thoughtfully. “And you didn’t know that before you went in?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not at all. I was… shocked, to say the least.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Freaked out was more like it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I heard some movement on the line, “So what did he say about your book?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Umm, well he said he really liked it.” I could help the smile on my face even though I knew Ben couldn’t see me. “And he has my full manuscript now. He’s going to read it and get back with me about our next steps. But he said it was good!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s great, Rey.” His voice was earnest, “I’m just…” I heard his hesitation, “A little confused about how this actually turned out to be Alexander.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, me too actually…” I trailed off, “And, uh, well he asked me out on a date as well.” I was nibbling on my lip, waiting for his response. But I was met with silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could hear his wheels turning. “Rey, isn’t that a little weird? Him possibly publishing your book but wanting to go on a date first?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I contemplated what he said but before I could respond he continued, “I know you like him— but if you would have said no to his date would he have continued to publish your book? Doesn’t that sound a little suspicious.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t even know him.” I stated defensively. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I— Rey I’m not trying to be—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why do we </span>
  <em>
    <span>always </span>
  </em>
  <span>have to fight? You’re saying that Alexander is trying to </span>
  <em>
    <span>bribe</span>
  </em>
  <span> me and you </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t even know him!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was silent for a moment, “That's not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that it looks weird from the outside and if the date doesn't go well I don’t want it to affect your book.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I ran my hand over the top of my head in frustration, “You’re completely out of line, Ben.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey—“ he sighed, “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> you like him. I know that. I just— want you to be careful. Maybe you can look for another publishing company in the meantime…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben. I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>looking for another publishing company. You’re acting completely inappropriate, not Alexander. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You are</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I do like him. And if he wants to publish me and go on a date with me that’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> choice on what I do. Not yours. You’re not in charge of me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course it’s your choice, Reylin.” He sighed again, and I could almost see him run a hand through his hair. “I’m just trying to look out of you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not your job. You have a wife.” I said coldly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He paused a moment, “I know that.” His voice was almost a whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I suppose now is where you tell me ‘as a friend’ that I shouldn’t go on this date with Alexander because he’s not ‘it’ for me? Right?” I was taunting him now. The ire inside me was growing and I wasn’t going to just let it go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quiet. “I don’t know, Reylin. I saw how you interacted with him the night you met. I can tell that this is more.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What? </span>
  </em>
  <span>“What does that even mean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I heard him inhale deeply, “Just be careful with this, okay? Your book is fantastic. And your writing is impeccable—. Let that speak on its own.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed, not really sure what to say. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What did that even mean? </span>
  </em>
  <span>My thoughts were muddled and I hoped that Ben couldn’t feel my uncertainty through the phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I gotta go, Paige has a doctor’s appointment. But I’ll see you on Saturday.” He said, and then the line went dead before I could even respond. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After the call ended I tossed my phone further across the bay window. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben was wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He was wrong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My hand reached up to run over my face and I let out the breath I had been holding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I opened the door of the donut shop slowly and squeezed my way inside. My hands were deep in the pockets of my coat and my scarf was high up on my face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey. Good morning.” Alexander’s voice startled me from my right. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning.” I sent him a small smile and then a yawn grew on my face. “Sorry. I’m— I haven’t had my coffee yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well good thing I already have our coffee then.” He held up two cups and handed one to me. He looked wide awake at even 6 in the morning, and his smile was bright and charming.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He started walking towards the closest table. “I’m surprised you were okay with breakfast. I didn’t really have you pinned as an early riser.” He commented as we sat down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a sip of the coffee and smiled, “I’m always awake pretty early. And always up pretty late.” I shrugged, “I don’t really sleep much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, well then cheers.” He held out his paper coffee cup and clinked it with mine, “Sleep is for the weak.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s you I’m surprised about. I have to be at the office by 8. Does this really count as a date if it only lasts an hour?” I sent him a questioning look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well this is just a pre date, I’m going to take you on a real one where we actually do things next. This one is just so we can get to know each other.” His grin was far too charming for his own good, and I felt my heart flutter with it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded as if it was obvious, “Oh yeah. I’m going to take you Kayaking.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tilted my head in question, “Is that some sort of metaphor?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed, “No, actually. I really enjoy Kayaking and I picked it up last year so I figured I would take you.” His eyes narrowed, “If you’re up for it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m up for it, but I’ve never been.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Perfect!” His grin was mischievous, “Then I can teach you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I opened my mouth to say something but I was interrupted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey?” A voice called from behind me and I turned to see Leia Organa standing there. She was already in her scrubs ready for her work day and she held a big box of donuts in one hand and coffee in the other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dr. Organa!” I stood up to give her a hug. “It’s good to see you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pulled back and smiled at me, “It’s good to see you too. I think it’s been since the wedding, right? Oh, also.. When I saw Ben the other day he told me you were working on getting published, and that it was really good! That’s wonderful, dear.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Heat grew on my cheeks. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben told her that?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Out of the corner of my eye I saw Alexander with his smug expression, “Oh, yeah. I am working on it. But I don’t know about all that…” I let out a nervous laugh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The truth was, Ben and I hadn’t talked since that phone call a few days before. It was radio silence. Not that we always spoke every day but it definitely </span>
  <em>
    <span>felt</span>
  </em>
  <span> less than normal. It was Friday and I would most likely see him on Saturday for brunch but I wasn’t sure where we stood after our call on Monday. And I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk to him yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alexander caught my eye again and I turned back to Leia, “I’m sorry, this is my friend Alexander.” I gestured to him and he stood to shake her hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nice to meet you. I’m Leia Organa.” Leia, ever the diplomat, sent him a warm smile and gave one tight shake before letting it go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good to meet you.” He greeted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leia turned back to talk to me again, “By the way, Cathrine invited us to brunch tomorrow. I think Han and I will be there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s great! Tom will love that! He and Ben feel out numbered at times.” I joked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh I’m sure that’s not true. Ben has his best friend and his wife there so I’m sure he’s fine.” Leia’s words stalled me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Leia thought I was Ben’s best friend?</span>
  </em>
  <span> “You two were always so chummy. I hardly think he notices how outnumbered he is.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know about that. But either way. It’ll be great to have you.” I wasn’t sure how close she and Ben were, and how much she knew about </span>
  <em>
    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and suddenly I wanted to talk about </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything </span>
  </em>
  <span>else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well I better get going! My first appointment is at 8:15. But I’ll see you tomorrow, Rey.” She turned and nodded at Alexander, “It was nice to meet you, Alexander.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You as well.” He lifted his hand in a motionless wave. And then turned his questioning gaze to me, “Was that yours sister’s boyfriend's mother?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Husband.” I corrected. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You two seem awfully close.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me and Leia?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes. “You and her boyfriend.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrugged, “He’s a good friend. Him and Paige have been together for a while.” My arms crossed in front of my chest. “And husband.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And Paige is okay with you being so close with her husband?” This time it was his head that titled in question. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to ignore the green guilt growing in me, “Yes, we were friends before they met. So we’re still very close.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded with a pinched face. “And brunch? I didn’t know people still had brunch. Maybe just my family doesn’t and I’ve been missing out all these years.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nearly leaped at his comment. He’d never mentioned his family before. “Where is your family from, by the way.” I took a long drink of my coffee. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re from Chicago. My step dad and Mom are still there, actually, but they visit occasionally.” He sent me a small half smile and reached down to take a bite of the donut that he had set before us a few minutes before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s cool. When did you move to Seattle?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Almost 6 months ago, now.” He swallowed, “I like it actually. Kinda reminds me of home in some ways and has other things that I think are better than home. For instance; Chicago just feels like a big city with no real culture. Seattle feels homey and close, even though it's a big city. And you guys go hiking on weekends or to the farmers market, because that’s just what you </span>
  <em>
    <span>do.</span>
  </em>
  <span> And I feel like you guys offer a larger variety of foods that Chicago just doesn’t have. And then of course there’s the ferries.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laughed breathily, “The ferries?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, there’s like ferries everywhere. Like there are people who ride the ferry everyday to work. I think that's both insane and incredible at the same time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess that </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>pretty interesting. I’ve lived here most of my life so,” I shrugged, “I think it's sort of normal for me now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took another bite of his donut and I did the same, “Where did you live before Seattle?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I lived in London. My dad’s american but I guess my mom was British— I never knew her, so I’m not completely sure. And my dad was always too high to want to talk about it.” I sent him a tight smile and then looked down at my hands, awkwardly. When I looked back up his face looked blank— more blank than I had ever seen it, and it caught me off guard for a second. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you moved here with your dad? And then what happened? How did you end up with the Stansils?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I let out a breath, “Like I said. He had a drug problem— always high. And he would disappear for days on end and then one day he just… didn’t come back. CPS was called and they found me and took me to live with the Stansils. Now they’re more my family than he was. I’ve been with them for like… 11 years now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face was still impassive, I didn’t know what he was thinking. Finally he broke his eye contact with me and glanced around the store. “Drugs are certainly a killer.” He said it lightly but his eyes were despondent as they appraised the room, “My family had some drug issues too at one point but that was a while back. I think we’re past that. But still, I never had to go through what you went through. I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I worried my lip slightly, suddenly thinking about my dad. After my conversation with Ben, Monday morning, I had tried to not think about Henry, about why he wanted to meet or the fact that he had waited this long to even try. But now, explaining it all to Alexander made my mind race with possibilities. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And fears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry coming back had drastically changed things in a way I had been in denial for. Henry wanted to meet up, and what my brain remembered about Henry was that he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>demanded</span>
  </em>
  <span> what he wanted. And if it didn’t happen he would make it happen. Somehow he always got absolutely everything he wanted. Like the time he didn’t want me to be adopted by Tom and Cathrine and somehow, even while failing a drug test, he made that him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took in a shakey breath and tried to reengage in the conversation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, just a part of my life. But I’ve moved past it.” I was desperately hoping he could not tell how anxious I had become. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anyways—“ his blank face had morphed into a bright smile, “You seemed to turn out okay. So that’s what really matters.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… mostly due to Cathrine and Tom.” My lips twitched in a smile. “They made me who I am today. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not even that same little girl anymore.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>I echoed Ben’s words from earlier in the week. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alexander looked thought this time, like he was regarding me or trying to figure out what to say next. Then he like… snapped out of it and the next thing I knew he was smiling a confident smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Brunch. Tomorrow. Am I invited?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up at him like he was crazy, “Uh, why would you be invited?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I took you to breakfast, and now you can take me.” He winked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not so sure about that…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It would be like the second half of our date.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“With all my family?” I said dryly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, and even your best friend </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He sounded like he was joking with me, but my skin started to feel, “No seriously though…” his smile turned earnest instead of playful, “I just want to spend more time with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart rate sped up. “If you </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to come tomorrow you can. But I think I should clarify… it’s not a date.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood up and gathered my things with a mischievous smile. Alexander followed in suit. “What do you mean it’s not a date?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t answer until I had gotten outside of the shop and turned towards him on the sidewalk, “It’s not a date because you trying to schmooze Cathrine does </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>count as a date.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pursed his mouth, trying to contain his smile. “I wouldn’t be going to do that. I’d be going to get you to like me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lips twitched, “You don’t have to do that. I already don’t like you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A smirk grew on his face and he stepped towards me until we were almost touching. “Are you sure about that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Im sure.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He scooted another few inches forward, “And there’s nothing I can do to change that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nothing at all.” I breathed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Just as he said that I felt his hand on my hip and felt his gently guiding me towards him and his lips found mine. I wouldn’t call it butterflies but something akin to it pooled in my belly and my right hand gripped at the front of his jacket at the feeling. His lips coaxed my softly but confidently. It was fairly innocent, the kiss I mean, but the way he looked at me when he pulled but </span>
  <em>
    <span>was not. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He looked like the devil who had just had a taste of his prey and was circling back for more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart rate has skyrocketed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I could even contemplate to pull back he leaned forward again, this time with his hand gripping my jaw. His lips slid across mine more deliberate this time, more intentional. The flighty feeling in my stomach has morphed into molten and I kissed him back with the same ferocity. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I lifted my hand to wrap around his neck but he pulled back at the same moment. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Rey.” He sent me a wink and then turned on his heels to head in the opposite direction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood there for a while, contemplating what happened. Shocked and the feelings he had incited in me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a few minutes I felt my phone vibrate in my coat pocket. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello, this is Rey Stansil.” I answered the </span>
  <em>
    <span>unknown</span>
  </em>
  <span> number. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You used to say your last name was Cartwright, like your mother’s. You never did want to take my last name, even as a kid.” </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Henry.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart beat elevated for a different reason this time and that searing sense of panic I had felt last Monday when Ben was at my house started again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did you get this number?” I hated that my voice sounded shaky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I really should have made you go by my name, huh? Reylin Ophelia Summers. It’s a damn good name if you ask me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wrapped my arms around my torso to try and replicate that tightness I needed to even my breathing out. “Well, no one asked you. Why did you call, Henry? I don’t want to talk to you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to meet up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” My voice was sharp. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My wife and I will be in town next weekend and I would like to see you— we would like to see you. I reached out to that new mother of yours but she said she wouldn’t give me your information or speak to you on my behalf.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>God bless Cathrine</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then how did you get this number?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quiet on the line, “I just want to see you, Rey.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You lost that privilege. Don’t call me again.” I ended the call with a snap and stuffed my phone back in my pockets. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I got to work I made a beeline for my office and shut the door behind me, holding in the large sigh I had in my chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Henry called me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pulled out my phone again from my pocket, blocked the number that had just called me and drafted a text. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My fingers skirted around in the air over the screen while I tried to decide what to say. I promised Ben I would tell him if I talked to Henry, but we hadn’t spoken since I’d said that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally I made up my mind and sent the message. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Henry called me.</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t long before I got a response. I was already seated at my desk reading the new manuscript that my assistant Jessica had laid on my desk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Are you okay? Need me to come there?</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t know what I wanted. And I knew that Ben coming to the office wasn’t going to change anything other than make it obvious that we didn’t make up from our fight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>I don’t know how he got my number</em>
  </b>
  <b>.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time it took awhile to get an answer back, and the words I was reading in the manuscript started to blur together, my concentration elsewhere. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Do you want me to come up there during lunch? I can. </em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stared at the phone. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did I want him to come up here for lunch?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I worried the inside of my lip in thought as my fingers hovered over the screen once more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>No. I’m okay. I was just letting you know. </em>
  </b>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter is FULL! Not very long... but FULL. This has kinda grown past just Ben and Rey and their angsty friendship/ relationship but that’s because we need to see Rey and Ben both develop and grow. Hopefully that’s what their doing. </p><p> </p><p>Also... I kinda love donuts so this chapter took an a extra day because everytime I thought about where they were I had to eat a donut. True story.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“And Alexander is coming to brunch?”</p><p> </p><p>I turned towards Cathrine with a sigh, “Yes, I already told you. He asked if he could come when he heard Leia mention it.”</p><p> </p><p>Her face scrunched in confusion, “I guess I don’t understand why you were with him.” </p><p> </p><p>“We… were on a date or something.” I glanced across the counter at Ben who was looking down at the vegetables he was meticulously cutting for Cathrine, who was going over and beyond this being because Leia and Han were coming.</p><p> </p><p>“A date? He asked you out at the Christmas party? That was like a month and a half ago!” Her face got more confused and her motions more extravagant. </p><p> </p><p>I bit the inside of my lip as Ben met my eyes in a dare. “No. We saw each other recently.” </p><p> </p><p>“What? When? Why didn’t you tell me?” </p><p> </p><p>I sighed and Ben looked back down at his hands. “I was looking to get my manuscript published and I went to his company for an interview and I didn’t even know it was his company so I just showed up and it was there.” </p><p> </p><p>Her face froze. “Rey… that’s amazing!! I’m so happy for you.” She smiled broadly. “So are you going on a date or is he publishing your book?”</p><p> </p><p>I tried not to wince as I felt Ben’s eyes fly up to mine but I didn’t look over. “Both?” </p><p> </p><p>Cathrine tensed. “Rey… I’m not too sure that’s a good idea. This is your first book you’re actually trying to get published, what if it affects it somehow? Is he asking you for sex in trade for a publishing deal?” </p><p> </p><p>I looked up alarmed, “What? Mom? No! Alexander would never do that.” </p><p> </p><p>“You seem awfully defensive of him,” she pointed out then she turned to appraise Ben, “Did you know anything about this?” </p><p> </p><p>He looked up with a dry look, “You mean that she’s dating Alexander or that she’s getting her book published by him and dating him and thinks there’s nothing weird about it?”</p><p> </p><p>I sent him a scathing look and Cathrine rounded the corner, “Rey, honey. I know it seems okay but people like Alexander— powerful men, sometimes they make it seem like it’s all good and fun and easy and then eventually things don’t work out and he not only doesn’t publish your book he steals the rights from you or something. <em> That’s </em>why I don’t want to be on retainer for him. He’s a playboy and he mixes business and personal far too much.” She tightened her lips thoughtfully, “I don’t want him to ruin that for you, this is too important.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you know he’s a playboy or are you assuming?” My question was sharp, “Because it doesn’t really feel fair to me that you two have constantly given me advice to set me back to where I was last year. You don’t want me to move on with my life but I can’t stay where I was either. So what do you want from me?” I looked between them in question. </p><p> </p><p>Ben’s face was blank but his eyes held in everything he couldn’t say. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“That is not true at all.” Cathrine tried to comfort me with a hand on my arm.</p><p> </p><p>“Then why do you encourage him to be my friend? And why does he insist on weaseling his way into every part of my life. You <em> both </em> keep secrets. And yet you <em> both </em> act like I should keep none. That is the definition of <em> unfair </em>.” I spun and stormed out of the room. I was tired of both of them. They didn’t know Alexander. They judged based off of the situation but that situation did not apply to everyone. And for some reason Cathrine had decided to start protecting Ben’s feelings, instead of mine. Encouraging us to be friends but not wanting my relationships with other people to hurt him in any way, like he was the one we should be looking out for. </p><p> </p><p>I walked through the house, trying to make it to the porch, where my sisters were when I ran into the object of our dissonance. </p><p> </p><p>Alexander stood looking the most casual I had ever seen him, in board shorts and a v-neck. When he saw me, his resting face before turned to a bright smile. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey! You’re here early.” I greeted. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, traffic is usually fucking terrible so I left early, but it ended up being okay so… here I am.” He placed a kiss on the side of my face and wrapped his arm around my waist as we walked. </p><p> </p><p>“Hi.” I said with a smile. </p><p> </p><p>“Hi.” </p><p> </p><p>“How are you?”</p><p> </p><p>He smirked, “I’m good. Seems like you like me today so I guess my plan worked.” </p><p> </p><p>I rolled my eyes at him and stopped, mid foyer. “You’re a douchebag sometimes, you know that?” He smiled but before he could respond I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his mouth to mine. Ben and Cathrine constantly felt the need to meddle in my life. I didn’t know what they wanted from me anymore and I didn’t know if I had what I needed to give it to them. </p><p> </p><p>Alexander’s lips were soft, and pliant against my searching ones. I was spiraling, trying to prove something to myself and to everyone else, and I knew it. But I didn’t exactly care. </p><p> </p><p>The small noise of a clearing throat behind me broke me from the kid. I turned around expecting to see Cathrine’s judgemental gaze but was met with Paige’s instead, who looked decidedly less judgment and more disappointed. </p><p> </p><p>She tried to put a smile on at the last moment when she saw my face harden at her look. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey you two. Think you can keep your tongues in your mouth for brunch?” She teased. Her hair fell lightly around her shoulders with movement and her skin seemed to glow. She was stunning, of course. And she always dressed in the most fashionable way possible tailored exactly to her body style and personality. It was incredible and a talent I always wished I had. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Alexander pulled back from me quickly, “You must be Rey’s sister. Are you the married one or the single one?” He walked up towards her with his hand outstretched. </p><p> </p><p>She laughed breathily, “Ah, that would be the married one. My husband is probably somewhere in the kitchen helping Cathrine.” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh yeah, I think I met him. He’s… interesting.” Alexander said unabashedly. I felt myself get uneasy at his assessment of Ben, but I tamped it down. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, Ben can be intense. But he’s very sweet once you get to know him.” Her lips pulled into a kind smile because if Paige was anything it was always kind. </p><p> </p><p>Alexander’s eyebrows bounced, “Yeah he seems like a whole bucket of sweet with his hard brow and pinched look on his face.” </p><p> </p><p>Paige laughed again, “I try to tell him to loosen up but I just don’t even know if he can.” </p><p> </p><p>Alex smirked, “He must be a hoot at parties.” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, absolutely.” He lips twitched and then she turned her gaze towards me, “Can I get your help with something?”</p><p> </p><p>I immediately jolted forward, “Yeah of course, whatever you need.” I followed her but turned to give Alexander a quick smile in apology before we walked out of his sight. “What do you need me to do?” We were walking towards where the back bathroom was that no one ever really used but Paige and Rose. </p><p> </p><p>“I just wanted to talk to you for a minute, but I need to get some medicine from my bathroom.” She pushed open the door and once inside grabbed a little make up bag that sat on the sink counter. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh. Okay, yeah. What’d you want to talk about?” I leaned against the door frame. </p><p> </p><p>“I just wanted to check on you. I heard from Cathrine that your dad has been trying to contact you. Are you doing okay?” She looked up at me while she tossed the tiny white pills into her mouth and swallowed. </p><p> </p><p><em> Henry </em>. It was something I had tried desperately to put out of my mind the days after his call. I didn’t really think Henry was dangerous or volatile enough to hurt me physically but just the idea of how easily he found my number set me on edge. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m good, actually.” I lied with a smile. “I have no desire to talk to him really, I’m just focusing on my work and writing. He’s halfway across the country anyways. He’s not been apart of my life for this long he has no reason to be part of it now.” </p><p> </p><p>She nodded slowly, “So you don’t really plan on talking to him?” </p><p> </p><p>“Would you?” </p><p> </p><p>“I might. If it was my dad. I hadn’t seen him in years because once he found out my mom's worsened he moved back to Beijing. And if one day he decided to contact me before he died a few years ago, then I probably would have wanted to see him.” She shrugged. </p><p> </p><p>“But my dad didn’t leave me for Beijing, he left me for Heroin and various girls to help get that fix ever since I was 4. And then he wouldn’t let me go. When I tried to move on with my life and get adopted by Tom and Cathrine he suddenly just couldn’t let his ‘little girl’ go.” I said dryly. “He’s a shitty person and dad.” </p><p> </p><p>She frowned, “Rey, I’m not trying to tell you to talk to him. I’m trying to tell you that I won’t judge you if you do. It’s normal to want to talk to the parents in your life, feel a connection to them even when you don’t know them or even if they <em> are </em> shitty people. But you do, so if you do decide to change your mind and talk to him I don’t think that’s a bad thing.” </p><p> </p><p>I looked away at her words. But I didn’t want to talk to Henry. I<em> never </em> wanted to speak to Henry again. “One time, my junior year, I found his old number that I had in my diary from my childhood and called him. I— didn’t <em> really </em>think he would answer but he did. And he was high out of his mind. So strung out that I’m surprised he even knew my name.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ...Relyin you think you can go find some fucking new parent and that will change who you are... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“He said a bunch of awful shit and then at the end told me to go fuck myself.” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ...If you think I will ever let you be adopted by those rich fucking bastards then you’re out of your god damn mind… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I have nothing to say to him and he doesn’t have anything to say to me.” I breathed out. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ...I’m holding on to you forever. You owe me. I gave you life. I stuck my cock inside your mother and I fucked you into her and this is what I got. An ungrateful piece of shit who thinks I’ll let this happen. I won’t ever let this happen. You and your little stuck up rich bitch ass can go fuck yourself…. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, Rey.” She reaches for my hand. “I just wanted you to know there was no judgment either way. And giving you what I would do if it was my dad. And I think Ben doesn’t know how to give you advice on it since him and his dad are so close. He’s usually the only person you take  advice from or listen to other than Cathrine. No one really know how to help you sometimes, even then too. And Ben just wants to help.” </p><p> </p><p>I stalled, an empty cold chilled me, “Ben told you to talk to me?” </p><p> </p><p>“Well… kinda. Not really.” </p><p> </p><p>I jerked back in disdain, “What does not really mean?” </p><p> </p><p>“No, no. Ben just mentioned that you two are in a fight so you won’t really talk to him, and when Cathrine told me I immediately knew he was worried about your dad.” </p><p> </p><p><em> Ben had told her we were in a fight? </em>“I’m fine, Paige. You can tell Ben to stop bossing everyone around though. If you’re gonna be the messenger.” I said snarkily. </p><p> </p><p>Her mouth twisted to the side, “Rey, you don’t have to get so defensive with me. I’m not trying to boss you around. I’m trying to be here for you.” </p><p> </p><p>I blinked at her, unsure of what to say. This was Paige, my sister, getting involved with mine and Ben’s argument. It was dangerous territory that I desperately didn’t want her to look too far into. But also I was tired of people meddling in my life. It’s like no matter what there is someone who felt the need to interfere with my life. </p><p> </p><p>My eyes that had been cold on her, narrowed on the bottle sitting on the counter that she had just taken, and then cut back up to hers. “Sorry I was rude. But I'm tired of these… weird fights with Ben. He needs to stay out of my business. You two are married now and I’m… fine with being his friend. But sometimes he acts like he has a say in anything I do and he actually does not.” I crossed my arms. </p><p> </p><p>She looked a little bit concerned, maybe for me, maybe for something else but her face just displayed all her confusion and worry like a painting. “I don’t think he is trying to tell you what to do or anything—“ </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well there’s a lot of things you don’t know about Ben, Paige. Let’s not kid ourselves.” And with that I turned on my heels I trekked towards the backyard in search of Alexander. </p><p> </p><p>“Rey,—“ Ben’s voice was loud through the corridor. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not in the mood, Ben.” I continued to walk in the opposite direction, looking around for Alex. </p><p> </p><p>“What is your deal today? Or in general? I’ve been trying to talk to you since you told me about your dad. And now you’re acting so defensive to Cathrine and—“  </p><p> </p><p>“That’s bullshit.” I laughed and wheeled around towards him, “I’m not being defensive. I’m frustrated that you and everyone else seems to think you can live <em> my </em> life better than me. <em> Especially </em> you. Who are you to tell me what to do with my book and who I should publish with.” </p><p> </p><p>He took a uneasy step forward and my glare hardened, “Rey, what’s wrong. You’re not acting like yourself.You’ve been acting off since Cathrine told you about Henry..” </p><p> </p><p>My blood boiled. “I have been acting <em> off </em>since last year. You didn’t seem to give a fuck then. You continue to drag me down and play with my emotions and feelings.” </p><p> </p><p>His eyes narrowed, “You’re redirecting.” </p><p> </p><p>I snareled, “Fuck you.” </p><p> </p><p>“You are. This isn’t about me. This is about you, Rey. This thing with Henry is bothering you, which is okay. He hurt you, he left you. It’s okay to be bothered by it but talk to me… talk to your family. “ </p><p> </p><p>“So you’re saying he hurt me and left and chose someone over me, so I can just ignore him, right? Well what about you? You hurt me and left me and chose someone over me, can I ignore you yet?” I tilted my head to the side and sneered. </p><p> </p><p>He took in a deep breath, “I never left, Rey. I’m right here.” </p><p> </p><p>“But you did do the other 2. So I’m <em> done </em> letting you control my life the way he’s done for so long.” I shook my head.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not trying to control you.” His voice was calm and quiet </p><p> </p><p>“But you do! You do every goddamn day. You want to be my friend but you want to act and talk like more and tell me who I can date and you want to hold me when I’m struggling with the problems with my dad. Well that’s <em> not </em>fair. I need you to start leaving me the fuck alone. Letting me make my own decisions and for once giving me some space.” </p><p> </p><p> Behind him, Paige startled as she walked out of the hallway I had been in with a pinched look on her face. </p><p> </p><p>I quieted down at the sight of her. Praying that what I had just said before she didn’t hear or read too much into. The anxious feeling knotted in my chest, cooling off the heat of anger I had just felt before. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Rey...I’m sorry I said anything earlier. I wasn’t trying to get in between anything, just— want everyone to get along…”  she breathed out with a smile, then she seemed to catch the tense look on my face. I watched her smile falter a little before she looked at Ben’s who was standing next to her. “What’s wrong?” </p><p> </p><p>Ben looked over at her and gave her a tight smile, “Nothing, just try to talk to her.” </p><p> </p><p>Paige tilted her head and looked back at me with a tentative smile, “You okay, Rey? You seem a little on edge today.” </p><p> </p><p>I bit the inside of my lip and tried to give her a smile despite the sinking feeling in my stomach, “I’m fine. Just ah— tired. I haven’t been sleeping much.” </p><p> </p><p>Her brows pulled in concern, “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re here for you.” Her hand gestured towards Ben and my eyes flicked up to his just in time to see his wince. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine, Paige.” My voice was quiet, much quieter than it was before. “Everything’s fine.” I took a few steps backward. </p><p> </p><p>“Reylin—“ </p><p> </p><p>“No. Ben, I’m good. I don’t want to argue. I need to go find Alexander.” I didn’t want to hear anything else of what they had to say. For some reason it didn’t feel normal. Seeing them together or having Alex there or hearing Leia in the other room talking to Cathrine or the idea that Henry could show up anywhere at any moment. </p><p> </p><p>It didn’t feel right. </p><p> </p><p>I walked through the doors of the back porch and saw Alexander talking with Tom. I walked up beside him until he caught sight of me. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey! Where’ve you been?” He turned towards me with a smile. </p><p> </p><p>I gave him a tight and easy one in return, “Do you want to get out of here?” </p><p> </p><p>His face immediately fell, “Why? What happened?” </p><p> </p><p>I shrugged, “Nothing— really… I just want to go. So why don’t we get out of here? We can get breakfast somewhere else.”</p><p> </p><p>I tried to pull on his arms but he was slow to budge. “Are you sure?” </p><p> </p><p>I nodded and continued to pull as he took slow steps in that direction, “Yeah I'm sure.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter amongst other chapters are dealing with some signs of anxiety and PTSD. </p><p>These are real issues that people deal with on a regular basis, please keep that in mind for the remainder of the book and that these are things our protagonist needs to overcome. NOT stay in. </p><p> </p><p>On a lighter note, I took all of your advice as far as my writers block goes and for now I am just taking this 1 word at a time. </p><p>ANOTHER THING... we have quite few black character in this book... and all of them are successful and stable black people who are doing well with their lives but in the world right now there is so craziness so it should go without saying but... Black lives matter. </p><p>That is all. </p><p> </p><p>—</p><p>Your comments are greatly appreciated. I think I tear up everytime I read one, please keep them coming and feel free to rant as long as you’d like. I will probably read it 12 times over.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Read at your own risk...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>We were almost out the door, —so close— when Leia and Han nearly ran into us trying to get through. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh! Sorry.” Leia laughed as she tried to dodge us. “Excuse us.” She sidestepped me just in time so that we didn’t collide. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey! It’s good to see you, how’ve you been?” Han leaned forward to give me a hug. He was always nice, I liked Han. He was funny and thoughtful and helpful when Ben was none of those things and I never understood it. Leia was also always pleasant but Ben had inherited her stoic face and cold demeanor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Han. I’ve been good.” My tight smile softened into a more genuine one. “How about you? Still driving that roadster?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ohh yeah,” he gave a proud smile and I tried to push off the tense anxiety and frustration to talk to Han; Han who was always someone who could make me laugh no matter what. “I’m just waiting patiently for Tesla to put out the new roadster.” He whistled, “That car is sleek as all hell.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt myself relax into simple conversation with Han. Han and I used to be close when I was in high school, he was the football coach and the life skills teacher. I took his class every year and he was always my favorite teacher. I had never really known Dr. Organa well but as far as Han went— he had been one of my favorite people. Once Ben and Paige got together, things changed. I graduated, moved to Bellingham while they stayed in Seattle to go to Washington State. I missed Han when I went away. Our love for fast cars and all mechanics tied us but I knew I needed sever that tie when Paige came into the picture. Han and Leia were going to be her new family, not mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re right.” I laughed, “It is sleek as hell. I can’t wait to see it. The lotus body is nice but once the new style comes out it will look how much it’s actually worth.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just after I said that I saw Ben walk up out of the corner of my eye, and felt dread and annoyance build in me again. His eyes held mine, for longer than I should have allowed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you’re Alexander correct? We met earlier this week?” Leia probed. I broke my gaze with Ben and looked over at her. I didn’t want to talk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, hello Doctor, good to see you again.” Alex shook her hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is my husband Han. Han this is Rey’s friend Alexander.” She introduced them with a flick of her hand. “And what did you say your last name was again? You look oddly familiar.” Leia’s face turned thoughtful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Snoke. Alexander Snoke.” I saw his face fall  slightly from the smile but it turned up again. I realized then that I had never even asked Alex’s last name or heard it. I didn’t fully know how much I even knew about him, other than that he owned a publishing company and he moved from Chicago. I didn’t know anything about him at all. The questions and comments my mother had proposed to me an hour before filled my head. She had said that she didn’t trust Alexander, and my mother was not one to not trust people. Or not like people. She rarely shared her negative thoughts on people. And the questions started bouncing around my brain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yes. The name sounds familiar but I can’t seem to place it.” She frowned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I opened my mouth to ask something but I felt Ben’s hand on my arm and I looked over at him again. “Can I talk to you for a second?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt tense again, “About what?” My voice was a whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He glanced up to the people near us and took a step back away when he realized they had already started engaging in their own conversation. I took a slight step away myself. The group behind us continued their conversation but I twisted my shoulder to face Ben, even though were we within just a few feet of his parents and Alex. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll tell you everything,” his voice was low and soft, “I’ll tell you everything you need to know. No more secrets.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breath caught. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Everything? </span>
  </em>
  <span>When I could finally breathe again my heart started to pick up its pace. “What is everything?” Sometimes it was hard to remember what originally drew me to Ben in the first place. What cosmic connection tied us in this constant battle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then sometimes it was as obvious as rain. Like when you look out the window and ask </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘is it raining’</span>
  </em>
  <span> when it’s clear to already is. Or how the scent and evidence of rain lingers long after it’s gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were hard and certain and suddenly every thought I had before was rushing through my head, “Can we just… meet? I’ll tell you whatever you need to know— whatever you want to know. I think we should talk…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I searched his face, trying to find something— anything, to show me what he was thinking; what was going on in his head. He never let me know anything that he thought. And the secrets carved a valley between us. A valley that I wasn’t sure could be crossed easily. Everything left unsaid, every severed kept, every lie told… spread us further and further apart. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why now? </span>
  </em>
  <span>I swallowed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey?” I heard Leia’s voice call out. I turned my head to look at her. I was in a fog but I tried to focus in on what was being said  “Did you hear that? It seems like my father and Alexander’s father worked together at some point? That’s why he seemed so familiar.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh?” I questioned but it didn’t quite sound as confident that I wanted it too. I didn’t know how to process what she had just said, I was still trying to process Ben’s statement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your father must be quite a bit older.” Leia wasn’t talking to me anymore but my head was reeling, and I couldn’t grasp ahold of the conversation </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, he was. He passed away about 20 years ago and my mother remarried since... but, ah— yeah. He was older for sure. I didn’t know him well.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt Ben’s eyes on my face. The burned into the side of my face and struggled to keep forward until I gave in and my eyes looked over and found his. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Everything… </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I’m sorry… I had no idea.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned back towards Alexander quickly, suddenly feeling like I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. “Are you ready?” my voice cracked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face scrunched in confusion, “Yeah… uh, sure.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I moved out of the entryway and through the door before anything else could be said. The feeling in my stomach wasn’t going away. I sped down the stairs and across the gravel, and behind me, I heard the gravel crunch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, is everything alright?” Alexander was not far behind me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I reached the car and slammed the door behind me. The quiet flooded me and soothed the noise in my brain. My chest shook with the deep breath I inhaled. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Was it too late?</span>
  </em>
  <span> It felt like it was. Those secrets that he had kept and the ones he had made would change nothing. Absolutely nothing. He had made his decisions, just as I made mine and there was no way to change them now. A year before when he had cornered me in the kitchen asked why I hadn’t fought for him or why I never fought for the things I loved was my opening and I didn’t take it. The year before when he found out about my feelings was his opening and he didn’t take it. We grew further apart, our decisions and choices taking us down paths in opposite directions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But</span>
  </em>
  <span>… at the same time it felt like we were tethered. When I moved, he moved. When he felt, I felt. It was a weird connection that had festered since high school when I first walked into writing club and met the linebacker for the football team and learned of his love for books and his dream to be an author. After then it was like every event and story somehow led back around to him. Like every time things would move in my life he moved right along with it. I could never really shake him, and I didn’t know if I wanted to. No matter how much I said or thought I did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But isn’t it too late?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All the things he told me he couldn’t tell me… did they matter now? The stories he said weren’t his to tell… Did that matter now? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, what is going on? You didn’t want to stay for brunch?” Alexander slid into the drivers seat beside me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced up at him, breaking my transe. He was handsome. Every part of him screamed charm and sauce. He was wealthy. And driven. And smart. And funny. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And</span>
  </em>
  <span>… he was there. “I have a dad.” I leaned the side of my head against the headrest, “He… left, when I was younger. I told you about it at the donut shop.” He nodded to encourage me to continue, “He reached out to me a couple of days ago… yesterday actually, after we went to Top Pot, and anyways— he uh, said he wants to meet.” I swallowed and shrugged, “My sister seems to think I need my dad in my life or something and my mom doesn’t know what to say about everything with him and Ben…” I breathed out a sigh, “Ben actually isn’t trying to interfere with that one, which is rare. But still…” my voice cracked and softened considerably, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I have to meet with him just because he’s my dad.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alexander’s eyebrows pulled in, “But he is… your dad. You should see him. You said he had a drug problem? Maybe he’s clean now and wants to come back.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sigh and looked at the roof of the car, “Ben says he thinks I’m just a part of some 12 step program to help reconcile from the sins of the past or whatever.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you always listen to everything Ben says?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” My lip rolled between my teeth, “But if that’s the case then I have </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span> desire to see him. I don’t need to reconcile the sins. I have no sins. I was 11, I had done nothing, and he left.” I looked over at him, “He left his 11 year old daughter to fend for herself while he went and got with some new woman across the country. I don’t need to reconcile anything.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I saw him nod slowly, the look on his face pensive, “But… he’s still your dad. I think you should meet with him, and just see what he says. It may not be anything to benefit you but you’ll never know unless you go.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My stomach tensed at the thought of going to see Henry, and the fact that Alexander thought I </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I looked down at my hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Behind me, was the house I’d called home since I was 11… and a group of people who cared about me a lot but they were a part of that old life. They had opinions and commentary for my old life and the girl who was in love with Ben. I didn’t want to be that girl anymore. They were my family…. and I loved them… but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>be that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beside me was a really handsome man, with connections in the writing world and he knew nothing of my old life or my connection with Ben. He didn’t judge me for what happened with Carter and he didn’t constantly scrutinize my every move, waiting for me to break. He was a fresh start. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced up at him and gave him a small smile, “Do you want to go to the lighthouse?”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you like my book?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over at me, “Yeah I like your book. Why would you ask that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrugged and looked down at my feet, “I don’t know, you’re the only one who’s read it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Other than your sister’s boyfriend.” He corrected me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up at him dryly, “Husband.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah,” his smile broadened, “Husband. Right.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We were making the trek back from the lighthouse and I could feel his sarcasm rolling off of him. We had made our way to Discovery Park and made the long walk to the lighthouse, my favorite place in Seattle.  The conversation had turned from its heavier notes at the house and became lighter and fun. He made a point to get my mind off of everything with my family and with Henry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why do you keep saying it like that?” I laughed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head bobbed back in forth like he was weighing his options “Because I think it’s funny.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes, “I’m serious though. I’ve never had anyone read my book other than him. And I guess… I just wanted you to like it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your book is great. And poetic. I’m going to publish it.” It was a statement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Excitement bubbled in me but I tried to tamp it down. “Really?” My smile was wide. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded, “On one condition…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“—You go on another date with me.” His smile grew in answer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t this already a date?” I laughed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah.” He shook his head, “It’s not a date unless you let me kiss you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart rate sped up at his words and I inched in closure to him. “I mean… if that’s what it takes.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I wanted him to kiss me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I wanted to forget all the drama. I wanted to feel his soft lips on mine again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His breath fanned over my lips. The goosebumps and the thrill of the heat flowed through my body as his eyes coasted down the length of my face and to my lips. I felt the tight ribbon of tension between us, </span>
  <em>
    <span>thrum</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “That is </span>
  <em>
    <span>most certainly…</span>
  </em>
  <span> what it takes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And with those words his lips slammed down on mine much more forcefully than when he kissed me the day before. His hands that had gently circled my hips last time now crushed me to his chest, a tight pressure on my rib cage. I tried to kiss him back with the same ferocity, and forgot where the hell I was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His tongue lined the seam of my lips, not even partially pausing when my lips parted for him. He angled his head to the side more and my hands pulled him closer to me. Every movement of his lips we were in sync. Every touch of his tongue sent tingles down my neck. His hand moved from wrapping around my ribs to gripping tightly at my waists. My breath picked up and he pulled back slightly before kissing me again, his tongue delving into my mouth. His touch was firm and my body was heating at the intensity of the kiss. It was then that I realized where we were and I pulled back from the kiss, my hand pressing on his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re… in a park.” I breathed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes focused on where we were as he looked around. I watched as he slowly took it in and then his eyes trailed back up to meet mine. “Would you like to see where I live? It’s not far from here.” His eyes held mine. I heard the suggestion, loud and clear. He wanted to go back to his apartment with him. My mind raced but before I could even think I felt myself nod, still attempting to catch my stolen breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His wicked grin spoke volumes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Volumes. </span>
  </em>
  <span>We were out of the park quickly, my feet trailing behind us. The grip he had on my hand guided me to the car. I felt the heat that washed through me at our kiss simmer slowly underneath my skin. When we slid into our respective sides of the car after our few minutes of walking, he gripped the upper part of my arm and pulled my lips back to his. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time they were entirely unforgiving. They didn’t brush, they bruised and his hand that wasn’t gripping my upper arm found my thigh and a soft moan left my lips at the squeeze. He seemed spurred on by the weak sound that I emitted and picked up the pace of the kiss. His teeth nipped lightly at my mouth with each pass of his lips. He groaned and then pulled back. I felt the tell tale sign of the stirring in my stomach and the wetness grow in the apex of my thighs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I should stop now before I fuck you in the back of my car in this park.” He sent me a wolfish grin as he shifted the car into reverse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tingling sensation grew in my abdomen and I squeezed my thighs together to help the sensation. All thought of Ben, and his secrets, and Paige and her opinions, or my guilt… gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sped through the roads, making sharp turns and lane changes until he pulled into a parking garage. The fire was not ebbing especially with his palm rubbing salaciously across my jeaned thighs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I knew it we were in his apartment and his hands were deep in my hair and his mouth on mine again. “This is my place.” His spoke through our kiss. Using his arms to rip at the jacket he wore, tossing it haphazardly in the apartment. I opened my eyes briefly to see my surroundings, what his home looked like but shut them quickly in a moan when his hand found the seam of my jeans where the warmth of my wetness grew. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Every sensation that started to fill me traveled south. His mouth on mine. One hand in my hair. The other rubbing me through my jeans. “Fuck, I want you.” He spoke raggedly. I was walking backwards, and when the back of my knees hit a ledge of some sort I fell back slightly into the soft surface. He fell against me and the bulge of his arousal rubbing against my thigh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips began to trail away from mine and down towards my neck. The fire grew. I wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>this. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I wanted to be with him, I wanted him to have me. Alexander was </span>
  <em>
    <span>different</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He spoke different.  And what I felt for him was </span>
  <em>
    <span>different</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I knew that I wanted to go through with it. The kiss the day before had started a tension between us that slowly burned from the inside out. I didn’t care what Cathrine or Ben thought. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My clothes were off and he was sinking into me. His cock touching places that hadn’t been touched in so long and his lips working at the apex of my neck. His hips rocked slowly and I clenched around him. The burn was bright now, and hot and burning through my skin. All thought of before was gone as he picked up his pace and drilled into me. My hands gripped and his hair— his shoulders— his back, anything. He moved faster and the coil of tension grew in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t long before I finished, my orgasm shuddering through my legs and then he was racing right after me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We laid there for a while, silent. Catching our breath. He pulled out of my slowly and he rolled to the other side of the bed. I laid there for a while, thinkinking about what had just happened. And slowly, but surely… I dozed off into oblivion. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sound of my phone ringing roused me from my sleep. I reached to where my night stand holds my phone only to find empty air. My hand fished through the air, searching. I finally proved my eyes open, seeing nothing the same. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I was at Alexanders</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The windows that were shining brightly with light before now black and dark. The silk sheets that should have been my first indicator that this wasn’t my house, rubbed against my naked skin. My phone continued it’s incessant tune and I turned to see Alexander beside me, fast asleep. My feet slid out from beneath the comforter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I maneuvered blindly around the apartment, searching frantically for my phone, trying to catch it before it stopped ringing. Every little bit I glanced back at Alexander to be sure he was still silently asleep and that the noise hadn’t woke him up. When my grip finally circled around my phone I slid across the screen to answer quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello?” My voice came out in a rush. I heard nothing. I pulled the phone back to see the caller. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Ben?” It was 12:45 in the morning, and he still wasn’t saying anything. Finally I heard a deep shuddering breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>She’s dead</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He croaked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Paige,” she finished. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>She’s dead, Rey</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” His voice broke. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dread</span>
  </em>
  <span>, </span>
  <em>
    <span>confusion, anger</span>
  </em>
  <span>…. Swept over me like a storm. The beating of my heart stopped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> My voice was a whisper. I’m not even sure he heard me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sobs wracked him again. His anguish was palpable through the phone. “She’s just… gone. I don’t even know what to fucking do.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I couldn’t breathe</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood there. In shock. A million and one thoughts going through my head. The first one being… </span>
  <em>
    <span>this isn’t real. This isn’t real.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sound of Ben Solo sounding completely wrecked finally broke through to me. My lungs burned with the need for air and I gulped at it desperately. I jumped up from where I was on the floor, I didn’t even remember sitting down. My sister was gone. I didn’t believe it was real. It had to be a dream. But even in my dream I couldn’t imagine something this catastrophic. Even in my dream I couldn’t imagine Ben Solo sobbing through the phone in anguish. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I didn’t know what was real. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I grabbed my clothes from the ground, “Where are you? I’m coming.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Guard your hearts...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sweetie, are you Reylin Summers?” The woman’s voice was sweet and she leaned over to look me in the eye. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I nodded slowly, unsure of what else to say. I was scared. I didn’t know who these people were or what they wanted. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She placed her hand on my shoulder, “Okay, honey. You’re gonna come with us, you’ll be safe. We’re gonna take you to a nice home.” People flooded around us both, searching through my small, rickety apartment, I tried to not focus on my world closing in. My dad had been gone for almost 2 months. The food in the house, gone. I waited for him to come back and he never did. Fear gripped me, even at 11 years old. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The lady grabbed my hand, “It’s okay, you don’t have to be scared. We’re going to keep you safe now. He can’t hurt you anymore.”  </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I looked up at her. “Where’s my daddy? Is he dead?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No honey, he’s not dead.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“My mommy died. Are you sure he didn’t die too?” I wasn’t crying, or panicking… I was just numb. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She smiled sadly at me. “I’m sorry, honey.  He’s not dead. He’s just gone.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s just gone.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Outside the window was darkness. Calm. The Uber couldn’t drive fast enough. Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>calm. Everything was wrong. I still couldn’t breathe, it was like every other moment I tried to gasp silently for breath. We were almost to the hospital and as far as I was concerned we’d been driving for years. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I just needed to get there</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After Ben called I ran out of Alexander’s apartment as quickly as I could. I didn’t bother to wake him or leave a note, nor did I really think of it. All I could think of was getting there. It didn’t really feel real yet.  I wanted to see Ben, I wanted to make sure he was okay. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to see Paige. Because there was no way she could possibly be gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Uber driver continued to glance back in the mirror at me. I’m sure I looked crazy because my outfit was still disheveled from the days earlier activities with Alexander and my hair the same. I tried not to feel how awful I felt if Paige was really dead. The lash things I said to her wasn’t what I wanted her to think of me. And instead of eating brunch with her I left to be with Alexander. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>When we finally pulled up I flew through out of the car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I just needed to get there</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My feet slammed against the hard tile of the hospital. Everything hurt, everything burned. I couldn’t believe that she was dead. There was no way. My mind was blank, I couldn’t even think. I picked up my pace to sprint, and finally rounded the corner of the 3rd floor of the hospital. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I slowed as I saw Ben’s back. He was facing the nurses desk 20 feet away, and I felt his name leave my lips in a whisper. Almost like he heard me, he turned toward me suddenly. His eyes were sunk in, and his face pale. When he finally saw me his face crumbled and the look of his anguish broke me. For the first time that night, tears pooled in my eyes and slipped down my face. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was gone.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was gone.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p><span>My heart shattered and my chest heaved. I felt myself about to buckle with the weight of my realization. </span><em><span>Paige was gone.</span></em> <em><span>Really gone</span></em><span>. Ben’s arms were around me as sobs wracked my body. I was shaking, and his grip tightened. His hand cradled the back of my head to his chest. I was nearly hyperventilating, my breath was erratic. The dark cloud of the situation covered us. </span></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was fucking dead</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He continued to hold me, for I don’t even know how long. The hospital melted in the background and there was just me and him, I didn’t hear him make any noises but I could hear the silent shake of his breathing once I finally sobered up. But he didn’t let me go. Even after I had gone silent in his chest. My hands were fisted into the old t-shirt he was wearing. The hand that wasn’t cradling my head. Wrapped around my entire back. After every moment that passed the room got colder. His arms were no longer holding the heat into my body and the stark chill of the hospital started to seep through. His arm still held me, and I listened to the quiet sound of his breathing. Reality started to set in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was…. gone.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mr.Solo?” A small voice called from behind us. I felt Ben time his head a look behind him. “I’m… sorry to interrupt, but… the paperwork still has to be filled out.” She was gently urging him to finish whatever paperwork had to be filled out. I felt Ben take another shakey, deep breath underneath my fist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pulled back to look at his face, “Did you call Cathrine and Rose?” I didn’t even know how it happened yet. But I knew Rose should be there. Rose would </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be there. If soulmates existed Rose and Paige were that for each other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” His voice was deep and croaky, like I could tell he had been crying for a long time.  “They’re on their way.” I nodded. Ben pulled away slowly from me and turned towards the nurse, who still stood patiently behind us. “I’ll be right there.” He regarded her before he turned back to me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I searched over his features. For the first time ever that usual blank face was replaced by something much more terrifying…. Ben Solo looked exhausted. The lines in his forehead and around his mouth looked deeper than usual. And his sunken eyes were made more pronounced by the intense, dark bags underneath them. “How did it happen?” My voice sounded hoarse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his lips in for a moment before pursuing them, “She had Cystic Fibrosis. We never really knew how long she had, but I uh— didn’t think it would be this soon.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My stomach dropped. </span>
  <em>
    <span>She had what?</span>
  </em>
  <span> A small tremor started in my hand, I could feel myself losing it. “Why didn’t I know?” I could barely speak, my mouth completely dry. My tears started to build again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How could I not know</span>
  </em>
  <span>?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She didn’t want anyone to know. She— thought that she was doing the right thing but—“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben was cut off by the nurse, “Mr.Solo… I’m so sorry, but… if we are going to harvest her good organs we need to do so now…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s face grew even more grim, “I’ll explain everything, I promise. But… I need you.” His voice cracked with the last word. “I can’t— do this on my own. Please stay with me.” It was a plee. One I should have maybe ignored or denied, but I couldn’t. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded slightly, “Okay. Yeah. Whatever you need.” I followed behind him and stood beside him as he filled out this paperwork. I turned numb. The more questions I saw over his shoulder that he filled out like this was his 1000th time to fill out this kind of paperwork. He was donating everything, per her request. And he knew the answer to all of her medical and legal questions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige is gone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She was sick, and she died</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn't think anymore. I felt like I was in a haze. Rose and Cathrine showed up, nearly collapsed on the ground, and I was still in shock. They held each other… and it briefly crossed my mind… </span>
  <em>
    <span>did they not know either?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Tom was with them, cradling them in a split second. Rose’s sobs shrieked through the hallways. Cathrine looked just as tore up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did they know?” I asked him, never taking my eyes away from my breaking family. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” He was walking towards them, Rose caught sight of him and collapsed into his arms. I stood on the sidelines, watching them weep, mourn— grieve. Watching Rose realize she’s lost her soul mate. Watching Cathrine realize she’d lost another daughter. Watching Tom realize he couldn’t protect his family from everything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Watching Ben realize all he had just lost at the age of 25. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine looked up after a few moments, her eyes found mine and she rushed towards me, enveloping me into her arms. “I didn’t know.” She breathed. “I knew something was up and that she wouldn’t tell me and Ben </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>but I didn’t know. What kind of mother does that make me?” She whispered, while we embraced. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m her sister and I didn’t know. What kind of sister does that make me?” I sniffed. “Why did she not want me to know?” I rasped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pulled back, “Rose didn’t know either. And that’s what their mother died of I think.” She looked back at Ben who was still holding Rose, “Whenever Ben and I had… </span>
  <em>
    <span>a talk</span>
  </em>
  <span> after you left for San Diego again… I knew there was something going on and he said that he wasn’t allowed to tell me. That he </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>tell me… whatever it was. I— I should have known.” She broke into tears. “I should have seen it. I should have been able to tell that something was </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pulled her into my arms again, “It’s not your fault.” I whispered into her hair, “It’s not your fault.” Her sobs grew louder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>She’s gone.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Cathrine was a strong woman. A black woman who rose above societal standards and because a black, female, lawyer in the state of Washington. She lost 2 kids in a car crash and fostered 3 more not too long after. Fed and cared for them. Became and wealthy woman, who gave back to her community, who helped educate other young black girls and inspire them to be lawyers and doctors and scientists. But she broke in my arms. She had lost so much, she had fought so hard but in all the years I had been with her… I had never seen her break. Until the night that Paige died. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart broke for her. Broke for all of us.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was gone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hospital stood still. The nurse that had pestered Ben about paperwork for his dead wife had disappeared. The noise of other patients and their families had faded away. It was quiet, and solemn… and a lot like death. There was noise and pain and then suddenly nothing… I couldn’t really describe the feeling I sat there with. We all stood blankly in the hallway of the hospital, not sure why we were still there. Eventually Cathrine and Tom left. Walking out defeated. Later, Rose’s boyfriend Finn showed up and took her home. Ben and I sat alone, in the waiting room. Waiting for nothing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The white walls of the hospital hallway glared, and the tile floors seemed hollow. After a few minutes Ben stood to finish the last of the paperwork. I sat by myself in the seat, occasionally looking up to check on Ben. He looked tired and drained, and his eyes as he looked over the papers were empty. My face had dried but the hole inside my chest stayed the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was gone.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ball inside my throat grew. Almost like Ben heard my struggle to swallow and turned to look over at me. When he caught my eyes he tried to send me his best reassuring smile but it felt empty. I couldn’t even return it, but I tried. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Almost done</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he mouthed from across the room. I nodded back at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>5 minutes later he was walking back over to where I was seated and sat down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm sorry I couldn’t tell you.” His voice was low and groggily, “I don’t know if Cathrine will ever forgive me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My gaze stayed on the white walls of the hallway, “Can we not talk about this now? It’s almost 4. Let’s go home.” I stood up and looked back at him. His face looked pained. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where is that?” My heart hurt for him. He wasn’t sure where to go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can come to my place.” I offered softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pressed his lips together but nodded slowly. I reached for him as he stood and wrapped my arm around his. He drove us to my apartment, and time seemed to pass in a blur. By 4:30am I was walking into my apartment with Ben following along closely to my heels. The lines of his face were harsh and his eyes dropped with exhaustion but for some reason I didn’t really think he would be getting much sleep tonight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I padded softly into the kitchen after I kicked off my shoes, pouring both of us a glass of water. Beb stood on the other side of the island in my kitchen staring blankly at the counter. I carried both cups around and I walked towards him and pressed one into his hands. He gingerly took the glass from me and drank. His eyes still staring at random parts of the room. The mood was somber. I was reminded of the last time he was in my house not even a week before, and how much had changed since then. It had felt like years since then. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you still in your brunch clothes?” He said once his eyes flicked back to mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were blank but I saw no accusation in them. “I uh— hadn’t made it home yet.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His brows pulled in confusion, “But it was like 1 in the morning?” He looked confused but suddenly realization flowed over his face and I shifted on my feet. “Oh.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked away, unable to hold his gaze any longer. “You were with Alexander.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My stomach turned but I still couldn’t meet his gaze. I felt him finally look away and finish the rest of his water. It was quiet, the house was already quiet and I said nothing. “Thank you… for coming tonight.” He finally broke the abyss of silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My gaze flitted back to his once, “Of course.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stared at me for a minute before looking away with a deep breath, “And thank you for letting me stay here. I uh… can’t go back to her place.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Her place…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was gone…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a weird empty feeling. Ben was at my house… at 5 in the morning and Paige was not waiting for him because </span>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was gone</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He walked over to the couch and sat facing the large expanse of windows in my living room. I followed behind him as he leaned back and looked at the ceiling. I lowered myself down to the seat beside him and looked out at the sky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We were just sitting in the house. I was… watching tv. She said she didn’t feel well so we left your parents early. I didn’t—“ he made a noise that sounded almost like he was choking, “I didn’t know. I was just </span>
  <em>
    <span>sitting</span>
  </em>
  <span> there… watching tv and when I got up to go check on her in the other room she was… gone. I couldn’t do… </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> about it.” I looked over at him and his face was curled in a painful way, that showed how he seemingly felt on the inside. “Like everything I did to try and keep her healthy meant </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Because I couldn’t fucking go in there and check on her 10 minutes earlier.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A silent tear made its way down my cheek and I rolled my lips in between my teeth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I should have been able to help. There should have been </span>
  <em>
    <span>something </span>
  </em>
  <span>I could have done— someway I could have saved her. And even when I got in there—“ his voice broke, “I did CPR for fuck knows how long before I finally broke and called 911. She wasn’t breathing, I knew that she wasn’t breathing. But I just thought maybe I could… I could… I don’t know. Bring it back.” His eyes closed. “But she’s gone now. There’s no way to fix it or bring it back. She knew it was coming. I know she did because she was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>intune</span>
  </em>
  <span> with her body, it was crazy… But if she knew and she didn’t tell me I swear to god I’ll kill her.” He broke into sobs as his sentence ended. I reached over across the couch and grabbed his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He cried… in different stages. He sobbed and then silently shook and then there were just tears, similar to mine, that rolled slowly down his face and he finally opened his eyes to look over at me with a curve of his neck. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed, “You said that already.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a twitch in his cheek, “I’m sorry I need you so much…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart skipped a beat and I had to look away. “You just needed a place to stay.” It came out as a whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blinked at me, “You know that’s not true.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I swallowed slowly, “You should go to sleep. It’s been a long day.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A beat of silence passed, “I’ll explain everything in the morning. I promise.” His voice tapered off and I looked over to see his eyes closed. He was drifting off… and I spent the next few minutes watching him, asleep and peaceful for the first time that night. The hours that had passed since the hospital seemed draining, and overwhelming. And seeing Ben fast asleep on my couch was a surreal moment, lessening the blow of reality. Because the reality was… Paige was gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben was a widower and I had lost my best friend and my sister. We were sitting on my couch, on the precipice of change. The most terrible change that could happen. Ben said he would explain everything but suddenly I didn’t want to know </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly the truth felt like too much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned my head up to gaze at the ceiling. The sun was starting to peek through the buildings. For the first time since I received Ben’s call that night, Alexander crossed my mind. I reached for my phone and dialed his number, glancing back at Ben as I walked towards my room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey? What the hell? You snuck out on me?” Alexander’s angry voice came through the phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sucked in a breath, “I’m sorry… uh— something came up.” I looked down at my bare toes. “My sister died.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was silent for a moment, “What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah she passed away, so… I’m sorry I left. And I will probably not be around for the next couple of days.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I heard him mumble something incoherent away from the phone, “The married one?”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt my brows twitch in confusion. “Uh yeah.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit, I’m sorry. I never know what to say when people die. That was very shitty of me.” There was some rustling, “Do you need me to come over there?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked back at the door to the living room with a wince, “No. No— I’m okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. You’ll let me know if you need me, right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sun was almost in full blast by then, and my eyes were half mast, “Yeah. I’ll let you know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pressed end before he said anything else and fell back onto the bed just as I gave into exhaustion. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys!!! First of all... your love and support means SO MUCH to me. I’ve been struggling with believing in my writing but everytime I read your comments it inspires me and moves me and I love that you all are going along on this journey with me 🥰</p><p>So... I saw a lot of comments giving the Stansil’s a hard time and I just wanted to kind of give some feedback on that... </p><p>It takes a lot for a person to be able to Foster, ESPECIALLY teenagers. And then to take them in as your own and be able to love them and provide for them like your own is something beautiful and magical that not enough people do. Fostering is HARD. This story like I’ve said many a time is supposed to be realistic. Families have problems. People make a thousand and one mistakes but family is family... and these people took in 3 girls who were not their own just after their own children had died and did their damndest. </p><p>That’s just in their defense... so just think of that. They’re good people who just try and do what’s best for their family. </p><p> </p><p>ALSO... I know there’s a ton of unanswered questions... they will be answered a little bit at a time.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Get ready...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I blinked awake, feeling blinded by the light as it shined in. The house was filled with an aroma that curled around me and drawed on my senses. My feet found their way to the ground and I sat on the edge of my bed gaining my bearings. The events of the night before flooded me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was dead</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben was at my house</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I got up, walked out towards where the source of the smell was in my kitchen. In the kitchen, standing in front of the stove stood Ben. He looked up when he heard the sound of my bare feet across the floor. His eyes were shadowed with dark circles and red-rimmed. And he looked so tired. More tired than I’d ever seen him in my life. And the half-ass smile he tried to send me didn’t even reach his eyes.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning. I made breakfast— our usual Sunday breakfast tradition.” He looked back at the clock on the oven, “Even though it's 11 am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled softly, “You didn’t have to do that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged and moved his wooden spoon through the egg omelet he was making on the stove. “I woke up and I didn’t really know what else to do.” I heard a small clear of his throat, “And I couldn’t find you… it kind of freaked me out at first.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart hurt for him, “I’m sorry.” I spoke softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked up at me like I was crazy, “You don’t need to apologize. I’m glad you slept in the bed. Just… felt weird to see you unmoving in the other room…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>like her…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, Ben. You could have woken me. I don’t want you to be alone.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I made sure you were breathing. Then I just sat at the window looking out at Seattle for a bit before I started making breakfast.” His eyes flicked up to meet mine, “Omelette okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Omelette‘s great.” I sat at the island and watched him work. He was still wearing the same clothes as the day before and his hair had turned into a sleepy mess, his hands having run through it a thousand times in the past 24 hours. I had changed into some joggers and a tank top, desperate to shed myself of the clothes reminding me of the day prior. My fight with Cathrine; my fight with Paige; </span>
  <em>
    <span>my fight with Ben</span>
  </em>
  <span>; Ben saying he would tell me everything; sleeping with Alexander; getting Ben’s call afterward… ; going to the hospital; All of it seemed so much. Almost like a lifetime of events all happened in one day. I had tossed my phone across my room last night, determined to avoid it as long as possible. I didn’t want to know of anything else to add to my list. I knew I would need to check on Cathrine and Rose eventually, probably even go over there but I just wasn’t ready yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In front of me stood Ben Solo, who had just lost his wife, and life partner… who had carried the burden of her illness for who knows how long and he was making </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span> breakfast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you get any sleep?” I asked just as he started walking around the island with our food. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, some. I’m not really used to sleeping very much. After I moved into Paige’s place it was like… I was constantly waking up to help her or to get her vest— getting hours of sleep in a row seems so rare.” He looked down at his plate as he sat down beside me. “And now that’s over…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart clenched and a lump formed in my throat. It was hard to hear his words. But he cleared his throat and continued, “I don’t know where to start with the funeral now. I don’t think she would have wanted anything but— right now I’m not sure I really care.” He chuckled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can help you… with the funeral planning and all that. I don’t want you to do it alone.” The side of my mouth twitched up, “Whatever you need me to do, really…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, honestly. I appreciate it.” He took a bite of his food, “being here is enough. If I had to be there at her place by myself… it uh— would have been hard.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I frowned but took my own bite, “What day are you thinking for the funeral, anyway?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Probably Thursday. Gives me time to figure out what the fuck I’m doing.” He heaved out a large sigh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After that we finished eating in silence, the few minutes drawing on into a comfortable quiet. By the look on his face, he was deep in thought, and all of my unanswered questions swirled around in my head. I needed to know what happened with my sister. Somehow she was just </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And I didn’t want him to feel pressured but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed </span>
  </em>
  <span>to know. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When we both finished he stood and grabbed our plates to take to the sink before resting his palms on the counter to look up at me. “I’m so sorry.” His voice and face were pained. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I saw the tears spring into his eyes again I shifted in my seat. “You don’t need to apologize.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I do. For so many things. Shit, for absolutely nearly everything. But I don’t even know where to start.” He leaned further into the counter. I stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. I knew that things were about to change, that whatever Ben had to say would alter things in my life drastically… and I was terrified, and anxious at the same time. I braced myself for… </span>
  <em>
    <span>whatever</span>
  </em>
  <span> was about to come. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When I was 7 years old my mom had this patient, I was close with all of her CF patients because of how often she saw them. And this lady, Kelly was amazing. She was funny and she was always giving me candy and stuff. And as a kid that was the coolest ever. So whenever I went to the clinic with my mom I hoped she was there. And well, one day she brought one of her daughters who happened to be my age, and 7-year-old me was… enamored with her. Even though Kelly had CF neither of her daughters were tested because their father was Chinese and the gene is much rarer with Chinese people so the doctors didn’t test them. But Kelly knew something was wrong with her older daughter, Paige but the doctors wouldn’t test her for CF so she brought her to my mom.” He looked down at his hands, “My mom diagnosed her and took her on to be her pulmonologist advisor even though mom wasn’t into pediatrics or anything but she was helping out as much as she could because she really liked Kelly. Hell, we all liked Kelly. She was an easy person to like.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head for a second and I stayed quiet waiting for him to continue, “So I started seeing Paige more and more, my mom tried to get her some help because all those years without any kind of treatment or nutrition really affected her health. But Kelly insisted that her younger daughter, Rose, not know. Rose didn’t have CF and Kelly was just adamant for whatever reason that Rose shouldn’t know at least for the time being. And my mom was the doctor who had to follow hippa or whatever anyways, which basically flowed over to me too.” He looked up at me and I felt my heart rate speed up, “But Paige and I got close… really close. After a couple of years, she was like my best friend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think the plan was always to tell Rose eventually when she got older… but I was a kid so I didn’t always know everything that was going on there.” He heaved a deep sigh, he looked like he had something to say and he almost worked the words around in his mouth before he looked away from me quickly, “And uh— then Kelly died. Paige was days away from her 18th birthday and she was going to age out of foster care, so my mom pulled a couple strings, talked to Cathrine because she knew they had been fostering you— anyways she worked with the system to get them to put Rose there and then told Cathrine about the older sibling who was about to age out but also needed a place to stay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head a laugher bitterly, but I saw the tears form in his eyes. “I should have known she wasn’t going to tell anyone… we were still so close— she was this childhood friend I had always wanted to get better— to protect— I cared for her so much… and I was so fucking excited that she was going to stay with Cathrine, even for a few days, because I just </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> that Cathrine would take such good care of her, and convince her to get on the transplant list or— or literally take any kind of treatment. Or </span>
  <em>
    <span>at least</span>
  </em>
  <span> Rose would finally know.” He glared down at the countertops, “I got this call, from their trust lawyer… Paige had decided to keep the secret from Rose because that’s what Kelly wanted. As soon as her 18th birthday hit she actually finally moved in with you guys… so that no one would actually tell Cathrine or Tom about her illness. Because if she had gone </span>
  <em>
    <span>through</span>
  </em>
  <span> foster care they would have been required to know.” He ran his hand through his hair, getting obviously frustrated by whatever he was about to say, “He made me sign a fucking NDA..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“At the time it didn’t seem that bad… because I really didn’t know it would last that long but I still confronted her and told her that she needed to tell you guys because she would need help paying for doctors appointments or treatment of any kind. Kelly had spent most of her money on treatment after their dad left but they still had the house and a few cars that were sold, and Paige was giving half of it to Rose which meant that she would not have money for any of it… and definitely not a transplant by the time she got to the top of the list. And the rest of the money Kelly left since she was a pretty wealthy woman as put in a trust until both of them turned 21. So I thought she was pretty fucking screwed.” A stray tear ran down his face,” And then she moved in with you and I fucking begged her not to keep this secret from you guys. I knew she needed help but she said that she was prepared to stop receiving any medical attention to protect Rose. Which is total bullshit because I’m pretty fucking sure Rose doesn’t feel very protected now, Paige.” He said bitterly and it stopped me for a second… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Paige.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He was angry, and hurt… so much so that he needed to lash out at her even now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anyways… I just wanted her to live..” his voice cracked, “And so I started trying to help her as much as I can. If no one in her life knew or was able to be there to help I was going to be there. I felt like it was my responsibility. I wanted—“ he looked up at me and worked his jaw… “I wanted to tell you… so many times but I was so consumed with trying to help her. To save her since she had all but nearly given up on herself.” He looked away from me and stayed quiet and thoughtful.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had been nibbling on the inside of my lip the whole time he spoke, “Why would she make you sign an NDA?” I asked quietly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, because it's what she thought Kelly wanted or what she thought was the best thing for Rose. And then she got attached to you guys and thought then she was protecting you.  But really I think later it came down to… she wasn’t going to get the transplant and she didn’t want to basically live in the hospital so if her family didn’t know then they wouldn’t force her to fight.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you didn’t force her to fight?” I got choked up on my words. Fighting to understand how this could go on for so long… how he could keep this from me for years. How I had no idea that he had known Paige for almost his whole life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I did. All the time I would beg her to get fucking help or to tell someone and then she would say that I couldn’t handle this and she would…” he lifted his hands in air quotes, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>let me go </span>
  </em>
  <span>and pretend like she could do this on her own and break up with me or whatever. But I couldn’t just let her die. Or let her suffer alone. My mom said she had some kind of PTSD and some kind of severe form of denial and tried to get her to see a counselor but Paige thought she was fine. She fought hard to just be </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Without help from doctors or anything. She wanted to live this normal life but I knew that time was ticking… I just didn’t know how fast.” His voice tapered off to a whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>More questions swirled in my head than we’re answered, “So, where do I fit in all of this?” His eyes flew up to meet mine and grew more pained and I immediately regretted my question. I winced, “Don't answer that. Sorry.” I shook my head and looked down, guilt flooding me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This wasn’t about me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“So that’s why you two broke up in college a few times? And that’s why you said you had to get a more stable job?” I swallowed, nervous about my next question, “That's why you said you had to get married in December and couldn’t push it back.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blinked at me but eventually nodded, “Out of high school I wanted to go to Brown or UCLA— one of the colleges with a good writing program but when I realized that Paige wasn’t going to let anyone help or anyone even know what was going on I realized I had to stay close. I— I loved her. She had been in my life since I was 7 years old. Been my best friend and just overall bright person and I wanted to help. I couldn’t just let her die.” He walked around the island to sit back in the chair across from me. “So I changed career paths, applied to Washington so I could stay in town.” He shrugged. “Became a Vice Principal. Because writing wasn’t sure, and I needed a way to pay for her doctors appointments and hospital visits and I hoped— her transplant. But she would never actually get on the list. She saw my mother occasionally but for the past year and a half, she kind of stopped that too until like 2 weeks ago when she felt bad enough to go see mom. But Leia is just a pulmonologist, she can help with the lungs but all the other shit that was fucked up in her body because she stopped taking her vitamins is on her.” He presses his lips together, “Then last night she was just in the other room and when I went to check on her she wasn’t breathing.” His voice was ragged and hurt, and sad… and so many other things I didn’t know how to fix for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe that… she made you sign an NDA. I can’t believe that my sister would do that. I can’t believe that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Paige</span>
  </em>
  <span> would do that…” I looked up at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm so sorry that we are just now getting around to this. I told Paige yesterday that I was going to tell you. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>why I said no more secrets. Because after everything it just felt like too much, like the secrets were too big.” He gave me a small, sad smile, “I guess it’s too late now. She’s dead and I let this charade of perfect health and wellness go on for so long that it legitimately killed her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You couldn’t do anything about it…. the NDA…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“—Was shit. She wasn’t going to sue me. She wasn’t going to take legal recourse towards me. I was 18 and I signed some goddamn papers damning my life and taking away my choices and I </span>
  <em>
    <span>let </span>
  </em>
  <span>it happen. I could have and should have said something. She would have never forgiven me but at least Cathrine would have or Rose would have—“ he pursued his lips, “Or you…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked away, his gaze all too honest and true for me… I didn’t know what to do with it. I felt so in the dark all the time about what he thought and how he felt, and now it was starting to make sense. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>tell me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The NDA expires next month. Her trust attorney had already reached out and all the money is still in the account. She had just left it. And now I just feel like this is all… my fault. Like I let her down and all of you down. And no I don’t know how to fucking fix it because she’s gone.” He spat angrily. He got up from his chair to walk towards the windows the tension of our conversation unfurling in him. I followed him quietly, waiting until he stood still before I got in front of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” I used the pad of my thumb to wipe away the tears in his face, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t have a choice. I understand that now. You love her and you tried to help her as much as you could but you couldn’t anymore. Because she </span>
  <em>
    <span>wouldn’t let you.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” I skimmed my fingers across his face again, “But you were good. You did everything you could to keep her alive…” I got choked on my own words and tears filled my eyes, “It’s not your fault. You loved her and you did the best you could.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was gone. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In some odd way, it felt like she had chosen this. That she was ready to die or that she didn’t fear death. And it made me mad… because while she may not have cared for her own life, she should have cared about Ben’s, or Rose’s…. or mine. And the. My mind went back to the conversation I had with Paige when she called over a month ago… she didn’t want Ben to just settle. </span>
  <em>
    <span>She </span>
  </em>
  <span>didn’t want to settle.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I had more questions… millions more maybe but I knew it wasn’t the time. My family was waiting at home for him to give them the same explanation, so that that could begin their healing process. They needed to know what happened… and they needed to know how it happened and why. Especially Rose, who had lost her mom and her sister to the same disease. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben and me right now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, I don’t know what I would do if you hated me.” He whispered, his breath cascading over my face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I could never hate you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His brows twitched, “Seemed like you did yesterday…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed, “Yesterday it felt like everything was going wrong. And I was… so terrible to Paige yesterday… I can’t even imagine. It doesn’t seem like yesterday, it feels like a year ago.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded as if he was slowly understanding, “Whatever happened with me… I’m sorry. I know I didn’t deal with this situation right. With everything with Paige or…” he hesitated, “Or anything else I guess.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was about the 100th time he had apologized that morning, “You don’t have to apologize, Ben. You—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do. I do have to apologize because you deserve more than that from your… friend.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I started feeling panicky because we were on thin ice. I hadn’t decided my feelings for Alexander and I still cared for him a lot and the sex had been amazing… and Ben— his wife just died. The line had always been blurry but it suddenly felt so thick and bold. Ben loves Paige, always had, always will. And I had moved on… started new with Alexander and he made me feel things and feel excitement that I never felt with Ben… which didn’t matter because this was about my sister. She had just passed on and Ben had to mourn her. He had chosen her and taken care of her and for that I am eternally grateful but how close we were standing and his words were a line that could not be crossed. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A lot of explanation and more to come... </p><p>Let me know what you think of everything that went down. ❤️ </p><p>Love you guys and thanks for the support.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>No longer mourn for me when I am dead</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Than you shall hear the surly sullen bell</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Give warning to the world that I am fled</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>From this vile world with vilest worms to dwell; </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nay, if you read this line, remember not</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The hand that writ it; for I love you so, </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot, </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If thinking on me then should make you woe.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>O, if (I say) you look upon this verse, </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When I (perhaps) compounded am with clay,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Do not so much as my poor name rehearse,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But let your love even with my life decay,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lest the wise world should look into your moan, </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And mock you with me after I am gone.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood in front of the mirror, inspecting myself in the mirror. The black dress I wore was modest, with a high neck and long sleeves. Seattle was cold in January, the church where the funeral was always seemed to be just as frigid as outside. I ran my hands down the length of my dress from my waist down. Behind me, I watched Ben approach me in the reflection of the mirror. “Are you ready?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded soundlessly as he came a little closer. He was directly behind me, holding my eyes through the mirror, and in my peripheral, I saw him lift his hands to my back and slowly zip up the rest of the top of my dress. His eyes held mine steadily as it reached the top and his hands smoothed over my shoulder like he was wiping dust off. “You think you’ll be okay today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes cut up from where they hand landed on his hands that still were on me and meg his gaze again. “Do you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The side of his lips twitched into a smile but it didn’t nearly reach his eyes, “I was talking about because Carter is supposed to be there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Uh— yeah, I’ll be fine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hands squeezed my arms, “If you need me… just let me know. I’m here for you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I should be the one saying that.” It came out in a whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blinked slowly and then shrugged, “You’ve already been here for me. You let me basically move in with you for the past week.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t take it anymore, his hands and his eyes on mine were too much… I felt my heartbeat racing and my skin flush. I turned on my heels and looked down at my feet as I walked towards my dresser where my jewelry was. “What was I supposed to do? Leave you out on the street?” My laugh was slightly forced, but I was trying desperately to lighten up the situation. He had affected me too much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault I gave up my apartment after the wedding so now I don’t have a place to stay unless I want to go back to Paige’s place.” He tried to smile and laugh it off but I knew it was still hard— I could see it in his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We had spent the week planning for her funeral, trying to make it just as beautiful and lovely as she was without seeming over the top. Ben had scarcely talked about her death outside of that though, always finding a way to redirect the conversation or try to make sure that he got me talking on something. But it was the moment of truth and we needed to be at the church in less than an hour.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But seriously though, are you gonna be okay seeing Carter? I know how much it hurt when he left.” He was beside my bed flipping my covers up to cover the mattress. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, Ben. I miss Carter, he was my best friend in college but I’ll be okay.” I shrugged, “Plus when he came by the house the other day to bring food I didn’t even see him. Maybe I won’t see him again.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He continued looking down as he made the bed, “And Alexander will be there.” His voice was devoid of emotion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben— this day is not about me or my past drama.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Or at least I hope not.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “This is about you and you losing your wife, someone you spent your whole life, since you were 7, caring for. And this is about my sister… honoring her memory and her life. And about Rose… because we know this is hard for her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked up and nodded at me in agreement, “The trust lawyer will be there too. Probably to let us know whoever Paige left her money to— which we know she left it to Rose.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And so he has to come to the funeral?” I sat on the edge of my newly made bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let out a breath and then sat next to me, “Well he also knew the girl since she was like 14. So maybe it’s to pay his respects.” His voice carried a bitter edge that I couldn’t place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I reached over and placed my hand on his leg, “Hey…” he looked up at me, “I’m here for you.” I echoed his words from earlier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His gaze held mine and said nothing. After a few moments, he finally gave a small nod. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We walked into the church, only about 7 minutes to spare. Leia and Han waited at the front for Ben and I waited back, searching for Rose as he went to meet them. I spotted her in the pew on the right near the front and made my way to her, sliding next to her in the pew. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey. You look beautiful.” I complimented her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked up and gave me a weak smile, “I don’t know what to say, Rey. I don’t think I can go up there.” She whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then you don’t have to. You decide what you can do… Paige wouldn’t want you to make it worse for yourself so don’t do this to please anyone but yourself.” I squeezed her hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled reassuringly, “Yes. I do.” I looked up when I saw Cathrine approach us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think I saw Alexander walk in a few minutes ago, Rey.” At her words, I turned to look over my shoulder at the doors. I saw him standing at the door looking around for me when I caught his eye. He smiled and came towards me. The spot on the other side of me was filled with him and his smiling face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey ladies. How are you doing?” He spoke to me and Rose. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright,” I answered and leaned in and gave him a soft peck on the lips. “How are you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm good.” He let out a huff and rubbed his hands down his thighs. “It’s been a wild morning.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose’s focus was on the stage— the funeral starting at any moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the preacher finally walked out onto the stage, the same one from their wedding, the room went silent, and Rose’s grip on my hand tightened. It seemed to pass in a blur— Whatever he said was not really processing in my mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige was gone.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I watched as Ben took the stage, a solemn look on his face. He cleared his throat at the podium. “Hello, all. Thank you for coming. For those of you who may not know, Paige was extremely sick. She had been for a very long time, and we didn’t know if she would ever get better on her own. Paige,” he stopped, stood still for a moment, and then continued, “Paige watched her mother die in her 40’s from an illness that she also had and she decided that she didn’t want other people she cared about to watch her die. She was really stubborn like that.” He tried to joke, and a few people around the building chuckled a little, but Rose’s face was twisted in pain. “So, for this little girl that I had known since I was 7, I set everything aside to be there for her. To help her until the bitter end. Which came much sooner than we expected and yet not at the same time. But in those years we had a lot of good times, too.” He looked down, almost like he didn’t fully believe what he was saying, “She always— wanted to have a good time with her life and be happy and live it to the fullest. So when she told me she wanted to get married I couldn’t help but oblige. And when she told me she wanted to go to Hawaii, because she had never been… I did that too.” I could tell he was starting to get choked up, “And when she told me years ago that she wanted to spend her last few years happy with her family, having fun… I gave her that as well.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose made a soft sobbing sound beside me and I felt my own tears roll down my cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Paige was fun, and happy, and always so full of life. I met her as a child and she kept that same sparkle in her eye throughout her life.” He paused and worked his jaw. After a full minute of silence, he finally continued, “She will live in all of our hearts forever.” He turned quickly and made his way off the stage and through the door behind it. I stood quickly to follow him but Alexander grabbed my wrist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked over at him confused, “He looks like he needs a minute.” He said but didn’t let go of my wrist.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just going to check on him, Alex.” I pulled my wrist free and went after Ben. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I walked through the door that led to a dark hallway, the sound of my heels clicking against the floor the only thing breaking the quiet. I saw Ben pacing, further down the hallway, running his hand through his hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben?” He turned quickly around to me, his eyes ablaze. “What’s wrong?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She started shaking his head repetitively, “I’m so fucking pissed at her. How could she fucking do this to me?” He seethes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No Rey!” He shouted and I stopped quickly, “You don’t understand. She forced me, as a fucking kid to sign papers I didn’t understand. To keep a secret that I shouldn’t have been forced to keep for her.” He started pacing again, “She used my loyalty that I felt towards her as a kid to force me to sign away my right to save her. Not only the NDA but also the DNR I had to watch her sign at fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>18</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She took away my life and my choices and everything else and wouldn’t even let me help her live.” He looked back at me, his face twisted, “How could she do that to me? And I fucking hate myself because right now I hate her. I hate her so much for putting me through all this shit.” He started crying in earnest and I walked up towards him, “I hate her so much for dying.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and held him as he cried into me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Ben. I’m so sorry.” I whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He continued to cry, his shoulders shaking as he finally let out all the pain and grief he had been processing since her death. I ran my hands down him back in soothing motions and he deflated more and more into me. Minutes passed and it seemed like with each passing second he calmed down more and more. When I felt that his crying had stopped he pulled back from my embrace slightly to look at me, “Thank you. I’m sorry for that, I don’t know what came over me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay… It’s hard and this is a hurt that has been stretched over the past 17 years.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over my features, searching, “I feel like I’ve lost everything.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gave him a reassuring look, “That's not true.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His look became more direct, and imploring, “It feels like it…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes held his and I tried to understand the meaning behind his words. But he said nothing more, I only had the look on his face to go by. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I heard noise behind me and turned to see who had walked up. “Alex, hey.” I pulled from Ben’s arms and faced Alexander, quickly. His face was clear with annoyance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I came to check on you after you didn’t come back out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to smile in hopes that the annoyed look would pass, “I’m fine. I’ll be right there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He glared over my shoulder at Ben, and I fidgeted not to turn around to check Ben’s reaction. “Alex… I’ll be right behind you.” I urged him to go on and finally, he dragged his eyes away from behind me and met my gaze. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a reassuring smile that made him finally relent and turn around. I turned back to Ben once I was sure he was leaving. Ben’s eyes stayed resolutely on Alex’s back until he disappeared. Then his eyes cut to mine with a blank look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed and tried to reach up, “Ben…” he pulled back quickly, avoiding my touch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We better get back. I don’t want Rose to think we didn’t want to hear her.” He started walking away from me and back towards the sanctuary of the church. I followed behind him after a beat, a couple of paces behind him. He pressed through the door quickly and I paused there, letting the memory of our previous conversation fall off. When I pushed the door open my eyes caught Carter’s as he sat a couple of rows behind where I had sat with Alex before. It hadn’t been that long since I had seen him last but it felt like forever. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face was cleanly shaven and his blue eyes were bright against his tan skin. I didn’t have to ask to know that he had spent a significant amount of time after our break up back in California to surf— I could just tell. The look on his face never changed, it was stuck in the same crestfallen look, and I struggled to look away. I had missed him, yes. But also it felt like I had barely thought of him. Things got crazy with my family, and Henry, and Alexander… I barely had any time to think about my recent breakup. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door closing behind me jolted me from my concentration and I jumped slightly before I quickly made my way back to my seat beside Alexander. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why does your sister’s boyfriend need </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> to comfort him? He has family or friends or something, doesn’t he?” Alexander whispered under his breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a withering glare, “His wife just died and I’m his closest friend… So no— Just me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After that I ignored him for the rest of the service, watching whoever spoke about my sister from the podium. And then once it was over I stood with the rest of my family as they came by and offered their condolences. With every passing handshake and ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ I watched Ben deflate a little more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Afterwards we were supposed to go back to Cathrine and Tom’s house with everyone from the funeral for the meal and a wake type thing but after the funeral. And the house was packed, as per usual. Everyone who had been there before at the church was all gathered in the house mingling. I stood in the back corner of the house sipping whatever drink was in my hand. Alexander had been networking with other business owners that Cathrine represented in the front parlor and Rose had been with other people who were wanting to talk with her about her sister. And I hadn’t seen Ben since I spoke with him in the hallway of the church. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw as someone approached me and I looked over to see who it was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Rey. I’m so sorry about Paige.” Carter said as he walked towards me and gave me a small side hug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Carter. Thank you.” I sent him a small smile, “I’m glad you’re here. She always </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> like you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled back, “I liked her too. She always made me feel so comfortable here.” He crossed his arms in front of him, “I heard she had Cystic Fibrosis… how did no one know? Isn’t that like… kinda hard to keep a secret or something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You would think… But uh… only Ben knew.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” He said with an understanding nod. “That makes more sense.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a look, “What does that mean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at me like he was thinking on his words. “It means... that I never understood why Ben was with her when it was obvious he was head over heels in love with you.” He shrugged, “But now it does.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I looked down at my hands, “That’s not true.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You really think that?” He asked softly; so full of honesty that I had to look back up at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a moment of looking at him, I sent a small smile, “It was good to see you, Carter. Thank you for coming.” I stepped away to walk to get another drink. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We were friends once, I’m only warning you as a friend… “ I turned back to look at him from a few paces away, “Rose would never forgive you. If you were with him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not with Ben.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe not right now. But he will eventually pursue you… like he’s wanted to for a long time now… and Rose </span>
  <em>
    <span>will not</span>
  </em>
  <span> forgive you. It doesn’t matter that he was with Paige out of a sense of childhood loyalty or sense of responsibility, she won’t care. She will only see you as the person who dated her sister’s husband. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Your </span>
  </em>
  <span>sister’s husband.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His words sank through my skin, I felt my fings twitch on my empty glass, “Thank you for coming, I know Cathrine and Rose will be pleased to see you.” I said, my voice dripped with sarcasm and darted out like poison. I turned and walked away to find Alexander before Carter could say anything else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben intercepted me before I could make my way to the parlor, “Hey, the trust lawyer is here. He wants to see us.” His hand rested on my back and I felt hyper-aware of the eyes on us after Carter’s warning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He wants to see us now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I’ve already sent Tom to get Cathrine and Rose. We’re meeting in the office.” His eyes flicked up behind me, “Did you just speak with Carter?” I tensed as his eyes continued to hold on Carter’s profile behind me. “What did he have to say?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pulled away from him and headed in the direction of Tom’s office. “Nothing. Let’s go, they’re probably waiting on us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When we arrived in the office a man in a black suit stood leaned back slightly on the desk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Summers, Mr. Solo.” He greeted like we were old friends and I felt my skin crawl. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stansil.” I corrected.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, yes. I was told that you took on your foster parent’s last name a few years ago.” He nodded as if he caught himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We walked slowly into the room finding a seat in the large office. A few moments later Rose, Cathrine, and Tom walked in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Great! Seems like we’re all here.” He turned towards his briefcase on his desk and I glanced over at Ben who stood leaning against the window sill. Our eyes met and one of his eyebrows cocked in a look to reference the pudgy man who was clearly far too cheerful for a wake. “Ms. Tico was very thorough in her wishes, as I’m sure you all realize now. She knew her death was coming and she made it clear as to what is to be done after the time came.” When he turned back around he produced several envelopes in his hands. “I have one of these for each of you and then one that she wanted for everyone in her family to read.” He walked around the room to each of us and handed a labeled envelope to every person, one at a time. When he came to me I gingerly took the white envelope holding it like it would burst into flames at any moment. “And I thought maybe I would read this last one out loud.” He held up the final envelope before he tore the seal and pulled out papers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a final clear of his throat, he began to read the words of my sister, </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear Family,</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I know that you’re all probably angry with me or with Ben… Or both. And I know you may find this all so dramatic but I promise I have thought about these words—  these letters for a long time. And I knew I would never get to tell you in person so this was my chance. When I found out my diagnosis at 7 years old which according to most doctors was 7 years too late, I didn’t understand the severity of the situation. I knew my mother was really sick but I had no clue, in my childish brain, that this would be what killed her. I was just sure that she would make it. As I got older and I felt my own struggles to breathe or to live a normal life, fear started to creep in. So at my mother’s request I kept the secret. By the time my mom died, it was way too late to tell Rose… who had just lost her mother and did not need to know how close behind my mother I was. Rose was going to live a normal life. I would be sure of it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben, in all his sweetness and overwhelming sense of duty, decided to be my caretaker. He begged me to get help and to get a transplant or anything to help. I tried not to crush him when I found out I would never be able to survive a transplant. When they told me that just before my mother died I knew I had to keep it a secret. And then I came into your wonderful home. You took my sister and me in and called us your daughter, sister-— girlfriend. I will never be able to thank you enough for that. Because it made me feel comfortable with the road ahead in my life. I knew that you would take care of Rose. And give her all kinds of love. Because I love my sister so deeply. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If I had 1 dying request it would be; Please don’t hate me. I know it may feel easy… but I did what I thought was best at the time for an 18-year-old girl who just lost her mother. Especially you Ben-– I cost you the most… please find a way to not hate me forever. I didn’t mean to take so much of your life and happiness. I love you, and I hope you know that. I hope you all know that. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And because I am dead and high maintenance, I will make 1 more dying request… Be happy. You will move on from this in time and I want to die knowing that you will all be happy. You hopefully will each also receive a letter made just to you. Please read it, when you find the right time. If you can’t read it right now, I understand but I hope you can read it one day and be able to remember all the happy things in life and how happy I was. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because you all made me happy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you all more than life.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yours truly, </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige. </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't think I have anything to say so... LOL</p><p>Probably be updating on Saturday so look out for that.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I had to split this original chapter into 2 chapter because it was hella long. So... take that as you will...</p><p>But that is why you are getting an update a day early! Happy Christmas.</p><p> </p><p>... and before you say anything... yes, yes I did up the chapter count. Don’t judge me 👀</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>2 months later </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rey! Did you use all the milk?” I stirred from my spot on the bed with a groan, “I’ll take that as a yes. Do you want to go out for breakfast?” I sighed and slipped out of the bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was writing Ben, you bothered me.” I grumbled as I entered the kitchen. The air chilled enough to where I needed socks to walk around in the house. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, but it’s breakfast time. You’ve been writing since 6am. And I’m hungry.” He smiled from his spot at the island counter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you want to go get food or stay in?” I asked, trying to sound irritated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned. “We’ll since there’s no milk… I would say go out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I groaned, “Fine. But it’s finally starting to get less than freezing tits cold and I want to walk around. So be ready for that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His brow curled, “Can’t you walk around with Alexander?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alex is with his mom and step dad this weekend.” I reminded him with a hand on my hip. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right, right. I forgot. His mom wanted to go to St. Helen.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I slid him the side eye. Ben had been respectful, and good with everything with Alexander. He tried to keep the ire out of his tone but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben and Alex did not like each other. I knew that. After the day at the funeral and after Ben just kind of never left my house Alexander was ruthless. Where Ben and Carter shared an awkward friendship— Ben and Alex shared blaring hatred. But Ben kept it under wraps in my presence, at least. Alex took every opportunity to annoy Ben or rattle him when they </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> have to be together, and Ben tried to avoid him which mostly came off as broody— which was very on brand for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But other than that things were calm. I never noticed their hatred too much except for Alexander’s complaining about Ben being at my house. Ben on the other hand tried to always seem okay. Even when I knew he was not. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to go change real quick, I’ll be back and then we’ll go.” I went to my room to get into warmer clothes and by the time I came back he was on the phone waiting for me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah that sounds fine. I’ll see you later this evening then.” He paused for a second, “Okay, Bye.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked at him and cocked my eyebrow in question, “Who was that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My mother,” he said dryly, “She’s worried about me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah. She thinks you quitting your job is the sign of an early mid life crisis.” I looked over at him with a sarcastic look, “Makes sense.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Surprisingly, no. She thinks that me putting my resignation at the school is a step of healing. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But</span>
  </em>
  <span> she thinks that me not cashing Paige’s money is a sign that I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> healing.” He sent me an annoyed look as he held open the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She could be right.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I don’t want Paige’s money. I don’t think that means I’m not healing.” We started walking down the hallway towards the elevator, “I think Rose should have it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but Paige gave it to</span>
  <em>
    <span> you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face grew cold, “And if I don’t want it?” He looked over at me with his head bent down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked at him for a beat and then shrugged, “Then you don’t have to use it. I think your mom just wants you to be okay. She’s just checking on you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know. But I’m okay.” He said and looked up at the number in the elevator as it went down. “It’s been 2 months.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s no real time limit on grief.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face was blanked, and he just blinked at the wall until he looked over at me and a smile grew on his face. “Do you think me quitting my job is a sign of an early midlife crisis?” The doors opened and he leaned up from the wall, “You brought it up pretty easily.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No actually I think l that you being a vice principal in the first place sounds like a midlife crisis.” I snickered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ouch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s nothing wrong with being a vice principal, but… you being one?” I winced for effect, “It seems like a crime.” I froze when we exited the building. “Wait— where are we going?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh— I thought we were going to pike? Like usual.” He sent me a confused look.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay... Are we walking?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure. If you’re up for it.” He waited for me, like he expected me to take a few moments to decide. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I narrowed my eyes and looked over his face. Something felt off. Ben’s face still looked pretty empty and his eyes blank but something didn’t feel right. I searched his face to find whatever was sending an uneasy feeling to my stomach. I finally shook it off and tried to continue walking in the right direction. “So you’re going to your mom’s tonight?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded and pulled up to walk beside me, “Yeah. I may stay there tonight.” His face stayed resolutely forward, “So you’d have your apartment back for yourself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt my heart drop slightly at his words, “Oh.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I didn’t know if I wanted that, </span>
  </em>
  <span>“You don’t have to do that just for me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I know Alex has been trying to come over forever so he’ll finally get his wish. Without me there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But Ben—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I saw a tick in his jaw, “It’s fine, Rey. It’s not awkward anymore. I’ll just go stay at my parents house.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked down at my feet and the black combat boots I wore on them, “You could always get your own place. Use Paige’s money. You don’t have to stay with me.” My voice was soft. I didn’t really want Ben to move out. I had gotten used to the company and companionship. The idea of him finding his own place made me sick to my stomach for reasons I did not understand. I was used to living by myself— I liked it even; so the idea of being attached to living with someone who had never spent a moment thinking about me scared the shit out of me. I had spent over a year trying to come to terms with the fact that Ben and I would never be together… and now I was at the realization… and I was with Alexander who I genuinely wanted to be with and yet… I couldn’t bear the idea of Ben moving out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to move out?” He looked over with a pensive look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nibbled on the front of my lip and considered my words. I wasn’t sure where the line was anymore. It could be there line had been crossed when he stayed the night after Paige’s death, or the week after… Or the 2 months after. “No.” It was a whisper… but it must have been enough for him because I saw a slight release of tension from his face and he let out a sigh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I prefer your spare bedroom for now, if that’s okay.” His face was always blank, always so empty and his eyes nearly always cold. After living with him for 2 months it still felt most of the time like I couldn’t understand a thing he said or read a thing he did. It was difficult. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And something still felt off. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gave a weak smile, “Yeah. Okay.” I wrapped my arms around my chest, “But maybe you should actually get your stuff and move in then. Instead of going back and forth for clothes every week or so.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent me a funny look, “So you’re okay with me like...moving in?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I enjoy the company.” I lamely replied. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled, “Okay then.” His hands stuffed deep in his pockets but his shoulders were set back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We walked like that, throwing out bits of small talk as we got out croissants and coffees. Pike was at its usual roaring state. Even though the spring chill was still in the air it almost was like no one really cared. They were sitting out and chatting like it was nearly summer. But it wasn’t— it was March. And while Seattle was always busy—always— it always somehow got more busy the warmer it got. The coffee in Seattle was famous for obvious reasons, but so was the breakfast food. People went out of their way to have bagels and donuts and breakfast during the weekends. Which was just another thing I loved about this city. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s a lot of people out today.” I mused. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked up from his focus on his croissant sandwich and looked around briefly, “Uh, Yeah. I guess. Probably ‘cause it’s a little warmer. Like you said earlier.” His response was said lamely and once again I was filled  with the uneasy feeling like something was wrong with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I titled my head to the side in question, “Is something wrong? You’re acting strange.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took a bite of his sandwich, “Everything’s fine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t sound very convincing.” I took a step towards him to nearly force him to look at me. “What’s wrong Ben?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The moment his eyes met mine he stepped back. “Nothing.” He pressed a little more forcefully this time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I grabbed his wrist out of instinct, “Then why won’t you look at me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were pointed directly over my head and I watched as he shifted his feet. Then he finally sighed and his eyes found mine. “Ben… what’s up?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pursed his lips, “One year ago today… you told me you had feelings for me.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “And we fought. And I said a bunch of things in anger that I definitely shouldn’t have said… and you left for San Diego a few days later.” His brows furrowed as he looked at me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your anniversary,” I breathed. “Ben I’m so sorry I forgot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not… just about that. I—“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Reylin,” I heard a voice say from behind me as I turned around quickly, my hearts instantly stopping. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Henry.” It came out significantly more terrified and shocked than I thought it would and every muscle in my body tensed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t like how I remembered him at all. His face was aged and rugged. I could see the effects of the years of drug use had taken its toll on him. His hair was not it’s usual shoulder length mess but more polished and trimmed. He looked healthy, yet terrifying at the same time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I heard you liked coming here.” He looked around appraising it. “Especially on sundays.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck?” I spat, taken back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who’s this? I didn’t know you came here with anyone in particular.” His eyes fell on Ben behind me who I felt anger radiating off of in waves. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you here?” Ben rounded house beside me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry sent him a dirty look, “And who are you, boy?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It doesn’t matter who I am. My question is why are you here and how did you find her?” Ben’s head tilted to the side. “And that was not meant to be a rhetorical question.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry smiled. Seriously fucking smiled. “I should get to see my daughter whenever I want to.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck?” I echoed my sentiments from earlier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry’s attention turned back to me, “You never called me back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because I didn’t want to.” I seethed. “I blocked your number because I do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> want to speak to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re my daughter, Reylin.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No I’m fucking not.” I spat. “And you do not get to call me that.” I turned to stomp away, not wanting anything to do with him or this conversation any longer when I felt his own calloused and dry hand grab on to my wrist which yank me back towards him. I wheeled back around but came to get a face full of Ben’s back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let go of her.” His voice was deep and angry. I felt a shiver run down my spine at the intensity of it. “Now.” He punctuated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry’s fingers dropped my wrist like it burned him. “Fine. But I’m not giving up. I want to have a relationship with you Reylin.” He tried to speak around the brick wall that was Ben. “I’ll do what I can to be in your life.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben sidestepped him to block me fully from Henry’s visions again. “Showing up and ambushing her is not the way to do that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry’s glare turned malicious and turned to Ben. “And for the third time… who are you again?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m Ben. And any time in the future that you want to contact her... do it the right way. Or I will press charges.” He turned and gently grabbed my arm as he walked away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you alright?” He asked once we were a few paces away. His face had a worried look on it and I wanted to set aside my anxiety about the situation to ease his concerns but they still swarmed in my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did he even find me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben shook his head and ire grew in his eyes, “I can’t believe he fucking showed up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like… I seriously don’t know how he knew we would be here. It’s freaking me out.” I said, and the panic started to rise in my voice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey— Rey…” He turned towards me and we stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, “He shouldn’t have been there. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how he found you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded despondently. Still feeling in shock. “Let’s go home. Apparently all the crazies decided to come out today.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder to give me a squeeze before we walked back towards the house. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seeing my father had shaken me. I wasn’t sure how to process the fact that that was the first time I had seen him since I was 11— when he left. Time had caught up with him in an ugly way and the look in his eyes was something I didn’t even recognize. The man that had been my father in my childhood had morphed into a monster in my head and now he was just a guy… a guy I didn’t know. He terrified me like a man I didn’t know who was randomly following me around, but this time it was worse; I didn’t know how he was finding me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben, I don’t want him to know where I live.” I said suddenly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over at me with a concerned face. He blinked for a few seconds and then nodded at me. He understood what I wasn’t saying. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I didn’t want him to follow us</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Okay. Come with me to Tacoma. We can get an Uber.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To your parents? No. I don’t want to intrude on your night with them.” I shook my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey— Are you kidding? I’m not letting you go home by yourself. We’ll stop at Target in Federal Way on the way for some clothes. And we’ll stay the night. My parents will be happy to see you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben. I’m not going to your parents… they wanted to see you and spend time with you…” I trailed off awkwardly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey,” he sent me a glare, “I’m not joking. I’m not letting you go home by yourself and I don’t want to lead him there. And I already told you, my parents will be happy to see you. So just please don’t fight me on this just to be nice. If you don’t want to go, that’s a different story. But if you think for one second that everyone there isn’t more than happy that you would be there then you’re wrong.” He paused a moment, “Including me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>__</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Hours later we walked through the door of his parents Victorian style home with target bags in hand. Ben led me through the house towards the living room where I heard the soft noise of music playing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mom. We’re here.” He called out. I walked behind him quickly, trying to keep up with his long stride. I had never been to Han and Leia’s place but the clearly expensive and large Tacoma residence was decorated in the same sporadic quirkiness that I identified with Leia. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey guys! You 2 made it quick. I wasn't expecting you for another hour at least. Especially with a target run.” Leia rounded the corner, a pair of reading glasses on the edge of her nose. “I got you two an extra air mattress in the spare bedroom. You can have it in there or in the living room, it’s up to you.” She walked up to Ben and wrapped him in a hug. He tried to get his arms around her but ended up holding them out so the bags didn’t touch her back. She pulled back and patted his shoulders, “Happy anniversary, Benny. I’m so sorry.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt the raw emotion and grit in her voice and struggled to keep my own composure. I had forgotten all about it. Not once, but twice. It was a testament to how truly selfish and stupid I was, really. To forget something so important right after he told me. Even if we were just goofing around in Target, pelting each other with throw pillows. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks mom, I'm doing okay. I know we’re here kind of early but I figured we could use the time away from the city.” He turned and sent me a pointed smile. Ben had decided that we shouldn’t tell anyone about my meet up with Henry, and start looking for someone who may have been the one to tell him where I would be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a small smile in return. “I need to go make a call. I’ll be back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I weaved my way towards the room that Leia pointed out and started dialing before I sat on the bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey what’s up?” Alexander’s voice greeted me through the phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, uh— looks like I will not be able to hang out tonight. I’m sorry.” I frowned as if he could see me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? Why? I was about to head to your house.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well I’m in Tacoma. Uh— Ben’s parents live here and they invited me for dinner.” I lied. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>parents. Are you serious, Rey?” His voice stretched. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s Ben and Paige’s anniversary and I think that’s probably what they’re celebrating.” I rushed out to add. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed, “I just don’t understand why you feel the need to hang out with him all the time when I haven’t seen you in days. And you told me this morning you might have the apartment to yourself.” I struggled to find a response that would help placate the situation. He let out another deep breath, “It’s fine. It’s whatever… I just miss you. I haven’t seen you in day and I just want to fucking kiss you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At that time Ben walked into the room, shopping bags in tow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yesh, I’m sorry babe. I miss you too.” At that Ben’s head whipped towards me and he gave me a nasty look once he realized who I was on the phone with. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I see you tomorrow after work?” Alex asked through the phone but my focus had been taken by how Ben was starting to set up the air mattress. “I have some things I want to talk about regarding the book.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That caught my attention, “What about it?” Ben looked to me at the weird lilt in my voice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was just going over some stuff I feel like we should go over. We can meet after you get off. Just come over to the house.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben sat next to me on the edge of the Ben and looked at me while I talked, “Okay well I got to go. But I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye.” I ended the call and tossed the phone on the bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did he want?” Ben asked as he absentmindedly pet a small calico cat that was weaved around his feet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um, I was just letting him know that I wouldn’t be home tonight. So he wouldn’t be able to come over.” I shrugged, “And then he said he had some stuff to talk about for the book.” He sent me a look out of the tops of his eyes. “Okay, okay. I know you think it’s weird.” I laughed, “But I promise it’s not that weird.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Only one quick question…” and playful look came onto his face, “Are you two </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually</span>
  </em>
  <span> dating or does sex and inappropriate working relationships suddenly count as dating and I didn’t know it?” I gawked at his bruising tease. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are so rude!” I shoved him with a laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let me push him over a little bit but sat back up not too long after. “Hey! No rough housing.” He chastised jokingly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why not? You deserve it…” I crossed my arms in front of my chest and scrunched my nose. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrow quirked, “Don't be a brat, Rey. You won’t enjoy the outcome.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breath caught in my chest. The innuendo was there. The implication was just </span>
  <em>
    <span>there</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “How would </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> know?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At this, his head turned a little bit more towards me and his eyes narrowed slightly in a predatory way—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I heard Rey was here.” Han’s loud voice boomed through the house and I jumped, pulling me from my thoughts. I lifted to my feet to go meet Han, needing to get some space from Ben and his searching eyes. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So this story is progressing but yes... our two kids are avoiding and evading a lot of things. Which is very normal in stages of grief. And both of them have a lot to grieve even outside of Paige. </p><p> </p><p>But I do have an announcement... </p><p>On June 19th I will be posting a spinoff of this story in Ben’s point of view. It’s called “Teach Me How To Live” and it will show key events and moments that are important to Ben so that we can see it through his eyes. If you would like to read that... be looking for that next week! </p><p>Thank you so much for all your support. The next update will probably be Sunday! But it could be earlier at the rate I’m editing at. ;)</p><p> </p><p>Per request.... <br/>https://ko-fi.com/fearthefaithful</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Continuation of last chapter! </p><p>This chapter is dedicated to the group chat that’s going on for TMHTL (I’m sure they’ll let you in if you want to theorize with them) I LOVE YOU GUYS</p><p>And to Tom... because apparently Tom doesn’t get enough screen time.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I jogged around the corner until I reached Han and gave him a hug. “Han! It’s great to see you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You too kiddo, been too long.” His eyebrows raised, “I don’t think you’ve ever been to the house, have you?” When I shook my head he grinned, “Well, welcome to our home. It was Leia’s dream house. We’ve lived here for years.” He pulled back to look down the hall where I bounded in from, “What you two gonna do today?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. I don’t want to impose on you guys’ day with Ben—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He cut me off, “Nonsense. We’re happy you’re here.” He leaned in, “Especially me. Someone who actually appreciates cars. Wanna see the old gal?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laughed, “Yeah, lets go.” I followed him out the door to his garage where his old roadster sat. “When does the new one come in?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, next year some time. I’ve had my reservation in for years now.” He sent me a smirk, “So I ought to be somewhere close to the top of the list.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled at him and felt the warm feeling of familiarity and safeness in my chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had </span>
  <em>
    <span>missed </span>
  </em>
  <span>Han.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How’ve you been, kid?” He asked once we got into the garage. “I heard you had some douchey boyfriend these days.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled in my chest, “And who did you hear that from?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smirked, “I’m not supposed to tell you who it was.” He leaned forward like he had a secret, “But it rhymes with Ren.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, well Alexander’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> douchey.” My voice was full of humor. “And you met him at brunch a couple months ago.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” he rolled his eyes, “Well I don’t know much. Only that he’s publishing your book and Ben doesn’t like him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben doesn’t like anyone.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well he seems to like you an awful lot to want to live with you.” I tried not to let my reaction show at his words. “Or at least kinda live with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pointedly avoided that comment, “Alexander is publishing my book and we’re sort of dating,” I shrugged, “But he’s a great guy. I like him. He’s cocky sometimes but so is Ben… so I’m not entirely sure about the douchey comment. But he is a good guy and can be super sweet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well Ben was always super protective of you… that’s probably all.” He huffed a laugh, “Hell— In high school he used to get so worked up about your court hearings. Couldn’t sleep until he was sure you’d be okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My hands fell down toward the hood of the car to run my fingers along the bright paint… trying not to really think about what he just said. “This is a beautiful car. It feels weird that I haven’t seen it in so long.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s it been? Your senior year?” It’s like he either didn’t notice or didn’t mind my subject change. Either way, I was thankful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, probably that.” I smiled. About that time the door of the garage opened and Ben and his large frame walked through.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben! Great. You joined us. We were just talking about how Rey went to Bellingham instead of staying in Seattle for college.” He sent me a patronizing smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben winced, “Yeah I don’t know if I can help with that.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets, “Rey tends to do what she wants to do.” He barrow his eyes playfully at me when Han turned away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I left for the writing program.” I lied. It was completely untrue because—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“University of Washington has a way better writing program. That we worked hard to get you in.” Points were made. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben looked over at me, “He’s right, you know? He did work hard to get you accepted into the program and then you decided to go to western.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My anger flared slightly. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> why I went to western. Or at least… he should know. “Well it’s okay, a lot of us make snap decisions at the age of 18 that end up being bad ones… don’t we?” I sassed. His face fell at my words, and guilt flooded me. Today was their anniversary… and instead of being a good friend, I brought up the past. “Ben, I’m—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, Rey.” He said looking over with pursed lips at his dad. I felt my stomach churn. “Dad, you mind if I take your car to pick up food? Haven’t driven it in a while, and mom’s wanting Chinese take out for lunch.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han looked at him for a moment, “Yeah, sure. You and Rey go pick up the food in the roadster.” He sent him a warning look, “But you better not get a scratch on it.” He pointed the key at both of us before handing it over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Ben— I’m sorry. I— didn’t mean what I said. I’m sorry. I know today is your— anniversary…” I apologized when we got in the car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled the car from the garage and started down the road. “It’s fine, Rey.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s not. It’s a sensitive day and I wasn’t being— sensitive.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t need you to be sensitive, Rey.” He snapped, “I’m fine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You keep saying that.” I turned to him but his focused glare was on the road, “But something is wrong, I noticed it earlier today. And I just want you to be here. I just want to be here for you.” He turned to look at me sharply, “— as a friend.” I finished with a breath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well… I'm okay, Rey. But I don’t know if I really want to talk about it.” He let out a sharp breath through his nose, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>—as a friend.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I huffed but turned back forward in my seat. “Fine.” And my arms crossed over my chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes, “Don’t be a brat, Rey. We already went over this.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop with your empty threats, Ben. If I want cheeky I’ll call Alex.” I snarled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He glared icily at me, “You want to bring Alex into this, seriously?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Okay, fine. But I am just trying to be your friend and we’re arguing again like—“ I cut myself off and sucked in a breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“—Like last year? A year ago? He filled in, “Or when you came home with a boyfriend you didn’t need but made you feel comfortable. So you could avoid your real problems.” He paused, “Except this one genuinely sucks ass. At least Carter wasn’t a complete dick.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gawked at him with a choked, shocked, laugh, “I’m gonna let that slide because—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“—Because it’s my anniversary with Paige? Or because you’re scared I’m gonna lose it?” He sent me a fake smile, “I think you should worry about your own personal life, Reylin.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben, will you shut the fuck up with your comments about my personal life?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned to me at a red light, his eyes blazing. “Watch yourself, Rey. I’ve warned you twice now about being a brat. I won’t do it again.” I immediately stopped in my tracks, a tingling sensation running down my spine. His eyes were hot on mine and his body screamed intensity. I took in a quick breath through my nose. My throat felt dry, and I swallowed to try and relieve the dryness. I was flung further back in my seat as he gassed the car when the light turned green. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sat in silence for a little bit, trying to let the warm sensation in my stomach go away a little bit. Ben had never spoken to me like that before, in that tone— except a little that night when he came to visit in Bellingham… when I walked out of the house… but we were both really drunk, so I sort of wrote it off. Especially after what happened afterwards. I shifted in my seat to try and relieve some of the pressure I felt coming from the juncture between my legs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So… What are we gonna do about Henry?” He inquired while we pulled into the Chinese restaurant parking lot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed again as I tried to pull myself together, “Uh— I don’t know.” I cleared my throat a little bit. “I think he got the memo. Hopefully he’ll realize I don’t really want him around.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My question is—“ he threw the car in park, “How did he know where we like to go on Sundays?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think that’s the weirdest thing of all to me. First of all, what’s he doing in town and second of all… how would he know what my weekend routine is?” I stepped out of the car about the same time as him, “Come to think of it… now I’m wondering how he got my number a couple months ago.” He looked at me contemplatively, “Before everything that happened with Paige…” I paused as I realized something, “And Alexander... huh. That was a long week.—Crazy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want my advice?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked over at him dryly, “About Alex?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About Henry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Yeah, please.” I nodded him on as we walked through the doors. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you should look into a restraining order. And then you would see and meet him on </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> time. Whenever you’re ready to hear what he has to say. But I Think him showing up today really shook you. And I don’t want him to have that kind of control over you.” He reaches into his back pocket to pull out his wallet, “But again, that’s just my advice.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re right… I want it to be on my terms.” I flattened my lips, “I’ll look into it for sure. I don’t know if I ever even </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to see him. But if I do I definitely want it to be when I want it, not just… randomly in Pike Place.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think he’s dangerous?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gnawed on my lips, “I don’t think so… but I haven’t seen him since I was 11. So I’m not really sure… Do you think he’s dangerous?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent me a grim smile, “I think anyone who scares you as much as he did today… is dangerous.” He leaned forward on the counter and ordered the food but I couldn’t concentrate. That day felt confusing. Too many things happened, too many emotions flooded me. It had been a year since this all started with Ben in the first place… which felt insane because it felt like a lifetime ago. We had lived together for nearly 2 months with no arguments or disagreements or anything. And then it was like the anniversary happened and some of the similar feelings and conflict from a year ago, surfaced… but this time— there was no Paige.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time we made it back to the house for lunch, it was almost 2pm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mom— we got the food!” Ben called as we walked through the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She rounded the corner quickly with a grin, approaching us, “Awesome! Sorry I’m not more of a chef, kids. On Saturdays I just like my takeout or delivery options for lunch. But I’ll make you something wonderful for dinner.” She singsonged the last line. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We followed her into the dining room where she started laying out the bags and the containers of food. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you two got clothes from target, yeah? Do you need anything else?” Leia asked, lifting her fork to her mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think we’re okay. Thanks for having us though. It’s nice to get out of Seattle. Even if it’s just half an hour.” Ben smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course. We’re glad to have you both.” She turned to me, “Now, Rey, tell me about your book. Ben won’t tell me a thing about it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to smile through the mouth full of food I had and then swallowed, “Uh— it’s just a book. Nothing too special about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That can’t be true, because it’s getting published.” She chided. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well… I enjoy writing romance so, I supposed I just compare that to normal books with deep philosophical meaning…” I shrugged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not everything has to have a deep philosophical meaning. Some things are just fun.” She winked, “For instance— I still like to watch I Love Lucy… because it’s fun.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lips pulled in a smile, “Very true.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So what’s the timeline for it to go to print?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um, I’m not entire sure actually,” I ran my tongue over my teeth, “I’m supposed to meet with Alexander about it tomorrow so… hopefully I’ll know more then.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh yes. I forgot he was publishing your book.” She glanced over at Ben, “And Ben, what are </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> going to do? School year is almost up and then you’ll be out of a job.” She blinked, “Because you quit.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed and leaned back, “I quit because I don’t want to be a Vice Principal anymore. I only did that to help with Paige’s bills for the transplant…” he glared at Leia, “That she couldn’t get.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Son, I said I was sorry. She didn’t give me permission to disclose information to you. I could lose my medical license. I tried to convince her to tell you.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah— you keep saying that.” He rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m serious, Ben. What’s your plan? I’m worried about you.” She placed a hand on her heart, and even I could feel the extra dramatization in her words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m considering applying where Rey works actually.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head swiveled over to look at him, “Really?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded slowly, “Yeah, not in your department or anything but I really want to be an agent for authors and read manuscripts so I can represent them to help them get published.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another breathy smile grew on my face. “Ben that's great! You would be so good at it. I could talk to—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lifted his hand to cut me off, “No, I don’t want you to talk to Charles. I want to apply as normal and get it as normal.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My smile grew further and I watched as Leia reached across the table to grab his hand, “I’m so proud of you.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Me too</span>
  </em>
  <span>, “And I'm glad you’re finally doing something for you.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Me too</span>
  </em>
  <span>, “I know today might be hard… but you sacrificed a lot for her. And I think it’s okay to be a little bit selfish now…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>— </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stared at the painted pastel green ceiling of the room with my hands resting on my rib cage. I had been laying there, trying to go to sleep for a while, but my brain wouldn’t stop running. It was late, probably 1 am, and even though I had called in for the next day to be off work, and Ben was on spring break, we tried to go to sleep at a decent hour. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben?” I whispered tentatively. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you still awake?” His voice was gruff and quiet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just… can’t sleep.” I turned on my side to look over at him where he was laying on the air mattress to the right of the bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I heard him sigh in the darkness, “Me either.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed and tried to find the courage to say the words that had been floating through my head, “When did you and Paige start officially dating?” My voice was barely a whisper. I was terrified to ask but I needed to know. And the later it got the braver I became. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was silent for a few moments, “I don’t know if we ever started officially dating.” He kept his gaze on the ceiling, but I was looking over his face, waiting for him to continue. “I had a crush on her when I was younger but… I quickly realized in my teen years that I wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>in</span>
  </em>
  <span> love with her. Not really. But I loved her so much and had this connection from childhood with her that we fell into this relationship and everyone started saying we were dating so we just went along with it.” My chest tightened fiercely at his words, “She wasn’t in love with me either. But we loved each other so much and were so afraid of— of her dying... that it just felt easier to try and help her and date… or whatever.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“You weren’t in love with her?” My voice was small. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over at me, “She wasn’t in love with me either.” He repeated. Like I needed to hear it again. His eyes turned back to the ceiling. “We both knew that. But we did love each other.” I clenched my hands and unclenched them, turning back to lay on my back, “We didn’t realize how much we </span>
  <em>
    <span>weren’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> in love until later though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was quiet, trying to think of my words… but not sure how to even respond to that. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over at me, “Don’t be. It’s not your fault I made those choices.” His voice got a little quieter, “I was 18 and I thought I was doing the right thing. Taking responsibility.” He paused and held my gaze. “Did you read her letter yet?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” I whispered somewhat remorsefully. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to do it yet. “Have you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let out a loud breath, “Yeah. I did. This morning.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. I’m so sorry…” I fidgetted… trying to contain my curiosity but failing miserably. “What did it say?” I wasn’t even sure he heard me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It said… that she loved me. And I had been her best friend and her biggest supporter and that she’ll never be able to thank me enough… and so on… all to say that she’s sorry, and she regrets the space that came between us.” He shook his head slightly, “It kinda pissed me off honestly.” I could tell there were things he wasn’t telling me about it but I didn’t want to press it too far. “When are you going to read yours?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I huffed out a sharp breath through my nose, “When I can… look at it without crying, screaming, or feeling guilty.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. You didn’t really get closure with her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked back at the ceiling, “Neither did you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I say something?” He whispered. I didn’t even bother responding, I just waited for him to continue. “Last year… when I found out how you felt, that’s how I really knew that I would never be </span>
  <em>
    <span>in love</span>
  </em>
  <span> with her… Because if I was really in love with her I couldn’t be so hopeful for a life outside of her.” </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Weeeelllll things are heating up a little bit, eh?</p><p>Follow me on tumblr for a good update schedule... Fearthefaithful1</p><p>And if you want to buy me coffee during my late nights of writing.... <br/>https://ko-fi.com/fearthefaithful 🖤🖤</p><p>Love you guys.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A little short 👀 but that will be made up for next chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I took a sip from the frozen drink sitting in front of me and plucked a broken chip from the tortilla chip bowl at the center of the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You seem to be working a lot! Everytime I call it seems like you’re at work or with Alex.” Rose laughed. She raised her beer glass to her lips. The bar section of the restaurant we were in was full and lively but we sat close, her boyfriend, Finn, was sitting on the other side of her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am. I honestly feel like I haven’t even seen Alexander that much.” I smiled slightly, “But just like you. You two love birds got engaged… and couldn’t even bother to call me.” I chided. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn was the one who responded this time, “Well, in our defense we were too busy being happy and getting drunk to send anyone a text.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For 3 days?” I deadpanned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose winced, “Actually, yeah. We kinda… went on like a 3 day drinking binge.” She lifted her glass in mock cheers, “They say you only live once.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A 3 day drinking binge?” I repeated in shock, “How do either of you have livers right now?” If I drank for 3 days straight I would sleep for the next 6 weeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both laughed, “Well when you go to Cancun you can’t just decline the free drinks at the all inclusive resort.” Finn replied. “Obviously.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Obviously.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>I echoed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And anyways, we got engaged! And the margaritas were flowing! We couldn’t just stop.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I reached forward and placed my fingers on Rose’s hands, “I’m so happy for you guys. Really.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her smile turned from joking to genuine at my earnest words. “Thank you.” Her eyes filled with emotion, “In Paige’s letter, she told me to live my life to the fullest. With no regrets or things I didn’t do because I was scared.” She turned her palm up and grabbed my hand, “I wanna keep that promise.” Her gaze turned over to Finn with a lovin expression, “And I was terrified of what I felt for him or how fast it felt like our relationship was going but I just </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew </span>
  </em>
  <span>I wanted to be with him… and she would want me to take that chance.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn’s arm wrapped around her shoulders and he squeezed her to him and kissed her cheek, “I love you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did I miss?” Ben asked while sliding into the booth to my right. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned my neck to look at him, “Oh not much. Just Rose and Finn being in love. And gooey.” Ben's face turned into a wince and his eyes widened, feigning relief for missing the conversation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose rolled her eyes, “Whatever. I was talking about Paige and her letter. That’s not even about Finn.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but you made it about him.” I pointed out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her nose scrunched, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Anyways</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” She turned her attention to Ben, “It’s almost May, Ben. Last week of April and the job that you quit officially ends in like 2 weeks. What are you going to do?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He settled back into his seat, “Actually, I have a new job lined up and ready.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She leaned forward excitedly, “You do?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I’m actually going to work for the same company Rey works for. I’m going to be like a publishing agent for authors and help them along in the process.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gasped at him, “What?” He voice was nearly a squeal, “Ben I’m so fucking excited for you! That’s awesome. When do you start?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned to give me a quick smirk, “I start the Monday after school ends.” I tried to contain my eye roll. Everyone had been so concerned about him and trying to make sure that he was not in a mid-life crisis that everyone who he had told had had nearly the same reaction to his new job that paid nearly double what he was making before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow. That’s… amazing. Seriously. I’m glad to see you doing something you really love.” She took another long drink. “And Rey, thank you for taking his bum ass off the street so he didn’t get murdered or go into a deep pit of depression.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I chuckled, “He needed </span>
  <em>
    <span>some </span>
  </em>
  <span>place to stay. And I knew it wasn’t going to be with you and Finn and your insane ability to have sex in the most random, inappropriate places. All the time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gasped, “We don’t have sex in random places.” She turned to Finn in question and said something I didn’t quite hear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked over at Ben to see his face pulled in humored confusion. “What’s wrong with having sex in weird places?” He said under his breath, his eyes mischievous. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could feel the slight buzz of the 1 and a half drinks I had already downed sizzle to the surface. “There’s a difference between weird and inappropriate.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what is that difference?” I saw him glance over at Finn and Rose, who were still talking amongst themselves as well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I ran my teeth across the inside of my lip. “Well, I’m not sure. But I definitely think that anything outside the bed and the couch is a little out of bounds at our age.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrow quirked up and his smirk grew, “The bed and the couch?” He repeated. I was suddenly a little more unsure of myself and opened my mouth to add to it when he cut me off, “So does that mean our kitchen island is off limits?” His voice was so quiet, and so low… that I nearly thought I didn’t hear him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But I definitely did</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I was frozen. My mouth in the same open position it had been before he said that; but now it was stuck there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Our kitchen island?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Visions of me spread across the island in the very dress I was wearing with him standing at the edge, pounding into me, flooded my mind. The all too familiar warmth started to make its way up my spine, but Rose and Finn jumped back in the conversation with Ben about his new job before my brain could even formulate a response for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Our kitchen island. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The one we’ve sat and talked at a hundred times in the past 3 months. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And so you’ll be in the same office building as Rey?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben shook his head, “No, I’ll go there occasionally but the building next door to hers is really where I’ll be the most. The company rents a couple of floors in both buildings.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could barely keep up with their conversation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s great though. I’m glad you’ll be close just in case. Especially with Rey’s bio dad all the sudden showing up randomly. Honestly that’s kind of creepy.” She turned her attention back to me with a frown, “I just don’t understand how he even found out your number or where you were a couple weeks ago.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe he’s a stalker.” Finn inputted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben shook his head slowly, “No… when he saw us at pike he was much more… creepy. Like he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>told</span>
  </em>
  <span> she was there. But whoever told him didn’t mention me. If he was a stalker I think he would realize that I usually go with her to pike.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose’s face grew more concerned, “That’s honestly fucking insane. I can’t believe he thinks it’s okay to just… show up.” She looked at me, “I’m so glad you’re okay though. I don’t want him to shake you. You’ve grown so much in the past couple of years— I don’t want him to ruin that.” I tried to give her a reassuring look, “So Ben, go ahead and make sure that asshole doesn’t just show up unannounced again.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait— so I’m confused.” Finn looked around the table with his brows furrowed, “How </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> he figure out where you were?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose looked at him exasperatedly, “That’s literally what we </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> said. We don’t know. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, but don’t you guys think it’s a little weird that whoever told him, told him to meet you there and not some place like… your work or something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head, “Guys, honestly… I don’t want to even </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span> about Henry. I’m working on the VPO and then he can’t bother me anymore.” I took a drink, “Let’s talk about something better.” My hand gestures towards Rose and Finn, “—Like you two! What are your wedding plans?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn smiled but looked over at Rose and waited for her to answer, “Actually… we were thinking about going and getting married on a cruise ship— Or something.” She gave me a sheepish look, “We just want something different. And… something </span>
  <em>
    <span>us.</span>
  </em>
  <span> So we may just got on a cruise ship at the end of the summer and just… do it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aww, Rose. That’s wonderful. Can I come? I’ve never been on a cruise.” I was clearly getting a little tipsy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” She jumped in her seat. “Yes. Please, please, please. You and Ben and Cathrine and Tom! I want you all to come if you want to. Finn’s parents would never because they’re scared of boats. But please…” she nearly mewled with excitement. Apparently, she was also a little tipsy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn looked over at Ben, “Did she just plan our wedding in 4 seconds?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think so buddy.” Ben grinned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose rolled her eyes, “Whatever, he was the one who was all… let’s stop in Vegas on the way home and elope.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn blushes slightly, “A 3 day drinking binge takes more than like 1 day to get over.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry Finn,” I winked, “We won’t make fun of you for trying to elope.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Speak for yourself.” Ben teased with a laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose tipped her head back and downed the rest of her drink quickly. “As long as I get to drink, and get married to you, I’ll be good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You say that now,” Finn sent her a pointed look, “But tomorrow you’ll be like, </span>
  <em>
    <span>why did you let me drink so much Finn.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But,” she let out a soft burp, “I’ll have had a </span>
  <em>
    <span>wonderful </span>
  </em>
  <span>time with my family.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My chest flooded with warmth for my sister. Paige was gone and Rose still saw me as family. Through all the hell of the last 3 months was finally a little bit peaceful. And we valued our time together. Brunches became more sacred and everyone, including Rose, eventually forgave Ben for his part in it all. We missed Paige, and occasionally we got angry about how things were handled but in the end we loved her… and everything else we can kid look past. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what about you, Rey? How are things with Alexander?” Rose jiggled her eyebrows. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, apparently they don’t have sex anywhere but a bed so… take that as you will.” Ben saluted with his glass and had a cheeky smirk on his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gawked at him, “You know nothing about my sex life.” Rose was in a fit of giggles at his comment, getting more and more drunk by the minute. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He leaned forward, “Well, if you’re not desperate enough for him to fuck him anywhere in the entire house then I at least have a clue.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you? When’s the last time you had sex… period?” I whispered tauntingly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head tilted “Are you offering?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt my cheeks flush and turned back to face the table. Not only was the alcohol beginning to take it’s true effect but also Ben and his presence and aura and words. And Rose was sitting </span>
  <em>
    <span>right there.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Even if she couldn’t hear what Ben said over the loud noise of the restaurant, I could. And I knew she was sitting just a little ways away and my body was reacting in ways it certainly shouldn’t with her sitting at the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well guys, we better get going.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finn interrupted my thoughts with a sigh, “Rose here is a little </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> on the tipsy side. But this was great. We should do it more often.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Definitely.” Ben chimed in, “Maybe next time with Poe when he comes to town. So we can watch his drunk ass try and dance on the table again.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My brain was still short circuiting. I was trying desperately to get my reaction and my thoughts under control. Because at the moment, all I could think of was taking Ben up on his offer of trying out our kitchen island.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn helped Rose to a semi standing position. “Goodbye all. I love you Rey.” She made a phone with her hand, “Call me.” She hiccuped and then she was weaving around the bar, Finn pulling her in tow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You ready?” Ben’s deep voice asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes. Yes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I collected my thoughts from that place and tried to stand to my feet, feeling decidedly less drunk than Rose. Which came in to question the deep flush that spanned from my chest and up my neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I’m ready.” Ben reached towards me to grab my arm but I jerked back to avoid his touch. “I’m fine. I’m not </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> drunk.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lifted his hands in a sigh of surrender, “Yeah, that's fine. Your cheeks are just a little flushed.” He turned to walk beside me out of the restaurant.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just a little buzzed. Daiquiris do that to me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The look he sent me was almost like he knew I was lying but he was going to drop it anyway. “Well then let’s get home before you do something scandalous with your buzz.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We slid into the Uber he had called with ease and I settled back into the dark leather seats. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tonight was good. I’ve missed Rose.” I said absently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think she missed you too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lips turned up in a small smile as I looked up at the ceiling of the car. “I’m glad she’s okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hummed slightly, “Me too. I honestly thought she would never forgive me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But she did…” I looked over at him, “It’s not your fault, Ben.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned his head to look at me as well. Both of us with our head resting on the headrest of the back seat, looking at each other. “I think you should read your letter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed, “Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes glanced all over my face, “Because, I think it’s time. It’s been over 3 months.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned away to look outside at the dark streets of Seattle, not sure what to say. “Maybe I will.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should. You don’t have to tell me what it says or anyone else. But you can just leave it there on the kitchen counter forever.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My chest froze mid breath. And my mind was flooded again with the vision of us on the kitchen island that I had just barely pushed from my mind before it came back again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s just… stop talking about the kitchen counter today, yeah?” I breathed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could feel his grin from across the car. “Okay.” I could also hear the smugness in his voice, “Maybe you </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span> go see Alexander.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Asshole” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? I’m trying to be a good </span>
  <em>
    <span>friend.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” I looked over at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes narrowed, “You must be drunk.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His smirk grew, “Why do you say that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because you’re never this funny.” I scrunched my nose. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think I’m not funny? I’m all kinds of funny.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes, “Okay, you’re definitely drunk.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His smile turned lazy, “I’m not drunk. I drank the same glass all night long, actually. Unlike you.” The way he said it was so casual, I almost didn’t recognize him, “Someone had to make sure you’re okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart thudded against my chest. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He wanted to make sure I was okay?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took in a shaky breath, “Well, you’re acting drunk.” My eyes trailed to his lips, “Typically you don’t like me this much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quiet for a moment, “I always like you.” It was more of a whisper than anything. A whisper that shouted through my system. But before I could really analyze anything he said, the Uber pulled up in front of our apartment building. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stumbled my way out of the car and crossed the sidewalk quickly. Ben was a few paces behind me, but I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. Because then he would see the complete and utter expression of shock and want written all over my face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I entered the apartment, I didn’t stop to say goodbye or anything. I needed the solace of my room and my bed and any kind of space from Ben. But Ben followed behind me and stopped at the doorway of my room. “What do you want, Ben?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrows raised a little, “What do you want, Rey?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breath caught, “Nothing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” He nodded a little, “Well if you need me to leave so you can call your boyfriend and ask him to do you on the kitchen island…” his smirk grew. “—Just let me know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned on his heels and was walking away before I could formulate any sort of response. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Follow me on tumblr at Fearthefaithful1</p><p>I post my update schedule on there and I’m probably gonna start posting little sneak peeks if you’re interested 👀</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A couple of things before I get started... </p><p>I know I announced last week that June 19th would be the 1st chapter of Ben’s version of this story but I am going to push that back.. like I announced on tumblr yesterday. Because some of these longer chapters I’m having to split up so the chapter count keeps getting high and I have a desired place I want to get before I post his POV. I’m so so sorry about that and I will post on tumblr as soon as I get any sort of idea of when I will post that story. So check there. </p><p>Next is... I want to mention this one more time.. because I feel like it has to be said... these characters are supposed to feel real. They make mistakes and they’re unstable and sometimes even mean. Like humans are. They’re not perfect... And they have a LONG way to go in their growing and healing process. </p><p>But either way... thank you for reading and I am so so thankful for your support and the coffees that some of you have sent me 🖤 it’s kept me going</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Ms. Stansil?” My assistant Gloria leaned around the corner of my entry way and I looked up at her with my eyebrows raised, “You have a visitor.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My raised eyebrows dropped and pulled together, “Who is it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shrugged, “Some guy. When they sent him up stairs and security told me, I thought it was Ben but…” she pursed her lips and scrunched one side of her nose, “I guess not.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh— okay. Go ahead and send him in.” I looked back down at my papers to continue reading until I heard footsteps at my door again. When I looked up I was met with Alexander’s tall frame, in a dark navy suit, standing at the door. “Hey! I didn’t know you were coming here…” His smirk conveyed all his confidence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to see you. Feels like it’s been forever.” Alexander had never been to my office but he sauntered through with such ease and confidence it was almost like he had. “I miss you.” He rounded the corner of my desk and kissed me quickly before leaning against the ledge of my desk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I miss you too. And I’m sorry I’ve been so busy. I’m trying to get these summer release manuscripts sent out to print for next week.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled, “I get it. I’ve been busy too.” He leaned forward and kissed me softly, seductively, on the lips, “But not too busy to miss being inside you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My body heated but I pulled back away from the temptation of his lips, “I’m sorry. I know the times we’ve gotten to spend alone time together since the funeral is few and far between but…” I trailed off trying to choose my words. “I'm trying to be there for Ben… And I can’t just kick him out of my house for a night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face glowered but then lightened up, “Speaking of,” he picked up a rock paperweight I had sittin on my desk, “I saw him this morning.” I narrowed my eyes in confusion, waiting for him to continue. “He was at the realtors office where my friend Andy works.” His lips jerked in a split second smirk, “Guess he won’t be a problem as a house guest much longer.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>I spat out in shock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I guess he found a place he likes and he moves in on Monday.” He sat down the paperweight he was playing around with and my stomach dropped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben was moving out? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the almost 4 months since Paige’s death we had only talked about him moving out once but it seemed like something that was shelved for later. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe this was later</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then we will </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> get some time alone and he can go find himself a new wife.” Alexander leaned forward and started placing kisses on my neck but I pushed him away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alex, seriously? My sister </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> died.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And? It’s been 4 months. The guy needs to move on. And obviously she didn’t love him very much with everything going on with that Dameron guy.” He tried to lean back in to continue his ministrations on my neck but I pushed back again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” I asked, extremely confused. “What are you talking about?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed and leaned back, “Dameron. Whatever his name is.” He moved his hand around, “There was apparently something going on. So Ben just </span>
  <em>
    <span>needs</span>
  </em>
  <span> to move on, honestly. And he needs to move out.” He sent me a dry look, “I’m tired of him fucking with my sex life.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alex,” I said sharply, “Stop. You were talking about Poe and Paige. What are you saying? And how do you know this?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dameron.” He quirked his eyebrow, “He’s moving back to Seattle and Cathrine recommended him for my lawyer on retainer. We got drunk during signing and he… spilled the beans.” He looked a little smug, “I figured you knew. Paige being your sister and Ben being your bestie.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anger flared in me, “And why wouldn’t you tell me that you hung out with Poe?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He barked out a laugh, “Like you tell me everything.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s literally not this same this is about my sister—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And aren’t you my girlfriend? Or distraction? Or whatever?” It was distasteful the way he said it and I wanted to scream. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay—- exactly. I’m your girlfriend so you should tell me when you hear something about Poe or Paige.” I stepped back angrily. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He seemed to take a deep calming breath, “Okay, it’s not like I didn’t tell you on purpose.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It seems like you did.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I didn’t. And I’m sorry. I wasn’t really trying to hide it from you, it's just…” he sighed and looked away slightly, “things are weird between us sometimes and especially when I talk about your sister. Or Ben. And I,” he closed the gap of distance I had put between us. “I just miss you. And I care about you. And I don’t want you to get caught up in all this drama.” I tentatively let him wrap his arms around my torso again, “And so what if I want Ben to move out? He’s a total dick. And pathetic.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a slow breath in through my nose, “Ben’s not really a dick. He’s just… weird.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips were suddenly in my neck again, picking up where they had left off before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I put pressure on his shoulder, “Okay… but, why couldn’t you at least tell me you were working with Poe?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He winced and pulled back to look at me, “Because I’m a bad boyfriend?” He joked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My smile slowly grew but it didn’t quite reach my eyes. “Well, try and not do that anymore.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hand that was on my back, snaked its way up to my face and held my cheek, “I like you. And I want to be with you. Let’s not let anything ruin that, okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My chest tingled at his words, “Okay,” I breathed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Promise me.” She said a little more confidently, “Promise me that you won’t let anything ruin our relationship.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” I said with a smile but inside lights were flashing. I liked Alexander. </span>
  <em>
    <span>A lot</span>
  </em>
  <span>. A Shit ton. I felt drawn to him and he kept me on my toes and was flirty and cute and we never really fought until today. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I liked him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But a feeling in my stomach would not let me promise. And I kept telling myself that the feeling is only lasting because I was actually getting to the point of liking where he could hurt me and I was scared. But something else inside me told me to be careful for other reasons entirely. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Most namely, Ben. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alexander’s grin split in two, “Okay.” He leaned in and kissed me hard on the mouth before pulling back quickly and walking away. “I have to go back to the office but I just wanted to see you for a few minutes. But I’ll see you at Tom’s birthday party tomorrow night.” He winked, and took his last step backwards before he turned and left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ll see you then! Bye.” I called out and lowered myself back to my seat. I grabbed the desk phone and dialed, waiting for a pick up on the other line, “Gloria, can you please reschedule my 5:30 meeting?” </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I slipped through the door of my apartment I kicked my shoes off and glanced around. It looked fairly quiet and empty, and I wasn’t sure if Ben had made it home yet until I saw him walk out of the hallway where the rooms are with his eyes trained down on his phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” I said softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes lifted and met mine. “Hey, you’re home early. I thought you had a late meeting.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did.” I started walking to my room to change, “I canceled it. “ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He followed behind, “You canceled it? But wasn’t it with Peterson?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sigh that came out was slightly out of my control, “Yes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could feel the weird look he sent me, “Okay…” it sounded almost like a question, “And why did you cancel it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a second, I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. “Can we talk about this later? I want to change?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face remained impassive, “Okay.” With that he turned and disappeared from my doorway in a flash. I changed slowly, processing my conversation with Alexander from hours ago and also shifting through my thoughts to determine why to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben was moving out.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he didn’t tell me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I finally made my way out of the room nearly 30 minutes later to find Ben sitting at the island. He glanced up when he heard my soft steps on the wooden floors. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I ordered some food. Should be here soon. You seem kind of… tense. So I figured maybe we should eat in.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I cursed my heart for picking up speed at his thoughtfulness; I was mad. There was no way my resolve could waiver now. “Great. Thanks.” My voice was stiff. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Rey. What’s the deal?” He set his phone done and gave me his full attention, “Something is wrong.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes narrowed at him from the other side of the island and I bought myself some time to collect my thoughts by taking a sip of the water I had poured when I had first walked into the kitchen. Once I had finished my long sip and a daunting silence fell between us I swallowed. “Why didn’t you tell me you were moving out?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He visibly froze, “Who told you I was moving out?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alexander.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He relaxed a little, “Rey…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“—No.” I cut him off, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Why</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn’t you tell me you were moving out?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was going to.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you didn’t.” My arms folded in front of me and I watched him shift in his seat a little bit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He opened his mouth to say something but then let out a long sigh instead, “I wasn’t trying to keep it from I just…— it was time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I raised my eyebrows, “Time?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A muscle twitched in his cheek and I could tell he was starting to get a little irritated— I didn’t really care. “Yes, Reylin. I can’t just live here forever.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I know that</span>
  </em>
  <span>… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t say you did.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, then. It’s time for me to move out. I’ve found my own place and I think I should do that. I’m moving out on Monday.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My nostrils flared in frustration, “And when were you planning on telling me, hm? I thought we were friends.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His jaw clenched, “We are friends, Reylin. I was going to tell you tonight. I’m not trying to just not fucking tell you. But seriously you had to know this was coming.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That you were moving out? Sure, of course I did. “</span>
  <em>
    <span> Liar. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“I just thought you would tell me Ben. I thought we were past all the lies and hiding stuff.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at me like I was crazy, “I’m not hiding stuff. I was going to tell you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you didn’t. You were just going to move out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s eyes blazed, “Yeah and what am I supposed to do? Sit here and play house with you for the rest of my life?” It was deep, and booming; the way he said it. “I have a well paying job that I love and Paige is gone and I’m finally getting my own life… it’s time to move on?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“From this place or my sister?” My lip curled. It was snarky, for sure, but I was past caring. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey…” his deep eyes bored into mine, “you better watch it…” it was a warning I easily blew off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I ignored him, “It’s been 4 months and you’ve been here this whole time. What’s the rush now? She’s not getting any warmer in the grave.” It was lethal, and I saw his eyes widen a fraction before he was around the island in a flash. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think you can goad me? Push my buttons? Listen here, Reylin—” He leaned towards me, his words menacing, “—You </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> get to act like that. Not to me. You want to be a brat? Go somewhere else with that attitude, because you don’t want to know the consequences… or open that box with me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time, I didn’t flinch, “You and your empty threats Ben Solo. You are full— absolutely full— of shit. You can’t even get your story straight.” I took a step back, not scared of him, but definitely not taking my chances. “Did you love her? Or did you not? Do you hate her now for everything? Or are you still hung up on her?” My steps continued back away from him and he watched me, his eyes dark. “You’ve decided you’re just going to move on. And the secrets you keep just continue to grow.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about?” He questioned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to contain my snarky tone, “Tell me about Poe and Paige.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His bottom lip dropped just a hair, but I got what I wanted. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He knew something</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “What about Poe and Paige?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I mean—“</span>
  </em>
  <span> I started, “They were together.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes narrowed, “They weren’t together.” He had recollected himself and started taking small steps towards me. He caught me.  I didn’t truly know what I was talking about and he knew it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then what were they?” My chin stuck out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How is this relevant to me moving out, Reylin? Or is this just another one of your shit attempts to get under my skin, </span>
  <em>
    <span>brat</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” The </span>
  <em>
    <span>t</span>
  </em>
  <span> lingered on his lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s relevant because even after the NDA is canceled and after Paige is dead… you </span>
  <em>
    <span>cannot </span>
  </em>
  <span>tell me the truth.” My hands curled in frustration, “You just continue to lie, or hide things from me. And I’m completely sick of it. Stop keeping secrets. Or get the fuck out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blinked at me, “I’m already leaving,” He challenged. “I’m moving out Monday.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took in a sharp breath but trained my face, “Well maybe it’s for the best, then.” Our eyes clashed, “So go ahead. Because I’m so fucking tired of not knowing </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> around you. I’ve told you everything. Literally everything. I told you how I felt last year, and you stood there… and told me you couldn’t tell me what </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>wanted to hear. And then you kept the secret about Paige. You let her </span>
  <em>
    <span>die</span>
  </em>
  <span>… and couldn’t tell me. And now you’ve been here for months and I still know so little about it all. I didn’t even know that my sister was in love with someone else.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He visibly tensed, almost like my words slapped him in the face. I let out a breath, realizing the harshness of my words… and his reaction to them. We were both quiet for a few minutes. And I was scrambling to breathe properly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want me to tell you the truth?” The darkness and softness of his tone put me immediately on edge. “You want me to tell you that Paige loved someone else but didn’t want to drag him down to hell with her so she chose to love me instead?” He sounded angry. “You want me to tell you that we both realized we would never really be with the people we wanted to be with at the same time? But we could never talk about it because we were far too deep?” He took a step forward. “You want me to tell you I love you— I’ve loved you for a long time but because of some respect and responsibility for my childhood friend I made a shit ton of mistakes that are now irrecoverable?” My heart stopped. “You want me to tell you that for Paige… it has always been Poe? But she </span>
  <em>
    <span>would never</span>
  </em>
  <span>… drag him down the way she did me?” He choked. “You want me to tell you I </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate </span>
  </em>
  <span>her? Because that’s the truth.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stumbled back, but he continued on, his eyes swimming with tears. “Most of the time… I hate her </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> fucking much. Because after everything I did for her because she had no one. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No one</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And she would tell no one and I had known her forever and I wasn’t going to just let her </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking die— </span>
  </em>
  <span>After all that…” he let out a soft laugh and look down at him shoes, “She screwed up my life with her lies. And I didn’t know how she felt about Poe until it was too late. I just wanted her to be happy, you know? After you’ve known someone for more than half your life you feel tied to them, and then when Kelly died and I realized she wasn’t going to tell Rose and worked harder. I didn’t realize she didn’t love me. I really thought she did and then… after last year… it just clicked.” He looked at me, pain clear in his eyes. “She loved him. And she didn’t want this life for him. So she told him nothing. She turned him away— Treated him as a friend. Maybe even her best friend.” There was no hope for me now. I was desperate for air but it just wouldn’t come. “And now— she’s gone. And I’m scrambling to pull my life together. And I hate her. Most days.. and the other days I miss her so much. And I’m devastated by the loss of my childhood friend.” His voice broke at the end. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have to move on. And get on with my life. So yes…” his gaze was steady, “I’m moving out. I’m getting </span>
  <em>
    <span>my own</span>
  </em>
  <span> place. And I’m moving out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There had been a range of emotions since he first started speaking, and now I was left with emptiness. It hurt. It hurt to hear his words and I hurt for him. Because whatever I had gone through it was nothing like what he had. He had lost his childhood friend, and his wife, and now he was grasping at the straws of his life. But certain words still echoed through my head… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>...I love you</span>
  </em>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>...</span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>…I love you…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It chanted through my head like a band. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A loud knock sounded on the front door. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Our food</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I turned away quickly, trying to take a moment to calm my racing pulse. Behind me, I heard Ben greet the delivered and exchange a couple pleasantries while the food transferred from one set of hands to another. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>We ate in silence. And I couldn’t look at him. I was too scared. He hated her… but he loved her. He lied to me… but he loves me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But Rose…</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t get my thoughts to stay in one lane. Everything was jumbled and confused. I didn’t taste the food as I brought it to my mouth, and my motions were subconscious. It was like I was in a daze. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I knew it, he was standing and saying something along the lines of ‘staying with his parents’ but I couldn’t hear anything specific. </span>
  <em>
    <span>My heart broke further</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And when I laid in bed that night, the only person in my apartment for the first time in a while… I still couldn’t sleep. I thought of last year, and my time in San Diego and my mistakes with Carter and my constant arguments with Ben. I thought about my last couple of months with my sister… and her call to me just before the wedding. I tried to put the pieces of my life together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I thought about Poe and Paige… they never got their chance at love. And I thought about Ben… and how he never got his chance at life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And my last fleeting thought before I drifted off…</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you...</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>They most certainly won’t avoid their argument and not deal with their emotions and problems.... right? </p><p> </p><p>Right????</p><p> </p><p>Follow me on tumblr for updates<br/>Fearthefaithful1</p><p>And if youd like you supply me with some caffeine for my late night writing my ko-fi is Fearthefaithful</p><p> </p><p>Comments keep me motivated and read them and cherish them all 🥰 so keep em coming</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Wow... it’s been a little while. Sorry about that. Crazy stuff happened with my roommate and then I got sick and then I got hard on myself... </p><p>And all the sudden it had been like a week. </p><p>This chapter isn’t perfect... it probably will never be and I want my chapters to be cohesive and full and dramatic but I also want them to be well written... and sometimes that’s hard and lately I’ve struggled with confidence in my writing. But I think pushing through and continuing to write is half the battle. 🖤</p><p>And here’s a long chapter to make up for the wait!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The next morning when I woke up, the house was quiet, and cold. And the sheer utter guilt and shame of my words and conversations with Ben wreaked it’s havoc on my morning brain. I sat on the edge of my bed, trying to decide what was next. It was a Friday, and I was already scheduled to be out of the office all day for video meetings, or conference calls but there was no way I was leaving my house even a second before I had to leave for Tom’s party. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I made my way through the house, brainlessly. Suddenly, I found myself in Ben’s room. Not really sure why. Except I guess it was Ben’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>old</span>
  </em>
  <span> room by then; but all of his stuff was still there. Clothes in the closet… papers on the desk…. shelves filled with books or nick nacks. The further in the room I got the more his scent hit me like a wave. Ben was leaving. And I had to be okay with that. I ran my fingers along the wall, trying to feel his essence… or something. He hadn’t taken much when he left. Maybe some clothes but everything else looked in it’s perfect place like he would be back any minute. And not that he was moving out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I reached his bedside table and saw a small notebook, one that I had recognized from high school, maybe. It had to be from high school; because I remember reading from it before— and an image of him holding the old composition book in his hand as he stood before the class and read from it in writing club, was ingrained into my head. Sticking out of the top of the old notebook was a white envelope. My fingers slowly plucked it from the notebook, and I watched it glide out from between the worn out papers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The envelope was still stark—nearly pristine, really. Compared to the yellowing pages of the composition book, the envelope stood out like a sore thumb. But I knew what it was. I could just put it down…but I couldn’t, even though I knew I needed to—had to. Instead I flipped it over and lifted the torn edge of the flap, almost in slow motion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breath was shaky, as I unfolded the trifolded papers, and my lips nibbled near raw on the inside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear Benjamin, </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I feel like if I call you that, this will all be much easier. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em><span>I know you by now. Since I was 7 you were my super hero, my knight in shining armor…</span></em> <em><span>and the literal breath in my lungs sometimes… so with all that I know you’re angry. You probably took too long to read this and now you completely hate me. Which is understandable. I could go over thing after thing that I did to you or that I stole from you because I was selfish and then after I stopped feeling selfish but was scared. But the truth is… I did love you. I do love you. You probably don’t believe me and laughed at me as soon as you read that… but I do. </span></em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe more than anyone else in my whole life. Other than Rose. You’re my family, my life. My air. Wǒ de hūxī</span>
  </em>
  <span>…</span>
  <em>
    <span> my breath. I’ll never be able to repay you for the years and the sacrifices and your care. You cared so much… </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>By the time I realized it was Rey, for you, I knew I was damned to hell. I couldn’t go back… but you knew that. You remember the night I called you and told you I couldn’t be with you anymore but I couldn’t take back the years and I couldn’t take back my mistakes and I knew I was running out of time so I gambled with your life. And I will rot for it. You will never forgive me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I tried to back out so many times… to make things right. I called her, I wanted to tell her like you asked… but she got on the phone and she sounded so scared and but so sure of me and who I was. It was selfish of me… </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I should have told her. I should have called off the wedding. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’ve probably already told yourself you’ll never forgive me but I pray to God that isn’t true. And I do believe in God… Because I believe he sent me you. You are my best friend and my biggest and greatest supporter. I can’t apologize enough for all the secrets and lies… especially the ones I kept from you. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My final thing I have to say is to request that you love your life. Don’t mourn me… please. I took so much already I know I can’t take any more from you. Move on. Don’t mourn for anyone else’s sake and don’t grieve me. I don’t deserve it. I want to make everything right, but it’s too late so after I’m gone… please live. Live like you couldn’t with me. Quit that shitty job. Move out. Date someone. Have sex. Do all the things I held you back from. Don’t hold back anymore. You’ve waited too long.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll love you, and thank you forever, </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paigey</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>My breath stopped and that same tightness I always felt in my chest when I thought of Paige’s death, consumed me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>She knew?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood up quickly from where I had nearly collapsed on his bed while reading and quickly paced into the kitchen and grabbed the letter that still sat, sealed, on my counter. The tightness intensified. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I couldn’t read this now. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I would read it</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I just couldn’t right now. I spun on my heels and switched clothes, not really caring what I was throwing on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I jogged out of my apartment 5 minutes later, and slid into my car. The roads of Seattle were still loud this early in the morning, but I was heading in the opposite direction of traffic, and I didn’t have time to think. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m here to see Ben.” I rushed out to the front desk lady who always had a frown on her face, once I rushed my way through the main office of his building. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s in his office, you can go on through.” She tilted her head in his direction, “But Ms. Stansil?” She called after me as I already started making my way towards him. I paused and glanced back, “He has an appointment in 20. You may want to be quick.” I nodded curtly but picked up my pace once more for the large wooden door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Through the thickness of the door I heard his muffled voice, and I pushed slightly on it until I felt it give way underneath my palm. He stood at his desk, his eyes already on me, even through the small crack I had made through the door. The voice of a woman filled the room through the speaker phone, as I pushed the door open further. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“—And honestly, I’m just worried about the release date… I’ve never released in September and I know they say that’s what’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>best </span>
  </em>
  <span>for the type of book but I’ve always released in winter… And maybe I’m being superstitious but…” I could tell by her voice she was middle aged, and I tried to place of I had heard her before— if she was one of our authors on my side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Listen, I understand Liana. Superstitions and gut feelings can often be confused. I know this is your first book with me managing but I actually am pretty close with the head of the fiction editing department so I will reach out to her and see if we can get that changed, okay?” He sent me a look and then continued on, “I know this is important to you so I’m going to make it important to me. And I take care of it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Ben. I think I’ll just feel a lot better with a December release or something…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I still couldn’t place her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But that was secondary, as my hands fidgeted slightly in front of me. Suddenly, all my prior thoughts of what I had come to say were gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I'll call you Monday.” He leaned forward and ended the call and his eyes flicked back up to me. “Can I change a release date for a client of mine to December instead of September?” The corners of his lips lifted, but I saw the weariness in his eyes. He was worried about what I came to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I cleared my throat and looked away from the heat of his gaze. “I’ll uh— check my schedule. I honestly don’t know a Liana but if she published with us before I wonder why we didn’t give her her usual release time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She just switched. She’s new with me. I can check with the publishing department as well but it needs the editor's approval.” I nodded at his explanation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll look it up. See what I can do.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face grew tighter as he saw my fingers gripping and ungripping in front of me. “What can I do for you, Rey?” His voice was formal, and cold as he lowered himself into his seat at his desk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I came to apologize.” It was a whisper, but he heard me… and his eyes narrowed. His hands folded on his desk in front of his torso as he seemed to wait for me. “I was… out of line. I knew that you’d have to move eventually. I just—“ I shifted on my feet, “I was surprised, to hear from Alex. I figured if you were moving, I would hear it from you.” His face stayed impassive. “But I shouldn’t have pushed you the way I did… or said the things I said.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The way his face didn’t move an inch scared me. Ben had always been so closed off to me, but the past few months since he had moved in it felt like he opened up more and more, and the day before he told me…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was going to tell you.” His voice was low. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not even about that. You’re… my friend. I should be here for you. I don’t want to be selfish. You’ve— you’ve gone through enough.” I shook my head, “You don’t need that from me. I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blinked slowly at me, “Why are you here, Reylin?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breath caught for a beat before it went back to normal, “I came to apologize.” I repeated myself from earlier.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No— I asked, why are you here.” He stood. “You didn’t come here to apologize so I want to know… why are you here?” He asked me again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mouth opened but nothing came out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I couldn’t say it</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “I—“ It sounded like I was choking on my words. “I read your letter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His jaw ticked. “My letter.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed but nodded slowly. It was impossible to read his face. Whether he was angry, or sad or hurt… I couldn’t tell. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“From Paige.” He didn’t say it like a question. It was a statement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sucked in a breath, “Ben—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you find what you were looking for?” He cut me off. His tone was still bland. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I faltered, “I wasn’t looking for anything…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head tilted to the side and he slowly lifted his eyes to the corner of the room and back, almost like an eye roll… but maybe not quite. “Okay, well then are you satisfied? You wanted to know all my secrets and now you do. Or, did you read it because you’re afraid to read your own.” He circled around his desk. “Either way, you know now. So what made you come here?” He leaned back against the edge of his own desk and I fidgeted uncontrollably with him just a foot or two away. “Guilt?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head shook slowly, “No,” I rasped. “I came because I was out of line last night. And today. We’re friends. I should respect your privacy and— and… your secrets.” My feet shifted forward, “I never should have said the things I did, or read your letter, really.” He blinked at me. “We’re friends.” It seemed we said that phrase a lot. “I’m sorry.” I whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pursued his lips slightly, “Yeah. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Friends</span>
  </em>
  <span>…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked around and cleared my throat, “I read what she said, about… all the regrets she had. And I didn’t want those. I don’t want to look back and only see my mistakes.” My teeth ran across my bottom lip, “I have enough of those…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And Alexander’s not one?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I flinched at his words. He hadn’t voiced his opinion on Alex before but… I think I had opened the floodgates— and he wasn’t holding back. “This isn’t about Alexander.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked to the side again and then quickly back to me. In slow motion almost, he lifted from where he was leaning against the desk and came towards me, closing the couple feet of distance. “And Carter? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrunk back, “Why are you doing this?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey—“he let out a sarcastic laugh, “At least Carter was kind. Alexander is… controlling and— and manipulative but you </span>
  <em>
    <span>let </span>
  </em>
  <span>him.” It was hard to swallow. “You let him.” He almost looked resigned. “And I’ve kept my mouth shut for the past few months because I didn’t realize it until last night, but something isn’t right. Why was he at the real estate office in the first place?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I hesitated, “I don’t know…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Exactly.” He turned away from me and walked back around his desk and I finally felt like I could breathe again. “There has been too many coincidences. Too many red flags, and I’m not going to ignore them.” He looked down at his calendar and the way his lips lightly flared out I could tell her was letting out a sigh. “But uh— I have an appointment, so I will see you tonight. We’ll talk more.” When I didn’t move his eyes shifted back up to me. “I accept your apology. But if we’re going back to crossing friendship lines then I’m going to be honest with you about him. You crossed that line first— last night. I’m just following your lead. But I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> accept your apology.” My feet still didn’t move an inch and my heart rate skyrocketed. He appraised me for a minute before I saw a shift in his eyes and then he made his way back around the desk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But let me say this,” he stood so close to me, and spoke so softly that my skin prickled. I wasn’t used to his closeness. I wasn’t used to this tone either… I didn’t know what to do. “You pushing my buttons to try and get me to talk? Dangerous move. Maybe it worked in your favor last night but I’m not playing on the bench anymore.” His fingers traced my jaw softly before his thumb gripped lightly at my chin. “You sneak into my room and read my mail, then I will give it to you as good as I get it. And you want to share your opinion about my relationship then I sure as hell will share mine about yours.” It felt like he got even closer somehow. “I’ve been sitting on the bench with you for 8 years. I’m not doing that anymore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t even know what happened after that. But somewhere in there I turned and walked on shaky legs out of there. I wasn’t sure when he meant or what he was trying to convey but if Paige’s letter to him hadn’t done it, his words had— I was shaken. The whole point of me going up there had been to apologize for my childishness and make amends but suddenly he took the reins and I wasn’t sure what direction we were even heading. But his words still rang true… I need to talk to Alex. There was suspicion floating around in my head but how he found out the information about Ben and why. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I knew it, I was dressed, it was 6pm and I was walking through the door of Cathrine and Tom’s house. Even though I knew I needed to talk to Alexander, I wasn’t sure I wanted to. Alexander would be there, at the party soon, and I felt antsy. I liked him. I didn’t want to believe that he had been lying to me but that same uncomfortable feeling from the day before when he’d visited my office, lingered beneath the surface. Something was up, and even though I didn’t like the idea of having to have this conversation with him… it had to be done. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I made my way through the house, other people arriving sporadically. But it felt like j I always sat towards the back of the room, beside Rose and Finn, sipping whatever flavored drink Cathrine had planned for the occasion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is Alexander coming tonight?” Rose asked from beside me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think so.” I hesitated, “I haven’t really spoken to him much. Ben’s moving out and—“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait,” she cut me off and leaned forward towards me, “Ben’s moving out? Why?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrugged, my eyes following Ben from across the room. He was speaking with Tom and Tom’s brother Lamar across the room but almost like he felt my gaze burning the side of his face, his eyes slid up and over to meet mine. “He wants to start his life.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh… yeah. Guess I didn’t really think about how you’re probably a constant reminder of Paige. That was probably really hard for him.” Her voice sounded far off and thoughtful. I broke away from Ben’s penetrating gaze to glance at her. “Yeah, I will miss him but he has to move on from us— from our family. He’s going to have to remarry one day and whoever he marries isn’t going to be okay with him hanging around his dead wife’s family all the time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rose!” Finn reprimanded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” She lifted her hands in surrender but my gaze was back on Ben’s. “He can’t be around us forever. We are a constant reminder of her and of her death and all he lost. What? It’s almost been 6 months or something. He was right to move out of Rey’s, that just showed how hung up he still was on Paige.” I looked down at my hands that gripped my glass. Her words weren’t supposed to be getting to me, but they were. But I also knew the truth that Rose didn’t…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben and Paige were never in love. They had crushes on each other when they were young and loved each other as they got older but they were never </span>
  <em>
    <span>in </span>
  </em>
  <span>love. Or at least… that’s what I thought the truth was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Eventually he’s gotta move on and so do we.” She finished and my head jerked around to look at her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Move on from our sister? Your sister.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She turned to me with a frown, “No. No of course not. We will never move on from Paige. But…” she stepped forward and lightly grabbed my hand. “One day we will move on from her death. We will wake up and go about our days and when we think of Paige we won’t think about how she died but we will think about our time with her. And how she lived. How much we love her.” She gave me a small smile, “That’s how we’ll move on.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I blinked at Rose, completely unsure of if I would ever be able to do that. “But in the meantime,” she continued and looped her arm through mine, “We’ll just keep on. We’ll live our lives until it hurts a little less.” She smiles at me and I could help but smile back at her. She was always the optimistic one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re sweet, you know that?” I squeezed her a little closer using my arm and she threw her head back in a laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you say that now— wait until I’m bridezilla and as my maid of honor you have to listen to every word I say.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn gave her a look from beside us, “I thought we were getting married on a boat.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can still be bridezilla on a boat, babe.” Rose pointed out before she slung back the remainder of her drink. “It just takes a little—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rose! Honey…” Cathrine’s voice interrupted and all of our heads turned to where she approached us from our left. “Could you please go grab those slips of paper for the game? I ran out and I forgot where you put them earlier.” Rose turned and was gone in the direction of the kitchen when Cathrine turned her attention towards me, “Where’s Alex?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s probably almost here. I’m not really sure though.” Which was true. We hadn’t spoken since our conversation the day before when he visited the office. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, we’re about to start all the fun. He needs to hurry up. Also— Leia and Han were looking for Ben, have you seen him?” She paused and glanced around her as if he was there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I saw him a few minutes ago. I’ll go let him know.” I stepped away from the wall and made  my way towards the foyer where I had seen Ben slip off to a few minutes ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His back was to me while I approached and he looked like he was looking up the stairs of the house in a daze. I wasn’t sure what he was looking at until I got a little closer and saw his eyes on the family picture that hung on the very back wall at the top of the stairs. Even though I followed his eyes to the picture, I couldn’t really place exactly what he was looking for on the picture. That picture was old. It was me, Cathrine, Tom, Rose and Paige from not too long after they first moved in… and none of us felt very comfortable with each other. The adoption case had just been dismissed and the girls were still mourning the loss of their mom. And Cathrine and Tom were trying their best… so they took us to these family pictures… in hopes that it would make us </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel</span>
  </em>
  <span> like a family. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey…” I called out hesitantly, “Your mom was looking for you.” He glanced back at me quickly, like I had surprised him before he took one more look at the picture and sighed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ve kind of been avoiding her.” He turned towards me with a small smirk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lips twitched in a smile, “Why’s that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrows jumped, “Well, she heard I was moving out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed, “Oh.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. So unless I want to explain my every thought for the next 45 minutes I’m going to avoid her and call her tomorrow.” His hands pulled out of his pockets and he grabbed the drink he had set on a side table lining the wall and turned towards me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>About that time Rose and Finn came into the foyer from one direction, and Cathrine and Tom from another. They all started speaking and a weird circle formed, encompassing everyone as they started filling the quiet foyer with noise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Alexander?” Rose asked. While beside me Fin started speaking to Ben. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed, already tiring of that question. “I don’t know— he said he would be here but…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He still isn’t here?” Cathrine intercepted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The eye roll that came from me was unavoidable, “No, not yet—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m here.” A voice called across from the foyer where the door was. Everyone one of us froze, and that same uneasy feeling filled me and I slowly looked over to where I heard Alexander’s voice come from. “I’m here now. Sorry I’m late. I had to pick up my mom and step dad.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The feeling picked up and turned into a storm, by the time my eyes finally made my way to his position, I saw a very beautiful dark skinned woman, with her hair long and hanging down her back. Beside her was Alexander, dressed in a long sleeve shirt and dark blue jeans, and then beside him… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Henry…” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Check my tumblr for an update of when the next chapter will be posted.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is a little bit shorter but it’s kind of heavy... if you’re paying attention. </p><p>From here our little Rey is going to grow a lot.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Hello, Reylin.” Henry’s voice was warm, I have to admit. But it didn’t stop this chill that ran down my spine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben was in front of me in a split second. And I could barely see Alex’s face over his shoulder. He looked weary, and cold all at once. Like he knew the battle that was coming and was apprehensive for it, but prepared all the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ben’s voice was the opposite. It was strong and heated. I could only see his back and even his back was tense and tight. He wasn’t happy, and Alex’s face grew more displeased at Ben’s display. But I couldn’t say anything. The lump in my throat from fear or shock— either one, made it hard to even swallow. “I thought I told you to stop showing up and ambushing her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry's eyes which were on me and somewhat friendly fell flat and he shifted his dry look over to Ben. “This is none of your business, boy.” He turned and glanced over at Alexander who grew increasingly irritated. “I would think it would be her </span>
  <em>
    <span>boyfriend</span>
  </em>
  <span>’</span>
  <em>
    <span>s</span>
  </em>
  <span> concern. Not yours.” He clicked his tongue, “Aren’t you just a friend?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bile rose in my throat but I took a step forward, “He is not my boyfriend.” I spat and watched as Alex’s face turned from irritated to a wince. But I didn’t care. My hands were starting to shake with panic but I gripped them into fists. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey..” he started and reached out for me but I recoiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alex, I don’t want to hear it.” I cut him off with a sharp look, “You need to leave.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He swallowed, “Rey, let me explain.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben answered for me, “She doesn’t have to let you explain. She doesn’t have to do anything. And she’s right— you need to go.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a look that said ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t need you to fight my battles for me.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>But I also felt a wave of thankfulness. Ben was there. Ben cared. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait, what is going on here?” Rose’s confused voice sounded from somewhere in the room. I glanced over at her and Finn gripped her hand in panic… but Rose just looked confused. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alexander was helping me, I wanted to make amends.” Henry added and all the eyes fell back to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“By fucking me?” I tossed angrily and my feet jolted my forward. “You wanted him to help make amends by fucking me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alexander winced, and tried to take a step forward, “It wasn’t like that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then what was it like?” My glare was sharp. As Alexander got closer, Ben shifted closer to me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>About that time I felt Cathrine come up beside me and grip my hand. She didn’t say anything or do anything. She just gripped my hand to let me know she was there, and then released it. Another wave of confidence flooded me and my resolve hardened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When I met you I didn’t know who you were… you looked so familiar but I just couldn’t place it. I liked you. I do… like you. And then I found out who you were and I—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t let him finish, “You decided to lie to me. And fuck me… and report back to my father. When I told you how I felt about it. I told you I didn’t want to see him or speak with him but you told him my exact location; freaking me out further.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grimaced slightly but the worry in his face dropped off carefully and was replaced with attitude. “I thought I could convince you otherwise. And I fucked you because I wanted to. It had nothing to do with him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Somehow that was worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alexander, I think you and your family should go.” Cathrine spoke up from beside me. As I looked around at </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> family, all of them had different faces; Rose looked green, Finn looked faint, Cathrine looked concerned for me, Tom looked hard, and his gaze was unwavering towards Alexander… but Ben— Ben looked pissed. He looked ready to kill. And I didn’t feel like stopping him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry was the one who spoke up next, “Reylin, your brother was just trying to help.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>god</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” I bellowed, about to puke. “You are</span>
  <em>
    <span> sick</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You’re both sick. If I didn’t want to see you before I definitely don’t want to see you now.” My head shook in distaste. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>My brother?</span>
  </em>
  <span> That’s total bullshit. If you wanted to talk to me, Henry or get to know me, or </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> this was not the way to do it. Because I will never— </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span>, trust you after this. You literally stalked me. You scared me. How is that okay in your head? Did the drugs mess up your brain that much?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry’s eyes flared, “You’re my daughter and I can do what I want. They kept you from me for too long. You thought I would just let them have custody of what’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>mine? </span>
  </em>
  <span>And I would never try and get you back? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was never yours,” I spat. “You completely abandoned me and left me for dead as a </span>
  <em>
    <span>child</span>
  </em>
  <span> for your drug high and some woman. And then when I found a family— A good one who cares and loves and watched after me you </span>
  <em>
    <span>ruined</span>
  </em>
  <span> that.” My hand gestured towards Alex. “And seriously, how could using him to feed you information from me be okay? You’re actually insane.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head whipped over to Alexander who started talking again, “Look, I’m trying to explain myself here. I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> your brother.” Alexander took a step forward, “My mom and my dad we’re married for many years before he died and </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>is my father. Not Henry. Henry just look me under his wing after he came to Chicago and—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Take you under his wing? Don’t you realize how shitty that sounds? Saying it to his daughter. Who he </span>
  <em>
    <span>left</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” My lip raised in a sneer. “If it wasn’t enough that he was so strung out on hard drugs that he couldn’t get me food so I spent my childhood always hungry; He also left. And then sent some asshole to seduce me and stalk me for him until he could do it himself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alexander glare flared, “Maybe you shouldn’t have been so easy to seduce. Seems to me you’re just another slut, like your mother— Whoring around.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It went eerily quiet, and my chest burned in pain. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Get out.” It was Ben who broke the silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alexander’s laugh was sarcastic and cold. “Who are you to kick me out? This isn’t your house. My conversation is with Rey.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Tom’s voice boomed through the room, “It’s mine.” His hard face and eyes looked scary like I had never seen before. “And I’m telling you to leave. Or I will call the police and have you all removed forcibly.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry’s face turned evil, “And you think you get any kind of say over what I do when I’m trying to talk to my daughter?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tom took another step forward. “She is </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> daughter.” I looked at him, “You gave up all rights to her when you abandoned her. If she wanted you here I would be okay with that but she doesn’t. So you need to leave. I’ve taken care of her long enough that I can know when she’s serious. And she </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> serious. So </span>
  <em>
    <span>go.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>My heart swelled with love. Tom was quiet… he didn’t speak much, and hearing him say this… hearing his care for me and how he just wanted what I wanted was something I had never expected. I wasn’t used to that kind of love. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed down the emotion that was building in my throat and turned back towards Henry and Alexander and the woman. Henry had a bitter look on his face and I barely heard him mumble something out before Ben flashed into motion and swung at Henry’s face. I barely caught a glimpse as his fist made connection. It was so sudden that it caught me off guard but as soon as Ben’s arm fell from Henry’s face to his side I was grabbing him. Henry was holding his face in pain and probably shock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get the fuck out of this house.” Ben’s voice was almost a yell and he pull his arms lightly in my grip but I wouldn’t let go. He didn’t need to fight Henry, and this was my way of trying to keep him from killing him. I wasn’t sure what had set Ben off but his body was nearly vibrating in anger. “Now!” Ben’s voice boomed through the room and that’s when I realized we had attracted more onlookers from the party, who were bodily standing at the entrances of the foyer watching it all go down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alexander’s mom started navigating Henry out the door but Alexander stayed with his glare focused on Ben. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben sneered at him ready for a fight, “Get your ass out the door before I fucking lay you out man. You want to associate yourself with that dick? And you want to talk about her that way? I don’t fucking care who you are.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Alexander didn’t budge I twisted around until I was in front of Ben, “What do you want? You’ve obviously said enough. Why can’t you just leave?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes lingered behind me on Ben briefly before they flicked over to me, “You can’t kick me out. If I want to stay I’ll stay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben tried to barrel through me but I used my body to keep him behind and also saw Finn step up from the corner of my eye. “You’ll leave if I ask you to leave. Or you’ll be escorted out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A smirk grew on his face, and for whatever reason, I felt a lot stronger in that moment than I actually was; I wanted to take it off. “Why don't you walk me out, Rey? So we can talk in private for a few moments.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no.” It was Rose who said it, but it could have come from any of us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stepped away from Ben and towards Alex. “Say whatever you have to say and then leave.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes flicked over my face studiously. “I did like you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You helped him stalk me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alexander nodded on quick nod, “But I think you need to find a new publishing company.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart plummeted, </span>
  <em>
    <span>my book</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I completely forgot all about my book. We were a little over a month away from going to print. He was dropping everything?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stepped towards me, “I did like you. And I liked your book. But it seems to me like—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine.” I croaked after a moment to collect myself. I cut him off. “I don’t need you to touch my book. Just get the hell out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben broke free from Finn’s grip and was in Alexander’s face in the blink of an eye. He backed them away a few steps and whispered a few menacing words before he shoved Alexander out the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned on my heels and faced Tom. “I’m so sorry. This was your birthday and they—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head, “Don’t worry about it.” He came up to me and wrapped me in a hug. “I’m sorry that happened. And I’m sorry for what Alexander said.” He pulled back and ran his hand over the top of my head. “You don’t deserve that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My throat swelled with emotion and I nodded. “Happy birthday. I’m still sorry this happened.” I glanced around and the crowd that had formed in the entry ways of the foyer. They all looked at us with questioning eyes and whispers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, honey. I’m glad you’re okay.” He pulled me in for another tight hug and then pulled back when I felt a hand on my arm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey I’m so sorry, are you okay?” Rose came up and looked at my face, like there would be some kind of sign there that I was hurt or a scratch or something. But I just shook my head at her with a smile and swallowed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, Rose. I just…” the tears were threatening to fall. Before I had kept them at bay, kept the emotion and hurt at bay. My father was a psychopath. “I can’t—“ </span>
  <em>
    <span>My father was a psychopath. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I slept with my step brother. And he knew. </span>
  </em>
  <span>My father </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span>. My father has been stalking me for months. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything was coming full speed ahead in my brain and I wasn’t sure how to process. My forehead was pressing into Tom’s chest but I was looking at the ground. My tears were racing down my face and I felt almost like I wasn’t me anymore. Around me, I could hear the whispers of the people or the rustling of moving bodies behind me. I could see the shadowed move across the ground and heard Tom say something quietly before I was being ushered out of the room. But I wasn’t actually there. I couldn’t say anything or understand what was going on. My mind was just blank. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The lighting changed to darkness and wherever I was stunned with silence. I was sitting, I could tell that, and my throat felt dry, like I needed water. My eyes fixated out the window. It was dark in Washington now. Somewhere out there was a man who had abandoned me, and kept me from a loving family. A man who prioritized drugs over me and then suddenly one day wanted me back. Like I was a collectors coin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent my step brother, the kid who he had helped raise after he left me to stalk me and get my information and then fuck me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And my book wasn’t getting published. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly the air in the room felt thin— like there wasn’t enough of it and I was gasping. Absently, I felt my hands scratch at my throat— desperate for something, anything to fill my lungs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What did I have?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My only blood family member was a psychopath. Alexander was my step brother. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Paige was gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My book wasn’t getting published</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A lightness filled the top of my head and the room swam. Instantly I felt something grip my shoulders. My body was jostling but the lightness slid down from the top of my head to the middle and everything was getting darker. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My chest burned with the need for air and my subconscious scratching at my throat was beginning to leave whelps. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt myself be lifted from wherever I was seated but everything was almost complete dark now. My dress was pulled off of me and I was left only with my underwear on as I was thrust into ice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Not ice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cold water cascaded over me and I gasped in a large breath at the shock. My lungs finally filled with what they were so desperate for. The lightness in my head left and the darkness slowly covering my eyes, evaporated. I shivered with the cold of the water and took in my surroundings. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was in my old bathroom connected to my room in the Stansil house. The bright lights were on and glaring. The shower water was beating harshly against my skin. Standing opposite the shower was Ben, who held my dress in his hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was cold. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I was breathing. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The tears still fell down my face slowly and as I looked into the mirror across the shower my entire neck and chest was spattered in deep scratches from my nails. It wasn’t just a few. It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>covered</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My bra and underwear were soaked. But the chill that should be there just wasn’t anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a deep breath. Expanding every part of my lungs before I let it out. “I have nothing.” I said through the haze of the water. I looked up and met his gaze. “I have… nothing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breathing picked up, my chest rising up and up and down quickly. “I have nothing.” I repeated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s face looked broken. But he said nothing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Out of the corner of my eye I saw his grip tighten on my dress. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m nothing.” My sobs wracked my chest. And my vision of Ben blurred. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I felt him. He was getting into the shower with me, fully clothed, and wrapped his arms around me tightly. Like he had done that time in my apartment. Less like a hug, more like a security jacket.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We stood there for a long time. Maybe the entire night. The cold water not seeming to affect either of us. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Welllll..... what do you think?</p><p> </p><p>Follow me on tumblr for chapter update schedules and more! @ Fearthefaithful1</p><p>If you would like to help me write chapters and feed into my coffee addiction.... my Ko-fi is @ Fearthefaithful </p><p>:) </p><p>I love you all and I value all your comments so much even if I don’t get to comment back 🖤</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>😏</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>My feet carried me through the door of the classroom the office aid had just pointed me to. This was writing club. The classroom had a few students all scattered around the room with their noses in either books or their phones. I sat down in the first seat I could get to and pulled out my notebook from my bag. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re kinda in my seat.” A deep voice called from behind me. I turned around to look and saw an oversized teenager standing behind me in a letterman jacket. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Uh, sorry.” I stood up and started grabbing my things but he thrust out his hand to stop me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nah, you can sit there. I’ll just sit here.” He slid into the seat as I slowly watched him. The rest of the room was spread out and he didn’t seem to care that he sat right beside me. Out of his backpack he pulled out a black and white houndstooth composition book that looked way too old. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m Ben by the way.” He looked up at me with a grin. “You must be new to the club.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My tongues slipped out and I licked my lip nervously. “New to the school actually. And I’m Reylin.”  </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He looked over at me, “Nice to meet you. And welcome. Where’d you move from?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ah…” I looked down at my hand, my cheeks flushing slightly, “I was homeschooled for a while. My foster parents were trying to get me caught up. I was a little bit behind.” It was stupid of me to tell him because even as a freshman I could tell that was a varsity football jacket and why the hell would I tell this random hot football player that I was so stupid that I was behind? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His eyebrows shot up, “So the first thing you did was join writing club?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My embarrassment fell away and a humorous smirk played at my lips. “I guess so.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I dipped back underneath the water of the pool and pushed my hair back as I resurfaced. The water poured down my back and I ducked back underneath to be immersed in the silence. When I came back up I saw Cathrine’s figure settle into the edge of the pool, out of the corner of my eye. She dipped her toes in and I swam over closer to where she sat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben called. Wanted to know if you wanted him to stay at your apartment with you if that would help you go back home.” She tilted her head to the side in question. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wiped the water out of the corner of my eyes with the tips of my fingers and shook my head, “He just moved into his place. I don’t want him to come stay with me just because he thinks that’s what I want. I want him to enjoy his new place.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At my words Cathrine’s eyes slid over my neck and sternum, where’re my scratches were still screaming red at the top of my skin. “You know you can stay here as long as you like. But he keeps calling.” She hesitated a moment. “He’s worried about you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes lightly, “I’m just hanging out here for the weekend. I’ll go home tonight for work tomorrow. He can calm down.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well it’s a Sunday and we didn’t have breakfast. So…” Ben voice sounded from my right where he was leaning casually against the door fame of the back porch door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I threw him a look, “You came to check in on me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged and took a few steps towards me, “Come on.” His head flicked back towards the house in a gesture. “Let’s go out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lips dipped into a frown. “To where?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine’s eyes flicked back and forth between us and then Ben turned to regard her, “Would you like to come with us?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine shook her head with a soft smile. “No thank you, and actually…” her arms pushed against the concrete to help her into a standing position, “I have some work stuff to do for trial tomorrow. So I’m gonna go do that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My glare rested on her back. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Liar</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She left me with Ben on purpose. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re avoiding me.” His voice was not questioning, but sure as he stood at the edge of the pool looking down at me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I have him my fakest smile, “You’re avoiding my question.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes rolled dramatically and even from 5 feet away I heard him sigh. The shadow he cast while he lowered down to crouch beside the pool caught my eye. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How was his shadow so big?</span>
  </em>
  <span> “I just want to get you out of the house. Maybe you’ll even feel better.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel fine.” I quipped, before I ducked back down into the water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was waiting for me as I resurfaced. “Why are you fighting me?” His voice was damn near tender. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A tingling sensation started in my chest, one I didn’t get very often at all. “Where do you want to go?” I said it with a sigh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a surprise. Come on.” He pressed up with his legs to a standing and reached his hand out to offer to help pull me out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My fingers gripped on to his hand and held tight as he yanked me from the water. “Oh!” I squealed at the sudden change. The force of his grip made me stumble forward a little bit once my feet touched the concrete and my wet, swimsuit clad body fell into his. And I gasped slightly at the feeling. His hand still half gripping mine, keeping me locked in place. I couldn’t move back or I would fall back into the pool and he was blocking me from moving forward so I froze. My pulse skyrocketed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t move for a while and I tried to shift back awkward to keep him from getting wet but there wasn’t much room. So I knew it was seeping from my body and bikini to his clothes. But I couldn’t focus on that after his eyes caught mine. We were close— too close maybe. His breath fanned over my wet lips and his eyes darkened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My chest constricted. And suddenly I was all too aware of how little clothing I was wearing and how his body molded to mine. It was too much. But I couldn’t look away. I felt the outline of something hard against my stomach and my mind raced to place what it was through the haze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe he saw the confusion in my eyes because in the next moment his eyes broke away from mine and he took a step back. “Get changed.” He rasped but he cleared his throat before he spoke again. “It’ll be fun. I promise.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stumbled backwards slightly and his hand slowly let go of mine. I rushed to my room way quicker than normal and fell back against the door once it closed behind me. My breath came out in pants. </span>
  <em>
    <span>God I wanted him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And a tiny piece of my brain tried to say that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he wanted me too.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The feeling that settled over scared me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben </span>
  </em>
  <span>scared me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My fingers that were settled against my stomach sizzled. The small black bikini bottoms fell right below my hip bones. Need rushed through me. Flashes of his body on mine beside the pool, flitted through my brain. And I scanned my fingertips across the tops of the seam. My chest shuttered with my next breath and I dipped my finger below my swimsuit and trailed it down until I reached my center. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes fluttered shut. As soon as my finger felt the wetness I retracted my hand like it burned me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What am I doing? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I ripped off the bathing suit as fast as possible and rushed through the room to change clothes before Ben would come to check on me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben…</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whatever I was thinking about before had to stop and I pushed all thoughts out of my mind as I flew down the stairs. Just in time to see Ben about to make his way up the stairs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes scrunched together thoughtfully, “Are you okay? You look flushed.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned my back to him quickly feeling the rest of my face heat with embarrassment. “Uh— I’m fine. Just… running so that you didn’t yell at me for taking too long to get dressed.” I pushed back my wet hair with my fingers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your perception of me is tragic. I wouldn’t yell at you.” He pulled up to walk next to me out of the house and directed us towards his car.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, you’re right. I thought you would come up there so I was trying to avoid that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned wickedly, “I certainly was thinking about. You did take a moment.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was time to deflect, “So where are we going?” Before even he opened his mouth I cut him off, “And </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>say surprise.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He threw me a dry look, “If you insist… we’re going to school.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “School?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” He started pulling his way out of the driveway, “We’re going to our old stomping ground.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>15 minutes later he was pulling into the high school we went to. It looked almost exactly the same, it had only been about 6 years since I had graduated but it still felt weird for it to look just the same. Especially since my life had changed so much since then. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He got out of the door of the car and I followed suit, closing the door behind me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Old stomping grounds. Literally.” I was confused.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over at me with a small smirk, “Follow me.” And he titled his head in whatever direction he was going to go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I walked beside him, the warm air brushing my face with the wind. “So,” I looked down at my feet nervously, “How’s the new place? I’m sure you enjoy living on your own again.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced up just in time to see him send me a knowing look, “It’s good. Really nice. But I didn’t mind my last roommate.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm, well you moved out quick enough.” The truth was, it had only been a few days since our fight and I still was unsure how to joke about the situation the same way he did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips twitched as we walked past the high school to the trees in the back. “Well, I had my reasons.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried not to linger on it. Everything of the past few days pressed in the back of my mind angrily but I tried to tamper them down. “I didn’t see your parents a few nights ago. Did they…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>see everything?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded, knowing what I was saying without me having to say it. “Yeah. They were there. They checked on you after you fell asleep.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I looked down feeling uneasy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re almost there,” He motioned towards the first few trees of the woods. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later we’d been walking through the woods for a few minutes, we passed the tree line and walked along a path until we reached a small clearing with a creek and green grass. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My brows scrunched in confusion, “Is this the place we—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sat down on the grass with a smug look on his face. “Our old stomping grounds.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A laugh bubbled out of my chest as I looked around at this place I’d only been to a couple of times. “You brought me to the woods where you read me that awful poem freshman year?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The glower he gave me was this side of playful. “I was a sophomore and that was a fucking good poem. Don’t lie.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you’re forgetting.” I pointed out as I sat beside him. “I couldn’t stop laughing the whole time. Mr. Conners said to write something from the heart and you wrote a love poem about driving your car.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled, “Well, as a 16 year old I really enjoyed driving my car.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A tight lipped grin stretched across my face and I looked down at the grass underneath me, “So why here?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah,” he gestured forward, “Go ahead.” I sent him a confused look, “If I remember correctly, you used to monologue pretty well out here in the few times we came out here to work on stuff for writing club.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes widened, “I am not—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He started nodding, “Yes you are. Stand up there,” he pointed, “And speak.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I slowly stood to my feet and stood where he had pointed before. The look I gave him was dry but he just grinned in response. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head titled back and he looked up at the top of the tree line in thought, “Back then, when you went through something with your dad or just in life you would write it down and talk about it.” It was almost like he was trying to recall something as his face scrunched, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>And my ending is despair, Unless I be relieved by prayer, </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Which pierces so that it assaults </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mercy itself and frees all faults...</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I finished for him, “...</span>
  <em>
    <span>As you from crimes would pardon'd be, Let your indulgence set me free.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>My heart pounded against my chest. “The tempest.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You always liked that one.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did I? </span>
  </em>
  <span>I cleared my throat and looked to the side with a squint, “My dad used to quote that. He always said he gave up his magic for me.” Ben didn’t said anything, he just stared at me. “I just— feel… like I’ve made so many mistakes. And I can’t blame him anymore. He’s crazy but... </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>did these things to myself. And now,” I sniffed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I didn’t continue he asked, “Now what?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now…” I sighed, “I let him screw with my head. He… got in— He—” I threw my hand out in front of me, “I let him </span>
  <em>
    <span>screw</span>
  </em>
  <span> me. How could I be so blind? How could I… just let him in?” The same knot formed in my throat again and my eyes welled with tears. “I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be the one who follows in my father’s fucked up footsteps. Or be a— w—whore like my mother…” The lines switched between Henry and Alexander, I wasn’t sure who I was talking about anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not a whore, Rey…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pursed my lips to try and stop from crying, “But I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be that. I don’t want to be so emotional and on edge.” My eyes found his, “I don’t want to freak out at you for moving out. I want to be more. Can’t I just be… more?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The wind shifted and blew my hair back. I sniffed and wiped my hand across my face. “He took so much from me. I'm not going to let him continue taking from me.” I crossed my arms, “But I don’t know what to do.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded slowly, “I think you should see someone. A counselor or something. But you’ve been repressing your feelings for a long time now. It’s time to heal.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes held mine and I shifted under their weight, “It’s time for you to heal too.” It came out as a whisper but I could tell he heard it. “You can’t hate her forever.” He was completely impassive except for the line in his jaw. “You </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> love her. Even if you won’t admit it now. She had that quality that just made everyone love her.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Paige...</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With that, I lowered myself to sit beside him in the grass and huffed out a breath. The quiet of the woods shifted. The small creak sounded loud all of the sudden and the birds came into focus. We sat in silence as I sobered up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe we both need to heal.” He finally said after a while. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I still can’t believe you brought me here.” I said dramatically. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His somber face slowly fell and a smile grew on his lips, “I wanted someplace different.” He shrugged, “And you needed to talk about what happened.” There was a pause in his voice, “I’m sorry about your book. I know it was important to you. And even though I didn’t like the guy… I’m sorry about Alex.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Me too…</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I’m not sorry about punching your dad though. He deserved it.” He sounded proud almost. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laughed, “What did he say anyways? I couldn’t hear.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face got hard and he pursed his lips like how he always did when he got mad, “He said something about Tom. Something fucking racial, like his black wife and step son weren’t standing right there to hear it.” He shook his head in disgust, “I’m sorry but your father’s a fucking dick.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…” I nodded and then squinted up at the sky, “He is.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned towards me and I watched his jaw unclench, “What are you going to do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sigh that came out was much deeper than I intended, “Well, I’m going to get the restraining order. I thought that maybe one day we’d be able to reconcile or that’s impossible now. And I’m not sure what I’m going to do about Alexander. I have to get my manuscript back from him so I guess I have to go up there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t really sure what to do about Alex. I felt like I had to tread carefully if I wanted my book back. Which made me feel stupid for going through with it after both Cathrine and Ben told me I shouldn’t trust him. Thankfully Ben wasn’t rubbing it in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But, he used me and now has access to my work. And I don’t… know if I’m ready to give up on my book yet.” I frowned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You shouldn’t.” His thumbs were circling each other as his forearms rested on his knees and I couldn’t take my eyes away. “You have a talent. I know I read your book and all that but I’m talking about even back in high school. You had this… ease with writing. Like it was your preferred form of communication. Whether it’s this book or another… it’s gonna work out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My pulse raced. The same feelings from earlier at the pool rushed through me. Ben was handsome, he’d been handsome in high school too, but his 20’s was prime years for him. He grew into his height and his face and his hair was a little bit longer than he used to wear it; and it suited him. The boy that was hot in high school was now a grown man who was sexy beyond belief and like death in a suit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And he wants you…</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook the thought away from the bad part of my brain and tried to focus. But his eyes were clouded and they looked at me like he </span>
  <em>
    <span>more </span>
  </em>
  <span>than wanted me— Like he needed me. The distance between us seemed to shrink and the chirping birds and rustling leaves faded into the background. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hot air was burning my lungs and I looked away quickly from his gaze. “I uh—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I was cut off as his hand gripped my cheek roughly and whipped my head around to his as he caught my lips </span>
  <em>
    <span>hard</span>
  </em>
  <span> with his. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was jolted with the sensations that flooded me and like electricity it shot across my mouth and down my neck. He held it there and I was completely incapable of moving even an inch. This moment that I had been waiting for, for so long had happened and it was… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ever so gently his lips released and moved against mine and all the paralysis stopped and my mind went into overdrive. His hand that held my face shifted back into my hair and my body was on fire. He hadn’t even opened his mouth and I was almost </span>
  <em>
    <span>mewling</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I reached up to anchor myself to him in someway because while I had experienced other kisses and like them… this was different. I had butterflies. And it felt like the ground had shifted from underneath me in just a few seconds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And I fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But before I could reach his hair he pulled back slowly, and I became aware of how stuff I truly was. He had shocked me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I—” he stopped and looked down, his face only inches from mine and I felt his breath blow over me at his sigh. His eyes navigated back to meet mine. “I almost kissed you once. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t respond. My throat was suddenly dry and my mouth was hanging open slightly, silently praying he would finish what he had started. But he pushed up on his legs to stand and reached out to help me up too, instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Follow me on tumblr to ask me and questions about the story or for the update schedule <br/>       Fearthefaithful1</p><p>Also if you would like to give me coffee to help with all the late nights... (or a donut) my Ko-fi is <br/>        Fearthefaithful</p><p>ALSO ALSO I have a new story called Through The Valley and your should check it out!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It’s been a minute...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Can you grab the white bread beside you?” Cathrine pointed over towards the brand of bread to the left of my shoulder, “Your dad will only eat white bread for whatever reason. Even at 57 years old.” I passed the bread over to her over the shopping cart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The grocery store was fairly busy and the shoppers behind us prevented her from being able to get around me to grab anything. “Do you want those pita sandwich bread things too?” I glanced over at them before looked back at her in question. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I think we’re good.” She moved to push her cart down the rest of the aisle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So,” she looked over to me while we walked down the next aisle, “How was your first 2 sessions?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I averted my eyes quickly, “It’s… okay. I don’t really know if I like her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The doctor?” She sounded disbelieving. Or humored. Or both. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” I frowned, “She was a little nosy and always had this… look of fake concern on her face.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Which Doctor Ackbar was. For a small elderly lady, she was way too interested and invested in my life within a short notice. I sat down and immediately she bombarded me with questions. I sat and tried to drum my fingers against my legs too nervously. But I was. Nervous. And finally when she asked about Ben… I knew it was time for me to leave. Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>God, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I did not need that woman asking me questions I didn’t have the answer to. So after the first mention of Ben from her instead of me, I clammed my mouth shut for the remainder of the session. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine laughed breathily from beside me, “She’s a therapist, honey. They’re supposed to be nosy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My tongue ran on the inside of my top lip, “I don’t like nosy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So…” She trailed off and sent me a knowing look, “Did she ask about Ben or Paige?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The cringe I felt crawled down my spine, “I’m assuming </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> sent her my biography?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t tell her anything actually.” She curved around the corner towards the milk and dairy. “Maybe she did her research. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a doctor.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I snorted, “Hardly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So she asked you questions about Ben or Paige and you froze?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shifted my lips side to side as I leaned on the shopping cart, “I don’t have any answers.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She turned and held me with a look. “It’s July, honey. Paige died in January. You should be able to read her letter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s what Dr. Ackbar said too.” The ladies behind us were beginning to glance over as we stood in the middle of the milk aisle, “But how did she even find out about that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her eyebrows pinched together, “Is that where Ben is going too?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span> My head tilted back and I groaned, “It is isn’t it?” I wanted to stomp my foot in frustration. “Of course it is. Goddammit.” Doctor Ackbar had known almost everything before I had even walked in the room. “I can’t believe this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, there’s only a certain amount of good therapists in this town.” She turned back to grab a few things from the chilled shelves. After she sat them down in the cart she turned to regard me. “Why haven’t you read Paige’s letter?” Her voice turned soft. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Liar.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure I believe that.” That was Cathrine’s nice way of calling me a liar too. “I know things these last few weeks have been hard but… I want to know.” She pursed her lips before speaking again, “Ben read his.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent her an annoyed look through my lashes, “What does Ben have to do with this?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled sadly, “Everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My gaze flicked away quickly, done with the conversation. We pressed through the store silently after that. We checked out. Walked to the car. And it wasn’t until we had loaded all the groceries and both buckled in that she broke the silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Baby…” Her voice was soft and gentle and it coaxed my eyes to hers. “You still love him, don’t you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A quick breath huffed out my nose, “Honestly mom, did you really think things changed?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She grimaced, “I’m sorry, honey. I—“ She paused to think, “I thought you were moving on. With Alex. Or with your life. And then Paige… passed. I didn’t know what to say. You pulled back from me so much once you got with Alexander. I wasn’t sure how to ask you.” She gripped my hand. “And then Ben moved in and everything got… different. But now… it’s like he loves you and you’re unsure. Like things switched.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glared at her, “Things did switch. He got married.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But Paige—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I cut her off, “But Paige nothing.” I shook my head. “He got </span>
  <em>
    <span>married</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I watched it. I loved him. He got married. I watched it. And then he said </span>
  <em>
    <span>thank you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. —Thank you like I fucking helped him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you did.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes rolled and I huffed out a laugh, “How? I probably made it worse. And it made Carter break up with me so…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not everything is black and white, baby. This is a complicated situation. Ben was hurting.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent her a pained look, “And now I’m hurting. So what? That doesn’t mean I’m gonna go marry…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alex. Or Carter.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked at me but I was looking straight out the window, “So does that mean you haven’t read her letter yet because you’re scared?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time o found the courage to speak my voice sounded choked up and throaty with emotion, “I hate it when people leave.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She went silent. But I could feel her thinking. I turned to look over at her and leaned the side of my head against the headrest of the seat. “Can I tell you something?” I felt a tear make its way down my face. I was so fucking tired of crying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Always.” It was a whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn't even look her in the eye. “This guy my dad owed money to came one time. My dad had been gone for a full week and this guy was trying to get paid. I don’t even know how he got in because I was in my bedroom asleep. But I thought it was my dad so I walked in there…” another choking sound came from me, “He started touching me and saying stuff about his payment being taken another way.” This time the choking sound came from the other side of the car. “I was so young I had no idea what he was talking about. But I was still terrified. Just then Henry came home from wherever the hell he’d been. The guy almost had my pants off just as Henry walked in and Henry stabbed him. There was blood everywhere. But I couldn’t scream or anything.” My mom was crying in earnest now. Fully picturing the situation I had just depicted. “The guy ran out and I’m not sure if he died on the streets or something but we never saw him again.” I sniffed. “But— I was so relieved that my dad decided to show up after a week and save me that I thought he was my </span>
  <em>
    <span>hero</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” The way I said it was cold and bitter and it made my own skin want to crawl— I could tell what it was doing to Cathrine. “I was so fucking grateful. Like he was Jesus and— and I… I thought he was my super hero. How fucked up is that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I could say another word Cathrine gripped my shoulders and tightened her arms around me in a hug. We both cried. It felt cathartic. We sat there for a while just letting it all out. I cried to release everything. She cried for me. And maybe a little part of what section of my life she wasn’t a part of. Of what happened and the emotional manipulation impressed on me by my father. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When we finally pulled apart she drove back to the house in silence. It was Saturday, brunch day, and we had to get started on breakfast quickly to be able to eat in time. But I stayed quiet, even as she turned up Frank Sinatra, and started swaying around the kitchen. It felt different. Lighter. Like this heaviness in my chest had evaporated. Nothing else changed. Just that. Like this hatred I had for my father all these years once I realized what he’d done was over. And switched to detachment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up and Tom who just walked in and was smiling adoringly at Cathrine’s movements. And then glanced over at Cathrine who sang brightly to the jazzy lyrics and tune. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This</span>
  </em>
  <span> was my family. These were my people. Even if we fought or disagreed… they didn’t leave. Cathrine and Tom stood by my side through everything. And I suddenly knew they would continue. I didn’t need Henry or my mother in my life the way I always thought I had. They didn’t control me the way it always felt they had. Cathrine sashayed over to Tom and grabbed him overdramatically to dance with her. Their laughs filled over the music and I couldn’t pull my eyes away. They loved each other. It was overwhelming watching their love. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>About that time I noticed Ben standing in the doorway. He was watching in the shadows with the same fondness as Cathrine and Tom danced in the kitchen. His eyes met mine after a moment and the warmth in my chest grew a little. Ben ducked his head and made his way over to the island where my fingers were still hidden in the forgotten dough. The song changed to something slower and Cathrine went back to working as she reached for the fruit salad bowl she had been mixing and walked it towards the patio doors. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben was quiet and I looked back down to the dough between my fingers. Tom reached over and turned down the music a little bit once Cathrine made her way out of the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I missed this. Feels like it’s been a while since we had brunch with all of us.” Ben mentioned as he started opening the required ingredients for the punch he was making. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” I agreed. “I’m excited. It does seem like it’s been a while. Especially since it’s the last one before Rose and Finn are married.” Which we were all leaving for in the next 24 hours. “And I like that your parents come to these now too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to gauge his expression but his face didn’t change much. The warmth in my chest cooled a little bit at his coldness and detachment. It happened so much lately I wasn’t sure what to do with it. After he kissed me a few weeks before there was immediate distance. We saw each other but our frequent Sunday coffee and shopping had stopped. He never looked at me for too long and most of the time created a few feet of space between us when we were in the same room. And he was doing it again. His casual shift on his feet told me everything I needed to know and yet nothing at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t know where his head was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He</span>
  </em>
  <span> kissed </span>
  <em>
    <span>me.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He made our friendship awkward and then created space between us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you packed?” He questioned absently, still keeping his eyes from wandering anywhere close to mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, no. Not exactly. You?” I tried to sound much cooler than I felt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded and his lips rolled a bit. I caught myself staring at them much more often than I should have since our kiss. “Yeah, I wanted to be prepared and such.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All of the sudden my conversation with Cathrine flooded my head, “Hey!” I exclaimed and quickly abandoned my dough, “You didn’t tell me you go to Dr. Ackbar.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time he did look up at me but his face still remained impassive, “Isn’t there hipaa or something that keeps my information private.” He was such a smart ass. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You told her about my letter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrows shot up, “Your letter?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“From Paige. You told her I didn’t read it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A small smirk grew on his face, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I told Dr. Ackbar that you read </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> letter. And in turn she asked if I read yours and I told her no. Because I wanted to let you first.” He turned back to his earlier goal on the countertop. “I can’t help it that she’s intuitive.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I narrowed my eyes, but he continued to look at his slow dicing of fruit, “And how is that not a hipaa violation? Bringing information from your session to mine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged, “Because I told her she could.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span> “I knew you wouldn’t really tell her too much. So I told her that anything I said about you that she felt necessary she could use or share.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My jaw dropped a little, “That’s…. You’re terrible.” I grouched and turned back to my forgotten dough. “Now I have to find a new doctor.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent me a look that I could barely see out of the corner of my eye, “You’re so dramatic. If anyone is gonna find a new doctor it should be me. Dr. Ackbar is the best.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine made her way back into the kitchen with a bright smile, not sensing the awkwardness of the room. “Rose and Finn will be here soon. Let’s get those biscuits baking, Rey. I’m ready to eat.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was gone again within another blink and I separated the dough into small pieces and stuck the pan in the oven. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My nervousness grew to my hands and I rubbed them along my sides to try and quell it. Ben’s knife scraped against the wood to move the diced fruit into the bowl. “We’ll actually get to have breakfast like old times tomorrow. How we used to. Be friends again.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes met me full force now, they were mocking me. And words passed through them that he didn’t say. I wondered briefly what he was even thinking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes fell from mine as quickly as they met them. And once again I was left with feeling the distance in our friendship. Another silence fell over but this one a little more tense.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> “Of course we’re friends Reylin.” He finally broke the tension in the room and in me. A breath I didn’t know I was holding burned out of my lungs like smoke. “Plus we’ll be spending the whole week together on the ship.” His smile at me this time was completely genuine. The warmth in my chest rose again with a vengeance. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Friends</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “We’ll have breakfast together every morning if you want.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I want</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” I grabbed one of the grapes in front of him and popped it into my mouth. Feeling much more comfortable than I was 5 minutes before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello family! I’m getting married!” Rose’s voice sang through the house from the front door. Within moments she was practically skipping through the kitchen with her hair piled on top of her head. She was already beach ready. “Caribbean here we come!” Every single part about her scream too many mimosas before 11am and Finn’s loving grin as he followed after her did the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were happy. And about to get married. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We were all set for their cruise wedding which was going to take place on Wednesday on the ship. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you drunk already? I’m pretty sure it’s 11 in the morning.” Ben was laughing as Rose stumbled a little in her pursuit to get over to me and hug me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She threw him a pout, “Only a little. Plus this is basically my wedding shower so I think I have permission to be a little bit tipsy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes but it did him no good since they were still so full of humor and even love that she couldn’t take him seriously. Even in her current state. “Are you even packed? Or are you going to live in your wedding dress the whole week.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No no.” She swallowed and stood up straighter from me a bit. “I actually packed just before I came here. I got my wedding dress and my bathing suits and… my make up!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn interjected for her when she trailed off in thought, “Don’t worry. I’m gonna make sure everything is packed tonight before we leave. Not just 6 pairs of swimsuits.” He looked just as happy and tipsy as Rose but he seemed a little bit more sober. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Perfect!” Cathrine gushed as she walked through the door. “Everyone is here. Leia and Han arrived just a few minutes ago. Let’s eat!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They all filed out of the room, Rose’s giggle fading away as they got to the patio. But I stayed behind and glanced down at my hands as the room quieted down. Ben who was trailing behind the group turned when he saw I hadn’t moved. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it helping?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mind raced to try and find his meaning, “Is what helping?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I watch as he shifted on his feet but his face stayed the same, “Your sessions with Dr. Ackbar?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
  <span> My gaze averted, “I’ve only had 2 session.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But is it helping?” He persisted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed, “I don’t know. She’s… well, her methods are a little irritating and I’m not entirely sure the purpose of some of her questions.” He didn’t look satisfied with my answer. “And I don’t know how to talk to her about…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nope. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“...some stuff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded slowly, “Okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well…” I started, “Is it helping you?” My question was quiet and a little breathless. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A grin twitched at his lips until he finally ducked his head and I could tell his smirk grew a little more. I waited for his answer but it never came, and when he looked up at me I realized I wasn’t going to get one. The smirk was something I hadn’t seen in a while and then he made his way out of the room, turning his back to me before I could identify the look completely. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>WHOS READY FOR A CRUISE? 🚢</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter 27</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the slow updates guys... life is crazy right now. They may be slow but I will keep them consistent. </p><p>And your comments do help so much! They make me feel better about my writing! 🥺 I’m so sorry I haven’t gotten to reply to a lot of them lately.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I sat up quickly in my seat. My breath escaping me like someone had knocked me in the chest. I apparently had talked asleep and beside me in the large plane Ben was staring at me with a suspicious look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” He had his phone in his hand like he was reading something and was lounged back against the long seat we shared in the back of the plane. I glanced in front of us to see Finn and Rose in the middle section of the plane who were both fast asleep, laying on each other and then to Cathrine and Tom across the aisle who both spoke quietly as they ate from a snack bag. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” I dismissed him and lowered my eyes back to my seat. “Weird dream. How far are we?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked back at his phone. “We should be getting to Florida in about 20 minutes. What was the dream about?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes widened a fraction and I felt my cheeks heat but I ducked my head to hide my reaction. “Nothing. I don’t even remember.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt his eyes on me. He was quiet so long that I looked up just to verify that he was even still looking at me. He was. “You said it was weird so you remember something.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>you were in it</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Nothing. I seriously don’t remember.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I was doing something I most certainly shouldn’t be doing with a married man. Or…. whatever he was. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He still studied my but didn’t push it any more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I cleared my throat, “What are you reading?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes narrowed slightly but then relaxed after a moment, “A manuscript for work.” He locked his phone and set it on the tray table in front of him. “My client enjoys her fair share of sex in her novels. I’ve been putting it off.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why? Atleast sex is </span>
  <em>
    <span>some</span>
  </em>
  <span> action. Some of the manuscripts I read are so boring I feel like I dozed off while reading.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He scrunched his face and shifted to face me a little more. “Let’s just say, this specific type of sex does not appeal to me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was taken aback, “What does that mean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A small smirk twitched at his lips, “It’s boring sex. If you’re going to write a sex scene make it hot. Maybe there is an audience for this— well, I know there is. A group of women who want all their sex to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>love making</span>
  </em>
  <span> and soft and tender where they stare into each other’s eyes the whole time but honestly it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>shit</span>
  </em>
  <span> to read.” His lips smacked together silently, “And not actually that appealing in real life either.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t help myself, “So what </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> not boring sex to you then? Since that apparently is not.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pinned me with a look and his smirk grew, “I wouldn’t want to scare you. I seem to remember you thinking a bed was the only place </span>
  <em>
    <span>to</span>
  </em>
  <span> have sex.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I’ve changed since then.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you?” His voice was quiet, “You’ve fucked someone other than Alexander in the past few months? Or did he finally learn how to actually get you off.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried not to flush at his words but it came up anyways but I pressed the confidence back into my voice. Confidence I didn’t actually have. “Maybe. You did move out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He leaned forward, and suddenly I was flooded with the memory of his lips on mine for a few weeks before. It had been short and sweet with no real passion behind it but lust had flooded me just the same. “You’re telling me…” his voice was so low I was sure I was the only one who could hear him, but I still glanced around the plane to be sure no one heard, because just from the look in his eyes I could tell whatever he had to say was meant for my ears only, “That you had someone over there and finally broke in that kitchen island?” He leaned back after he saw the look on my face, “I highly doubt that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh god. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The </span>
  <em>
    <span>kitchen island. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mind had gone to the thoughts of that kitchen island. And even though this was the first time since that night he first mentioned that it was brought up again, it had come to my mind during fantasies or dreams more times than I could count. Me and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben</span>
  </em>
  <span> and that kitchen island. And even after that kiss, when I had gone home later that night… It plagued me even more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it couldn’t ever happen because… Paige. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then before I could stop myself I asked the question that had been swirling around my mind, “Did you and Paige have sex?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It came out so quick, but his reaction was quicker. He flinched back like I had stung him with my words and his face lost its playfulness and went right back to its regular blank expression. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rushed to explain my thoughts, “I mean because she was sick and liked Poe and you— I guess I’m just… I was wondering if you guys ever actually had sex. Because sometimes her letter and how you talk about it makes it seem like you guys were just…” I didn’t know how to finish. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His blank expression never changed but I could see his mind turning. “We… did— Yes. For a while. But, towards the end no. I was never sure of it but I think she slept with Poe at some point. Maybe a few times— I’m not really sure. We never really admitted to each other that the relationship was fake. But it was just something unspoken between us that we just didn’t love eachother like that towards the last few years. So I kind of think something happened but I’m not entirely sure.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t sure how to process much of what he said. “I don’t think she would cheat on you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged and settled back into his seat, “Maybe not. But I know for a fact she slept with him during one of our breakups.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I paused for a few moments, “But you guys did… sleep together.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. We did. At the beginning. I had always had this big crush on her when I was little and then we started dating. I didn’t lose my virginity to her but I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>her </span>
  </em>
  <span>first. As the feelings started to fizzle out but we were just kind of… stuck. And then she kept getting worse so we couldn’t really move on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words were being said but I was probably only picking up on half of them. I cleared my throat nervously at my next question, “And what about you? Did you ever sleep with someone when you two were broken up?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes met mine. They were unrelenting and completely honest and I knew the answer before he even had to say it, “Yes.” It was quiet, but unwavering.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breath burned in my chest, “Oh.” I seat he’d desperately for a subject change because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>did not</span>
  </em>
  <span> want to hear anything about any of the women he had chosen to have sex with in between him and Paige’s break ups. Nope. Not at all. “You never answered my question.” I looked over his shoulder again just to verify that Cathrine and Tom were completely oblivious of our conversation. “What type of sex do you deem not boring? Since apparently your book is.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tense but blank look eased into a warm smile and he visibly relaxed, with a wolfish grin growing on his face. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and flopped back against the seat as we started our descent, “You always make these ominous comments. I’m starting to think you’re a virgin.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His grin widened and he pushed the tray table back up, “Is that what you think?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That or you’re just a dick.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent me a look but his eyes rolled lazily afterwards. “Why are you so curious about my sex life? I think you should be more worried about yours, Ms. ‘I only have sex in beds and probably only orgasm 25% of the time.’” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lip curled in disdain, “I’m pretty sure I’ve had sex last.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re pretty sure?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. And I have— I have or…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He cut me off, “No need in lying, Reylin. I know the truth.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A voice came over the speakers, “Ladies and gentlemen, we will be landing shortly. Please fasten your seatbelts and prepare for landing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>2 hours later we were all off the plane and were boarding the cruise ship, where the drinks were already flowing and the energy was rising. We were making our way through the hallways to our rooms and there were already people we were passing that were drunk. And the ship had only been boarding for an hour. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve already decided, I’m gonna be sober the first 2 days so that my skin is glowing and I’m not hung over by Wednesday.” Rose said as she hauled her luggage through the hallway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn turned to look at me over his shoulder with a disbelieving look at Rose’s proclamation and I lifted my hand to cover my laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m serious, guys. I’m getting fucking married on Wednesday and I am not even having a sip of alcohol until after that. I swear.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We believe you, honey.” Cathrine said wistfully. Which was a complete lie. Rose wasn’t an alcoholic with a problem but she was a party girl. And her and Finn together could wipe out a liquor store on a good night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Tom said glancing down at the keys in his hand. “Rose and Finn you guys are over there.” He pointed to the room to his left, “Ben you’re over there in 8217.” He gestured to the room number and hundred Ben his key. “Rey, you’re in the one right here and we’re right next to you. Dinner’s at 7.” He smiled as he finished handing everyone their key and started turning into his room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I lingered in the hall just for a minute, watching everyone else move their luggage into their rooms. Ben caught me standing as he slid his key from the slide lock in the door. “Something wrong?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It feels weird.” I stopped, “Paige not being here. But you’re here. And she’s not. It feels weird.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes pierced me but he nodded, like he completely understood what I was trying to say. Even if I didn’t. He slowly reached his arm behind him to pull something from his backpack and walked towards me. “This is still sealed. And Rose gets married this week. So when I saw it on your kitchen counter when we picked you up I grabbed it.” He shoved Paige’s clean white letter into my hands, “I think you should read it.” His eyes were imploring into mine like he knew something I didn’t that he was trying to convey. “I find it weird too. Being a part of her family without her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just then Rose’s door flew open and she held a big grin, “Come on guys. Let’s get in the hot tub before everyone else does.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Be right there.” I said with a small smile. I backed towards my room and slipped in looking at the letter as it sat in my hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My luggage was abandoned somewhere in the room but the letter stayed in my hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The warning sirens were going off in my head telling me to abort mission— drop the letter and walk out the door. But I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t. So I slipped my pointer finger under the fold of the envelope and slid across until it lifted the seal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pulled the folded papers out before I could chicken out and sat on the edge of the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear Rey, </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I have so much to say to you, to tell you. I know you probably feel confused or frustrated with me and the secrets I kept. The truth is, if I’m being honest with myself I have no real excuse. Yours is my last letter to write because I had no clue how to fit in everything I wanted to say with you into a small envelope and seal it. You came into my life at the most amazing moment, when I felt like fun was impossible and you became the fun. Even in high school I was boring and too consumed with my mom's death and my impending one that I forgot how to laugh and have fun. But you were fun and adventurous. And fearless. Or so I thought. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And then I got to know you and realized you weren’t fearless because you were without fear but in spite of it. You were scared of so much, but you were so hard to read that you always seemed completely fearless and sure of yourself. I admired your spontaneity. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But you can be vulnerable, Rey. I made that mistake. While you were fearless and spontaneous I was planned and calculated. But I didn’t let myself be vulnerable with people either. Please learn from my long, long list of mistakes. Longer than I can count really. Please be better than me. Get help if you need it. And be honest with those you care about and most importantly yourself. I couldn’t be honest with myself much less other people and even in death I know I will pay the price for it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I want to explain myself a little bit to give myself maybe the slightest bit of redemption I don’t deserve. I was scared. I operated solely out of selfishness and fear and damaged so many people. Ben most of all. I think he cares for you. I was too selfish and scared to let him go. The idea that setting him free meant that I had to tell you and Rose the truth terrified the shit out of me. I wasn’t planned then. I wasn’t thoughtful or calculated. It was unforgivable. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s January, I’m not sure how much time I have left. But I know he cares for you. I’ve taken all your chances from both of you. And I took my chances from me too to find true love in whatever time I had left. My wedding to him was magical and amazing and I do love him…. but it’s not the same. I can’t even describe it. And I’m sure this seems like rambling now. But I needed you to know...called you that night to tell you the truth. Right before the wedding. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I called you to tell you I couldn’t lie anymore or keep hurting the people I love. But you got on the phone and I chickened out. I was going to tell you that I was dying and I had no idea how long I had left. And that I wanted to spend my last few months with my family being happy. But you sounded like you had so much trust and faith in me that I didn’t want to ruin that. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am so, so sorry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Please don’t make the same mistakes as I did. Live your life and be honest with yourself and with our little melded together family. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t expect your forgiveness but I love you all the same. You’re my sister and my friend. And I’m so grateful that you came into my life. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you,</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Paige Tico</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time I had made my way to the main deck where Rose and Finn were already laughing and sipping lighting at their frozen drinks. Ben, on the other hand, who was sitting in the hot tub with them, was looking at me. Through the crowd of people he was studying me, waiting to see what my reaction was. The closer I got the more his gaze burned my skin. I sent him a soft, tentative smile as I lowered myself into the steaming water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t have to say anything. And neither did he. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He knew</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” I said quietly when Finn and Rose weren’t paying attention. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at me and I saw his eyes grow warm and a smile start to play at his lips. Something genuine. And real. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And I smiled back. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>GROWTH??? </p><p>Who is she???</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Chapter 28</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Who am I kidding.... yes I keep upping the chapter count.....</p><p> </p><p>I’m so sorry. I will finish this one day.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>A large plate of steak was set in front of me alone with the rest of the table whose food was arriving at the same time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This looks… amazing.” Rose sounded awestruck. She grabbed a french fry from her plate as soon as it hit the tabletop and tossed it into her mouth. “This was the best idea ever. I love cruises.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is your first one. And the first day.” I pointed out with a grin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It feels like we’ve been on here for more than just a few hours. I’m already in love with it. I may want to live on a cruise.” She turned towards Finn while popping another fry into her mouth, “Can we do that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled, “Why not? Whatever you want babe.” Just then he turned and winked at Ben who sat at the end of the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, this is good. And I have been on a cruise before.” Cathrine said as she started her own eating. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are we eating dinner here after the wedding, Rose?” I asked while slicing into my steak. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, we’re eating at some luxurious steak house right afterward on like one of the top levels of the ship.” She flushed with a genuine smile and my heart warmed at the excitement in her eyes. She was getting married. She was going to be happy. The life that Paige didn’t get to live </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> does. “I can’t believe I’m getting married.” Her smile was big and it fell slightly. “And I can’t believe Paige won’t be there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t know what to say, so I let Finn comfort her on that side of the table. But Paige’s letter was still fresh in my mind. And even more fresh was Ben’s statement about her sleeping with Poe. I wasn’t sure how I felt about Paige. She was right, I didn’t feel so easy about forgiving her. And when I glanced up at Ben while Finn and Rose talked about Paige, I wondered if he had. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Had he forgiven her for possibly cheating on him and forcing him to sign the NDA all those years ago? Had he forgiven her for lying and keeping him from being able to live his life because she was scared? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Ben was grown. Sure there was the NDA and all but he was a grown man who chose to stay with her. And I wrestled with that concept of him staying with someone he wasn’t in love with and even </span>
  <em>
    <span>marrying</span>
  </em>
  <span> them. Then this guilty feeling started bubbling in my stomach because the truth was… I stayed with Carter when I knew I didn’t love him. And he wasn’t even sick or a childhood crush. I stayed with him because </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span> was scared. And because… of Ben. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked over at him again but his focus was on Rose and she rambled on about some childhood story with Paige and he slowly ate his food. My decisions as far as Ben had been made out of fear. And while I didn’t trust or forgive Paige where I was in my life right now… I knew I didn’t want to continue to make the same mistakes going forward. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wanted to talk with him. I needed to talk with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes flitted over to me, noticing the attention, and I averted my eyes quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dinner after that went slowly. My mind went through what I wanted to say to Ben. All the questions I wanted to ask. And then I remembered what he had said a while back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you...</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The truth was we avoided. Or at least I did and it seemed like lately, he had been avoiding me. After the kiss, I had hardly seen him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But we were stuck on a boat now and it felt like it might be time to talk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey?” I distantly heard Cathrine’s voice calling me back to the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” I asked quickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was asking what everyone’s plans were tomorrow.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Uh—” I cleared my throat trying to regain my thoughts and focus on the question, “I’m not sure. I figured I would do whatever everyone else was planning. Or whatever Rose wanted me to do.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose sent me a look, “Tomorrow’s fun day, Rey Rey. Try and do something that’s not writing or working. You used to be a lot more fun, you know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I scrunched my nose at her playfully, “I’m still fun. But I’m like… in charge of people now so I gotta be grown sometimes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” she stuck her tongue out, “That’s what all the boring adults say.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben chuckled lightly beside me and Rose’s attention turned to him, “Okay you have never been fun so you better heed my words too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent her a smile that spoke widely of their camaraderie,  and I had a fleeting thought about how close they had become since Rose moved in with us. They had moved past some of the ‘sister of my girlfriend’ to ‘like my own sister.’ It was endearing even, how they supported and loved each other even after everything that happened like they were family. And I found myself smiling at them. Because the truth was — that they deserved that in each other. Rose had outside friends at work and such but no one really understood her life or there was no one she trusted. Ben had no real friends beside me and Finn. Any friends from his old job long gone. But there was Rose. And they got each other. And this odd sensation that Paige would be happy about that, came over me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head to rid myself of my own thoughts. Because Paige… Paige had done enough damage during her last few years that Rose and Ben’s friendship is actually in </span>
  <em>
    <span>spite</span>
  </em>
  <span> of her. In </span>
  <em>
    <span>spite </span>
  </em>
  <span>of her lies and selfishness, their friendship was formed. And whatever happened between Poe and Paige or whatever happened between her and Ben even… was over and everything she had done to destroy relationships— even subconsciously… didn’t work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We finished dinner and the conversation continued on. I watched fondly as my </span>
  <em>
    <span>made</span>
  </em>
  <span> family laughed and enjoyed each other. Ben who had somehow joined as if he had been apart a long time, looked to Cathrine and Tom like they were second parents to him… and maybe they were. After everything he had been through he had become apart of our little family as well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We left the table not too much later, everyone just a little bit more tipsy and a little bit more full than when we sat down–– Except me. I had barely touched my food or even my wine when we left the table and pulled together all of my courage for what I had wanted to say. We walked slowly back to the room and I trailed behind glancing between the group. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I briefly tried to tune into the conversation that was happening in front of me, “But then she kept brushing his shoulder with her fingers. Like…” Rose made a hacking sound, “Ben is basically my brother… why would like even be okay with that?” She laughed, “And, I mean he was married to my fucking sister. Why would I ever be okay with one of my friends dating my sister’s husband?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt someone eyes on me but I didn’t look up. Unsure of whoever’s eyes were on me. And felt the burn as it seared up my chest and colored my cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rose, honey. One day Ben will remarry.” Cathrine added with a gentle tone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Rose tossed her hand flippantly, “As he should. But I mean it still shouldn’t be one of my friends. That would be weird.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The group went silent and I finally looked up as we all stood in front of our respective doors. Ben’s eyes watched Rose, unmoving. Finn’s eyes skirted around the ground confusedly. Cathrine’s eyes, though, were on me. When I caught them I couldn’t look away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry Rosie. I’m sure Ben’s a big boy and can figure it out.” Tom broke the silence with a double pat on Ben’s back before the group dispelled into their separate rooms. Except me and Ben. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I cleared my throat more awkwardly than I was hoping for. “Want to get some ice cream and walk around?” I pointed my key in the direction I thought I remembered the ice cream machine being in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked down at the suit pants and button up shirt he was wearing, “Let me change.” He titled his head back before he slipped through the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood there even after he had disappeared from the hallway. My thumbs danced and I tried to keep from the overwhelming nerves I felt stirring. I forced my feet to turn and rush into my room to change into jeans and a shirt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whatever I wanted to say to Ben or whatever I wanted to talk about in general was just on the tip of my tongue. Normal me probably would have picked an argument to get to the bottom of what I wanted but I wanted it to be different this time. I wanted a normal conversation. One where neither of us stomped off angry or crying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After changing I walked up to the door and sucked in a deep breath before I went outside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just talking. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A </span>
  <em>
    <span>normal</span>
  </em>
  <span>— everyday talk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You ready?” I asked as bravely as possible when I saw him standing outside waiting for me, his attention on his phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He slid up from where he was leaning against the wall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We started our walk towards the ice cream machine. My hands fidgeted with each other in front of me as we walked and I searched how to start the conversation. He seemed distracted and the more I focused in on him, the more distant he seemed. The truth was I noticed his distance since the kiss but now it seemed glaring. And maybe even worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It stayed quiet until the ice cream cones were in our hands and I tried testingly to break the silence, “Want to go to the top of the ship?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I saw the pensive look on his face and he hesitated. Confusion and frustration flared inside of me again but I tamped it down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A </span>
  <em>
    <span>normal </span>
  </em>
  <span>talk. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No fighting</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.” He answered and started taking the stairs two at a time on the open deck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is everything okay?” I questioned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, why?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I slid next to him as we walked leisurely towards the front of the boat. “I don’t know… you’re acting weird.” When he didn’t answer I paused, waiting until our final destination before I probed further. “Is it about what Rose said?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent me a look. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>No.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” My voice sounded exasperated, “What the hell is your deal? You’ve been weird for weeks and— Well you are acting like how you used to and you’ve been…” I wasn’t sure where I was going with this. “Honestly you’ve just been distant and brooding and like it was so sudden. I just wondered if something was wrong.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He continued to lick at his ice cream but his eyes studied me, “I was trying to give you… space.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Space—. You’re finally going to see Doctor Ackbar and so am I. You're getting help and you're getting better.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could hear what he wasn’t saying, “Why do </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>need space?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> no distractions.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I chewed on his response, “And you think that you’re a distraction.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think I don’t want to be one.” He corrected</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think I can decide for myself if you’re a distraction. Which you’re not.” I dismissed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes rolled but a playful smile grew on his lips, “Either way. I kissed you. And I wanted to do it but it can’t really happen again. At least for now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was focused on how his hands dusted against his thighs to wipe off the crumbs from the ice cream cone he just finished. “Why’s that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because. I don’t want to distract you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shifted closer as we both leaned on the railing out over the water but we were looking at each other, “So then why do I need space?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes looked over my face and when finally spoke his voice was almost a whisper, “Becsuse I want to kiss you again.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart skipped slightly, “Oh.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I can’t.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was breathless, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Why?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips twitched, “It’s not time yet, Reylin.” He turned away from me but his eyes dragged, like he didn’t really want to. “Things with us have always been different.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed, “But what does </span>
  <em>
    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span> mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A slow smile grew as gaze flitted over the dark ocean below. The breeze caught his hair at just that moment I could see the lines of his face stretching softly. He was quiet for a moment before changing the subject, “How was the letter? I didn’t read yours.” He gave me a side eye, “Like </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>read mine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My smile was guilty but I ignored his barb, “She seemed… odd. Like, she wasn’t saying something that she wanted to. In yours it felt like she knew she was selfish and poured out as much as she could but for mine it felt…” I considered my words, “—cut short.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded thoughtfully and pushed up from the railing, “She wrote yours last. I think it was just a few days before her passing, really.” His head tilted to the side slightly, “Did she say anything weird?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mostly just vague I guess. Which wasn’t too much like her. She dealt with the call she made to me. Right before the wedding.” He waited for me to continue, “She said that she called to tell me the truth, but was afraid of letting me down. And uh— she also… she said that she loved you but it wasn’t… she wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>in</span>
  </em>
  <span> love with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrow lifted in almost a sarcastic movement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She didn’t mention Poe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pursed his lips, “She wouldn’t. He knows very little about the situation. She wants him to think of her as this unfaithful cheater than a coward and a liar.” He continued, “She wants him to think she </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> love me but was just horrible enough to cheat on me with him for a good fuck. It would make her death— and life, less painful to him. He wouldn’t mourne her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But what about you?” I was facing him full on, and the wind was beating against my back. “What did she do for you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his lips, but he didn’t answer me. “I think you should talk to Poe.” I said after a while. “Or someone should. I think he deserves to know. Regardless of what she thought she was doing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey </span>
  </em>
  <span>Poe, I know you </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucked</span>
  </em>
  <span> my wife but… it’s all good because we weren’t like </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>in love. Just in denial.” He sent me a look. “Maybe </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> should talk to Poe, Reylin.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I cringed but a smile broke through, “Hey, you’re kinda acting normal with me again. Does this mean you're done giving me unnecessary space?” My feet shifted just slightly forward until I was a little closer to him than would be deemed ‘normal’. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes grew just slightly darker at my shift forward but he averted them away with a smirk he couldn’t seem to help before I really had a chance to look further, “You enjoy pushing limits.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You enjoy setting them.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I seem to recall you were the one who was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>keen</span>
  </em>
  <span> on distance and space once.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Bastard.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>seem to recall you showing up and eliminating that space a few times as well. And </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> space was for my own good.” My voice was provoking and playful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrow shot up, “And mine isn’t?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shifted forward again, “For me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked down at the shrinking space between us, “Maybe the space is for my own good this time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The space between us was so small, and his face the closest it had been since he had kissed me. And all I could think of was how I wanted to kiss him again. I knew I was flirting. I knew I was baiting but things felt different. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> felt different. And the other fears that once consumed me about Ben were gone. Even though I wasn’t sure what the future held… I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him. Even that day at the pool— I wanted him. My fingers that had found my wetness seeping from myself still remembered the feel. And then that night when they circled my clit— they remembered that too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes hadn’t strayed from his lips as I tried to push away every horny thought that had charged into my head like a stampede. But when I finally trailed my eyes up, I realized that while I had been looking at his lips, he had been looking at… </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. His eyes were memorizing my features and my breaths through my parted lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart ached in my chest again at the look he held in those depths. This time the year before my life was very different. And the thought of him even sparing me half a glance would have caused me to combust. Because this time the year before I was just getting back with Carter and doing everything I could to forget about Ben Solo— having no idea what the year ahead would hold for me or for Ben. And how our friendship would develop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes clashed with his and I froze. The wind halted to a stop around us, even on the breezy top deck of the ship. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pressed up on my toes before I could let my usual internal monologue and fear overwhelm me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When my lips met his he didn’t still like I thought he would. Instead his large hands shoved into my hair quickly, like he knew it was coming. And this time it wasn’t chaste. It was long. And drawn out. And full of unnamed emotions passing through each of us at the contact. His thumbs moved over my temples. And my hands gripped the back of his shirt like my life depended on it. Like I was terrified he would pull away any second. I moved to deepen the kiss and he followed suit, without a moment's hesitation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My grip grew stronger. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His fingers in my hair, firm but gentle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My tongue ran tentatively across his bottom lip and I felt a puff of air come from his nose like a short laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled back from me slowly, and my lips stayed, waiting— hoping he would come right back and finish the kiss properly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You,” his thumbs slid softly over my cheek bones, “Tempt me too damn much.” But his voice held no ire, and his eyes were warm. Like he felt every bit of that kiss in his toes like I did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I groaned, “This is not the time for space.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head threw back in a laugh and he pulled back further from my arms, “We are on a cruise ship with your family. And you just got out of an awful relationship with an asshole. This is the perfect time for space.” He looked to his side, “Unless you want me to fuck you right over there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lips parted in a silent gasp and my cunt clenched around absolutely nothing. I had no idea how to respond.  Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Absolutely. He could fuck me anywhere he liked at this point. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, I’m kidding.” He grinned, “We both need time to heal. We need some space. But I’ll try to stop acting weird.” His hands that had fallen by his side one reached up to brush my hair back behind my ears. “When I’m around you I can’t… keep my mind from thinking about how much time we missed. And how much I fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> you. So I back off hard. I know that. I won’t do that anymore.” He leaned down to look at me square, “But you need time. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We</span>
  </em>
  <span> need time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded deftly. Not really agreeing but also sensing that his words </span>
  <em>
    <span>kinda </span>
  </em>
  <span>made sense. We were on a cruise ship with Rose whose sister just died and she was married to this guy. And Ben and I both just got done with bad relationships. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But my body did not agree with my mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time we walked back to the room, my full conscience had come back and I was thinking more clearly. The kiss had been more the first but clearly not enough. And I wasn’t sure I could go much longer without more.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Pleaseeee comment and kudos and everything and find me on tumblr! I’m there to answer any questions or just to chat. </p><p>Love you guys ❤️❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Chapter 29</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>These past few weeks have been really hard as I’ve gone through a lot of craziness in my personal life that made it hard for me to write. And I spoke a little bit about it on my tumblr so if you’d like to keep up to date or even just chat the link for that is in the end notes!  </p><p>But I just wanted to let you guys know i value your comments so so much and I’m so thankful to all my avid readers who have stayed with me along this crazy journey. </p><p>Please leave a kudos and or a comment to let me know what you think of this chapter 👀 things are happening.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“But I thought Doctor Ackbar told you </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>to do anything drastic.” Ben chewed at some bacon from the side of his mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded through my drink. The orange juice combing down my throat, “She did but I’m not entirely sure that a tattoo is drastic.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tattoos are something that you do after a bad break up. Like dying your hair blonde.” He popped the rest of the bacon in his mouth. The volume of the breakfast dining area on the ship was loud but we had found a quieter corner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I’ve always wanted a tattoo. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Before</span>
  </em>
  <span> my break up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded while he swallowed the food so that his mouth was empty when he spoke again, “And that’s fine but it seems to fall under the drastic or I want bangs category.” When I sent him a confused look he elaborated, “When girls are sad or are going through an emotional crisis they decide to get bangs. And they act like they’re totally sane for it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, are you saying I’m having an emotional crisis?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He picked up his fork to start cut his pancakes into smaller pieces, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>No, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I’m saying that it falls under that category a lot. You’re almost 25 and you’ve never gotten a—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s voice was cut off by Cathrine and Tom’s presence at the table. “You two are up early. At least for vacation time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled at them as they sat down at the table with their foods at our booth. We all knew Rose and Finn wouldn’t be up for another couple of hours. But Ben and I had always been early risers. And Cathrine and Tom not too much later than that. “Mm, well he’s missed breakfast for the past few sundays so he had to make up for it.” I said, slyly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You missed Sunday breakfast with Rey?” Cathrine gasped sarcastically, “How dare you!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tom and Ben laughed along with her at the joke. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>cannot</span>
  </em>
  <span> believe you are taking his side. I thought you were supposed to be my mother.” My voice held an airy lightness to it despite my harsh words. Because of course, I knew she was joking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I, of course, am your mother. But even mothers can poke fun sometimes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did you two kids do last night after dinner?” Tom asked after a moment and Ben’s eyes shot up to mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I choked on my French toast. “Just got some ice cream and walked around.” Ben answered calmly. But I felt the heat creep it’s way up my neck. “Explored the decks, really.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We watched a movie. And then fell right asleep.” Cathrine sipped at her coffee as she spoke. “We’re old.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I heard that Rose and Finn went down to the dance club. I think I heard their door close across the hall at about </span>
  <em>
    <span>four</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Tom clicked his tongue. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They won’t be up for a while then.” I pointed out, happy that the conversation strayed away from what Ben and I did last night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Unless you want me to fuck you right over there.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words had haunted me into the night. And my dreams were plagued with his lips on mine. The temptation of it all. To just have him take me, wherever he’d like. The truth was, Ben and I had always been open and maybe just slightly crude. Our words playful yet lacking the pretense of propriety. And on the plane it had felt more like old times, in high school when we viciously teased each other or when I lost my virginity and he was the first person I wanted to talk to. But that mix of cocky asshole Ben and thoughtful sweetheart Ben caught me off sometimes. Because Ben on the plan would have fucked me. But Ben on the deck was concerned with my feelings. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But they were both equally him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And the truth was… I adored both. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I </span>
  <em>
    <span>craved </span>
  </em>
  <span>both.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They pressured me in different ways. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think we’re going to go sit on our balcony for a while and then go play bingo later. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> bingo, you know?” Cathrine tossed her hand, “Anyways, what about you two? Planning on skinny dipping or anything scandalous?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt nervousness tingle the back of my throat and Ben avoided my gaze religiously. But he never flinched, even though he felt the heat of my eyes in him. I rallied, “Ben’s too staunch for skinny dipping. He’s a very vanilla guy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Then</span>
  </em>
  <span> his eyes skidded over to me and a testing look came on his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lips pursed teasingly in response. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Two could play at your games Ben Solo. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben used to be a vice principal. Maybe he grew out of skinny dipping.” Tom added in with his mouth full of bacon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tom, dear lord, don’t talk with your mouth full— and you never grow out of skinny dipping. It’s the thrill of it really.” Cathrine lifted a napkin to Tom’s mouth to cover as his grin widened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh God— please, by all means </span>
  <em>
    <span>do not</span>
  </em>
  <span> skinny dip on this trip.” I laughed, “I may be scarred for life. And Paige may turn into bridezilla.” Ben’s eyes were still on me and I flourished under them. “But I'm not sure Ben is even going to hang out with me today. He’s been a recluse lately. I’ll just go to the singles club.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was taunting him. I knew. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips grew wider and he ran his tongue across his teeth underneath them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Singles club might be nice!” Cathrine cooed. “I always hear that the cruise ones are the best.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure.” Ben’s voice dripped and his eyebrow arched. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you should go, Rey. Have some fun.” At Cathrine’s words I turned and sent him a mocking look. “But try not to bring home another Alexander.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s eyes lit up just as my face fell. God damn them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His smug grin turned to Cathrine and she caught it just out of the top of her eye as she ate, “Ben, you got married to a girl you didn’t love out of fear and because she blackmailed you. Let’s not compare apples to cantaloupe, honey.” </span>
</p><p> </p>
<ol>

</ol><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was my turn then to have the smug face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly Cathrine set down her fork and looked between both of us, her eyes narrowed slightly. Her scrutinizing look made me freeze up as she searched us. I’m not entirely sure what she was looking for but I could tell when she found it. Her lips pinched just slightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My thumb tapped nervously against my thigh and although Ben reflected no sign of confusion or concern, I felt the tension shift. So he knew she had found whatever she was looking for too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her mouth opened in a breath and I tensed for whatever she had deemed important to say to us in this moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But just before she said something, Tom spoke up from my side of the table. “Cathrine…” his tone was gentle and his eyes held hers conveying what he was trying to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes glanced over to Ben who caught mine at the same time before we both looked away. “Okay fine.” Cathrine sent her husband a knowing look, “But uh, you two…” she sent Ben and I her sweetest smile, “Be careful. Okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cathrine!” Tom chided gently, but a chuckle breathed past his lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” She threw her hands up innocently, “I didn’t say anything!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My nose scrunched in a laugh but I shook my head. Cathrine </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> knew. Somehow. Even though I hadn’t told her anything of the kiss or even the distance he had set after the kiss. But she always knew something was up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A magician, really. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After breakfast Ben and I went out separate ways for a bit before meeting up again at the Mini golf. The Wifi service Tom had paid for coming in handy communicating on the ship. The sun was bright on the higher levels of the deck where the mini golf was and Ben was only wearing a tank top and his swim trunks. I sucked at mini golf as it is but when I reached the deck where he was already waiting, sipping the beer in his hand, I sucked in a quick breath at just the look of him… and realized I would be even worse than usual. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben wanted to keep his distance and give space for us to grow; which was great. So I averted my heated gaze from him entirely and plucked a putter from the stand next to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you ready to lose?” I teased. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He downed the rest of his drink quickly and turned back to grab a putter as well, “Rey, you suck ass at golf.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, so not true. I just simply don’t usually care when I play. And usually I’m too tense. But I’ve already had a strawberry Daiquiri and I’m ready to win so… let’s go!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I most certainly was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>ready to win. But I was going to damn well try. Because while I sucked at golf, Ben was the fucking king.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed like he had something terrible to tell me, “You’re… gonna lose. —Hate to tell you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I scowled at him before lining up to put. My breath evened out as I focused my vision on the hole in front of me. The putter felt light in my hands and I squared my body and legs to get in the correct stance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bend your knees.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent Ben a scathing look to where he was behind me but then turned back to the hole. “Shove it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swung the putter at the pink ball towards the hole and it scuttered across the grass stopping just a foot from the hole. My groan reverberated across my closed lips and I heard Ben laughing just behind me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How many daiquiris did you have? Maybe you need another.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My feet squared at the ball sinking it into the hole 1 foot away easily. Across the deck a waiter with drinks on a tray walked by and I waived him down. “Hi can we have 2 please.” I passed one from the tray and gave to Ben and took one for myself, backing up to let Ben take his put. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can you hold this?” He passed me his frozen drink. He sent me a look as he took his stance. “Bend the knees.” He bounced on his knees and I couldn’t contain my eye roll. Then he turned to sink his black ball in one go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I raised my glass and slung back as much as I could. Lifting my glass and his to hand back to him. Giving him a tight and fake smile that fell as soon as the drinks shifted into his hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We continued that way. Hole after hole. Passing the drinks back and forth until they were gone and we were grabbing another round. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You do realize the more you drink the worse you’re getting.” Ben pointed out after the 4th hole. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s helping me actually.” My voice sounded light and airy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed, “Helping you be worse at minigolf than you already were.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned and grinned at him, “Remember when we went golfing with Carter. To that one place with like golfing out of the side of the building?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, and I also remember you losing a driver.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My laughter got even headiest, “Yes! And then Carter was going to jump off the fucking 2nd floor to go get it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were squinted and he tilted his head to the side, remembering that night. “And Paige got so mad about losing to me. That she actually started…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes! She started to throw fries at you.” The people behind us at the minigolf were starting to get impatient as we laughed, holding up the hole. Clearly, the drinks had already started to take effect, but I tried to maneuver my way towards the next hole while Ben kept going. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m pretty sure Carter was very drunk.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m pretty sure you were too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Doesn’t even seem like it was almost a year ago…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned and smiled at him just before I lined up to take my turn at the new hole. “No, it doesn’t.” When it bounced off the back wall I turned back towards him, “I kind of miss Carter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent me a look that I caught just before heading towards my ball again to try and get it in. “Please no round 3.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ball slid gracefully across the grass and sunk into the hole. My eyes lifted as I bent to pick it up and I sent him a look, “I thought you liked Carter?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shifted, “I do.” The ball bounced off the back wall after his put and went straight into the hole. “I just don’t think you need to date him again.” The jokes from earlier on his face were gone and my mouth twitched to stop the smirk that was forming at the change of mood. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t he better than Alexander?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Better than Alexander is not a real winning trait. Alexander was a fucking prick.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stepped towards him, feeling the warmth of the sun and the warmth of the alcohol meet underneath my skin. “Then who should I date?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I watched as his eyes hesitated, he sucked in a breath “No one.” He stalked towards the next hole and I followed behind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And why’s that? I’m 24, maybe it’s about time I get married. At 24 you were engaged. Carter seems like a good option.” I pressed on with my taunt. Lining up to put and sticking my ass out just a little farther than I needed to, sinking the ball right in. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hole in on</span>
  </em>
  <span>e. I flipped back around to pin him with a look and an arched brow. “Right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We were close again. Almost as close as last night. And four drinks ago Rey would not have been saying these things in front of a deck full of people and children. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes trailed down to my lips and I could see the wheels turning in his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kiss me.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Please,  </span>
  </em>
  <span>kiss me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben…” I whispered. Begging him to kiss me again with my eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked away quickly, shaken, and stepped around me to line up his shot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I waited a few minutes before speaking again, trying to calm down my pulse and cool the flush on my cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I saw Carter a week ago actually.” He said, picking up his drink and finishing it off. He kept his eyes away from mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I cleared my throat, “Really? Did you guys talk?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes met mine briefly, “He’s with someone. Your old friend from College… Deliah.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carter’s with Deliah?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded. “They seem pretty serious too. He mentioned proposing.” He smiled as I lined up at the last hole. “So maybe he is </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> the best option to try and marry right now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There was once a time you thought he was going to propose to me.” I hit the ball and it was another hole in one. “Holy Shit! I won!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben started laughing, “No you did not. I beat you by like 12 points.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My scowl was a bit more childish than I wanted it to be, “Don’t rain on my parade. I got 2 hole-in-ones this game.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Unheard of for you.” He laughed lightly at his own joke. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whatever. We need to go meet Rose and Finn for lunch.” I finished my drink and set it down on the empty bar by the mini golf to go head toward the elevator inside the doors off the deck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When we entered the elevator we both immediately leaned back against the wall, and hit just a little harder than normal, turning Ben’s attention to me. “Woah, be careful.” He caught my elbow with his hand to steady me, “How any drinks did you have before meeting me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, just the one.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips twitched. “So you had 4 piña coladas and a strawberry daiquiri and now you’re tripping? It’s only 1pm.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not drunk, I just tripped because I’m clumsy.” I breathed out but once again he was just slightly too close. Both of us, looking at each other, leaned against the back wall of the elevator. “Maybe just a bit.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned just as the elevator dinged, and we exited through the group of people waiting to get on. “I still can’t believe Carter is with Deliah.” I paused in thought, “And that they’re getting married.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” He commented nonchalantly, but I could hear the odd tone in his voice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked at my feet as we walked and tried to ignore the tang in my stomach at that comment, “Well still— Deliah. She was like my closest friend in college. And he hated her.” I shook my head, “That’s so weird.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s so weird?” Finn asked behind me, turning my attention to the two of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, My college roommate Deliah is dating Carter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose’s eyebrows shot up as she saddled up next to me, “Like… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Carter, Carter? </span>
  </em>
  <span>They’re dating? Him and Deliah?” She paused, thinking as I nodded. “I always hated her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I met her once. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>annoying.” Ben agreed just as we reached the buffet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I understand. Everyone hated her. But I still can’t believe Carter got with her.” I lifted things onto my plate.”And i just found out about it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, he was being an asshole to you at Paige’s funeral. So maybe it’s best you don’t speak with him.” Rose added with a snarl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I spun towards her as she shoveled peaches onto her tray. “What are you talking about?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did she hear him?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shrugged, “I saw you two arguing and he seemed like whatever he was saying was not nice and he looked fucking rude. And it was Paige’s funeral so you know what? Fuck him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben spoke up from beside me, “You and Carter were arguing at the funeral?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned to him with an unsure look. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I did argue with Carter. But:.. I did not want to tell either of them what the argument had actually been about. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ummm, yeah. We did fight. But—“ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s why he was talking to you that night? Why was he arguing with you after the funeral?” Ben questioned again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose shook her head, “Insensitive right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s shitty.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know right?” Rose was getting more worked up with it, “And now he’s dating your college roommate. What a bastard.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” I cut them both off. “Alright. Let’s… stop talking about Carter.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both went quiet for a moment before Finn changed the subject to something about evening plans. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that’s how the rest of the day went. We hung out, napped, ate dinner, drank, laughed and talked. Everyone got together for dinner at the dining room where we all caught up and talked about our excitement for the next day. Rose and Finn were finally getting married. Which made everything feel even more special and important. All the conversations and time with each other. Because after the wedding, Rose and Finn would be scarce… living out the rest of the cruise as their honeymoon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So that night was our last real night together with all of us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After dinner Rose and Finn wanted to go back to the dance club they had gone to the night before and insisted Ben and I go too. So we all changed and then made our way back down the elevators to the floor where the club was. Rose and I both were short, fitted dresses but while hers was white and plunged at the neckline, mine was red and held a tight neckline across my chest. And we were dressed to fit because as I walked in, the darkness of the club was accentuated by the barely dressed girls and loud music. A large crowd stood in the dance floor of the room bumping and grinding on each other, leaving hardly any room to breathe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Drinks anybody?” A young cocktail waitress shouted over the music, holding a tray of shots in her hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes! Thank you.” I grabbed one shot, as did Ben and tossed it back quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m super jealous. I would love to be drinking but I have to get married tomorrow.” Rose pouted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was hard to hear anything over the music so I leaned in further to reply, “That’s a good thing. You’re 10 steps ahead of me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled, with a twinkle in her eye I didn't understand, “We’ll see.” She said before turning and dragging Finn off into the dancing crowd. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt Ben’s presence beside me and I knew, to last the night, we would both need a few more shots. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A couple shots in, we were both on the dance floor. Not dancing together, but not too far apart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It reminded me of </span>
  <em>
    <span>the</span>
  </em>
  <span> night. The night at the frat house where it felt like everything truly started. Even if in the back of my head I knew it was way before then. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Flashes of his hands around me as we moved together flittered through my mind. And I met his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was like we were in sync. He knew what I was thinking and was remembering the same thing. That night at the frat house was a catalyst for the distance in our friendship. And the words he said directly lead to the arguments that subsequently happened the years after. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We gravitated towards each other across the floor, closing the distance inch by inch. The first touch was just his knuckles purposely brushing across mine in a way that sent shivers down my spine and watered my mouth. The music drowned a little as he flexed his fingers to just barely interlace with mine. My blood surged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The second touch was his other hand that circled around my rib cage, just a tick higher than would be deemed friendly. And it jolted me forward. His fingers tightened against my knuckles, yanking me forward the rest of the way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then we were molded together. I was barely moving anymore. Just trying to at least sway back and forward seemingly to the beat. A few too many shots and glasses of wine in, to be able to really keep beat well. And even Ben’s eyes were glazed over just the slightest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ben’s hand on my waist suddenly started to guide me better against him in a more dance like motion and I followed suit. His thumb skimmed across mine in a way that can only be classified as teasing while we moved together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was lost in it. Lost in him. And by the way that he was starting to look at me… he was too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The songs changed and the energy between us grew more charged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wanted him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My hips snapped against his purposefully and I felt the air leave his lungs. His head dropped to my shoulder as I did it again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Reylin…”</span>
  </em>
  <span> I thought he whispered into my skin. But it was so damn loud, that I couldn’t be sure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time when I rolled my hips into his, his grip tightened, holding me in place, and he ground into me heavily, before letting up and pulling back. Only to do it again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>God, I wanted him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time I felt his lips on my shoulder I was already far too gone to really know where we are and who could be watching. His lips skimmed across my skin and I tilted my head back to give him as much room as he needed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We moved faster, and more purposeful. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> it was me this time and he wasn’t stopping. I could hear my blood in my ears by the time his lips made their way up to the corner of my mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And I was already waiting for the feel of his mouth on mine again. After just 24 hours. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But, instead he pulled back just enough to look at me and I lazily opened my eyes at the change. When I looked up, his eyes were glazed even more but this time with lust, and I could see want written all over his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wanted me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And just when I was about to ask him why the hell he wasn’t kissing me, or fucking me, or something.. I glanced around and remembered just where we were. And that at any moment Rose could see us. And that was not something I wanted. Especially the night before her wedding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He seemed to realize the same and we both fell back a few inches. Never fully disconnecting. But enough distance to where I couldn’t feel him against me anymore. And enough to where the heat and lust cooled down to a bearable simmer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We danced for a couple more hours, with each other, holding our distance enough to not convey our heat to anyone else on the dance floor. But his eyes held promise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And I couldn’t wait for whatever it meant. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please leave a review of the chapter and what you guys think! It means so much to me ❤️</p><p>Follow me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a></p><p> </p><p>If you would like to help me write the next chapter <a href="https://ko-fi.com/fearthefaithful">Kofi</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Chapter 30</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey all! I really really love this chapter. And I really hope you guys like it as well. </p><p>I struggled so hard with the last chapter because this book is my baby and I see the vision of it but sometimes I think it’s  hard for other to see. But I am pushing through, almost done with my vision for the book and can’t wait for you guys to see how it’ll go.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Rose walked forward, her white dress billowing wildly in the wind. It was simple, Greek like in the way the mesh just laid on her except for where the wind made it flare up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked stunning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was one cellist on the deck where our small group stood, who was playing some soft, smooth love song that danced across the wind. She was smiling so widely, I could tell she could hardly contain it. Her simple bouquet rested in front of her and her eyes sparkled. Finn wasn’t too much better but his own nervousness shown in the lines of his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she finally reached him she gripped his hand and faced the wedding officiant while the music died down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you all for being here today. For the marriage of Finn and Rose.” The officiant said with a smile. He was a small but kind looking old man who could help but look overjoyed for Rose and Finn as if he knew them well. “They both as for something special today so I’m going to be going a little off book today.” He huffed a little laugh of his own, “We have gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Rose Ann Tico and Finn Charles Westland. Marriage, as you know, is a beautiful step in life and in love. And these two seem to be overflowing with it. But guard the love. And guard each other, and I think with time you’ll see the more you focus on your love the less distant you’ll become. Love is your treasure. Protect it as such.” I glanced across both Finn and Rose’s excited faces to see them both with tears running down their faces in joy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were happy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that feeling resonated in my chest. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rose</span>
  </em>
  <span> would be okay. She would be happy. Finn would guard her and love her and take care of her. She would be okay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You two have elected to write your own vows. So— Finn, when you’re ready you may begin.” The officiant said shifting back just a step to give the emotional couple just a little more space for their next words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn seemed to roll his shoulder and wiped his fingers down his face to wipe up the few tears that had traced their path. “Okay, wow. —Okay I kinda memorized these so let me get in the zone.” He blew out a breath to get calibrated while the rest of us giggled fondly at his frazzled movements. “Rose. Wow— my Rose.” A choked sound made it way out of his throat.  “I feel like this is where the guy is like I always knew I loved you when I met you. — But I didn’t. I fell in love with who you were not what I thought you to be when we first met— who you </span>
  <em>
    <span>truly </span>
  </em>
  <span>were. So I promise to do that forever. To see what’s underneath. To see why you might be angry or hurt and love you through them instead of getting mad back. I promise to always look underneath and see what I saw over these past few years. Your laughter and your passion. Your happiness and your confidence.— Everything about you that makes you the person I will love for the rest of my life. I promise to be that for you. Every single day. And I also promise to think twice before I speak when I’m angry.” His grin was converting his deep seated happiness and I felt my own eyes well with tears at the emotion in the air. The love. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I will fight for us. I will fight for you. And I won’t ever stop remembering this moment. Right here. Forever.” His voice fell off but he reached down and lifted her hand to his mouth and placed a brief kiss on her knuckles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The officiant’s smile was even brighter than it was before as he turned his focus towards Rose, “Rose… when you’re ready…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded and sniffed loudly through her enchanted look. “Okay, wow. I love you. I will try to follow that up. But Finn Charles, I have never met someone as beautiful and strong as you. You’re smart and kind and I have no idea how you’re so patient with everyone. Including me. But I vow to not try and test your patience at every turn. I vow to learn to be more patient in turn. I vow to not walk away when things get hard. I vow to always be honest—” her voice cut off at the word and everyone knew what she wasn’t saying. “I vow to breathe instead of yell. To fight instead of fold. To stay… instead of go. I vow to trust that you’ll stay too. Because that’s hard for me. People tend to leave… but you never have. And I vow to not only love you but respect you. Because you are a respectable and honorable man. I vow that this is permanent. I love you forever Finn.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes couldn’t help themselves, and they slid over to where Ben stood a few steps behind Finn. He looked just as enamored with the couple as I felt. As if he felt my eyes on him, he turned to look at me. My throat felt dry, and unspoken words weighed me down. Even Ben seemed stunned by the feeling. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you. I don’t. I need you. I can’t. You’re mine… You never were. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I broke my gaze away quickly, wanting the feeling to stop. But the words still buzzed around my head mercilessly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for sharing your vows with all of us. The rings you are about to give each other are symbols of your love and a gift to each other to commemorate your bond. This will remind you of the vows you just spoken, and of your unending love for one another.” He looked up to Rose and gestured with his hand, handing her a ring. And then to Finn. “Rose, Finn… place the ring on each other's finger and please repeat after me.” He paused for a moment and then began again, with both of them repeating after every line, “With this ring, I show you that from this moment forward, my love will be with you. My heart will be with you. We will walk as best friends and partners. I promise to cherish this ring and this love. I give you my heart until the end of time. This is my greatest gift to you.” By the last line, their tears ran freely as the weight of their words ran through them. They looked giddy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And now, by the power invested in me by the state of Florida… I now pronounce you, Husband and Wife. Finn— you may now kiss your bride.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn didn’t even wait a second before he leaned forward and sealed his lips on Rose, encircling her with his arms. We all cheered and clapped as he leaned over her, continuing their kiss and then pulling back with the widest grin I have ever seen. “Woohoo!” He shouted, lifting his arms in a victory stance and we all laughed even hard at their excitement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Congratulations!” Cathrine cheered hugging them tightly and kissing them both on the cheek. “I pray you both have a long and happy marriage.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Cathrine.” Rose said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I chanced another look at Ben, but his eyes were already on me. They were completely unreadable. How he normally was. An enigma that seemed impossible to understand or comprehend. But then just as I thought I never would understand him or know what he was thinking. His lips started moving as he mouthed something to me. I watched them form over words before I registered what he was mouthing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You look beautiful.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smile at him, feeling my heart flip at his attention. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A tinkle caught his eye and he approached me behind Finn and Rose who were making their way to the other side of the deck to start some of their pictures before we continued to dinner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look good too by the way.” I complimented Ben once he was close enough to hear me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled at me and then looked back over to Finn and Rose, “They’re gonna be so happy. I’m so proud of them.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Me too, </span>
  </em>
  <span>“They’re what I want to be when I grow up.” I joked lightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Laugh filtered through the air as they posed, their happiness and excitement unable to be contained. Tom took a few steps towards us and stood watching. “She deserves this. Real happiness.” Tom watched Rose fondly and I knew he cared for her like she was his own and I knew he was happy that she was able to live her life outside of Paige’s shadow and choices. Like we all were. He turned to look at us and gave us a smile, “Paige would be glad that Rose is getting her happy ending. I am too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben didn’t quite smile back but nodded. “She definitely would.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m thankful you’re here with us, Ben. We all love you.” Tom patted him on the shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The look on Ben’s face turned shocked and then emotional before he pulled it together and smiled thankfully at Tom. “I love you guys back. You guys are like family to me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gazed at both of them affectionately before turning back toward Rose and Finn who couldn’t seem to remove their arms from each other. We all walked through the doors and towards the fancy steak restaurant that we had a reservation in as our reception dinner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After dinner, Ben and I walked back to our rooms peacefully. His hands stuffed in his pockets and mine holding my heels. We didn’t say much on our walk back. Both our happiness filling the air, making it soft–– pliant... almost magical. The warmth for our family, for Rose, filling the silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes slid across the designed carpet as we leisurely walked. The wedding had been magical, along with the dinner. Filling the air with laughs as we sat and talked until finally Rose and Finn made their way to their honeymoon suite that they had for just the night to kick off their married life. And Tom and Cathrine went to sit on their balcony and sip some tea until finally they would go to sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Ben and I were just walking. I was content to just walk with him, even in silence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked over at Ben to see his eyes trained on the carpet as well and his mouth set in just the slightest air of a smile. The ship shifted beneath our feet as we walked, racing through the water. I tried to think of a time we both felt this peaceful or comfortable in the silence and came up blank. Ben and I always felt like fire or ice. Were we fighting or sizzling with passion, arguing, teasing or bursting with tension filling the air. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But in that moment we were calm and simple. Just us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We slowed our pace as we almost reached our doors and I glanced over his face, wishing the moment not to end. His hand slid over the handle of the door and he turned back to pin me with a smile. The look on his face softened even more when he met my gaze and then paused for just a breath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you like to come in?” He asked softly, “We could watch a movie…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart leapt in my chest at the question and my body leaned forward to walk before I would even think about it. I didn’t even bother changing and slipped past him to enter the dark room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The lights flickered on above my head as I looked around the clean room. It was exactly like mine but flipped around, and not a scrap of clothes or his stuff in sight. The room didn’t even look lived in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He brushed passed me in the small hallway and loosened his tie at the vanity across the room from his bed. My fingers ran across my slip dress, suddenly feeling a little nervous for some reason. Maybe it was because he was getting comfortable and taking off his tie and— </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And the last time we were alone together lust pulsed between us and all I could think about was him getting even </span>
  <em>
    <span>more</span>
  </em>
  <span> comfortable and taking off his shirt or even his pants and my pussy clenched at the thought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have a seat.” He invited me further into his room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I bit the inside of my lip but made my way to the edge of the bed and sat, dropping my heels so the side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think they had a good day.” Ben said, smiling at me through the mirror as he took off his jacket and undid his cuff buttons on his shirt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me too. They seemed happy with it. And then they’ll have the reception at the house when we all get back, so they still got like almost a whole nother wedding.” I looked away as he unbuttoned the top few buttons of his shirt. Looking at anything but him, the room felt a little smaller with his large form standing so close to me. I scooted back until my back rested on the wall behind the bed. “I hope it lasts forever.” He turned to send me a questioning look. “The happiness. Rose has been through so much. I just want her to have this happiness she feels now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He leaned against the counter of the vanity to sit slightly, listening. “She will.” His lips turned up at the sides before he pursed them. “They both will. They’re carefree and happy people. They don’t give a shit about the money or that stuff. They just live. So they’ll be happy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lifted up from his spot and came to sit next to me on the bed, leaning back against the wall to mirror me. “You’re so right. If they could vacation forever… they would. God I wish I could do that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Out of the corner of my eye I saw him frown but kept my eyes trained on the room, “But you love to write.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I let out a deep sigh, “I do.” I nodded. “But it seems… so out of reach. Maybe I should just vacation.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because of your book?” I looked over at him, “But you’re an excellent writer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or maybe I almost got published because I was dating a manipulative sociopath.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because we were so close, I saw the crinkle of his eye as he smiled, and my heart rate picked up again. “He was. But that is not why.” His hand rested on the top of my leg, “You need to look into other publishing agencies. Or a literary agent.” His grin widened and he winked, “I happen to know a great one.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My chest seemed to unfurl in warmth, but I looked away and down at my hands. “Yeah but I don’t want to make the same mistake again. Putting my books in the hands of someone I have a personal relationship with… obviously didn’t work out the first time. So if I do this then I want to do it differently.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I understand that. I just wanted you to know that I would… if you needed me.” Our eyes caught again. “Wait––” His face fell into a look of confusion. “We have a personal relationship?” He teased. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A laugh bubbled in my chest and I scrunched my nose, “Whatever… You know what I’m saying.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His laugh rumbled his chest and filled the room. “But seriously, Rey. Whatever you decide— you need to follow through with your book. It’s very good, and you’re very talented and it’s your dream. You need to pursue it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think so?” My teeth nibbled on the inside of my bottom lip. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course. I’m an agent— it’s my job to spot talent and I can spot yours. And not just because we have a personal relationship.” We both laughed, “—And you should keep writing. Don’t let that asshole ruin your love of writing. And you would make a terrible serial vacationer.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I could write on vacation!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then that’s not really a vacation. That’s work.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“True.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at me thoughtfully, “Have you written on this trip?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lips twitched, “I’ve been with you. When have I had time to write?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you’re saying I should let you be in here right now?” His eyebrow raised in question. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I winced, “No, that’s not what I was—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nope! Sounds like you need to go write.” He started gently shoving me off the bed, but I fought to keep on, gripped his shirt and the bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” I squealed and laughed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You said you had to write…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hands had me almost fully shoved off the bed but I hung onto his arms for my life. “Not right now!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My right leg that was fully hanging off the bed lifted and I wrapped it around his leg to try and hoist myself back up but I was laughing so hard that I could barely latch on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally his hand that was pushing me gripped onto my waist and lifted me over his torso to lie down beside him. Both of our laughter faded off into soft sighs and then lastly into smiles. We stared at each other, both realizing how close we really were, but not caring to gain any distance. I felt my heart beating heavy in my chest but I saw his eyes watch me. Look at me. Feel me. His hands were still on me and I felt him everywhere. But this time I wasn’t sizzling with lust. This time I was just feeling… </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I felt the warmth in my stomach at his attention and my brain felt like it was short circuiting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because this feeling…. whatever I was feeling— was different. Something was making me feel like I had butterflies swarming me. And I got the sudden urge to slide my fingertips across his cheek. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt happy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How I thought that maybe Rose and Finn felt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And by the look in his eyes he felt it too. They weren’t clouded with lust or agitation. His eyes convey the same soft feeling I felt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You looked beautiful today. Still do.” He whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled breathily, “You said that earlier.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… but it’s still true.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes trailed over his face, watching the twitch in his lips. “You know… Tom was right with all that stuff he said today.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hand started rubbing my back gently, “What do you mean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> a part of the family. With or without Paige— you’re a part of the family.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Mine</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “A part of my family.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was almost like I could feel his breath catching in his chest and my hands itched to feel his lungs expand underneath my palms. “You told me once you thought you didn’t have family— That you had no one.” His brow furrowed in thought, “You know now that’s not true right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” I shifted on the bed, “I used to. Even—” A heavy sigh heaved from my chest, “Even a little over a year ago I felt that way but… things changed. Things changed with Cathrine and Tom. Well maybe things didn’t change, maybe I just saw things differently— but either way I realized how much they cared and how much I cared for them. How they fought for me over the years. And then when Henry came back…” his face tensed at the mention of my biological father. “I felt alone again for a bit but you were there. And Tom was there. And… and then I realized that just because he left all those years ago—”I met his gaze with strong, thankful eyes, “You all are my family. You, Cathrine, Tom, Rose, Finn— you guys are my family. It may not be how my childhood mind thought family would be but—”  A soft smile formed in my lips,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> “It might be even better.” </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/"> tumblr </a>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Chapter 31</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey all.... </p><p>It’s happening...</p><p>Good luck.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>My eyes blinked open, appraising my surroundings as quick as possible. Something was off. It took a moment for me to register that the large hand encircling my waist was Ben’s. And this was Ben’s room. I felt his steady breathing at my back, rocking me. We were both still in our clothes from the wedding, my slip dress twisted uncomfortably around my torso. And without looking I knew that Ben’s slacks were wrinkled and crinkled from the night's sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Light seeped through between the curtains and sent a bright line shining starkly against the room. The ship’s usual sway had disappeared, replaced with a steadiness that told me we had docked at our first port-of-call. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shifted around with Ben’s arms hanging loosely on me, facing him. His eyes snapped open to meet mine at the movement. Our gazes locked and I watched as the tiredness around his eyes faded away and was replaced by something dark. It was like he realized our position and how his hips were sealed to mine and his arms wrapped tight around me. My skirt hiked up towards the top of my thighs.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And his eyes were molten. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Where as last night had no undertones of lust or desperation— this morning was brimming with it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His chest heaved with a deep breath, and my own chest shuddered. It seemed like he grew. He was so much bigger, taking up so much of my vision and so much of the room. His hand that was once gentle, gripped at me, almost like he was clawing at my dress. My hips canted forward subconsciously, barely brushing against Ben’s thigh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Rey…”</span>
  </em>
  <span> The way he said it was so soft, yet filled with such warning, I had to close my eyes for a second at the sensation. And then I canted my hips forward again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His fingers dug into my skin through the fabric, with a bite. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes fluttered back open, but his focus was on my lips. My hips moved forward again, this time like I had no control and was met with not only his thigh but he shifted around just in time for my thigh to graze across his hardened length, still in his slacks. And then… he was crazed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips slammed down on mine at lightning speed. And all thought of ‘space’ or ‘distance’ was completely out the window and out the side of the ship. They ravaged me. Setting me on fire from the inside out. While before our kisses had been sweet or hot— this kiss was all consuming. His hand found my thigh and rucked my dress up even higher. And my hands gripped at his hair, holding on like my life depended on it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t want to stop. I couldn’t stop this time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wouldn’t stop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Ben seemed in no rush to stop either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His tongue swiped greedily through my own lips and slid tauntingly over the roof of my mouth, sending a frenzy of chills down my spine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A quiet whimper found its way out of my mouth, being caught by his own. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In record time Ben was hovering over me, completely taking up all of my vision. Blocking the rest of the room, and the world from my view. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not that I could take the time to pay attention.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because then I was wrapping my legs around his waist in a frantic plea for him to not move. To not change his mind and pull away. But he didn’t fight me. When my hips met his again he ground down into the apex of my thighs— my dress hiked up to my waist. Wetness gathered on the lining of my lacy underwear quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wanted him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>God— </span>
  </em>
  <span>I wanted him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was completely unclear to me of why we hadn’t done this before. Why we had held back from touching anywhere and everywhere we could. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could feel his cock hardening further through his slacks and I was nearly panting. His tongue was lapping at my mouth, drawing mewls of pleasure with his expertise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>hell</span>
  </em>
  <span>…” he groaned, pulling back from my lips and tracing his kisses over my cheeks and down my neck. Quickly zeroing in on the soft spot behind my ear that made my hips buck with pleasure. His hand that had stayed relatively in the safe zones </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> started maneuvering their way to my breasts, his fingertips ghosting over my hard nipples and ripping a choked gasp from my throat. This time, my thrust was a little harder and his cock just grazed my clit over my underwear and my whole body jerked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My hands dove quickly to take off his shirt, sliding over the buttons— needing to see more of him as soon as possible. He lifted his arms behind him one by one, shedding his shirt completely, leaving only his white undershirt. But that too was lifted off and tossed randomly in the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I knew what he was doing, he gripped the top of my dress at the neck line and tugged, ripping it from the flimsy spaghetti straps and exposing my breasts. I looked down at him, in shock of his actions but feeling my cunt clench a little at the sheer force of it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben was like… </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was too busy thinking about him ripping my dress that I didn’t even notice his fingers finding their way down to my dripping core until he wiggled his digits underneath the hem of my lace thong, finally feeling the depth of my need.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, you’re wet.” He murmured, his mouth hidden in my neck, nipping and tugging at the sensitive skin. “So </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking </span>
  </em>
  <span>wet.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His voice was making it suddenly more real. Because this wasn’t just some random guy. This was </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And that made every sensation, every touch, even better. Because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>Ben Solo. The push and pull from the past year had seated in my bones and put the intense need I had from him and set it on fire. So that it consumed me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His finger cascaded over my clit, just barely brushing it, before finally reaching my center and just slipping the tip of his finger inside me. Like he was testing me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben…” I whimpered. Unable to take anymore of the teasing. I wanted his fingers in me. He slid his finger all the way in and it felt… </span>
  <em>
    <span>euphoric</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I wanted all of him in me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God—“ he choked, “The way you say my name… it makes me hard every time, I think.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His fingers started pumping in and out of me and I could feel myself dripping down my thighs. My fingers dug into his back at all the sensations running through me. My head had gone completely blank, focusing only on the build in my cunt. I could feel it tightening and the cooling of the string in my belly as the pressure built. I was already so close and his pace was as fast that I knew it wouldn’t be long before I came, but I wanted to touch him too and I wanted— </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Knock, knock.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>“Ben, it’s Cathrine.” Her voice came through the door and I froze, my entire body tensing. Ben’s hand that was buried inside me shot up to slam over my mouth. “Have you seen Rey? I can’t seem to find her and I’ve called her tons of times.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My blood ran cold… the lust started to fizzle out and be replaced by fear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But then Ben started steadily pumping his fingers again. My eyes shot to his, trying to figure out what the hell was going through his head. His eyes seared me, telling me to stay quiet before he finally answered her, pumping his fingers quicker. “I haven’t seen her. She’s probably getting breakfast but I’ll keep an eye out for her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I struggled to stay calm and quiet but I felt my mounting orgasm and I knew he could feel it too by the way he sped up and even started using his thumb on my clit. His head dipped back down and nipped at my rising and falling nipples and I tried to keep my shriek back but couldn’t. His hand gripped my mouth harder and he leaned in to whisper in my ear, “Keep quiet, Reylin, or I won’t let you come.” He punctuated his words with a long rub against my g-spot that sent sparks behind my eyelids. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was so fucking close.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, well hopefully we find her soon because we’re getting off the ship to pick up the jeeps in 30 minutes.” I had forgotten that Cathrine was even there until he spoke up. Ben began to move his finger across my clit quicker, and my hips shot up off the bed. “So whenever you’re ready, meet us on level one and tell Rey to do so too if you see her before me. I’m going to look for her now at the buffet.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben nipped at my nipple one more time and it was enough to send me spiraling over the edge just as she finished speaking. And I came hard. My cunt gripped and gushed on Ben’s fingers until finally he pulled them out and away from my body to stick in his lips, leaving me gasping once again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Cathrine. Thanks. I’ll meet you down there in a bit.” He called out over his shoulder, but he never took his eye off of me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He waited a beat, listening to her walk away from the door, just watching me as I came down from my high. But the lust never left his eyes. He still looked just as hungry and as crazed as before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I could stay in this room, and watch you fucking come all day long.” His voice was husky and it sent another wave of lust over me. Even so shortly after my orgasm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart rate picked up again, “Then do it.” I whispered. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Please</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sent me a wolfish grin, “I can’t.” He sat back on his heels, and for the first time I could see the tent in his pants created by his erection and felt myself getting wet again. “Your parents are looking for you and will be waiting for us on deck 1 within the next 20 minutes. So watching you come on my fingers 5 times and then on my tongue a couple more… will have to wait.” His hands pulled me up to a sitting position, which only caused my shredded dress to fall down my torso further, exposing more of myself to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But— I…” I looked down at his dick again, trying to convey what I was thinking, not really knowing how to form words yet, “You didn’t…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head, “No we gotta go. This is Rose and Finn’s special time and we’re not going to make a scene by us both staying back. Because it will be suspicious.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I blinked at him for a moment before finally nodding. Because that made complete sense. We couldn’t just start this drama before we’ve even had a chance to discuss… anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But at the same time, my body wasn’t ready to stop. And all I could think about was how much I wanted his cock buried inside me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Almost like he caught my train of thought, he quirked an eyebrow at me and then pulled my dress up to cover my tits. “Come on, let’s go. I’ll give you my towel and then you go over to your room and get changed. Okay?” I stumbled across the room towards the door, but turned around to look at him, gripping at my dress. “And stop looking at me like that before I take you over my knee. You’re testing my restraint as it is.” He bit out hotly and tossed the towel in my hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A fresh current of lust went through me but I spun around quickly and ran out of the room and across the hall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>Because if I stayed in that room any longer I would have </span><em><span>very much</span></em><span> let him do </span><em><span>just</span></em> <em><span>that. </span></em></p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay so I figured we could drive around the island to the resort where those who want to do the dolphin stuff can and then the rest can just be in the ocean and get some drinks or whatever. That sound okay?” Rose asked as we all made our way to the 2 jeeps that were rented. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds good to me, honey. Whatever you want.” Cathrine agreed with a nod as we split up, me and Ben in the back of Cathrine and Tom’s jeep while Finn and Rose had their own. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I did my best to keep my eyes trained ahead once we got settled into the back seat, trying to refrain from getting riled up with lust again at the look of Ben. And the memories of what happened not even an hour ago in his room— with Cathrine just outside the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And the words he said… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘... before I take you over my knee…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Somehow I knew that Ben liked sex rough. Based on his comments since we were in high school he had always talked about sex a little differently than others. And especially since we had the kind of relationship where we openly teased or joked with each other or our friends about it… somehow it became apparent. And even after Paige, his level of experience just seemed to far exceed mine. He liked sex in a way I had never experienced it and for some reason that excited me all the more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before, I would never had dreamed of someone touching me while my mom was so close or speaking through the door but when Ben did it, it made the tension even stronger and made it feel all the more intense when I finally came. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly... I liked the idea of the dangerous. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben to take me over his knee. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, I could think of nothing but all the places other than a bed or a couch where I wanted Ben to fuck me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And if I looked over at him, while feeling the heat swirling in my stomach I didn’t know if I could restrain my face from giving away everything. Not just to him but also to my parents in the front seats. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But the wind as we drove down the road seemed to cool me down enough to where I didn’t think I was going to explode at any minute. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you two have a good night?” Cathrine asked through the loudness of the wind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thought flooded me of our night together. Or laughs and talks. And how he held me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then how we woke up this morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, we had a good night. We just talked. But I was pretty tired so I didn’t stay up too late.” Ben replied calmly. Way more calmly than I could have. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She turned and smiled softly at us, “That’s good. I’m glad.” Her eyes turned excited, “Wasn’t it a beautiful wedding? I think it was so perfect for them.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was, truly. I’m so happy for them.” I added in, happy for the conversation change. But it was true. Rose and Finn deserved all the happiness that could get. I remembered when Rose and Paige first moved into the Stansil house, and how Rose was terrified of everything. She was quiet and reserved and even my own quiet self felt she was a little </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> shy. Paige was the nice and happy one. She wasn’t too talkative but she always tried to get close to me. And I remember even in high school, it took awhile for Rose to even warm up to me. But eventually she would sit with me at lunch at school and then even started hanging out with me in the evenings sometimes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But the years with the Stansils and after everything with Paige, things had changed for Rose. She was outgoing and desired friends and happiness. And I wanted that for her. And it seemed Finn gave her that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And— </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And I didn’t want to ruin that. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked up from my hands to Ben. His face was focused forward, watching the beach come into view. Everything about Ben drew me in. Maybe all the missed opportunities from the past were haunting me but it felt like more. I was over him. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>thought</span>
  </em>
  <span> I was over him. My feelings had felt different. He married Paige. And I got over him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Or I </span>
  <em>
    <span>thought</span>
  </em>
  <span> I got over him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But even what I felt now for him felt different than what it did last year this time. I wasn’t sure how to describe it, and maybe it was just because Paige was actually out of the picture now but— somehow, my feelings felt less frantic and eerie. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the past few months I didn’t think I had feelings for him because that didn’t feel desperate like that did before. So what </span>
  <em>
    <span>were</span>
  </em>
  <span> my feelings? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They felt steady. They felt calm. But somewhere, underlying, they were there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wanted him— yes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it was more than lust. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was my best friend. On even a different level than we used to be in high school. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben looked up over at me, noticing my attention, and his eyes held mine. The keep pulled into the parking lot, facing the large resort that was already crowded with people. I looked away, and hopped out of the vehicle before I could get anymore flushed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The inside of the resort was beautiful. The ceilings were tall, and large wood beams stretched across, with an aged look that made the place seem old; and maybe it was. The floor was marble tile that led out to a walk out straight on the beach. A couple people littered the beach but the private resort was expensive, I could tell, and a limited number of people would be allowed to even purchase access. We were some of the lucky few. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Drinks were ordered and we all found a nice umbrella and picnic set up with our names on it and settled in on the sand. Rose and Finn had already ran off into the ocean, laughs filtering being them as they ran. I pulled the swimsuit cover dress I wore over my head and walked until I toed at the water until the tide receded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everything okay?” Cathrine caught me off guard from beside me and I jumped a little. “You’re a little quiet and… off today.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My smile was weak, but I flashed it anyway. “Yeah, I’m good. Just tired.” It was a lie. I had the best sleep of my life and the best wake up to follow. But I wasn’t sure what else to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A loud squeal drew our attention deeper in the water and I caught a glimpse just as Finn lifted, and tossed Rose into the water. “Well either way. Hopefully you’ll be able to have fun today with Ben.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My gaze cut to hers worriedly. What did that mean? Did she know?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled, “Since Finn and Rose are in their own little newlywed world and me and your dad are old farts.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent her a tight smile, relief flooding me. “Yeah, I’m sure we’ll be fine mom.” Terrified of any more questions that would lead her to guess just </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span> much fun Ben and I had already had today, I waded further into the water until I could crouch down and it would go up to at least my shoulders. Ben wasn’t too far behind me, diving underneath the surface and going a little deeper into the clear blue ocean. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This place is nice.” He mused, looking back at the resort. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I snorted, “Yeah, nicer than nice. I shudder to think at what Cathrine and Tom paid for everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed, “And Tom said it was still less than he paid for Paige’s wedding.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, don’t you mean yours.” I teased, sending him a playful look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes, “Look of it was up to me, Paige and I would have fucking eloped or something. I dreaded the big wedding.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before we had been joking but his words sent me pause, “Why though? Wasn’t the whole point to give her her dying wish or something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded slowly, looking out over the waters instead of me. But I watched him, “Yeah and for insurance and bills or whatever. God— now I don’t even fucking know. But it’s what she wanted and so it happened. But I just didn’t want to have to watch Cathrine and Tom watch us get married and not know the truth. My mom, she always kind of knew. She knew I cared for Paige a lot but she also knew I was just settling because of her condition and because of some old loyalty thing. But Cathrine and Tom—” he finally looked at me, “And you. I hated it. So many times I tried to get her to tell you or let me tell you but…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She did try once or twice according to her letter I read the other day.” My toes were barely scraping the ground but I paddle to keep above water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And she was going to let me tell you the day she died. She gave in but I kind of think it was because she knew it was her last day somehow or something.” He shrugged and looked away again. “It doesn’t really matter anymore. It all worked out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you’re gonna get a chance to tell Poe all this,” I reminded him with a tease. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t even bother to respond. He just shook his head and then pulled back his hands and shoved the top of the water at my face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben!” I sputtered, spitting out the water that got into my mouth and then splashing him back just as hard. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hand shot out after the splash and grabbed my ankle, tugging it as I kicked to try and stay afloat. My head dipped under at the movement and I fought to get back above the surface, only to be much closer to him than I was before. We both floated close together but not close enough to raise any suspicion from my parents at shore. But he looked over at them just in case before he took the leg that he was holding onto and loosely wrapped it around his waist, his eyes darkening. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben…” I breathed out in warning. But the truth was regardless of the fact that we were only 30 feet from my parents, I struggled to even want to stop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, they can’t tell. It’s fine.” His voice was soft, and he turned us just so that my back was to them and the angle would allow them to see how close we were now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I used my leg to drag myself just slightly closer, but there was still almost a foot between our bodies. “Are you sure?” But I didn’t even bother to look behind me, because I couldn’t find it in myself to look away from his dark eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If anything they probably think we’re arguing right now. As usual.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lips twitched, “We don’t argue </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not lately. But they don’t know that.” His hand started running along my thigh and I was already getting wet. I wanted him again. “Unless Cathrine suspected something earlier. You were pretty loud when you came.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to find it in myself to be mad, but his hands were rubbing my thighs in a way that sent sparks through my whole body, I couldn’t find it in myself. So I just sent a half hearted scowl. “You were the one who kept going while she was at the door.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled me closer suddenly and turned so that back was blocking their view of me completely. “You were the one who liked it.” He whispered huskily in my ear. “You got even tighter when you realized I was going to still touch you even with her so close. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved</span>
  </em>
  <span> the thrill of almost getting caught. And when you came on my fingers, you came even harder just because of it.” His fingers rubbed lightly over my swimsuit bottoms before he pulled back, adding a foot or two of space between us. I tried to compose myself but I could tell my face was still flushed and my heart still raced. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was right. I did like it. And I did want him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When my breathing finally went back to normal I looked back over at him to see him staring at me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” I sent him a glare. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned, “You’re really cute when you’re flushed. Maybe I’ll get you all hot and bothered more often.” He sent me a playful wink before he dove down underneath the water. I chased after him and we played around for a while before we ate lunch and then continued to play. The whole day we talked and swam, avoiding all the sexual stuff and just having fun. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And eventually when it was time to head back to the ship we both got into the jeep with a smile on our faces and a sunburn. We rode back, allowing the wind to whip against our skins and just relax. In the middle of the back seat, I felt the tips of his fingers brush over mine, and before I could pull away to give him more room, they brush again. This time interlacing his fingers with mine from the top as my palm faced the seat. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yayyyy things are finally kind of happening!!!</p><p>What do you guys think of the uh— building tension?? 😏😏</p><p>Also I have a very important question for my lovely devoted readers.... </p><p>I can draw the story out a little longer and dive into the smut like I am now wanting to because it’s just flowing and that will up the chapter count ... orrr I can just give a couple of scenes of smut and keep with mainly plot?? What you think???</p><p>I know I had been sparse there for a while but my plan is to update more frequently again. </p><p>If you have a question about the story please feel free to ask me on tumblr or in the comments. </p><p>I love your comments and they encourage me a lot to keep writing so please kudos and comment if you like! 😊❤️</p><p>Follow me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Chapter 32</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Wow.. you guys are the best... and for that I thank you so so much. 🤍 </p><p>Your comments are beautiful and amazing and I’m so glad you like my little pain train story. Now let’s let these kids be happy, eh?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Rey, honey. You seem quiet today. Are you sure you’re just tired?” Cathrine’s voice interrupted my thoughts after dinner. We were a couple steps behind Ben and Tom as they talked about something business like, but they wouldn’t be able to hear us over the loud wind on the top deck where we walked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent her a small smile, “I’m okay, Mom.” Just then Ben glanced over at me, almost like he just had to look at me, and then looked away again. My eyes still watched him just in case. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You and Ben seem… close again.” My head whipped around to look at her, trying to decipher her meaning. “Which is good. Of course. You two were always good friends in high school. And then those trips to college— but…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>but?... </span>
  </em>
  <span>“I don’t want you to rush into anything. You’ve only just started therapy. And Rose… well in Rose’s mind… no matter what Paige and Ben were they were married.” I couldn’t look at her anymore. Because her words rang true and yet they were the last thing I wanted to hear. “I’m not trying to interfere. And whatever you were to do I would support you and love you. Always. But, I also want to be the voice of reason when maybe you don’t have one. Just in case.” My just seemed to tighten painfully at her words. “If you don’t handle things right with Rose you may lose her. Because while she knows what Paige did… she also will always see Paige as the superhero she did when she was a kid. At least somewhere in her heart.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed hard, “Nothing is going on between Ben and I right now. We are friends but just that.” I lied easily. “But trust me if there was something else going… I would make sure I handled the situation currently with Rose.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>God</span>
  </em>
  <span>— I wish I knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span> to handle it with Rose. But even if I wanted to, I had no idea where to start. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time we got back to the room it was quiet. Ben and I were both in our own thoughts. Not like the comfortable silence similar to the night before but more of a heavy one, that meant one or both of us was in deep thought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It must have been just me because before I knew it, Ben was saying my name and looking at me worriedly. “Everything okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to smile assuredly, “Yeah. Of course. Just thinking.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head tilted to the side, “About?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My sigh sounded loud in the quiet hallway and I leaned back against my door, “I just…” he waited for me to continue patiently, but I didn’t really know how. “Well… I just think that— we haven’t really talked about everything. And I’m not sure what’s going on.” Understanding came over his face but nothing else, he just stood there waiting for me to continue. “I don’t like that feeling.” My voice was small. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The understanding look stated there, and I waited for a smile or a smirk or anything but it never came. “You’re worried about Rose.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m worried in general. We haven’t…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He cut me off with a hand curling around my ear and into my hair. “Hey— I know. I know that.” His voice was soft and then a small smile came to his lips, almost like he knew something I didn’t. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Space</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t help my eye roll. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Space.</span>
  </em>
  <span> When my eyes met his again I watched something dark flash in his eyes and they narrowed just slightly. He pulled back and his hand fell to his side. The smile that grew on his face seemed wicked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We need space.” He raised his eyebrows. “I understand. If that’s what you really want.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head threw back and hit the door and I groaned, “Space is not what I meant.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A laugh jolted from his chest and I glared at him, “Come on Rey. Space isn’t the worst thing.” He calmed down a little more and continued with a quieter voice, “At least for now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes lifted and I perked up at that. “For now.” I said breathily. We continued to stare at each other, and the air began to charge again. All thoughts of space slowly trickled from my mind until all I could think about was what happened earlier in the day. In his bed. In the ocean. In the backseat of the jeep. Everything swirled in my brain until all I wanted was to continue that. Feel his hands on me again or his mouth on mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Reylin…” He said it as a warning. And I watched as the darkness in his eyes gathered again turning his whole face a little more shadowed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh?” I asked breathily. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go inside your room, Rey.” He took a step towards me. I didn’t move. His brow jumped dangerously. “Is something wrong?” He didn’t say it like he was actually concerned but more of a loaded question. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No… I just—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He exuded all the same energy from before when he said he would take me over his knee, “Then go inside your room.” It was quiet and maybe even a little husky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I didn’t question him again. I felt for the handle behind me and slipped through the door, barely catching the smirk that grew on his face before the door closed. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the cruise passed uneventfully. Ben and I hung mostly with Tom and Cathrine, rarely being alone. Except for after dinner. During the day we swam or ate, keeping things calm for the last few days of vacation. And for dinner we met with Rose and Finn and we spent our time catching up on what we all did for the day or reminiscing. Then after dinner Ben and I would go see a movie on the deck with a lot of people surrounding us until he would walk me back to my room, keeping his hands deep in his pockets. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Every once in a while I would catch his eyes lingering on me and I felt that familiar heat creep up my neck. But then I would either notice Cathrine watching us thoughtfully or remembered Rose— and how she just lost her sister a few months ago who was married to him. And that was enough to let me feel like a little </span>
  <em>
    <span>space. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But then at night when we were alone on the deck other than the other random people, I wanted nothing of space. I wanted him to kiss me again. And then, after staring at him for most of the movie, he would walk me back to my room and I bit the inside of my lip to keep from asking if I could sleep in his bed again. And by the lingering looks he gave me, he was thinking the same thing. But I would break eye contact, trying to focus back in on the movie until he laughed and my eyes caught on him again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was the same every day. The usual playful banter and longing looks halted. And the secret touches ceased to exist. Until the night when it was almost like he couldn’t bear to </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> run his fingers along my back before I slipped inside my room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last night, after he walked me to my room, I waited. Watching him talk to me. Watching his eyes drag across my face as he said something about his parents. All of it. I watched everything. When he finally said goodnight and went through his own door I stood there— Contemplating. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I knew what I was doing I bounced my knuckles against his door one time. The door creaked open, revealing just a sliver of the confused face of Ben Solo. And then he pulled it open more, revealing his bare chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What was I doing, again? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s up?” He asked, glancing over my features. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My tongue made an odd clicking noise as it released from the top of my mouth and I took a step into the room quickly, closing the distance and sealing his mouth to mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He immediately responded. Wrapping his hands around my waist and pulling me further into the room and back against the door. The shocks that went through my body sizzled my skin from the point of contact— his lips, which were pushing across mine like he </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> it. But I was not one to be out done. Mh grip settled in his hair and I held him to me as I slipped my tongue in between his lips to deepen the kiss. A moan fell from my lips when he nipped at my lower lip. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My fingers clumsily tried to unbutton the shirt he was wearing. I only got about 2 buttons down when he gripped my hand and pulled it away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey…” he said breathily, holding my hand back. But I ignored him and kissed down his neck, trying to pull my hand from his hold. “Rey.” This time his voice sounded firmer. “We need to stop.” His hang that wasn’t holding mine away, curved around the back of my neck and tightened, pulling my face from his neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I let out a desperate whine as my lips dislodged from the soft spot behind his collarbone. My eyes found his and I was confused. What does she </span>
  <em>
    <span>mean</span>
  </em>
  <span> we need to stop? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed once he got enough distance to look at me, almost like he was reluctant. “Space. Remember?” His fingers brushed my hair back behind my ears. “We can’t do this right now.” My eyebrows pulled together, trying to decipher what he meant. “Finn and Rose are next door. And your parents across the hall. We can’t do this.” His voice was almost a whisper, but I heard him clearly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A deep breath filled my lungs, “Okay…” my voice was unsure as I tried to regain my thoughts and find it in me to agree with what he said. But I couldn’t. I looked around and then looked back to him. “But I—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. We need space, baby. You think it’s a good idea right now but then you’ll feel guilty and you’ll think you’ve betrayed Rose.” He paused and pursed his lips. “—And Paige. I don’t want you to feel that way. So we’ll continue as before, but we need to do this until we figure out what we’re doing.” His voice was so soft and his fingers comforting but it didn’t stop the contracting in my chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We… we don’t know?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled and glanced down before he met my gaze again, “Let me rephrase. I know what this is for me. But it’s been years… and we need to find it together, okay? And then we’ll deal with Rose and everyone else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I frowned, “But…” he sent me a pointed look and I stopped. “Okay… that’s fine.” Totally wasn’t. At the moment I didn’t care anything about what Rose thought to the family. And maybe I would eventually but not right then. Not when he was so close to me and not when his fingers still ran through my hair softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled at me, “Now quit trying to seduce me. And go to sleep before I change my mind and tie you to my bed.” He pulled back completely. I raised my eyebrow, but didn’t really rebuff anything and turned back to leave the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Empty threats, Ben. Seems to me like you’re all talk.” I tutted cheekily before I opened the door to slip out of the room just in time to hear his boisterous laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I went back to my room and sat down on the edge of the bed. It was still early, not late enough for me to fall asleep but still too late to try and go out and do something. Thoughts of Ben and what he said filtered through my head. Maybe he was right but I hadn’t cared at the moment. My family was what was most important. I had lost track but I knew that to be true. And Ben was a part of that family. And I knew deep down any kind of relationship with Ben right now would hurt Rose. She would think it’s some sort of betrayal to Paige and not only mine and her relationship would be shot but so would hers and Ben’s. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes flicked around the room, in search of my notebook. I walked across the room and settled into the couch with the notebook to write, my knees pulled to my chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tapped my pencil to the paper looking for the first word. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My pencil flew across the paper, trying to get as many words down while they were still in my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you writing? Something new?” Ben’s voice interrupted my writing process and I glared at the paper instead of him, trying to not get distracted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I heard him muffle a laugh with his hands, “In the zone I suppose.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My gaze finally flew up from the paper piercing him with my glare this time. Behind him the stewardess walked down the aisle collecting trash. “Yes. And you’re interrupting that flow.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tossed his clear airplane cup into the bag she held out and then turned back to me with a grin. “I’m sorry. I’m just curious.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose’s face turned into the gap between the two seats in front of us. “Curious about what?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey’s writing something.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned to glare at Ben again, snitch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re writing?” Rose squeaked, sitting up on her knees to look at us over the back of her seat. “What is it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head threw back in a groan. Apparently I was not continuing to write. I slammed my notebook closed and sighed dramatically. “Yes… I’m writing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s it about? We want to know!” Rose exclaimed looking at me excitedly. Ben looked over at me expectantly as well and I relented. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words danced around my head, and I tried to think about what was </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> much to say. After a few moments of thinking, I finally try and give an explanation. “It’s about… A guy who meets the love of his life but she’s going to die and he doesn’t know. But they elope and travel the world. And they go to college and all… but then she dies. And he tells the story of them to— well to a new girl. Someone who might be his future.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben goes silent next to me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” Rose said softly, and suddenly I felt caught. “Is that about… Ben and Paige?” My heart stops. “I mean obviously without the traveling and the eloping or the other girl. But is that like your way of commiserating them. Or her life or something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breath releases. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose’s face turns into a smile. “Because it sounds amazing! I can’t wait to read it.” I looked down, feeling relief flood me. “How much have you written so far?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not too much. Probably only like 5000 words. I started last night.” I shrugged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her hand reached out to grip mine, “I’m serious, Rey. I already love it. Tell me as soon as I can read some of it. I’m glad </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> wedding brought you some inspiration!” She threw her hair over her shoulder for dramatic flair.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben stayed silent for the rest of the flight. And once Rose sat back in her seat, so did I. I tried to get back in my groove for writing but it slowed down dramatically. Because I couldn’t keep my brain from racing. I could change enough details and give Paige and Ben the love story they deserved but I didn’t want Rose to get any ideas. Or at least until I knew what I wanted to say to Rose. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Which could be never. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t like Ben and I ever worked. Typically every time it felt like we even got close something ruined us. Or we allowed ourselves to be ruined. I felt the similar stab of pain in my chest at the thought but it was true. More likely than not Ben and I would crash and burn. And if Rose ever caught on it would be the end. Armageddon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seattle was raining. Which seemed on par for the anxiety that wracked me. Ben navigated through the streets with ease though, the rain the only sound in the car. He had given me a ride to the airport at the beginning of the trip and it had been decided before I could even request a cab that he would send me back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Without saying anything he threw the car into park and started exiting in the underground parking garage. I studied him to see what he was doing but he just rounded the car and pulled my large suitcase from his trunk and then my small rolling carry-on. We started walking towards the elevator to lift us to my floor. The elevator lifted under us but we stayed silent. It almost felt like he wanted to say something but he never did. Not until we reached the door of my apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that everything?” He asked, pushing my suitcase into the entryway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Thank you for your help.” I said, sending him a smile, gripping my hands in my skirt nervously. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stayed quiet, but stood there in the doorway, propping the door open with his body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is your book about us?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I winced internally but tried to keep my face trained. “It’s… just a book.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But was your intention to write about us? Or the possibility of us?” His voice was level and it made the words all the more chilling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Loosely..” I whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded solemnly. “How do you feel about me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The question felt loaded and I couldn’t find it in me to answer, “Ben..” I groaned almost like I was in pain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s just a question.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But why are you asking it? What’s the point? I thought we decided on space.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He walked away from the door and it shut behind him, “I just need to know. A lot has changed in the past year.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If I still love you? You married my sister. And I had to watch— Not knowing the truth. I had to watch thinking you were in love with her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t respond. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you still want to know how </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>feel? Is it not obvious?” I let out a humorless laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged, “As I said a lot had changed. I’m not sure where you stand.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you crazy?” His eyebrow quirked, “Has every single thing I’ve done… every time I’ve told you I loved you or—or been there for you. Or sat through your </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking</span>
  </em>
  <span> wedding… that doesn’t show you anything? You don’t know how I feel?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well how about you just fucking tell me, Rey? Because no— I don’t know what this is to you. Or how you feel.” He stepped even closer, his face turning stormy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then yes, sure. I need you, I want you. I care for you!” I shouted angrily, “But I’m not getting played or manipulated by you anymore. You’ve done this too—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was cut off. Ben stormed towards me. His hands slid harshly into my hair and he yanked my lips to his. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>NEXT CHAPTER.... something long awaited happens.... what could it be??? 👀👀</p><p>Follow me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p><p>Let me know if you like it! And what you think will be happening over the next couple of chapters.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Chapter 33</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Finally!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was like he went for blood. His lips moved against mine desperately and the reservation that had been there before the last few times we kissed was gone. Replaced by the dominance and </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> that reminded me of the morning on his bed when he touched me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My body was on fire. And the hands that were buried in my hair of gripping tightly at my waist didn’t help. It was only fanning the flame in my skin. I desperately tried to keep up, or to try and at least follow along but this kiss was </span>
  <em>
    <span>purely</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben. He owned me at that moment. Not that he hadn’t my whole life. I had known. Even at the anniversary party I knew he owned me. My heart. My thoughts. My eyes. Owned every part of me being and I had done nothing but tried to sell the ownership. Switch owners. But it never worked. And it never would. Even if I could never have him. He would still own me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he proved it at that moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips claimed bone like a slave— his hands stole me like money. I didn’t want it to end. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben in all his dominance had never shown me this mouth of what was inside and I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>thriving </span>
  </em>
  <span>on it. His fingers, more nimble and sane than I could ever be, unbuttoned the top few buttons at the back of my blouse and tossed it aside randomly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wanted this.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span> I needed this. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Even just this once…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips nipped at mine, and guided me back further into my apartment. The hand that had just tossed my shirt to the side was suddenly snaking up underneath my skirt and I keened. I couldn’t keep up, but I definitely wanted to. My hands rush to try and lift off his black t-shirt. I wanted to see him— feel him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wanna fuck you on this island. Like I’ve been dreaming of doing for fucking months.” He growled out through our kisses and I melted further into him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>God yes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please.” I whimpered pathetically. But couldn’t find it in me to care. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That seemed to send him into a further frenzy as he lifted me up by my thighs and then they hit a cold smooth surface. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This was really happening. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wanted this for so goddamn long— Wanted you.” My fingertips explored him as much as I could mentally remember to. But his words were sending sparks through me like they were caressing against my clit </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> like I wanted him to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was about to beg him to touch me. Four days had been too long. I needed his fingers to touch me, to relieve the ache that had formed below my belly. Even just a little bit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It didn’t take much hoping, because in the next move he slipped his fingers under my underwear and pulled down off my legs in one fluid motion. And then he was touching me. My back bowed at the pleasure. I felt the shuddered breath he took in when he felt me, and felt how I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>dripping</span>
  </em>
  <span> for him in just minutes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Christ…“ he spit like a curse. “Do you know how many times I </span>
  <em>
    <span>dreamed </span>
  </em>
  <span>about this? Living here was fucking hell because all I could think was how much I wanted to bend you over this and fuck you until you were bruised. And how very much I couldn’t do that. But I wanted you so bad.” My eyes rolled to the back of my head. Everything he was saying brought me closer to the edge, along with the magic his fingers were working. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips sucked at my neck, just right in the spot that sent tingles down my arm. “Tell me to stop, Rey.” I shook my head. “Tell me to fucking go, and I’ll go— If you don’t want this. Because I can’t stop. I need you so bad.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wouldn’t. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell me to stop...If I don’t stop now then you’re fucking mine.” Sounds good to me. I couldn’t see anything wrong with it. Especially not with his finger burying itself inside me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breath came out as a shudder. But I couldn’t say anything. Every part of my body sang his praises as he worked me closer to release. The finger that was buried inside me was joined by another and he curled them hard at the soft spot behind my pubic bone. And the finger that circled my clit went faster. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come for me.” He mumbled. His words and his fingers beckoning me over the edge of the cliff. With a couple more swipes of his thumb over my clit and his teeth biting at the sensitive skin on my neck, I came. My body took over and sailed through the orgasm like and out of body experience. I had no control over the spasms in my legs or how for a good few minutes my eyes were closed and I forgot where I was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But by the time I came back down, Ben almost seemed like he experienced the high with me. His eyes were glazed over and his cock was free of the confines of his pants and sticking up close to his stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I could even think I pulled for him again and his lips met mine hard. And the next movement he sunk into me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No slowness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No hesitation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hips pistoned forward and his cock was buried so deep I felt like I was choking— I couldn’t breathe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he didn’t stop there. He must have known that my body was in shock but his lips immediately lightened up and became soft and sensual instead of harsh and demanding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t even respond.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he moved back inside me and the shock left, replaced by overwhelming pleasure. He had only pulled out and then pushed back in and it felt like I could come any moment again. Just from him being inside me. And though his lips remained soft for a while, he fucked me hard. Eventually everything turned frantic. His lips tore from mine and cascaded down my neck, nipping and biting. Leaving marks everywhere. And his hips sped up even faster. My vision blacked out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This fucking island.” He growled, almost like he was angry. And then he grabbed my hips, changing the angle just a little bit, hitting me in the spot inside my cunt where his fingers had been a few minutes before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh god…” the pleasure was too much. He was too much. But he kept taking and taking and I kept giving. Every inch of me submitted to him and let him use me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could feel how big he was. He was definitely the biggest I had ever had but not so big that it was weird. He stretched me and I enjoyed the stretch almost as much. His hands were gripping my hair or tilting my hips so that he good fuck me at a better angle. But I felt him everywhere. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Inside me. Around me. Next to me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My hands flattened against the counter top and I tried to shift my hips to allow him to go deeper. He was focused on me. Every single thing he could do to stimulate me, he was doing. But he cock pounding into me was the epicenter of the sensations. Everything else grew up from there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It dragged against me furiously, in a way that sent sparks throughout my legs and up my belly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You feel… so good, Reylin. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I’m gonna come.” He said it almost like it was a surprise. Like he was genuinely shocked he was going to come. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t help myself from asking, “Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen?” It came out more as a whisper because he never stopped fucking into me. And I was getting close too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed and then bit my hard nipples and the pain </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> the pleasure hurled me closer to the edge, “Not for me. Not usually.” He paused. “Not like this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just when I was about to ask what the hell that even meant, he picked up the pace impossibly faster and lifted me from laying down to a sitting position and kissed me roughly. His tongue sliding into my mouth at the same time his cock slid through my wetness. And the squelching sound would normally have made me cringe but I was too high in him. Too high on the feel of </span>
  <em>
    <span>this.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He fucked me angrily— desperately. Like he wanted so much more but this was all we could do. I felt his hands work their way underneath my ass and drag me onto him. I was lifted off the countertop and suspended in the air, with only him holding me up and then he released me. But instead of falling to the floor and I sank down lower on his cock and then he caught me just in time to keep me from falling off of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The deeper angle sent a shock through me once again. But this time I couldn’t stop the orgasm that started rolling through me. I froze. But he bounced me on his cock like he didn’t even notice. But he pulled back, and looked me dead in the eye and I knew that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>knew. He watched me as the orgasm took its course and wrecked me completely. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Shit.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” He groaned. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” I watched as it hit him too. I was paralyzed. Watching as his whole face flushed with his own orgasm and </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span> he never broke eye contact. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We both stared, enraptured in each other. The orgasm ebbed but a different feeling built inside me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something different. That I couldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> put a name on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben lowered me back onto the counter, never breaking eye contact. My breath was still a little labored, but so was his. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled out slowly, and I let out a silent gasp at the empty feeling. My cunt clenched around </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I glanced down I saw that his cock was covered in thin rubber and it suddenly hit me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>. A condom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> I hadn’t even thought. I had been so caught up in the moment that protection had not even crossed my mind. But Ben had taken care of it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Thank God. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben looked down to where my eyes were still trained and caught on to what I had been thinking. “Yeah. I wasn’t sure if you were on birth control or anything so…” he trailed off. The dominating, in control, Ben— was gone. And back was the normal Ben. Who hid his facial expressions from the world and who didn’t always say what he meant. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you…” I whispered. “I— have the IUD thing though. But thank you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence took over as our breathing evened out. I didn’t make a move to fix my clothes or to grab the missing pieces that were spread around the kitchen. We just breathed for a while. Staring. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed after a moment, forgetting I was nearly naked, but got enough courage to ask what had been playing on my mind for the last 10 minutes. “Why—” I cleared my throat after my voice came out scruffy, “Why do you not usually come?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The corner of his lips lifted, “It’s not that I don’t usually come but more I don’t come… like that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head tilted in confusion. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span> “What does that mean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He winced slightly and then tucked himself back into his pants. Pulling himself together. “It’s hard to explain.” After he was completely dressed back to normal other than his messed up hair and a few marks along his back, he stepped forward and started dressing me again. Grabbing my shirt and straightening me up, like I was a little kid or something. “I don’t usually have sex like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like what?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stepped back to look over his work. I didn’t look down but I could feel that all my clothes and underwear were perfectly back in place. Finally he ran his hand over my hair to smooth it back, like a finishing touch. “Like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure what that means.” I said quirky, almost sheepish. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed but his hands stayed curled behind my ear, and it sent warmth down my neck. “It’s hard to explain. But… whenever I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> have sex it’s usually much more…” he searched for the word, “brutal.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt my eyes widen, “More brutal than that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He waited for a beat and then came a single nod. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes searched his face in confusion, “With Paige?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grimaced, “Not with Paige. When we— well back when we were— I never really… finished.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Finished? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because with sex for me things have never really felt good… normal. But today… it did. It kind of caught me off guard how good it felt.” A smile grew at his lips, “Really fucking good.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I still wasn’t understanding what he was trying to say. There were plenty of hints there, sure. But whether it was my sex brain after having the best orgasm of my life or just me being completely naive… I couldn’t for the life of me put it together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure what this means for us, though. I don’t want to mess up things with your family.” One of his hands fell to my neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mind kicked back in and raced with everything that had happened over the last 2 hours. “What do you want this to mean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled at me and then leaned forward to kiss me gently. But before I could deepen the kiss he pulled back. “I want a chance for us. After all this time. I know things are complicated with Rose and stuff but… I want to try.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t help my smile, “But what about space?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I already told you… you needed to stop me before I was inside you. Now that I have been, I won’t be able to stop.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My stomach spasmed, “I think we shouldn’t tell Rose right now. Or anyone. We… don’t even know what this means or what it is. Let’s… figure it out first and then go from there. Yeah?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stared at me for a moment, and blinked. But finally he nodded slowly. “Yeah. But I have a few rules of my own.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s face spoke business, like he had planned these out for a while or something. And all I felt was the spasms that ensued every time he spoke. I already wanted him to carry me to the room or wherever else he wanted to fuck me and go at it again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No more going back to your exes or even fucking thinking about it while we’re together.” He </span>
</p><p>
  <span>raised his eyebrows dangerously, “And when you’re with me, it’s only me. If you change your mind tell me first.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben I wouldn’t—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And lastly,” he leaned forward, so close to my lips it took my breath away, “let me teach you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Teach me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled like he knew something I didn’t, “Let me teach you how to fuck </span>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>way. We’ll have sex in your bed sure but I’m also going to fuck you in that huge ass shower in your bathroom because all I could imagine when you were in there was you touching yourself with the shower head and I just </span>
  <em>
    <span>have </span>
  </em>
  <span>to see you fucking do it.” His nose trailed down my neck and I was wet all over again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He continued, “I like sex a certain way. Something I know you haven’t experienced yet. And I want to show you how it can be.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Brutal?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” I whispered his words from earlier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last thing I saw before he slammed his lips to mine again was his dark, almost black, eyes. And then I was lifted off the counter and carried somewhere else in the house. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Follow me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p><p>Ask me and questions or give me and comments or hesdcannons about the story on there!!</p><p>I have a couple new fics I’m working on too so keep an eye out for those :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Chapter 34</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am SO sorry for the wait. But it’s finally over!! If you would like an explanation for what happened with my disappearance it will be at the end of the chapter, but if not... please enjoy! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The words on the manuscript page started to blur, my eyes hopeless to focus and </span>
  <em>
    <span>read</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I needed to read it. But it seemed impossible after I attempted to read the second paragraph for the sixth time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was way too tired and distracted to try and look at any manuscripts.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes slowly left the papers and trailed across my desk to my phone. It was already lit up, before I even tapped it, with a text. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben—</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>I can’t focus on any work. </em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My hips shifted in my seat and I tried to push aside the feelings that burned in my belly. He texted </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span> first. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Me either…</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I kept my phone in one hand and placed the other back on the papers, trying to focus for the time being, or at least until the next text came through. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>What are you doing for lunch? </em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My calendar was free for lunch, but I still waited a bit, contemplating before I typed back. I wasn’t sure whether seeing him would help focus me or distract me more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Nothing, all my meetings are later in the day. </em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I worried the inside of my lip, not even pretending to look away from the tiny screen in my hand as I waited for a reply. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Come to my office. I’ll get some food delivered. </em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It showed he was typing again so I waited. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>I want to see you. Doesn’t have to be anything more. I just fucking miss you already. </em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart flipped. And I couldn’t help from the hopeful and happy feeling that grew up my torso. I missed him too. But I wasn’t sure what this was. Or what he felt. I told him how I felt the day before when he dropped me off after the cruise but he didn’t say anything for the rest of the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Well— he said </span>
  <em>
    <span>stuff,</span>
  </em>
  <span> but nothing about where he was or what he thought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He just stole me from myself. The whole night was a robbery where each time he touched me a little bit more of me was owned by him. Pieces I knew I would never get back. He owned me completely in just one night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But that scared me more than anything else. That after this was all over and it inevitably ended in shambles, I would have nothing left of myself. And for years to come he would still own every part of me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But still— </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Did I care? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t sure. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Okay. I’ll be there at 11:30.</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Apparently I </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>care because even after everything… I couldn’t let go. My focus was shot though, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t read the manuscript at all. So I sat down the stack of papers with a sigh. My fingers pulled out my small blue notebook from my bag to sit on my desk in its place. I tossed through the pages until finally I found the first blank page in the sea of my scribbled handwriting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As far as I can tell writing is work. Always had been for me at least. Especially when my mind whirs with everything going on. But in that moment my brain settled. And my pen pressed to the paper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>——The feeling of finality. She sat across from the doctor and knew her fate. The dread and the fear. But she already knew her choice. Even as the words dulled out as he spoke to her about how long she had, or her options– which she knew were limited. Nothing could save her from what the universe had already decided was her fate. Like a ticking clock on her wrist just waiting until her time ran out and she took her last breath. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Thank you doctor.’ She whispered. ‘I think… I’m okay. The universe decided. I’m okay.’ </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His brows took a nosedive, ‘Bay, the universe doesn’t decide to give us illness.’ </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She smiled at him anyways, even though she knew he was wrong. It had to be the universe. Because what else could it be? It couldn’t be god. Because she believed god to be uncruel. It couldn’t be her. Because she couldn’t accept that some version of her decided to cut her life short. Too short. Shorter than anyone would deem humane. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It had to be the universe. Because anything else felt too overwhelming to accept. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But this, she could. She was going to die. And leave him. If that was going to happen then it had to be for a reason. Because the universe deemed it necessary. ——</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stopped myself. Placing my pen down slowly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Was this about Paige? Was this what she thought or felt when they told her she couldn’t have the operation and her time was limited? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Was I writing this about her absently? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The questions circled my head as I made my way to Ben’s office in the building over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The book was… confusing. Because sometimes I lost where the book ended and where my thoughts and feelings began. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey?” Ben called out to me. “Everything okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up at him from where my eyes were trained on the ground. “Yeah. I was just… I’m fine.” I smiled. “You ready?” I glanced around the otherwise empty hallway. Why was he even out here? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He continued to look at me for a moment before finally nodding and gesturing further down the hallway to his office. He settled in beside me as we walked, and out of the corner of my eye I could see his hands flex and clench and then flex again. I turned my head to look at him, trying to see if there was anything different. I felt different. I probably looked different too. And I itched to know if that same… </span>
  <em>
    <span>difference </span>
  </em>
  <span>settled in him. Or whether it was just me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But there, etched on his face, something else was there. Something different about him that called out to me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I flexed my own fingers just enough to graze his hand, his eyes flashed to time, a familiar warmth and playfulness filled them. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his office with a jerk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I expected him to kiss me or to push me up against the door but instead I felt myself pulled into his lap as he settled into the couch he had in his office. His fingers pressed into my hip and he smiled up at me. I tried to keep the insane smile off my face but it was impossible. This was </span>
  <em>
    <span>different</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One hand ran over the messy bun that held back my hair. “You’re cute.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? Why?” I laughed. He was the cute one. His face looked pleased and playful, a combination his features rarely held. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His smile turned lopsided, “You just are. You don’t even look like you got like 2 hours of sleep. You’re still glowing. I couldn’t even focus on work.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Neither could I. I read the same page of a manuscript like 24 times until finally I gave up and wrote a little.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I ordered us food, but I also thought maybe we could talk. How long is your lunch?” He looked down at his watch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrugged, “Like an hour. But I’m flexible today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned at me again, “Good.” Then, his lips pressed against mine. It wasn’t anything hot or desperate like before. Something simple, and natural. Before he moved me off his lap and set me beside him like it was nothing. But I was still reeling from the simplicity of it all. Like he’d done it a thousand times. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time he came with the food from his desk, my mind started running again as I tried to identify what this was. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What does talking mean?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just ordered what I thought you’d like. But if you’d rather have mine you’re welcome to it.” He settled in beside me on the couch again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed, “No this is great. Thanks.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took a bite and then turned to me, “So who’s manuscript was it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Someone new, actually. A girl who’s trying to go at it without an agent. I’m not even sure how she got her manuscript </span>
  <em>
    <span>in</span>
  </em>
  <span> but it’s really good.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smirked through his food, “But you couldn’t focus on it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes, “Not because it wasn’t good but because I was just distracted. I read part of it while we were on vacation. She’s talented. Maybe you should reach out to her. She said she’d spoken with other agents and it just never worked out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, just send me her information and her manuscript and I’ll look into it. I’m sure if you think it’s good then it’s phenomenal because you’re picky as all hell.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t wrong, “True, but I also like it because her writing still is just different. I’ve never seen anything like it before but I really enjoy it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face turned intrigued. “So are you writing on that new book you started? Or making rewrites to the old one?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The new one. I love the old one still but it just feels dirtied now. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do with it. Might move on and then just publish it later.” My shoulders lifted in a shrug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Might not be a bad idea. Especially if the new one is about me.” His voice was playful but I could tell a small part of him was still fishing. Trying to get answers to questions I hadn’t even told myself yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About you is a very decisive definition. It’s more… loosely based on events that you experienced in your life.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He snorted, “Yeah, okay. Are you going to put in a scene about the two main characters fucking like crazy after vacation?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I threw him a look and took another bite of my food, “I don’t know about like crazy but yeah I might. They had plain, sweet, vanilla sex that ended after 1 time and then they held eachother.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He recoiled with a nasty look on his face, “That’s not how that went at all.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrugged, “It’s how I remember it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I could remind you.” He leaned forward, looking me in the eye with a teasing look, “Because it wasn’t even close to being just 1 time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed my food slowly with a barely contained smile. He was too much. If we started down that path we would never get back to work. Because he was right, it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>a lot </span>
  </em>
  <span>more than 1 time. We had trouble stopping. It was time for a subject change. “What have you been up to today? Getting any work done?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He snorted, “Hardly. More like incessant mind racing that eventually just leads me to staring off into space for a while. So very little work is actually getting done.” He sent me a goofy grin, “But hopefully after getting to talk with you for a bit it’ll help me feel less distracted.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed my food so I could speak, “Anything in particular?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to make sure we’re on the same page with everything.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what page is that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That we’re still going to take space after this.” His face was serious</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My jaw dropped. He broke into a grin. “I’m kidding.” He turned to face me fully, blurring out the rest of what was behind him. And his hands went straight to my hair like they always did. Like he was drawn to it. “I don’t want space anymore. I couldn’t stay away from you if I wanted to anymore. It’s like… the stars are finally changing in our favor.” His smile set my skin aflame. It whispered words of hope and love and it called to me. I was helpless to fall to its call. “We can do things your way. We can wait to tell Rose. But… after every obstacle that fucking ruined us for the past 8 years… I can’t imagine this going any way other than with you. Or—” he cut off, and when he spoke again his voice was a whisper, “Whatever you want, Rey. But I don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t want to hurt each other with waiting. And I can’t fucking imagine not being next you again in 5 hours.” My breath caught, “Or being inside you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just the look in his eyes spoke to my body of what he wanted. Of what I wanted too. Without another word he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. He was gentle, waiting for me to continue the kiss— seeking permission. But as soon as I responded he took over the kiss again and lifted me across the couch and into his lap. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Baby...” he breathed in between kisses. “I don’t want to be without you now.” His fingers rubbed into my ass and his forehead rested against mine, pulling his lips back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was overwhelmed. More than overwhelmed. Because everything he was saying was what I had wanted to hear but how I was unsure of what we even were. “I’m just scared.” I whispered, speaking the truth. “What about… Paige?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is about us. Paige… she matters. And our relationship mattered but this is desperate. I just want to talk about us. What we want. What </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> want.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I ran my teeth against the back of my lips, “As long— as long as you show me what you keep teasing about me missing… I’m in.” I grinned, trying to put aside my nervousness for all the unknowns. All the red flashing lights. Whatever this was, the train had already taken off and I was on it. So I would see. I owed it to myself to see if this one love in my life was what I thought it to be this whole time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you tempting me to fuck you here?” He teased. And dragged his fingers underneath my blouse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that an option?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled back and quirked an eyebrow at me. “This coming from the girl who had never had sex anywhere but a bed and a couch.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well you keep </span>
  <em>
    <span>saying</span>
  </em>
  <span> there’s more. And I want to know what you mean.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sat back and regarded me for a second, and I could visibly see his wheels turning. “Okay… well, let me show you a little then.” He paused, shifting me back further on his legs. “Here’s what I want from you Reylin. I’m not going to fuck you in my office today. And I need you to listen to everything I say for this to work. Okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My hesitation was minimal, but there all the same. Eventually I gave him the small incline of my head in a nod. He studied me for a few more moments before finally something clicked in his eyes and he nodded in return.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time I had walked back to my office it was like a daze. I wasn’t sure what everything meant or what Ben was trying to tell me. I felt like a fucking virgin, not sure what sex even felt like but wanting it so badly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had kissed me in his office and then sent me on my way without any questions answered, and large gaping holes where the blanks in my head needed to be filled. The feeling of unknowing felt terrifying but thrilling. Like there was still something to be discovered with him. Ben Solo. I wasn’t sure if he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>mine</span>
  </em>
  <span>, per say, but I could claim him almost. The build up having been so long that I wasn’t even sure this moment was real. This time where I could simply see him and kiss him. And feel him inside me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But there was </span>
  <em>
    <span>more. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I wasn’t sure what more meant but I was determined to find out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I circled around the secretary desk and entered my office without even looking up from my fingers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey.” A masculine voice startled me into the coffee table and I barely caught my balance to keep from falling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Poe…” I gasped. “I— what—” I paused to collect my thoughts. “I wasn’t expecting you. What are you doing here?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled softly at me, “I wanted to talk. Do you have time?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course!” The pounding in my heart returned and nervousness took over as I tried to wrack my brain for the possible topic he wanted to cover, that was not the fact that he and Paige fucked each other while she was with Ben. “What would you like to talk about?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sat back down on the couch against the wall and looked away pensively. I took a seat next to him as I waited, trying to calm my panic. What if he knew about me and Ben? “I’m sorry, I just— I worked myself up to get here and I don’t even know how to start.” He ran his hands over his face, conveying all his pentagon up stress in just that one movement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I waited. It’s all I could do. My anxiety for his next words far too great to really be conversational. He finally tilted his head like he was looking at me but his eyes were far off. “Can you tell me what really happened with Paige. I feel like—” he paused, “I feel like I don’t know the full story. And I’ve waited a long time but I don’t really feel like I can wait anymore. I have to know.” His eyes finally met mine and it struck with my how painful they looked, like he was enduring some great torture. “I loved her, Rey. I loved her so fucking much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” I meant it to sound more sure but it came out as a whisper, like I didn’t even have breath in my chest to back it up. “I know you did. And I know she loved you too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With just those words Poe deflated into himself and his chest jolted with emotions. I didn’t wait for him to look back up at me. I did what he asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She was sick. Had been since she was little I think. Her mom had it and when she found out that Paige had it too she decided to keep it from Rose. To protect her or something. And Leia— Leia was their doctor. Cared for her mother and honored her wishes to keep it a secret until she eventually died and then honored those same wishes for Paige.” He stayed still, and the only proof that I had that he was even listening to me was the small shivers his chest would make any time I said her name. “And Ben had been friends with her since he Kim first started going. They were childhood crushes or something and when Leia needed a place for the girls to go that could foster them even though Paige was aged out, she knew it had to be Cathrine because Cathrine would take both regardless of the age and not be too nosy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She needed a way to keep the secret and they had always had a crush on each other so she started dating Ben. And every once in a while she would forget the ticking time clock on her life and be with who she really wanted to be with..” I looked over at him, “And she would feel guilty for roping Ben into the life he was tied to and try and cut him loose but they did have some sort of bond and care for each other. But she was in love with someone else. And she thought he was too. So after a while she found out she wouldn’t live much longer and transplants weren’t an option so she lied to everyone. Including Ben.” Poe’s eyes finally looked up and met mine. “She knew her time was short and she couldn’t be with who she wanted because she didn’t want that pain or burden on him. So she married Ben. For insurance or… a bucket list… or something. Maybe everything. But she did it.” He didn’t even blink. He just stared like he knew he needed to hear every word but it was gutting him to do so.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And then without telling anyone but some lawyer she died and all she left were some letters to piece together the parts of her life she kept from everyone.” My voice broke at the end, allowing my own emotions to get the best of me. “I’m sorry Poe. She loved you so much. But she was trying to fucking save the day… and hurt everyone in the process. But her intentions…” I stopped myself, “Well she thought they were good.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stared at me, but not really at me but through me. A tear crept out of the side of his eye and rolled down his face. “And Ben? He loved you, right? How do you feel that she kept you two apart selfishly?” He was so quiet I could barely hear him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed and looked down at my lap. “I’m working through it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another tear in the other side forced its way out. “Yeah. Me too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys! Kudos, comment or whatever if you like the story! </p><p>And please find me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p><p> </p><p>Sooo here’s what happened, <br/>I started getting close to finishing my degree and my new writing professor for my final course was SHIT I tell you WHAT. he was completely an asshole the whole time and tore down my writing so hard I felt completely defeated and every time I sat down to write at all it was so difficult. I love this story, amongst the others I have in my drafts but I just felt like my writing was shit and everything I typed I would like go back and hate. Which is the woes of a writer, right? But then I got out of that class, wrote a scathing teacher review of all my deepest thoughts on him and now I feel better. I still feel a little apprehensive to the point where rereading a chapter too much will convince me I need to start all over. Soooo yeah. That’s what happened. But I’m not giving up on this story. Because I love these character and this world I built and want to give it a finish. I also have a bunch of other chapters for other stories finished and ready to publish soon. I’m hoping to get back in my groove and I know hearing from you guys and interacting with you will help with that!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Chapter 35</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! </p><p>So after really thinking of this story over the past couple of months I have come to a conclusion about it. This story is best served as a duet. Cut in two parts! So... when it’s all over it’s my ultimate goal to slip the two parts up how I see they naturally have already gone. Because of that there will be a few chapters that may be changed when the time comes. When it’s all finished I would suggest going back and reading it all again to get the full effect. </p><p>Anyways... that’s more of a side note... </p><p>I did have some messages about Ben’s POV that I mentioned is in the works and it is certainly still coming! Just decided I really wanted to finish Rey’s side of things before I showed what in the world goes on in Ben’s head. </p><p>Happy reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Cathrine’s house was busy as usual for brunch. She had invited random friends this time around who had visited town and she was running around the kitchen trying to get everything ready. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I, on the other hand, was trying fiercely to avoid Ben’s gaze. Since that day in his office I hadn’t really seen him. We both got busy catching up with work after our time away from the office and the few minutes that we happened to get on the phone a few nights before was filled with just catching up. Which left me in the same place I was the week before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Horny as all hell and curious beyond belief. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But among the friends invited to brunch today was Poe, and the last thing I wanted was anyone— especially Poe, to think anything was happening between Ben and I. But </span>
  <em>
    <span>god— </span>
  </em>
  <span>I was heated underneath Ben’s gaze. He joked with everyone around the room but he seemed just as keyed up as I was. The one time I allowed myself to meet his eyes I instantly regretted it, because in them held promise. Held secrets. Held the heat that burned in me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The cherry danishes I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>attempting</span>
  </em>
  <span> to make were fucked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“—And we all had a fantastic time. It was beautiful. Wasn’t it Ben?” My eyes flashed up, terrified of what I might have missed. Whatever Cathrine had been saying to Leia had completely escaped me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Ben, never taking his eyes off me, answered promptly. Not even missing a beat. “Oh yeah, it was an awesome trip. Had the best time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried focusing back on what I was doing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s wonderful. I’m sure it felt odd for everyone without Paige, but I think it was probably good for you.” Leia’s voice was sweet but her words were haunting. My eyes caught Ben’s again for the second time. Was it odd for him without her? I wasn’t sure it felt odd for me. The awful, evil side of me was relieved. Relieved that finally— </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ben and I were moving forward a little. What we were was unknown but whatever it was I was drowning in it. All these years of obstacles had maybe finally moved out of the way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was certainly different.” Cathrine added slowly. “But I’m happy for those who were able to be there. Even Ben…” She sent him a found smile, “He’s ours now too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leia’s face melted into happiness. And she looked over Ben as well to see his response. But his eyes were on me. Even the apple he casually bit into was like a subconscious movement. I felt the heat grow up my neck and circle my ears and set myself back to my task. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And thankfully he went because Rey would have been so bored. With Rose and Finn in their honeymoon mood and Tom and I being the old folks we are, she would have been stranded alone in her room for most of the day.” Dear fucking god. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The odd placement of her words didn’t go unnoticed by Leia either, who immediately sent a curious, smothered, smile in Ben’s direction. Who </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> took his attention off of me to shrug towards the two mothers in his life. “What can I say? Here to help Rey and save her from a vacation of solitude and isolation.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cheeky bastard. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just the week before he was ignoring me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I narrowed my eyes at him in what I hope conveyed my ire, and not the simmering heat I still felt beneath my skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And before I knew it Leia and Cathrine had left the kitchen. Not wasting a moment, Ben sauntered around the counter quicker And wrapped his arms around my middle, covering my hands with his. “I miss you.” He murmured. And something deep inside me unfurled. Before I could chastise him for the quick affection when anyone could walk in, he placed a quick kiss on my cheek and back up to rest on the counter behind him. “I didn’t hear a thank you by the way.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I composed myself, to my own surprise, and turned back to look where he stood behind me and faced him. “Thank you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, for saving you from an isolated and boring as all hell vacation.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe she said that.” Choosing to ignore his comment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Definitely was weird. Like she knows and wants us to know that she kind of knows? And my mom too.” He took another long bite from the apple his hand rounded over. His long fingers encircling the entire thing. The heat in my skin rose to the surface again in thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>His fingers</span>
  </em>
  <span>. My mind raced with all the possibilities of what he could do with them. Of all the things he alludes to do arrogantly but refuses to divulge. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes flickered up to see him watching me knowingly, a damning smirk maring his features. “Is there something you want, Reylin?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I flushed slightly but hid it with a roll of my eyes and a sharp quip. “No, actually. I think I’m okay without your baseless threats today.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let out a hearty laugh as I turned back to finish the pastries so they could go into the oven. His hips leaned up on the counter to the right of me, putting him in my peripheral vision. “Baseless threats? I told you I would show you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I spun towards him, “Then show me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips twitched tauntingly, “Here?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, Later. Today. Or something.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breathing picked up when I felt him lean in towards me, “They say that curiosity killed the cat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m… not really sure how that applies.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Humor danced in his eyes at me. At the situation. At my desperation. Honestly who the fuck knows. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>can </span>
  </em>
  <span>start now if you insist.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mind immediately jumping into overdrive. “My old room?” I mean seriously why couldn’t he just </span>
  <em>
    <span>explain</span>
  </em>
  <span> this to me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrows raised at the suggestion, “Not what I meant.” Before I could respond his eyes flicked above my head and towards the door where Cathrine and Leia walked back in. I busied myself finishing up the danishes and sliding them into the oven. After a few minutes they had browned just slightly and I pulled them, just in time for Cathrine’s table to be set up and ready as the large group of us all sat down to start. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just as we lowered ourselves into our seat, Poe came walking through the back of the house and onto the deck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Poe! So lovely you were able to make it.” Cathrine greeted him, standing again to give him a hug and I followed suit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, who are you? I’m glad you came.” I commented, giving the guy a hug of my own, happy to see him again after our open conversation a few days before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cathrine, thank you for having me.” He smiled charmingly at her. Then he looked at me with a different, more genuine smile before giving Cathrine his attention again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh of course! We were just sitting down. Yours is right down there.” She pointed over to the seat near the end of the table Rose and Finn sat, both looking happy to see him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He walked over, taking his place, and then we all began our feast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And brunch was very reminiscent of what it usually is. Laughing, talking, stories. Everyone drinking mimosas. But this time Ben had planted himself in the seat directly next to mine. When most other times he would sit across from me. I tried not to read too much into his surprising action, and not allow the fluttering in my heart to continue. But no one else at the table seemed to see a problem with the new seating arrangement. Everyone conversating with whoever was around them, even some of the friends Cathrine had invited were already speaking with Han at the other end of the table about politics of some sort. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But my focus was on my food. Well— sorta. Ben’s presence weighed heavily. Even as Finn who sat across from us talked away with Poe of his wedding and spoke as if they were old friends. I tried to listen in on the conversation and feign my interest but was almost completely unsuccessful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyone settled into their own conversations and because of both Ben and I’s unresponsiveness, those didn’t include us. Until Poe turned and focused on me, “Rey, these pastries are delicious. I’m assuming you made them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up, “Yeah, I did. Thanks.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben nodded beside me, “Yes, Rey. Very good.” And had it been only his words, you’d think he was just paying me a compliment. But his eyes and hand betrayed him. His fingers almost startled me when they landed on my thigh. Just a fluttering of his fingers toying with the hem of my canvas summer dress. I met his eyes for a moment, and then he looked away as if none of the debauchery under the table was taking place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My breathing shuddered slightly and I pressed on his wrist to try and push it from my thing. His forearm only flexed a little at my resistance. I pushed even harder. He didn’t budge at all, instead his fingers shifted underneath my hem and he pinched lightly at the soft flesh of my thigh. My gasp was audible, and it brought the eyes of everyone on my side of the table, but still Ben didn’t stop. “Sorry,” I whispered out. Not even attempting to provide an explanation for my outburst. Ben’s amusement was clear on his face, watching me. And I couldn’t look away. Bastard. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>pinched </span>
  </em>
  <span>me!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When his fingers finally brushed over my underwear, my body locked, frozen to avoid the sieze that attempted to take over my body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What was he doing? Why was he doing this? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As if hearing my internal question, Ben leaned in to whisper in my ear. “You said you wanted me to show you. Well this is step one. No face forward, and try and focus on the conversations. We don’t need any extra attention.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His words washed over me with all the sensuality that he always holds, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe</span>
  </em>
  <span> even slightly more. It was teasing and found a place inside of me and stoked the flames of want that I didn’t even know were there. His fingers slid underneath my panties and the pad of his pointer finger brushed delicately over my labia. Just enough pressure that it almost tickled, drawing a full body shiver, that I tried so hard to resist. Forcing a cough to cover my reaction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Ben took no mind to my body’s insane reaction and slowed down. In fact, just the opposite; his middle finger pushed past the lips of my cunt and into the wetness that awaited at just the few minutes of teasing. He found my clit quickly— quicker than should be allowed in such a public, humiliating location and awkward angle. In every sexual encounter I had ever had, nothing had ever been like this. Mostly straight to the point, with the end goal of fucking and cumming as quick as possible without much time or patience for foreplay since high school. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But </span>
  <em>
    <span>especially </span>
  </em>
  <span>nothing with so many people, or anyone really, around to witness my demise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Relax, Reylin. Your face is turning red. And you look like you’re about to shit a brick.” His voice was so low that I knew no one else could hear it but I still looked around frantically to see if anyone had caught on to what was going on beneath the security of the table cloth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben,” my voice wavered, “What are you doing?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He raised an eyebrow to look at my dryly and I felt his finger slid down to my hole, and slipped in just slightly, knocking the wind out of me. “What does it look like I’m doing? You asked me to show you. And that’s what I’m doing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt like I couldn’t breathe. So this was that he meant? He… enjoys sex in public? Or..?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His finger plunged inside me without warning, retracting and plunging back in with as little movement noticeable above the table as possible. My legs began to spasm underneath his touch, not even able to slightly control them. And I was soaked. His fingers didn’t meet any resistance even slightly. Because even though I was desperate to not get caught and terrified of even the possibility it made everything seem just slightly heightened. So if this was the big thing he was leading up to I could absolutely accommodate. This was hot as fuck. And as his fingers fucked me, I knew I would come soon, and quick. Partially because of his touch but also because of how dangerous and risky this felt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was already on edge. It wouldn’t be long before I orgasmed and I wasn’t sure whether to try and stave it off or welcome it, in hopes this will wrap up and be over before everyone finishes and stands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Poe actually, I wasn’t aware you were in town.” Ben asked, like </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span> was going on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I moved back actually. And I got invited because I visited Rey at work this week and she was kind enough to invite me.” I tried to keep my face as stoic as possible but Ben’s fingers stilled inside me and I felt his gaze lock on to the side of my face. Dammit Poe, I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>so close.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did she?” Then Ben’s fingers began as punishing of a pace as possible. And I nearly doubled over. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>. His other hand stealthily reached over and pinched my thigh again as a reminder of the fact that I had decided to forgo that information about Poe in our brief talks. The pinch mixed with the pace of his fingers sent a jolt through my body. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Good God. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I was about to come. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, we caught up and just got to talk for a while. And she mentioned this. And I’m glad I came because this food is delicious. Especially these pastries. But everything is fantastic. So kudos to the cooks!” He lifted his cup in a salute to Cathrine at the end of the table and to me. But I couldn’t be bothered to notice. My eyes glazed over with pleasure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I needed everyone's attention to go elsewhere. Anywhere but my side of the table. I was about to come and I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>desperate </span>
  </em>
  <span>to do it as quietly as possible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s pinky—maybe, found my clit, just as I was about to hurdle over the edge of an orgasm and sent me falling even faster. I tightened every single muscle in my face and body as I came. But Ben didn’t let up. He rode out my orgasm until it came to the very end. At the table. At brunch. With my entire family </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>his present. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I came down from the high I looked around, scared to death that someone had seen— had noticed what had been going on this whole time. But it looked as though everyone was focusing on something else. The few who hadn’t finished their meals took their last few bites and then started in on chatting and sipping at the coffee or mimosa sat in front of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> I wheeled around to look at Ben once I was sure the coast was clear. “I cannot believe you just did that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smirked, “I can.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I leaned in closer and lowered my voice, “So that’s the </span>
  <em>
    <span>special thing</span>
  </em>
  <span> you’re into. Public… stuff.” I finished lamely. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sat back, taking another bite of the danish that had been abandoned on his plate. “Not entirely but—” he shrugged, “Amongst other things.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like what?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrow quirked up and he shook his head, “One step at a time.” </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please like, bookmark, and comment!!! It’s a huge boost for me to keep writing ☺️</p><p>Follow me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> for sneak peeks in what to expect and to chat about any questions you have about the story or anything else. </p><p>You can also find me on Twitter! </p><p>Thank you all for your love for this story and your love for these characters.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Chapter 36</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry to rot your teeth 🦷</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I was sitting on my couch when the phone rang, Ben’s name flashing up on the screen. I sat my laptop aside and answered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey. What’s up?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you at home?” His voice was a little distant, almost like I was on speaker or something. It wasn't the first time I had talked to him since brunch a few days before, but I hadn’t seen him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhh..” I looked up and around, “Yes. Why?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. I’m picking up Chinese and I’m coming over. I’ll be there in like 15.” My lips turned up at his words. That wasn’t a request for permission. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if I have plans?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was silent for a second, and I realized that the far away sound was him in his car, driving. “Do you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I could.” I teased. “But I don’t. But I may some day.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled lightly over the phone, “Reylin, I only asked because I already</span>
  <em>
    <span> knew </span>
  </em>
  <span>you were home. We share each other's location.” He said it like it was the plainest thing ever. “I know </span>
  <em>
    <span>some</span>
  </em>
  <span> boundaries.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes strained to roll but I stopped myself almost like he was here looking at me. “Okay, well egg foo young, please. Thank you.” And I ended the call before he could say anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not even 30 seconds after I hung up my phone vibrated with a text. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Ben- </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>I already ordered. </em>
  </b>
  
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>And when he walked in 15 minutes later, my egg foo young was still warm and steaming. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did you know it was my favorite?” I questioned suspiciously. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged, placing the trays on the table, “I wouldn’t say it’s your favorite but I know you like egg foo young during the summer and fall and sweet and sour chicken during winter and spring.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I scowled you at him, “How did you know that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ve known each other for a while.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, but friends don’t always know their Chinese food order.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He leveled me with a stare, “Is that what we are. Friends?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled with an evil look, “We certainly are.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes at my antics and spun around on his heels. His back was to me as he walked towards the living room area and grabbed a blanket from the ladder that held all of my blankets. He took one of the larger ones to the corner of the open space, and opened it to float through the air until it settled right by the floor to ceiling windows. The ski line of Seattle shined through the windows. A few pillows were thrown across the room to land on the blanket. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, he came back to where I stood and grabbed the containers of food and took them back to the blanket, sending me a quick eye down raise along the way. His body settled down onto the blanket, and he propped a few pillows behind his back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I walked over and sat down across from him, taking the food off the ground and placing it in my lap. “What are we doing?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked up from where he had already begun eating. “I just wanted to do something different. It feels like we have had the same routine for the past 3 years. We work, we hang out at home, we maybe eat and then on the weekends we finally see each other at brunch or hang out with friends and then repeat.” He shrugged and shoveled food into his mouth. “I haven’t really seen you in a week. And I figured I didn’t want to wait any longer. So I got out of a meeting and came straight here.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart jumped slightly at his confession. Was it a confession? I wasn’t sure. But it felt like it. So to cover my confusion, and astonishment I too dug into my food. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is this a date? We’re on like a city skyline picnic.” I teased with a wrinkle of my nose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Unfortunately, yes.” He let out a deep sigh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Unfortunately?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked up at me with a devious gleam in his eye. “Yes unfortunately. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Because</span>
  </em>
  <span> it’s a date I can’t fuck you at the end of the night.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I frowned. “What? Why?” My voice sounded much more disappointed than I intended. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. A real date is for getting to know each other’s personalities. Not each other’s bodies.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you know my personality. Hell, you even know my chinese order.” Sex was nonnegotiable. We </span>
  <em>
    <span>would</span>
  </em>
  <span> be having sex. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Reylin,” he said sternly, “This isn’t up for debate.” His hand lifted and brushed across my forehead in a gentle gesture that sent flutters in my stomach. “I’m not fucking you tonight. But…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>but? </span>
  </em>
  <span>“That might be a good thing.” I watched as he leaned back way more casual and started eating again. “Anyways— Poe. Why didn’t you tell me about Poe visiting you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What a bastard. But I tried to ignore my annoyed feeling at his new rule for the night. “I wasn’t aware it was your business.” Okay, I couldn’t hold it in that well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His look was dry and annoyed. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Brat.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>He chided, “Then what did he visit for?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I snapped my mouth shut to avoid giving him the same response. “He uh— he wanted to talk about Paige I guess. He wanted to know the truth. So he sat and talked with me for a while and I answered questions for him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He had questions about Paige?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, he didn’t know the whole story. So I told him everything.” I focused back on my lap and continued to eat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you tell him about us?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head jolted up. “No. What? I wouldn’t do that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The look on his face was blank. But a little softness hid in his eyes. But then they tore from mine, and he looked out at Seattle. But I watched him. Ben was rested back against the palm of his hands, his long body taking up so much space of the little corner. He looked hot. Sexy even. The way he was leaned back stretched his button up shirt across his chest, almost showing every defined muscle he had. The thing about Ben is that he always seemed handsome to me. I always wanted him, or at least it felt like I did. Even in the awkward stage, when he saw just a goofy teen in a football jersey. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were cute when you played football.” I blurted out. His head turned to me with a look of surprise. “In a friend way.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned, “And I thought you were hot in your ripped jeans. </span>
  <em>
    <span>In a friend way</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you know I went to every game?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I did.” He picked up the tray of food in front of me and moved it aside, scooting closer towards me. “Even back then I cared about what you thought of me. Even if I didn’t show that very well.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A laugh bubbled from my chest, “You were an ass hole even then.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not true. We were just frenemies. You always turned everything into a competition or an argument. Not unlike how you do now.” He winked, “I just know how to deal with it better.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We still bicker all the time, so I’m not sure that’s true.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because you’re stubborn.” He pointed out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not as stubborn as you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head tilted to rest on his shoulder that was shrugged up by his neck due to how he was sitting. He kind of looked like a cute puppy, in a way that made my chest flush. He was </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> fucking cute. “You see this is why we were frenemies. You always made it a competition to even see who won an argument.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then stop buying into it!” I laughed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You even argue with me about football sometimes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“College football is a righteous platform.” It was clear I was flirting. But there was also an undercurrent of camaraderie. Yes, maybe we </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> been more frenemies in high school. Always supporting each other, while also trying to one up the other. But now there was more. Those barricades from high school— gone. Namely… Paige. Paige had always been this unspoken thorn in our friendship. Who unfortunately turned into a rotting wound. But she was gone now. That didn’t mean everything else had change but, it did create more space. And especially after building a true friendship after their engagement. And then after her death, when he moved in. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least we like the same team I guess. If you like another team I’m not sure we could be friends.” I shrugged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes, “Imagine if we didn’t vote the same politically.” His tone was dry and sarcastic. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That would be an atrocity.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For some reason, he just watched me for a moment, with the remnants of a smile on his face. He leaned forward from his leaned back position, his forearms resting on his knees. “My mom thinks we’re sleeping together.” He said it casually. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good thing we aren’t. One time doesn’t count.” My nose scrunched, “What did you say?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just told her we weren’t. Under the same ground you said. But I didn’t fill her in on the grounds.” He smirked, “But I did say, ‘we’re definitely not fuck buddies if that’s what you mean.’ Seemed to work.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dear god you’re crude.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned, “You were just begging me earlier to fuck you, Rey. Don’t act all high and mighty now.” He booped my nose and felt a blush crawl up my neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well… begging is not exactly how I’d put it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My phone buzzed beside me and I glanced down to see Rose had text me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Rose-</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>What are you doing tonight? Want to come over and watch a movie?</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All the giddiness I felt from before faded quickly, replaced with nervousness. I couldn’t tell Rose the truth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who is it?” Ben asked, looking over at the screen, not waiting for me to answer. When he saw the name he leaned back again and looked at me, like waiting to see my reaction. I typed a quick excuse back to her and then flung my phone across the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now wasn’t the time to tell Rose. Or anytime soon really. I wasn’t ready to ruin whatever quiet I had with Ben. And once everyone knew it would be over. The privacy or the space. I didn’t know if Ben and I were even going to last. Or if in 3 days we’d decide it just wasn’t meant to be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You still don’t want to tell them, right?” He asked quietly. I wasn’t entirely sure what he was thinking. Gone was happy, flirty Ben. This Ben had his mask back in place and no specific inflection in his tone to signify what the fuck could be going on in his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to rush anything. And saying something would be to rush it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded, looking back out the window. “Yeah I agree. But I think it might be worse to wait too long.” And he was probably right. If we waited to look it could do more harm than good. And so I know sooner rather than later we will have to say something. Even if it’s just something simple. I’m not sure what to even say at this point, so I’m in no rush. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I will tell them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But for now, I enjoyed that we could sit in my apartment, having a makeshift picnic, talking, not even having sex… Because we didn’t— he didn’t even touch me. And when I walked him to the door at the end of the night I didn’t even know if he would kiss me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you… for tonight. It was perfect.” My voice was breathy, and my fingers held tightly to his forearm. “No ones ever done anything like that for me before.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lifted his hand and brushed his fingertips lightly over my cheek bones, stealing my breath. “You have no idea how much I enjoy doing this for you. Just being with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to laugh but it came out as two pitiful puffs of air, “Don’t say stuff like that or I’ll get the wrong idea and think you want to be more than just friends.” It was a weak tease, but it was the only defense I have left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Baby...” he whispered, “I never, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> wanted to be just friends.” Then, his lips brushed against mine just slightly. Almost like a kiss but more like a prayer. The tingles started where his lips met mine, and then spread like fireworks in every direction of the detonation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A whimper came from my parted lips in desperation. And my heart rate skyrocketed, making me lightheaded in seconds. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re so beautiful.” He pulled back and watched me, a look on his face that spoke words of happiness in many different languages. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t hold back my own smile. It was iridescent, in its truthfulness. And overwhelming in the way it betrayed my heart. But I didn’t care. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In that moment all I cared about was him— However he would have me. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I was in a room. The room was black— no light, no windows. I couldn’t even see if there was a way out but I heard something. It was like a slow deep breath, creating an eerie feeling in my stomach. I stood up, feeling along the wall for a light switch or handle. Something. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because the breathing in the room that wasn’t mine was freaking me out. A tremble started in my finger tips and took over every muscle in my body. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I was trapped. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I felt fucking terrible. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hello?” I called out, my voice betraying my fright. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The only response was another deep breath from somewhere in the room. I dropped to my knees, feeling around from whoever had just let out the breath. They had to be somewhere. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The wood flooring underneath my soft skin was harsh— cutting. It sliced at my skin, dripping blood through the cracks of the boards. But I pushed through, desperate to find an escape. I grimaced at the pain that continued and the splinters continued to penetrate my skin. Tears streamed down my face. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“A crack whore. Like your mother.” A voice whispered in the dark. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I froze, pulling back on my heels. I knew that voice. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She was always so desperate for her next fix. Until she hooked me on the same fix. And now…” the way he spoke was cruel, and chilling. “I’m damned to make her same mistakes.” Suddenly— the room was blinding. So bright and almost like an operation room, filled with fluorescents. And standing before me was Henry. With a snarl scarring his face and a black look in his eye. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I started to crawl back, scared of what I was doing. Why was I here? What was I doing here? Why was he here? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He reached forward with a growl and pulled something from his pocket. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, please no. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I screamed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’ll be damned to do it as well.” And with his eerie words he plunged the needle he had conjured from his pocket into my arm, forcing whatever vile thing contained in there, through my bloodstream. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I woke up with a shout. Sitting up in the bed. Glancing around my room. Making sure I was still where I thought I was— safe at home, with Henry nowhere in sight. My fingers found the soft spot of my arm at the crux of my elbow, feeling the lingering sting of the needle from the dream.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it was just a dream. Just a dream. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Just a dream. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Follow me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> </p><p>Thanks for reading!! Please leave a kudos or comment if you liked it 😊</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Chapter 37</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Explain to me again why we’re here right now?” Ben whispered low in my ear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I threw him a look at how obvious he was being, he needed to play it way more cool. “Because we have to seem normal. Going to play laser tag with our friends because it what Rose wants to do is fucking normal.” I hissed, picking up my pace to seem slightly in front of Ben when we arrived. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Rose’s fun with suspicions about her and Ben. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He groaned, “I fucking hate laser tag. Why can’t we do normal adult stuff?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I already said… because this is what Rose wants to do. So we will play laser tag and enjoy the hell out of it.” We approached Rose and Finn with a smile and my sister, god bless her, squealed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guys! I’m so excited! I love laser tag.” She bounced on the balls of her feets, giddy, clearly. And I was so right. This is what Rose wanted so this is what she would get. Even if this was maybe one of the last things I wanted to do either. The large building was loud with people playing games and getting drunk. Sure, it was an adult arcade or whatever but didn’t mean there wasn’t a very well stocked bar. The laser tag was one of the many things offered in this giant building. There was also bowling and mini golf, and even a fucking axe throwing range somewhere on the other side. We’d been here once before in college, but it had been a long time. But when it was Rose’s turn to choose what we all did as a hang out she </span>
  <em>
    <span>excitedly </span>
  </em>
  <span>picked Laser Tag and whatever else she wanted to do in this place afterward. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had become a ritual that every week or two we would rotate doing things that one person in the group chose. Last time was Ben’s choice and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben </span>
  </em>
  <span>chose a simple meal followed by a round of drinks at a pub downtown and some ice cream. Simple enough. And last time I chose, which had been a while back, I had elected for a board game night. But that had been before the cruise. Before Finn and Rose’s wedding. Before Ben and I. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Some of Finn’s friends are gonna come too so we’ll have to split up because we can only have a limit of 6 on each team.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My jaw dropped. “6? How many more people are coming, Rose?” I thought it was just the 4 of us, any more than that was news to me. But Rose acted like it was the most obvious thing in the world. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well a couple of Finn’s friends, like I said and then Stacy and Kills and one of their friends.” Her college friends, Stacy and Kills were not exactly my favorite people. But not the worst either. They were a little jumpy for me. I don’t know… but for some reason we just didn’t click. Not that Rose seemed to notice too much because I did my best to act natural. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Apparently I was a pro at. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben turned and sent me a look once Rose had focused on something else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> “What?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged, “I’m just wondering if you’re gonna be okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay?” I tilted my head to the side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not like you really like those girls.” He sent me a long look. “You avoid Stacy and Kilian at almost all costs.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I blinked at him. How the hell did he know that? “Why do you think that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes, “Well you avoid them at every possibility, ever since Rose first became friends with them. It’s like… if they’re at an event you either don’t go or keep to yourself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I often keep to myself.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm, this is more. Almost like when you were avoiding me for a couple of years. No wonder I thought you hated me.” Sarcasm dripped from his tone. “But really you just had a crush on me the whole time so maybe that’s the same case for them.” He turned to me with wide eyes in mock surprise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What a dick. “Mmm, first…I didn’t have a crush on you it was more of a need to </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> have a crush on you.” I whispered, being sure no one else could hear me but him in the loud building. “And second, I can avoid people for different reasons. My tactics are just the same.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just then, the topic of conversation— Stacy, Kills and another girl I didn’t recognize began to approach us. Ben leaned in close to whisper in my ear right before they reached us, “You’re right there must be some differences because you didn’t move to a different </span>
  <em>
    <span>state</span>
  </em>
  <span> to avoid them.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned to him with a glare. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rose!!” The girls screeched, moving directly around me to hug Rose. I relaxed my shoulders a little bit, realizing my conversation with Ben was done but sent him a quick glare just to remind him I still thought he was an asshole for knowing me so well. But the amusement in his eyes still danced, letting me know he didn’t fucking care. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Rey! It’s so good to see you.” Stacy pulled me into a hug, like I was the last task in her round of hugs to everyone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi. Yes, you too. It’s been a while.”  I smiled as we pulled back trying to sell my words but she was already moved on, not even sparing me a second glance and began speaking to Rose again excitedly. I glanced over to look at Ben just in time to see Killian pull back from a tight hug with him. Barely pulling back any, and keeping her hands on his back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She laughed at something that had already been said and I didn’t even realize either of them had spoken, “Honestly, the other day Stace hadn’t even told me. Her and Rose had decided and didn’t tell me until that night after I saw you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled back a little more than she did but they still were kind of in a weird embrace. “Well I’m glad you came. Although I have to warn you… Rose gets a little crazy when it comes to Laser Tag. She gets all trigger happy and competitive beyond belief.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally, her hands dropped from him and a foot or two of space was created between them. But I was still confused, trying to piece together the conversation they were having. “Well they do call me Kills for a reason.” She lifted her fingers in a fake gun and blew imaginary smoke from the tips. Ben laughed at her joke slightly before taking another small step back that would almost go unnoticeable to anyone but me. “You’ll have to watch out for me in there. I need to shoot you at least 6 times to really </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel</span>
  </em>
  <span> like I won.” It was a joke, sure, but I could also hear the hint of suggestion. She was flirting a little bit. And it made their whole interaction even </span>
  <em>
    <span>more</span>
  </em>
  <span> confusing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally, Killian’s attention turned to me, “Hiya Rey. Good to see you.” She flashed me a smile but didn’t bother trying to pull me in for a hug. Being caught up back into Stacy and Rose’s conversation. Finn’s friends also had shown up at some point and we all started making our way into the room to suit up in the laser tag gear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The instructor guy split us up into our two teams and led us into the big dark room with two levels where we sag for a minute until we heard the count down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>5….</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>4….</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>3….</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>2….</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>1….</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>My team, which consisted of me, Rose, Stacey, Kills and their friend all set out to find out first víctims. It was boys against girls which meant that I hadn’t had a chance to ask him and his and Kills’ strange interaction. Or his asshole-ness in calling me out about moving to California a year and a half ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I walked quickly around the room, dodging behind the barricades they had set up all throughout. Trying to find my way to the other side where their ‘base’ was. The room was extremely dark. Aside from the scattered black lights and the team lights from our armor and bases, there was no lighting. Above me, on the second level, I could hear the squeals and giggles of Rose's friends attempting to sneak around but sounding more like they were drawing attention to them rather than move silently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time I reached the base there were voices being thrown around the whole room. My eyes settled on the green light where the team would come back to get power ups and then searched around for a good place to hide and wait. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All of the sudden, my blue vest made a whirring noise and then went red, signifying I was shot. I spun on my heels, landing my eyes in Ben who stood with a grin on his face. “You decided to sacrifice yourself?” He laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You shot me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s kinda the point of the game.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My lips rolled in to try and hide my own grin. He looks good. The blue light complimented his dark hair well, and shadowed on his face just to the point where he looked almost like a villain. But a fucking hot villain of course. “I thought you hated laser tag.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do.” He ran a hand through his hair like it could feel my eyes racing over it almost lustfully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I lifted my gun slightly, waiting the last two seconds before my vest booted up again and shot at him before he had the chance to realize I was back alive. I raced away from the base, trying to get away from him before he came back alive. But Ben had other ideas. My feet hadn’t even gotten 10 steps before I felt his hand grab my arm, whirling me around to face him as he backed me up in a dark corner. His eyes were excited, and vengeful. And I felt my stomach tighten at the evilly playful gleam in them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not even back alive yet.” I teased, just as my back hit a wall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well… let’s just say you did me dirty and I plan to enact my revenge. For the rest of the game.” His face got closer to me, and his breath tickled at my nose. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure Kills is looking for you to get her 6 </span>
  <em>
    <span>kills</span>
  </em>
  <span> in.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tilted his head to the side and smirked just a little. “Do I sense jealousy?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laughed, as best I could with his arms around my waist, and face just a breath away from mine. “No, actually. Just more confused as to why she seems to have her sights set on you now.” I said honestly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good. Because you have no reason to be.” He leaned forward even more, his gun and the game forgotten, and he ran his nose along my cheek. “I’m yours, Reylin.” His whispered words sent chills through my body more than his hands around me ever could. I was wet. In the middle of a fucking laser tag game he had me wet, and desperate. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His nose continued its path, bumping my ear just slightly before reaching my neck. Then he replaced his nose with his lips instead. Jolts jumped through me from where his lips met my skin. My hand reached up and gripped onto his shoulders. But he never turned ravenous. His kisses were teasing and tempting, never really fully satisfying, and feeling more like a tickle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I ran my tongue over my lips, “Are you sure you’re mine? Because I haven’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>you in more than 2 weeks.” Ben and I had barely seen each other alone other than the one night he came to my apartment to have a picnic. Everything else had been with people. Mostly because our schedules had just not aligned will but also because it felt like he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>trying </span>
  </em>
  <span>to kill me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you tempting me to take you here?” The laugh he huffed out brushed back the few straggling hairs that laid on my neck. “Is that what you want Reylin?” His hand reached down to the seam of my jeans where it laid in between my legs. His fingers danced across my covered pussy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you want?” I leaned forward and nipped at his lips that tempted me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A groan fell from his lips and in an instant the hand that wasn’t rubbing at my clit gripped my hair tightly, snapping my head back. The sting in my scalp was frightening, no one had ever pulled my hair before for any reason, but this felt different. Especially when his hips shifted into my abdomen, letting me feel his hard cock through our clothes. His teasing touches and kisses turned heavy. Every move so harsh like he was angry and his hand was still tight in my hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt breathless. And the choked mown that came out of me, the same. The slight pain from my scalp turned to higheten the feel of his rough movements at my core. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t wet anymore… I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>drenched. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mouth latched on to the soft spot below my jaw and latched on— nipping, sucking, biting… and then soothing with his tongue quickly behind. His hand had found its way between my high waisted jeans and was underneath my underwear in a flash. The pad of thumb rubbed over my clit gently but his middle finger buried itself in my cunt so rough that I nearly shouted before his mouth covered mine to conceal the noise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His kiss was just as ferocious. My mouth fell victim to his tongue's dominance as it raised me, and ran over my teeth and cheeks angrily. Every part of this was too much for me. His hands, his mouth, the pinch of my hair. And then he started rubbing his hips against me, almost like he couldn’t help himself. And then I was a goner. My knees collapsed from underneath me, leaving the only thing that kept me up— his hips. But he didn’t stop for a second, he was unphased by my limpness and only tightened the fisted pull in my hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The walls of my cunt fluttered, so much so that he ripped back from the kiss. “Don’t come yet.” His voice was rough and whispered, and made the blow of his request staggeringly worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Had I been coherent I would have thought about the fact that this man had fingered me more than I’d even gotten the chance to touch him. Every chance he could he would sink his fingers inside me, and feel me. But I hadn’t even had the chance to return the favor. No one of all the guys I had been with had had the same fascination with my cunt as he had. And maybe even if I had been coherent I would have felt bad for how little I had touched him compared to how much he’d touched me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I wasn’t coherent. And all my focus was on the act of </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> coming that I couldn’t even be bothered with the people running around the room, playing a game.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was the quickest I had ever come to the edge my whole life. And once again it was public to where anyone could see it. And Ben’s request for me to not come seemed impossible as my core clenched even harder around his fingers that never even bothered to slow up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How he expected me to stave off an orgasm when his hand still pulled my hair harshly, and his fingers still fucked me, and his kiss still ravaged me…. was beyond me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was impossible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Reylin,” Ben’s voice was warning. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>come yet.” His hand left my hair and lifted my arms, pinning them to the wall behind me. Both wrists in one hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben… I— I— I can’t.” I whimpered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can.” His teeth dug into my neck, just on the brink of painful. “Just breathe, and focus on not coming.” My mind instantly tried to do exactly that— deep breath, </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t come. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Another deep breath, </span>
  <em>
    <span>do not come. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Because if you come when I ask you not to I will make sure you don’t come again for another 2 weeks. Because that’s how long it’s been since I’ve come right? Might as well teach you the same patience..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh fuck.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried desperately to pull it together but his dick continued to rut into my hips and everyone once in a while his thumb pressed on my sensitive clit. My teeth dug into the side of my cheek until I bled, trying anything to distract from the tightening feeling in my womb. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was no way I was lasting much longer. And this game would be over soon, because 25 minutes had to have almost passed already and then everyone would look for us, if they hadn’t already seen us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And there was no way I was leaving this room sane without cuming first. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben..” </span>
  </em>
  <span>I pleaded. But there were no other words I knew to say. Trying to change Ben’s mind was pointless. But I also knew I only had so much control over my own body. His fingers curled inside me and his thumb stopped it’s movements to press harshly on my clit once more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then… I </span>
  <em>
    <span>came. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was no control to be had. And if someone was to blame it was him, I’m sure of it. Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>the one who asked the impossible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I finally came down from the high, my eyes fluttered open to meet his. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting but smug was not what I thought his face would look like. But he definitely looked smug as he gently dropped my hands from his hold above my head and removed his hand from my underwear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Action and consequences, Rey.” He tisked. “Looks like you won’t be coming for another 2 weeks.” He stepped back, reaching for his gun to shoot me again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My own hands rubbed at my thighs anxiously, “You can’t be serious.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrow quirked in amusement at my question, just as the alarm went off, signaling the game was over. Our team mates began to make their way to the door, just on the other side of the hall. The lights brightened just enough to where they spotted us, just a little outside the dark corner where we had just been, and then they called us over. The guys hooped in delight at their win. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyone took off their vests and armor, leaving the laser tag area before we set off to the bar. Rose tried to ask my questions about the game which I nervously dodged or lied about. It seemed as though no one had seen us and Rose even claimed she saw Finn shoot me one time— which certainly wasn’t true since the entire time I was with Ben. But that didn’t seem to matter. No one saw us. And after that frightening thought settled down I was back to thinking about the 2nd persistent concern in my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben couldn’t have been serious about his threat. I was fairly certain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later we settled into a big booth at the bar, Ben sliding in beside me followed by Kills. Who was joking with him about something. My mind tried to set aside my questions and focus on what everyone was talking about. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“—And you got like 400 points. So clearly you suck at this game.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder. Were they friends? Was I actually this blind and didn’t notice they had been friends for a while? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was too busy strategizing to shoot people. I had to make sure the plan went through so that we won.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked at him like he was crazy, “And what plan was that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His forearms folded on the table, “Have most of the guys on the high ground and leave just me to guard the base so that no one would try to puppy guard out base and shoot us when we came in for power ups.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>, so he knew basically no one would come down to the bottom level. He turned towards me, where I sat in the very corner of the booth and sent me a wink. It felt like he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> us to end up in the situation we were in with his fingers buried inside me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, still. You have like no points. 400 points in 25 minutes is madness. You have to be genuinely terrible to get that much or less.” As if she noticed that Ben had turned his attention to me she looked over at me too, for the first time since she greeted me. “What about you, Rey? What did you make?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Umm… I think like 200. I kept getting shot.” I smiled, letting her know I didn’t give fuck that she thought I was terrible at laser tag. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh..” she laughed nervously, “Well, maybe you and Ben evened each other out then. Did you both get caught in a standoff or something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s lips twitched, “Something like that.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for the comments and the kudos!! Love it and it brings a smile to my face every time.</p><p>I’m gonna start wrapping this story up as far as some of our plot strings go!! Hopefully I can do that in the next 8 ish chapters..... ? 🥴</p><p>Follow me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Chapter 38</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>👁👄👁</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>A few drinks in and everyone but me and Ben was sloshed. Finn, Rose and all their friends giggled, joked around and played games. Games that Ben and I were roped in to. Games than we’re decidedly less fun to the two of us who were only just slightly buzzed— but leaning more towards the ice cold sober side of buzzed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben had brought into question the legitimacy of drinking games in adulthood but Rose </span>
  <em>
    <span>insisted.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Which of course brought into question her current sobriety— but </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> leaned more towards the plastered side of sobriety. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So the drinking game— which mainly consisted of awkward questions, long sips of alcohol and giggles—brought on most of the drunkenness so I guess you could say that I was fucking awesome at it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay Rey, Truth of drink…” The ingenious and original name of the game, “What’s your biggest turn on?” Rose began laughing uncontrollably the moment the question left her lips, like it was the funniest thing ever. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Most of the reason I was only slightly buzzed was because the questions asked of me were way too easy to answer in the face of taking a shot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmmm probably dirty talking.” I answer easily. It may or may not be the correct answer but it appeases them enough to where it doesn’t matter. Dirty talking </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>one of my biggest turn ons but lately, with Ben, I’ve been losing track of what turns me on the most. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the thought of him I glance up to see Ben already staring at me. “What? You don’t like my answer?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips twitched in a smile, “It’s not that I don’t like it I’m just thinking.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Trying to remember all the times I’ve talked dirty to you even jokingly— see if I think you were all hot and bothered afterwards.” I glanced over at the rest of the table but they were already busy with Finn’s question, which he elected to drink for. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You talk crude. Not dirty. There’s a difference.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head tilted to the side, “Is there?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My nose scrunched at his arrogance, “Yes, asshole. When you do stuff like that you’re just picking fun at me, trying to get me to blush or get me flustered. You’re just joking to get a reaction.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled with a slight shake of his head, “You’re naive.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My spine straightened at the insult, ready to snap at him but he leaned closer and placed his hand on mine underneath the table, “I mean, Reylin— that you’re naive if you don’t think every single one of those comments were to </span>
  <em>
    <span>gauge </span>
  </em>
  <span>your reaction. To see what you responded to.” His voice got a little bit quieter and his eyes got a little bit hotter, “Because that’s what I was thinking about with you. Even in high school when you’d tell me about your sex life or make jokes like that it would effect me. I said those things in a way to see where you were with it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled back and took his hand from mine— and I could finally </span>
  <em>
    <span>breathe</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I took a small gulp of air as he sipped at his drink. “That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy teasing you and getting you all flushed. And </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span> I know— hot and bothered.” He winked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sat there for a moment with my eyes narrowed at him before an uncontrollable smile grew on my face. I tried to bite my lip to stop it and keep from looking like a fool but it was pointless. When it came to Ben Solo— I was a fool. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay Kills! Your turn.” Rose announced, dragging me back to the game. “Truth or drink… Describe the kinkiest sex you’ve ever had.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Killian immediately started laughing and flipped her hair again— her signature move, I’m sure. “Uhh well it was with this guy who kinda liked it rough and stuff. He tied my arms to his bedpost and fucked the living daylights out of me.” He whistled through her teeth, “It was uh… something else.” Her eyes flirted up to Ben who she sat next to and then they turned sultry, “I wouldn’t mind having someone do me like that again.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The invitation and suggestion were blatant.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span> Like it maybe wasn’t the first time.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wait—</span>
  </em>
  <span> was Ben the guy who tied her up? After all of his suggestions and warnings over the past 4 months that seems like something he might be interested in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That thought settled into my stomach like a brick. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben had said he slept with people during his and Paige’s ‘breaks’— just like how she slept with Poe. Although, that was up debate on whether it even happened during their ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>on’</span>
  </em>
  <span> times. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe Ben and Kills had slept together during one of those times and she was referring to it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next hour I sat listening mildly to the question, and thinking over my theories. Though most of Ben’s secrets had been revealed, there were still a few I was curious about. And I want to have a sex with him again. It had been a while and I was still wet from our adventure in the laser tag area… but he’d claimed I wouldn’t come for 2 weeks. I was sure he was joking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pretty sure. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>And by the time we made it to the car, it was late. Everyone was plastered and sliding into ubers or something but Ben was sober, super sober, and had insisted on driving us here and driving me home afterwards. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well that was fun.” He sighed once he got in the vehicle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… they all got a little too carried away with their game. Rose was </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> drunk.” He laughed, “And by the way, your favorite position is missionary? Isn’t that a little plain Jane for you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He barked out a laugh as he turned onto a different street, “Reylin, I enjoy missionary because it’s the most common and convenient to tie you up in.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tie me up?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes left the road for a brief second, meeting mine, before traveling back. “Are you curious?” His voice was low. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A little. But I’m not so sure I would enjoy being tied up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blinked at the road, “Alright.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was no change in his voice. No disappointment. He just accepted it. I felt a knot uncurl in my stomach. “But, I’m willing to try it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I let out a breath, feeling suddenly hotter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Noted.” This time a small ghost of a smirk setteled on his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I couldn’t continue down the ropes and bondage path without asking… “Are you the one who tied up Kills?” </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>His head whipped around to me, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>What?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My spine stiffened, “She mentioned that some guy tied her up or something. Was that you? I’m not mad, I just—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She was lying— bating. She knew that’s how I liked sex and she wanted me to think she would be down for something like that.” He tapped once on the wheel. “I slept with her sister in college when Paige and I were on a break once. Kilian’s sister was into a certain brand of sex and so when we slept together it meshed will with our likes and dislikes. She must have gone home and told Kills all about it. Because that’s not the first time she’s made a suggestion like that. But the time with her sister didn’t really mean anything.” He threw the car in park in front of my apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pursed his lips as he looked me over, “I couldn’t really stop thinking about you. I had just seen you a few days before and I wanted to be with you. Instead, I was with her. Not my proudest moment. And also… I promise—“ he reached over and tilted my chin towards him. “If you ever do want me to tie you up, I can do that for you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There weren't any words, so I lifted up from the seat and sealed my lips to his. He kissed me with softness and emotion. Even across the center console I strived to get closer to him. This kiss was different from all the others, because I felt all his intentions and his care. It was soft and passionate, giving me everything— every part of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben…” I whispered. He just pulled me back to kiss me harder. My free hand that wasn’t sliding through his hair, made a beeline for his jeans. My fingers gripped at his cock through the material and rubbed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe I </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> want to be tied up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it was only a moment before my hand was ripped off. My eyes flashed open just as he pulled back from me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at my pointedly, verifying that I was fully in my chair and there was a good bit of space between us before he spoke. “I told you earlier. You can’t come. And if you can’t come then I’m not coming, because the next time I come will be inside you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My jaw dropped, “So you’re taking a vow of celibacy for the next 2 weeks? You don’t even like… you know—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m not going to masturbate and I haven’t been.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My brain short circuited, “How is that even possible?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned lazily, “You think I can’t control myself? Reylin, I have impeccable control.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m still not sure why I can’t come and why we can’t just… have sex.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t remember coming when I asked you not to? I told you then I won’t make you come for another 2 weeks. That was the deal.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fuck his deal. I wanted him inside me more than anything. Ben was insane— almost certifiably so, but that didn’t make him any less hot. Or his control any less hot. Even his punishment was hot. I was wet from it. But I wasn’t willing to accept it. “You’re not really saying I can’t touch myself though.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s reaction was instant. Nothing on his face changed except a dark flash in his eyes. I held on to that tiny little flash and I reached down and unbuttoned my jeans, slipping my fingers underneath the fabric. “I could always just help myself.” He watched me silently across the car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When my finger finally reached the wetness of my cunt, his fingers gripped the wheel. The Joan I let out </span>
  <em>
    <span>may</span>
  </em>
  <span> have been for dramatic effect but it did feel good. Having Ben watch me, having him look like he wanted to fuck me I’m the back seat— it made everything even more hot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh wow. It feels nice.” I looked up at him through my lashes. “What should I do next?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face was hard— impassive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t play with fire, Reylin.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You like control so much. Tell me how to touch myself next.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I almost thought he was going to ignore me, or tell me to get the fuck out to the car for being so weird. But he didn’t. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Circle your clit with your finger. And use your middle finger to dip into your pussy.” Just him saying it sent shivers down my spine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I did exactly as he said and waited for his next instructions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go harder. If I’m gonna let you do this in my car you better be fast.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My throat tensed. How could he just say stuff like that? And how could my body just react so violently? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because I shouldn’t let you. I want to take you over my fucking knee and spank you right in this car,” my fingers got quicker, “But I’m not sure you’re ready for that.” His fingers teased at my neck and collar bone. He must have seen my reaction to his threat of spanking me because his eyes lit up in amusement. “You want me to? I could spank you right fucking here if you want me to.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I choked, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want me to tie you up...You want me to spank you…” He whispered, leaning in to breathe on my neck. “Want me to fuck your tight little ass next? I might be willing to compromise the 2 weeks for that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My body convulsed, I started to come, but just barely. He gripped my wrist and yanked it away from my jeans, not letting me work myself through my orgasm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bastard!” I huffed. The tiny peak I had crested had barely been an orgasm at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But</span>
  </em>
  <span>… I was surprised he allowed me that much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Was that talking dirty to you?” He questioned with a smirk. “It seems like it was.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You suck.” I was pouting. But I didn’t care.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His smirk transformed into a grin, “You’re cute.” He crossed his arms in front of himself. “Don’t worry. I’m sure we can survive abstinence. I’ve done it before.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I paused, “So you slept with people on your breaks with Paige. But you never cheated on Paige?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Never. Of course not.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I mulled over his words, trying to piece together what he was saying. “How many girls have you slept with other than Paige?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Other than Paige? Six.” He turned to me with a wink. “Including you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t as many as I thought. Which felt good. Because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> been broken up with Paige, sure, but it still felt a little odd that everyone else was mainly fillers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But Rey…” he grabbed my hand and my attention turned to look at him with a serious look on his face, “There was never anyone else. Not </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Even when I was with Paige— even when I wasn’t… a part of my heart was with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart skipped a beat. My mouth opened to say something but nothing came out. I felt choked and overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t know what to say because… what could I say? Everything about him broke the ground beneath my feet and sent me shaking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stared at him, awestruck— searching for something to say. His fingers finally lifted and stroked underneath my chin. “Always.” It was a whisper, but it was loud with his promise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His smile was too much. He looked at me like… like he </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved </span>
  </em>
  <span>me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you better get up there. Get some sleep.” He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Good night.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. “Goodnight.” I whispered, and then exited the car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, what do you think of the dream?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dr. Ackbar cleared her throat, “You seemed quite spooked by it, but now you’ve had a while to think it over. What do you think of the dream? The one with your dad.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure,” I sighed, “Now that I’ve had it a few times it seems less scary. Like… it’s less real.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what about what he said of your mother? You never mentioned your mother doing drugs before. Only your father.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because I didn’t know anything about my mother really. I have no idea what really happened to her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it could be a subconscious memory. That deep down your subconscious is informing you of your mothers addiction as well that you may have seen as a baby. Sometimes that can happen with trauma. A memory gets buried and the subconscious uses dreams as a gateway.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t sure what to say. So I stared at a spot on the wall behind her, mulling over the idea. She liked to talk about the dream a lot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And Ben,” She steered the conversation, “What about Ben?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about him? Isn’t he </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>patient</span>
  <em>
    <span>?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled, “Not anymore. After your cruise he asked for a recommendation for a new doctor. I gave him the number to an old friend of mine named Dr. Chu.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I cleared my throat, “I…. uh… well. Ben is complicated.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you tell him about the dream?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Why is he complicated?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was relentless, “Because, I care for him—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Be honest with yourself Rey.” She interrupted lightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About what?” I was starting to get annoyed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your feelings for Ben are more than just care.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wasn’t this hour over yet?</span>
  </em>
  <span> “I’m not sure what your point is doctor.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We stared at each other for a minute or two in silence. She wasn’t put off by my skeptical glare. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is going on with you and Ben that’s so complicated?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re kind of together but kind of not.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And have you told your family?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A laugh bubbled out of me, “No, definitely not.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just then the alarm for the session sounded, saving me from whatever other prodding and annoying questions she had up her sleeve. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Word of advice, Rey.” She called just as I stood to leave, “Tell the truth. Both to Ben and your family.” She paused, “Even yourself.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I’m not adding anymore chapters..... 45 is my absolute LIMIT!! 😂😂</p><p>Find me on Twitter @feardafaithful</p><p>Or </p><p>Follow me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p><p>Love you guys!!! Don’t forgot to comment and leave a kudos if you like it! ❤️❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Chapter 39</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! Happy vday!!! So here’s quite a bit of sexual tension, banter and fluff. </p><p>But also...</p><p>🚫Please mind the new tags and if anything in there triggers you please turn back. If you just wish to skip a triggering section, then stop at the line.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You look incredible.” Ben’s smile was contagious. It was his birthday. And for whatever reason when I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday, he said that all he wanted to do was have me come over to his place and he would cook for me. Even though I insisted it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>birthday and </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>should be cooking for him. “Come in!” He gestured me though the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, and happy birthday! I really wish you’d have let me cook or something. I feel bad that you’re cooking your own birthday meal.” His place was nice, different from mine. It had a modern industrial feel and concrete floors, and far less windows. But it was big. And the kitchen was nearly twice the size of mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He immediately went back to work, stirring something he had on the stove, cooking. “No, I wanted to! This is my birthday present to myself. All I really wanted was to be with you for my birthday. And telling everyone I wasn’t going out meant someone had to cook.” He looked up from the pot to send me, possibly the sweetest smile I had ever gotten from him. “And I wanted to cook for you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well thank you.” I placed my hand on top of his hand that wasn’t busy and squeezed. He leaned down and met his hands halfway to gently kiss the back of mine before returning his focus to his pot. “You look nice too, by the way.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I made my way around his kitchen to a little bench he had at the island. “So what all did you do today for your birthday? I know you worked some, I heard someone say you were at the office this morning.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I was. I went into the office this morning for a bit and then took a half day. And then ate lunch with my mother.” He worked around the kitchen, finishing up his meal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aww that’s great. I’m glad. How is Leia?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked up immediately, a blank look on his face that I couldn’t really decipher the rhyme or reason for. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I told my mother about my feelings for you.” The way he said it was calm— completely emotionless. Almost like he didn’t want to show how he felt about it either way until he saw my reaction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And how could my reaction be anything but pure mush?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You did?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded slowly. Until a grin grew on my face, and my elevated heart rate I’m sure sent a flush to my cheeks. He relaxed, and for the first time in forever, I felt like I kind of understood Ben a little. Ben had always reserved blankness and an empty look for me. It always confused me why because I rarely saw the emotionless look unless I was somehow involved. But now— when I saw the look it was like it made sense. He was afraid of how I would react to the fact that he told his mom. And it wasn’t that he even told his mom that we were sleeping together (sort of). He simply told her of his feelings. He was afraid of them. Maybe even afraid of how I felt about them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then Doctor Ackbar’s comment floated through my head…. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tell the truth.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Maybe I should. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I told her today while we were at lunch. And she seemed… </span>
  <em>
    <span>pleased</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart warmed at that. “I think that’s sweet. Your mother loves you.” I paused for a second to continue but he cut me off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that okay? I mean— that I told her. Is that okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course!” Leaned across the island to cover my hand with his for a moment before leaning back. “Of course it is. I know I mentioned waiting to tell Rose and Cathrine but—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” His voice was kind of soft and he watched me. Waiting for any sign of apprehension. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben, I—” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I asked that of you. Of holding this a secret,  but— I… I want you to tell who you want. And I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>going </span>
  </em>
  <span>to talk to Rose and Cathrine. Soon. But I just— I want to know what we are before I dive deep into this with them. So I know what even </span>
  <em>
    <span>to</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell them.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at me funny and his head tilted to the side, “Rey, I think I’ve been pretty clear with what we are.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. No, I don’t think so. I mean— are we dating? Are we just sleeping together—“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“—We’re not even sleeping together.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are we just friends…?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know we’re more than that. I mean, </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>— Rey, what do you think this is?” He gestured around his place. “Isn’t this a date? Wasn’t the past few times we hung out a </span>
  <em>
    <span>date?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I’m pretty sure that means we’re dating.” His voice was calm but I saw a little bit of his usual fire in his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay so we’re dating, then are we exclusive?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time his eyes turned annoyed. “Exclusive? Reylin, I believe it was just a few days ago where I told you that I was yours. If there is exclusivity up for questioning it’s not mine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“</span>
  </em>
  <span>Well I’m clearly not sleeping with anyone else!” I responded, in defense. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then why these questions? You know what we are. I told you I’m yours, and I’m yours. I told you I love you. And I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>you. So fucking much. Now you’re right, I have no idea where we stand because of you. But I know where I stand.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My jaw nearly dropped but I trained myself. How easily the L word dropped from his lips sent me for a spin. He said it as if it was easy. As if he always said it. As if he always knew it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>was the one who knew. He was the one who got married. He’s the one who lived with and slept with and tied the knot with another woman. Someone who he loved, </span>
  <em>
    <span>king of</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I was the one who knew. I spent years pining and loving him from afar. Knowing I could never have him. But things changed. I changed. Then we changed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The wedding changed things for me possibly forever. I wasn’t sure if I could go back after watching it. Watching them be happy. So </span>
  <em>
    <span>god damn </span>
  </em>
  <span>happy. Even if it was, in a way, fake. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben, I…” I sucked in a quick breath, “I’m sorry. I know… that things were— are, complicated. And I’m sorry I’m making it worse.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed and out of the corner of my eye I saw him start making his way around the counter. “Rey… you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>making it worse.” He stood in front of me and reached up to run his fingers lightly over my cheeks, sending goosebumps down my arm. 9 years… and this is still how he affected me. “I love you. You being here— spending my birthday with me is making it better. I know that a lot of things are confusing. And I know in the past I did, and said a lot of the things wrong. So I’m sure sometimes it might feel like… whiplash for you or something. So I’m here now. And I apologize for the past that I can’t change and the words I said that I can’t take back. They still haunt me— and I’m still trying to grow. But I’m here now. So if you can…— believe in me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His words held such conviction— such certainty. Tears threatened my eyes. “Okay. I— believe in you. And I’m glad you told your mom.” I felt his fingers brush right at the corner of my eye, silencing the tear that started to fall. “I hope she doesn’t hate me now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A smile grew from the worry lines on his face and he let out a delayed laugh. Then he kissed me gently on the lips before starting to make his way back to the food he had abandoned. “Hate you? No, her reaction was something more along the lines of— ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Well what the fuck Ben? You loved her and you married Paige? You fucking idot.’</span>
  </em>
  <span>—” I could see the amusement in his eyes as he began plating the food. “And then she followed it up a few moments later with —‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m so happy for you guys! Please get her pregnant so I can have grandchildren’—” </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked up at me and sent me a wink and a shocked laugh burst from my chest. “Pregnant? Yeah, no. I’m not sure I’m mentally prepared to get round with stretch marks everywhere. I’d like to enjoy my beauty for a few more years before I give up my beauty.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Speak for yourself. I think you’d look insanely hot pregnant. I’m getting fucking hard just thinking about you being pregnant.” He said it so casually, barely even looking at me much, focusing on his task. But his words sent a flush through me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> Ben wanted to have babies with me? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And the thought of being pregnant turned him on?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t even know that could happen. I didn’t know that was something guys found hot. And maybe Ben was the only one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But either way, I suddenly felt the urge to entice him with the possibility right now. I wanted to tempt him to </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck </span>
  </em>
  <span>me at the thought of me pregnant. But that felt like… </span>
  <em>
    <span>too much. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I wasn’t entirely sure what to say. So I left it alone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t until after dinner that I really said anything of substance. The entire time we ate my brain was distracted with questions and thoughts. Most of which I wasn’t sure what. It was loud. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is everything okay?” Ben asked after I had taken the plates to the sink. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Oh yeah, everything’s fine.” I smiled at him and slid back into the chair, “Just got distracted for a second is all, but uh— I have something for you!” From my purse, I plucked the small wrapped present and shoved it across the table, into his hands. “Happy birthday.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He flashed a goofy grin at me before puncturing the wrapping with the tip of his finger. “Thank you.” I watched patiently as he ripped open the paper. “Oh wow, Rey… is this…” he looked up at me with wide eyes, “Is this our short stories?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The book he held was a printed version of all our short stories we wrote throughout our time in writing club together. I had snatched the book of his, typed and then printed his and mixed some of mine in to create a small book of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, this is awesome!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You like it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He huffed out a laugh, “Of course I like it. Thank you so much! I love it. Honestly.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My own grin became painful, “Well I also got you a massage but that’s in your email. I know you like to hunker over your desk and try and permanently hunch your back. So I thought that might help.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed. “Yes, thank you. Seriously this is perfect. You could have just shown up and I’d be happy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean— I was going to get you a free coupon for sex but I think you’re still holding out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned, “I am.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Bummer.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“By the way,” I slammed my hand on the table lightly, “You stopped going to Doctor Ackbar.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blinked at me, “Yes, what about it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t tell me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well… I’ve only been to the new doctor like three or four time but I like her. She seems… helpful. I think that’s why I felt comfortable enough to tell my mom. Even though apparently she’s borderline insane.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> I rolled my eyes playfully, “Whatever. I’m still kinda pissed I didn’t know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes borrowed slightly and I was caught off guard. Some of the playfulness had left his face, and a smoke entered his eyes. “You’re sassy tonight.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you make me sassy.” I smirked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The smoke intensified in his eyes enough to where I could finally identify it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was getting turned on. And I hoped that it was opening enough to get through his stupid restrictions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood from my seat and sauntered around the table to him. “What would it take for you to lift your restrictions so I can give you some birthday sex?” I wiggled my eyebrows just as I sat down in his lap. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to make sure you learned the lesson I was trying to teach.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what lesson was that, exactly?” I whispered sensually. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His nostrils flared and I felt his hands creep up my back, “That you should listen to me. In sex at least.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you in charge?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt his hand tighten at the back of my neck and then loosen just as quick. Maybe I </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> starting to get to him. “Because that’s how it’s going to be. And that’s how you like it too, I can tell. You just also like to be a brat. But… don’t worry. I can handle a brat.” His voice dropped what felt like an octave just before his lips met my neck. All comebacks and banter left my brain. All I could do was feel. And I felt everything. His lips on my throat. His hand tightening once again on the back of my neck. His cock gardening underneath me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re so fucking cute when you’re sassy.” He whispered into the soft spot under my jaw. “But I </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span> am not going to have sex with you.” He pulled back and smiled at me fondly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My jaw dropped and I groaned. “How do you have so much restraint?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well I was married to a dying woman who I didn’t have sex with.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For like a month.” I grumped, “Barely counts.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well good thing for you… 2 weeks is shorter than a month.” He lifted and placed me on my feet standing in front of me. His lips met mine in a tender kiss. I tried to deepen it but he kept it soft, slow. It frustrated me further. After a few moments he pulled back and kissed my nose lightly. “You should probably head home, it’s getting late.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… I suppose.” I murmured, never once breaking my eye contact with him. “Unless of course you need me to stay the night.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His smile grew but his eyes only got more adoring, “Soon.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time I left, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> late. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The streets were dark, and almost empty. And the parking garage where I parked my car was quiet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But that wasn’t what created the eerie feeling in my stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it was something else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It felt like another dream almost, the way I just knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> was here. It was a superpower really. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Or maybe my subconscious recognized the black Cadillac in the corner a few spots from mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But either way, I was still completely caught off guard when I felt a hand grip my elbow painfully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I screeched but a hand had already slapped on my mouth and I </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> who it was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello Reylin…” Henry whispered into my ear. He spun me around to look at him face to face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had deteriorated a lot since I had seen him just 2 months before. He was on drugs again. That much was clear. And it reminded me so much of my recurring nightmare— the way his eyes looked. The way his voice sounded. The way his skin felt like leather. I wanted to fucking scream. I wanted to curse him. I wanted to stab him. He wasn’t sober. I doubt he really ever was. It was all just some ploy to get my back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>none </span>
  </em>
  <span>of it. Henry was the devil. Of that much I was certain. And whatever reason he was here was scarier than any lie he had told me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re getting home late. Fucking some new guy?” His voice sounded how I’d always remembered it as a kid. Sick. Full of drugs. Genuinely insane. As a kid I didn’t realize it but all those things were true. His words sickened me. “You look fucking delicious. If you weren’t my own daughter I might be tempted to try out the goods.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Meth. It had to be meth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>deranged.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And I was gonna be sick. How could a man say something like that to their child?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good thing I have my sense about me. Otherwise you’d have something to be worried about.” His smirk was atrocious. And he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had no sense</span>
  </em>
  <span>, so I squirmed to try and get away. If his plan was to rape me— there was nothing worse. I couldn’t let that happen. My body spasmed and twitched, trying to break his grip but it only tightened over my mouth and my arm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He backed me up until I hit the wall. “You never answered my calls. I’ve been calling and calling.” He frowned, “So I decided I’d take matters into my own hands. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> me Reybear. And I need you. So I think I’m going to make sure you continue to need me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His knee jerked into my stomach and leaned against it, pinning me into the wall. The hand that held my arm fell and he started to dig into his pockets, pulling out a tiny bag. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I went berserk. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> that drug. I had seen him take it enough times to know it. And know what it does. My limbs were flailing, scratching, fighting— anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he was too strong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pinned me deeper into the wall with his knee until I couldn’t stand the pain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He used the distraction— </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he forced the drugs into my nostril and  then jolted me backwards, forcing me to inhale.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Follow me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>! </p><p>Or follow me on Twitter @feardafaithful</p><p>Hope you guys like this chapter! I’m beginning to get the end of the story (for now) </p><p>But if you remember what I mention a couple chapters ago, I will be going through and editing eventually, and creating 2 parts to this story. That also includes adding new chapters and parts to the story. Which you may want to reread. </p><p>I’m also gonna have the short Ben spin off! Which will come after TMHTL is finished. ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Chapter 40</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter deals a lot with the aftermath of the drugs. If you feel at all triggered by that please be careful in your reading and kind your mental health :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>I need to get out. I need to get home. He’s going to hurt me. He’s the bad guy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just like your mother.” His words echo around my brain on repeat. Over and over again. “Drug whore just like her.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wherever I was I needed help. I needed out. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I needed… Ben. I wanted to see him. I wanted him to hold me. If I could just get ahold of Ben then I could get out of this haze. He could help me. Or get help. I don’t have to be like my mother… or like Henry. Ben could help. I had to call Ben. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ben...</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>My eyes felt heavy. Weighted down by exhaustion… or pain, or… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Drugs.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last thing I remembered was Henry forcing my nose back and sticking something up there until I inhaled. Rage bubbled inside me, but it was quickly extinguished by a sharp stab of pain from my head and from my chest. A groan bubbled from my throat and I tried to force my eyes open. Wherever Henry had me, I needed to get out. Get away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes finally peeled open just a sliver to come face to face with Ben. And Ben was staring at me. He looked like he may not have slept in a week with how red and rimmed his eyes were. When our eyes finally met, a relieved look passed through his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” My voice was raspy, and the sheets beneath my palms were coarse; not like my usual sheets at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey. Hey, are you okay? How do you feel?” He hushed as he ran his hands over my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m… I’m fine I think but—” I glanced around the room, “What am I doing in the hospital? Where— where’s Henry?” I pushed to sit up even though he crowded me against the mattress. “He... Ben, He—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey! Rey,—“ he pushed me gently back into the mattress, “Rey, baby, it’s fine. You’re fine. You’re okay. Henry is… taken care of.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I searched his face, finally gaining more of my witts and feeling a little more like myself. Almost like I came out of a haze. “What happened? I don’t remember anything after…” I couldn’t say it. How could a father do something like that to his own daughter? I knew Henry was crazy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Clearly. </span>
  </em>
  <span>But I didn’t know he truly had psychopathic tendencies. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember seeing Henry? It seemed like he maybe ambushed you at home?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded, “Yeah. He uh— he was in the parking garage waiting for me. He caught me and wouldn’t let me go. He was high… or something. He was talking crazy. Next thing I knew he was stuffing drugs into my nose.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face tightened at my words, “Yeah, he wanted to get you hooked on drugs. So he gave you that and, we think, two other doses. Between the second and the third dose you apparently got lucid enough to sneak to the bathroom and call me.  I came as soon as I could but… he realized and I guess gave you another dose.” He looked completely gutted. “The doctor said it was Cocaine, I think but… Rey I’m so sorry. Baby, I— I can’t believe he did that to you and I wish I could have…” His despair turned to anger quickly. “I wanted to kill him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened to Henry? Is he…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben sneered and his fingers interlaced with mine, “No. He’s alive. But they arrested him. Said he would be going to prison for quite a while. He violated the restraining order and obviously drug possession. Amongst other things…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Forcing me to take them, he means. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where’s everyone else?” I questioned, looking around the room and at the door. I couldn’t imagine Cathrine and Tom wouldn’t be here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cathrine and Tom are just outside drinking coffee. The nurses said we couldn’t bring any food ir drink in here until after you woke up.” He stood up. “Speaking of… I should probably go get the nurse.” He leaned down to kiss my forehead before walking out of the room. “Be right back.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I watched him disappear out the door for a few minutes before he reappeared once more with a nurse hot on his trail. “How long have I been… out of it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The chirpy nurse began her inspection of me and my vitals but it was Ben who answered, “You’ve been here at the hospital for just a few hours. Maybe 6. But uh… Henry got to you three days ago.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Three days?” I gasped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded solemnly, “You called me yesterday evening. I guess you fought him and made your way to the bathroom to call me and tell me just enough that I knew you were in trouble before he… got to you.” At that, his eyes fell to my abdomen briefly before flitting their way up. I quickly grappled with the gown at my thighs, yanking it up. Not caring about the fussing nurse or modesty. Underneath the fabric, right where Ben’s eyes had landed were large bruises, covering my skin–– Purpling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt sick. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes slid back to meet Ben who seemed to look exhausted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Henry had done this. He’d hurt me. He forced me to take drugs. Hard drugs. I could barely remember the 2 days I’d lost. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of the day went by like I was underwater. Ben never left my side. Cathrine and Tom eventually came into the room and fretted over me. Asking me hundreds of questions… then repressing most of them all over again. Even the doctors went in and out, checking vitals. No significant damage had been done. They said I shouldn’t experience any withdrawals and all the bruises were just surface. But they suggested I monitor my symptoms just in case. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Other than my severe dehydration and just the after effects of the drugs… I was okay.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel</span>
  </em>
  <span> okay. But I also felt fine. It was weird. My brain was going crazy. I didn’t really want to be with Cathrine or Tom. Or even Rose or Finn when they came to visit. Just a few minutes with them and I was exhausted. But thankfully Ben never left the room. He would stand quietly in the corner while the doctors spoke with me or my family checked on me. And I was so thankful. He made it all a bit more bearable. And even when the police came to get a statement, he stayed and held my hand the whole time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine, in her few times in the room, had begun to pick up on things. She eyed the way Ben’s fingers lingered over my forehead once when brushing the hair out of my face. And one time I noticed she was studying intently at us when we spoke. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I’d she didn’t already know she was about to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I was too tired to tell her. I wanted to— </span>
  <em>
    <span>god</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I wanted to. I wanted to scream every time she or Rose mentioned Ben going home to rest. But the fog weighed too much. Finding the words to tell Cathrine of all the complexities of Ben and me was almost impossible in that state. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And by the time I got clear headed enough, I was being discharged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben drove me home, despite Tom’s offer, and it was quiet once more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The 26 hours of being in the hospital were loud and fuzzy. I was thankful for the guests and the help of the doctors and nurses but it still felt loud in there. Even in the still of the night. They would wake me up every 2 hours. And every time I would wake up and see Ben’s eyes firmly on me. I was positive he didn’t sleep a wink. And you could nearly tell. The dark circles under his eyes were filled with sleep deprivation and stress. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then again, so were mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I finally walked through the door of my apartment I felt a huge sigh of relief wrack me. My apartment was safe. Maybe the parking garage for my apartment was not— but that I could avoid. Especially with Ben. He walked me directed from the car to the door, and followed me inside. It wasn’t until I plopped on the couch that I even noticed the duffle bag he had slung over his shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I suddenly felt more exhausted than I had before. It wasn’t later, not even close to being a time to go to sleep. But I felt the waves of sleep start to weigh on me. I turned and regarded Ben with sleepy eyes. He didn’t look much better. In fact— he looked awful.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you… staying?” I asked quietly, my voice barely making a sound through my exhaustion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. I couldn’t— I can’t leave you right now. If that’s okay…” he looked around somewhat nervously, “I can sleep in the spare bedroom if you—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” I cut him off. “Please stay. With me. Please.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was almost funny— how hard I saw him swallow. But he nodded, looking almost relieved that I’d said yes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> I didn’t have anything left. My body had nothing left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nearly didn’t make it to the bedroom before I crashed, collapsing on the bed, only absently realizing Ben had settled in behind me on the other side. His hand reached mine with a tiredness I felt too, and he squeezed once before I felt the darkness consumed me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sleep was dreamless. Every part of me felt the exhaustion run its course through my body and my mind… leaving everything </span>
  <em>
    <span>blank</span>
  </em>
  <span>. When I blinked awake I hardly knew where I was. Almost like waking from the haze again, just this time it had nothing to do with drugs. It was dark. Maybe I had only slept a wink but it felt like days. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I was home. My home. In my bed. And I remembered… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben.</span>
  </em>
  <span> My head lifted heavily off the pillow to find him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Standing by the glass looking out at the city, he stood. He didn’t move or flinch. He was still— I could barely see him breathe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben…” my voice cracked with dryness and he spun around to me quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was suddenly across the room with me, gently pressing me back into the mattress. “Hey, lay back down. I’m here.” He say on the edge of the bed looking over me as I settled in. “You feel okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I opened my mouth to speak but it cracked again. I cleared my throat and licked my lips. “How long have I been home?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Almost  sixteen hours.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” I swallowed again as his fingers drifted across my face reverently. “You didn’t have to stay so long.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled down at me and felt absently for a fever, “I just woke up like an hour ago. Apparently we were both tired.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A smile grew on my lips as I looked up at him. “Hi…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His chest lifted in a laugh, “Hey. How do you feel?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel... fine. I’m just—” I sighed as my gaze transferred to the ceiling. “Everything with Henry and with my family… it’s exhausting. I can’t believe he did that to me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean with your family?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean… being around them it’s scary. Terrifying. I feel like at any moment they’re going to find out the truth and disown me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quiet for a minute, and I looked over at him again to see the pensive look on his face. “Then tell them the truth.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded, “I’m going to. But— this stuff with Henry made me feel like I went back a few steps. I don’t… know how to move on from it. It’s like I keep going over it in my head and I’m at a loss. How could he do something like that to me?” A weight pressed on my chest, “Why would he want me to be like him— and— and stuck on the same stuff he has been his whole life?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s distrurbed.” Ben’s whisper was soft, like his touch as it soothed across my face. “He wanted you to understand his addiction and this was the way he thought of. He… also wanted you </span>
  <em>
    <span>tied</span>
  </em>
  <span> to him. Needing something from him. It was wrong, yes— but he had serious issues from the years and years of being hooked on this stuff.” His thumb found my chin and rubbed across it underneath my lip, “I’m just happy I found you in time that the withdrawals weren’t crazy.” He looked broken as he said it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And I felt the same brokenness consume me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My fist reached up and pulled at his collar until he was on top of me and I sealed my lips to his. It was a slow kiss. Soft. And it spoke every word of hurt and love and passion between us just with slight brushes of lips. His hand gripped my hair, even as he kissed me softly. The contrast enough to spend my head spinning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swiped my tongue along his bottom lip to request entrance, but he pulled back. “You should rest.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. Ben—” I felt desperation claw at my throat. “I just want you.” My voice cracked. “I don’t want to wait anymore.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He studied me for a moment before his lips fell back to mine and kissed me quickly. Much more quickly than before. His tongue searched my mouth but with a tenderness and even cautiousness. My hands gripped at his shirt, pulling it up and over his head. He crawled over me and slid between my opened legs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve missed you.” He grunted. The kiss ended abruptly to trail down my neck. I gasped as he reached my collarbones and nipped at the skin there before lifting the thin shirt I wore. My hips bucked up against his. But his hand grabbed my wrists and pinned them back to the bed. “What’s sore?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> I was lost. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You just got out of the hospital. What is sore?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” I did a quick diagnostic test of my body but his teeth latched on to my nipple, taking any thought away but him inside me. It had been too long. “Nothing. Nothing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But his lips didn’t stay long at my aching nipples, he traveled down, releasing my hands so he could peel the yoga pants down my thighs. “Well… I better be sure. Just in case.” His husky voice was the only warning I got before he attacked my covered pussy with his mouth, sucking against my clit. And then the panties were gone and the wind from the fan tickled at it, his tongue coming quickly after. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben!” I moaned, “I want you. Please.” But he didn’t let up. His mouth sucked at my clit while his fingers just circled my entrance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have to come for me first, Rey. I have to make sure you’re good and ready. Otherwise I won’t get inside you.” His finger gently pressed inside me. But his mouth didn’t let up. Between the slow pump of his finger and the torture on my clit with his mouth, I was spasming around him— coming, in record time. But there was no time to recover. Ben had crawled back up my body and aligned himself at my entrance and waited. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” His eyes searched me, looking for any signs that this was too much too soon. That I had changed my mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben, Please.” He slid inside me with one thrust. It had been such a long time since we’d had sex. But the moment he bottomed out it felt like home. Like we had done this hundreds of times and this was how it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>supposed </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He fucked me. But it felt different than just… </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I had so many things I wanted to tell him. So many things I wanted to say but nothing came out. I just watched him. He lifted my legs and placed them on his shoulders, changing the angle just enough that my eyes rolled to the back of my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben. Ben. Ben.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck— you feel… Rey, you feel so good. I want to fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>live</span>
  </em>
  <span> inside you.” He groaned, squinting his eyes before they fluttered open and met mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please.” It was a whispered plee, but paired with the way he looked deeply into my eye, it felt like I was saying more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His pace picked up, and he never looked away. The pleasure was building, coiling in my stomach before I felt the pressure set to explode. My eyes fluttered shut just as I felt the orgasm take over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look at me.” He ground out. My eyes shot up to his and then I shattered. The orgasm was enough on its own but the way he looked at me— it was too much. Our eyes held and shared stories. Shared secrets. Told everything our mouths refused to tell. And in that moment I knew this couldn’t be temporary. At least not for me. I wasn’t sure what the plan was for him. But for me this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>more</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It wasn’t going to go away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His orgasm followed mine shortly after, and his eyes never looked away. When he finally slowed to a stop, my legs were still propped up on his shoulders. He looked everywhere on my face, and over my shoulders, breasts and navel. Until he finally reached where our bodies connected. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t lose you.” He whispered. “I wouldn’t survive.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As I let the words wash over me, I felt him pull away and head to the bathroom to clean up. But I couldn’t move. His words were heavy, and they sat on my chest, draining the breath from me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I can’t lose you. I wouldn’t survive</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had lost Paige… but it was me losing me he couldn’t survive.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was attacked.” My eyes focused on a point on the wall. “Henry— my biological father. He— he attacked me and forced me to take drugs. He kept me for a few days before I got lucid enough to call for help.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, Rey. Did he hurt you?” Doctor Ackbar’s clinical voice swept through the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I let out a single manic laugh. “Not physically. But he did force me to take hard drugs 3 times.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why would he want you to do that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I could be addicted and have a problem like him. Honestly I’m not entirely sure. He had to know eventually someone would find me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Addiction is a disease, Rey. He thinks infecting you will make him less guilty for his actions.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes closed. “That’s a shit excuse. He’s supposed to be my father. Now I can’t even… walk in the parking garage without feeling like someone is trying to get me.” My eyes finally opened as I looked down at my hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But he’s not who your identity is with anymore. Blood doesn’t always mater. In this case, you’ve become more of Tom’s daughter than Henry’s. You inhibit Tom’s qualities. He hold yourself like Tom does. You value his opinion. Henry does not own you. You do not identify with him any longer. Tom and Cathrine are who you are now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was right. But I couldn’t process it all right now. I committed her words to memory so I could think on them later. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who did you call for help?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I paused. “Ben.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And why did you call him? Instead of.. the police, someone else?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I thought on it quietly for a few minutes. She didn’t try and fill the silence. “I didn’t know where I was. Or fully what was happening to me. I trusted Ben to find me and know what to do. I knew…” I finally looked up at her. “I knew he would find me.” </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay guys!! We’re in the home stretch. </p><p>Please continue to comment and share what you love about this story because it keeps me motivated! </p><p>For any posting updates find me on <a href="https://twitter.com/Feardafaithful">Twitter</a> or <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a><br/>Or just if you want to chat and be friends ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Chapter 41</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW:: Mentions of pregnancy, not about Rey.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It took a few weeks, but eventually, I felt normal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No one posted Henry’s bail, and it seemed like his sentence would be decently long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could walk through the parking garage at my house and not have a panic attack. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben stayed the night for the first week. Every night he would pack up and act like he was going to leave but I would beg him not to go or kiss him until he decided to stay. By the sixth night he told me that he was going home and that the only reason he knew he had to was so that I could prove to myself I was strong enough to do it alone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And when I woke up the next morning, completely fine, I knew he was right. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he still came over everyday after work. And it was different then before. Because before we could go a day or two without seeing each other but after I got out of the hospital he would come over, even if all we did was sit out our laptops— him working, me writing. But we were together. Until it was so late that he’d kiss me goodnight and leave. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Every time I had to stop myself from asking him to move back in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes he’d move my laptop from my lap and and kiss my neck until I couldn’t take it any more and would beg him to fuck me. It was always mild though, but I could see the glimmer of my in the back of his eyes. Like he was holding himself back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Every Saturday we would spend brunch at Cathrine and Tom’s, trying to not make it obvious that we rode together. I would always give some excuse that we were carpooling, which wasn’t exactly a lie. And after a few minutes I would feel Ben’s eyes on me. Watching. Looking over my face with a blank look. I never knew what he was searching for. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The third Saturday after I got out of the hospital, we all lingered around. After brunch no one really felt in a hurry to leave. So we all found ourselves playing cards and drinking wine mid afternoon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why does Ben </span>
  <em>
    <span>always </span>
  </em>
  <span>win? No matter what game we’re playing?” Rose whined. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm, That’s because Ben doesn’t talk.” Tom retorted without looking away from the cards in his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced over at Ben to see a self satisfied smirk behind his glasses and cards. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dad… are you saying I talk too much?” Rose sent him a playfully withering look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>saying is </span>
  </em>
  <span>that talking distracts you. And Ben stays extremely focused and as a result he never speaks during games. Hence—” Tom gensteted around the table. “He beats us every time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben said nothing as he laid his next card down in the discard pile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I drew a card, glanced at my hand for a minute before discarding the same card I just picked up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I always lose the worst too.” Rose groaned. “Maybe I need to have a kid so that he can be worse than me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine froze and grasped beside me. She laid down her card hastily and looked over at Rose. “You’re thinking of having a child?” Her excitement was evident. “Grandbabies?” She nearly squealed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn looked terrorized. But Rose just smiled. “I’m thinking of trying soon! Is it too early? I mean we’ve only been married for like 2 and a half months but…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Too soon? No! It’s not too soon. Whenever you want really.” Cathrine waved the thought off with her hand, completely abandoning the game. “You will make a great mother!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose flushed and grinned, “Thanks. I’m not sure yet! Plus I think Finn’s scared.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn had been frozen. His turn was complexity forgotten and I thought about skipping him and telling Tom to go. “I’m… not scared, babe. It’s just… I didn’t know you were ready!” He laughed nervously. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced at Ben to see how impatient he may be. But instead I found him watching me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I mouthed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged and turned to look back at his cards. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well whatever you both decide. But…” Cathrine smile grew, “I would </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> some grandbabies. I’d watch them whenever you want.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tom huffed a laugh, and picked up a card, giving up on Finn and Rose to continue the game. “Literally.” He quickly pulled a few cards out and placed them face up in front of him before discarding a card from his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben went directly after him, drawing a card from the stack and then laying out the remaining cards in his hand until they were empty. I glared over at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that five hundred?” I asked him, looking over at the paper he had sitting beside him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe we should start trying babe! I mean… why wait? I know it might be good for some people but I would love to start a family. Little babies tanning around.” Rose’s voice sounded dreamy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben wrote something down on the paper before looking up at me, “Yep. Five Hundred. That’s a game.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tom sighed dramatically, slapping the cards down in front of him and taking off his glasses. “I need some coffee. And maybe some whiskey.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine, Finn and Rose didn’t even seem to notice we had continued and finished the game without them. “We could put an extra nursery here for when they needed to stay the night for date night. Or… a work trip or something!” Cathrine looked way too excited for a casual conversation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They continued their baby talk conversation even as we moved on to a different game. Board games filled with Rose and Cathrine conspiring. And Finn, who looked nervous at first started nodding and adding in, all the fear from before gone. They were excited. About a baby that hadn’t even been conceived yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben, Tom and I focused on the game, occasionally making comments to each other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben won almost every game. And before we knew it, it was dark out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine, Rose and Finn eventually abandoned the game completely for some food and more baby chat. The rest of us followed them to get some food. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know what guys, it’s kind of late. Why don’t you all stay the night? It can be a sleepover night. Like old times!” Cathrine posed as we piled leftover on our plates. “You kids can go to the movie room and watch something or whatever. I know your dad and I are already tired.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben looked over at me with his eyebrow raised in question. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I’m pooped so let’s just stay here, babe.” Rose commented with a yawn. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s eyes were heated, and I wasn’t entirely sure why. But they held mine, and I felt like the clothes were going to melt off my body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Let’s stay</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he mouthed and a small smirk pulled at his lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I narrowed my eyes at him trying to show I was on to him but my body betrayed me. A flush grew from my chest and up my neck, and the familiar swirl of arousal rushed down my spine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds good, Mom, we’ll stay too.” I chirped, and looked back down at my food. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben grabbed my plate from my hand once I finished making it and walked away from the kitchen. The rest of the family were also dispersing, so I followed him through the house and up the stairs. He stated a few paces ahead of me the entire time I felt another flush cover my cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What were we doing? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Him taking my plate felt… </span>
  <em>
    <span>odd. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It felt personal. What if someone else saw? What if they thought it was oddly personal too? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But at the same time I could only get half of myself to care. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The other half was drenched in lust. Just the simple act of him taking my plate without question and walking in an unknown direction made me wet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something was wrong with me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I continued to follow him until he finally turned into the theater room, keeping the lights off and settling into the farthest reclining chairs from the door. He sat my plate down and then looked up at me, his eyes still hooded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, what are we watching?” Rose’s chirpy question made me jump, spinning towards the door to see where she and Finn were coming into the room with their plates too. “Mom and Dad went to bed.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you want, I’m good with whatever.” Ben tossed the remote into her seat and started eating. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I hadn’t moved from where I stood in the middle of the room, and finally focused back on Ben. I was frozen. And it took Ben another 2 minutes to realize I wasn’t moving and I was just staring at him. His eyebrows pulled together in confusion then he patted the seat beside him where my food was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>An unfamiliar warmth started in my chats at the gesture. But I pushed it aside and shuffled to the seat, to sit and eat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finn and Rose took the seats on the other side of Ben and chose a random movie as we all ate in silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After I finished eating I had nothing to distract me. Arousal still lingered beneath the surface of my skin, and it seemed to only be growing. Out of the corner of my eye I looked at Rose and Finn. They were thoroughly enthralled with the movie. Ben on the other hand, seemed to be lazily watching. Barely focus on what was happening scene to scene. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My fingers inched over to his palm inconspicuously. The blood was rushing through my body too fast. I wasn’t thinking straight, I knew that. But as soon as I felt his skin under mine it didn’t matter anymore. My fingertips drew across his palm in a teasing way, but it was enough that I felt a shudder run up his arm. And then a twitch. I repeated the motion but traveled past the base of his palm and over his wrist. Suddenly, he twisted his hand faster than I could react and grabbed my wrist. A soft gasped fell from my lips and my eyes flew up to look at Finn and Rose. Their eyes were still planted firmly on the screen with no suspicion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My gaze flitted over to meet his after I was sure they weren’t going to look over at us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were narrowed and dangerous. The grip that he had on me hadn’t loosened at all. I ran my teeth across my bottom lip, and stretched my free hand over to his lap. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Reylin.” He growled a soft warning that went straight to my core. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Without pause, my fingers brushed over his crotch, which was, unsurprisingly, hard. I went to give it another good stroke just before his other hand grabbed my wrist, stopping me. There was nowhere for me to move. He glared at me daringly while he held me captive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just then I saw another burst of movement from behind him and my eyes flew up to where Finn had started to scoot out of the chair. Ben’s eyes looked up too and I used the distraction to yank free from his hold and settle back into my chair nonchalantly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well guys, Rose is falling asleep here so we’re gonna crash. Goodnight! See you in the morning.” Finn whispered over the noise of the movie and left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We both watched as they exited the room, almost in slow motion. But the moment we heard the door close behind them, Ben turned to me quickly to pierce me with a glare. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” I asked innocently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes narrowed, then his hand reached out and snatched my wrist once more. Tugging me into a standing position before he took off across the room, nearly dragging me behind him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lust exploded through me quickly. No more did it burn beneath the surface. It was consuming. But he moved quietly through the halls, almost stealth like. His large feet and long movements barely making a sound. While I stumbled, dazed, behind him. He continued his trek down the halls, turning at a few corners until he arrived at the guest room farthest away from the rest of our sleeping family’s room. When he stopped at the door and opened it, he gestured me inside and I finally got a look at his face. It was… ridiculous. He was sexy beyond belief. His jaw was set and his eyes hard. But something else lingered behind his hard features. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get on the bed.” He commanded calmly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My jaw nearly dropped at his tone, but I scrambled onto the bed and sat at the edge. I watched as he slowly closed and locked the door behind him and then he walked further into the room with his arms crossed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My pulse raced as he watched me. He was silent for minutes and I tried to think of something to say to fill the silence but nothing came. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ran his tongue over his lips, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Strip.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The breath I had just taken, caught in my throat. I kept eye contact as I pulled the clothes off of me one by one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lay back on the bed.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I obeyed quickly, trying to even my breathing. This was it. This was it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you to.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Or what?” I whispered, even as I did as he said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He went silent, “Or I will cover them for you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once he realized my eyes were closed he must have begun whatever he had planned. I never heard his footsteps, but I heard the sound of a cabinet door being shut. It had to be 7 minutes of silence. The only reassurance that he was there was the every so often sound of rustling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually curiosity took over and my eyes opened, just slightly. As soon as I found him I also found he was staring directly at me, no surprise written on his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You just couldn’t help yourself.” I could hear the smirk in his voice. My eyes sealed shut quickly but apparently not quick enough. Because in the next moment I felt a piece of cloth being wrapped tightly around my eyes, blocking my vision. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My wrists were next. The softness of cloth circled both my wrists and guided them above my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anticipation was overloading my brain. Every new movement was telling me a new thing that I wanted. I wasn’t afraid. I wanted this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Too tight?” Ben tugged at the cloth on my wrists. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Words, Rey. Is this too tight?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” I choked out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you scared?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No safe words. No special phrases. You tell me to stop anything and I will. Okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” It was a whisper, but apparently it was enough for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tugged at my wrists one last time, making sure it wasn’t too tight but not easily accessible. I wasn’t sure what cloth he was using over my eyes or my wrists, but it was fairly soft and I decided it was maybe a sheet when his tongue swiped harshly against my cunt. Sending a jolt of pleasure through my body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben!” I gasped out into the quiet room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he didn’t let up. His tongue lapped at my wetness angrily and then I would randomly feel his finger circle my entrance. Then he transitioned to sucked at my clit and use his fingers to just barely tease through my folds and into me. It was too much and too little at the same time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben— Ben I need…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His finger finally pushed all the way in and curled slightly before pulling out and pushing back in with more force. His tongue was precise and relentless. In minutes I was coming on his mouth, heaving his praises. But he didn’t stop. He continued his onslaught, only moving his finger inside me faster just before adding another one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s too much! It’s— I can’t…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mouth pulled away from my clit just briefly, “Is that a stop?” And then his mouth was back on, sucking at my clit. Shattering any ideas I had about multiple orgasms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No it wasn’t fucking stop. Don’t stop.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I came again within a minute of the first. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he didn’t let up, </span>
  <em>
    <span>again,</span>
  </em>
  <span> I tried to squirm away. “Please Ben. Please. Fuck me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> I choked as he started to try and add a </span>
  <em>
    <span>third</span>
  </em>
  <span> finger and rushed out, “Fuck me Ben! Please, I need you!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It got his attention enough and I felt the sucking at my clit slow and his fingers pull out. The bed shifted and I couldn’t feel his skin against mine anymore. The cool air rushed to my skin at the loss of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, my legs were lifted above me by my ankles and before I could process it, his palm snapped against the skin of my ass and I shouted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want them to hear you?” His tone was teasing, and infuriating. “Is that how you’d like them to find out?” Another slap to my ass. I tugged at the restraints. His other hand still held my legs suspended in the air. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh fuck.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm probably not </span>
  <em>
    <span>best.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What was he even saying? I was lost. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He spanked me one more time, leaving a sting against my skin. Then he pulled my legs apart and sheathed himself deep inside me in one movement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck, Rey.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>He grunted out. Only pausing a second before he pulled out and plunged back in me. The intensity of his movements and the energy in the room was enough to make me scream. It had never been like this before. I couldn’t see him but I could feel him everywhere and it made me crazy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been dreaming of this for fucking months.” He hissed just above my neck just before he nipped at my pulse point. And then a string of kisses and nips across my neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hand reached down and adjusted my knees, pulling them up and changing the angle. His cock pushed right at the soft part inside of me that sent tingles through my skull. I screeched at the top of my lungs, and it ricocheted through the room, bouncing off every wall. But his pace was punishing;  no mercy. His palm covered my mouth to silence the shrill sounds that left my lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I knew that if I continued they would hear us— if they hadn’t already, but I couldn’t find it in myself to stop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hips continued to snap against mine, basically bruising my hip bones. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then— without warning…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I came. Harder than I ever had before. Not even registering anything else as soon as the orgasm hit. I was lost in it. My eyes underneath the mask rolled to the back of my head and I went limp. Absently, I felt Ben’s hand move from covering my mouth to around my neck where he lightly pressed against the sides— holding me in place and he fucked into me roughly a few more times before he buried himself fully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt the warmth of his cum deep through me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was perfect. Everything was perfect. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The cover on my eyes came off and then the restraints on my wrist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hushed words of praise pulled me deeper into the abyss. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Such a good girl. You’re so good. I’m so proud of you. </span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>My eyes were barely open but I felt him clean me and brush my hair out of my face. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re beautiful, Reylin. You’re everything. </span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled the covers over me, tucking me in as I sunk deeper. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you. I love you forever.</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please come follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/Feardafaithful">Twitter</a> or <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p><p>Only a few chapters left!! And then it will be time for Ben’s spin off... which I am insanely excited for! I recently completely changed my vision for it but it’s.. EXACTLY how I would want it. I’ve already finished the first chapter and I’m gonna continue to write it so that it can be on a schedule! </p><p>As always, thanks for your kind comments and reactions to this story everywhere. This story means so much to me and so does your love for it. 🥰</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Chapter 42</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The aftermath...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When I walked into the kitchen the next morning,  Mom was already standing there at the stove top cooking something. When she turned around her eyes flew up and met mine. She held it for a minute as I approached and a slow, knowing smile grew on her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning, Rey.” Her eyes slowly moved to look over my shoulder, “Good morning, Ben. You guys want some eggs?” Her smile was almost uncontrollable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She knew. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to cook for everyone, Cathrine. I could do that.” Ben offered as he reached the island. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh it’s no big deal. I don’t mind at all actually.” She raised her eyebrows. “And how did you two sleep? I uh— saw that your room was empty Rey.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben and I both went silent for a moment. And before I even had time to formulate a response, Ben spoke up. “Cathrine… I—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben and I are together!” I rushed out. “Well… I assume we are.” I sent Ben a look out of the corner of my eye but chickened out a focused back on Cathrine, who appeared to be holding in her smile with her lips rolled in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, she burst out laughing. “Oh my gosh. Sorry! It’s just so funny because I’ve just been waiting for it since the cruise.” She brushed her hands off on her apron before she ran around the island and enveloped me in a hug. “You guys! I’m so happy for you both.” She pulled away from me, kissing my cheek before she turned to Ben for a hug as well. Afterwards she looked at us both with a huge smile, “I know it’s been a long road coming but I’m so happy you finally got here.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her words sent warmth through my chest and I felt relief I didn’t even know I needed. “Really? You’re not mad?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” She shook her head confused. “Not at all. I know there are some weird… predicaments to your relationship and I know watching him marry Paige really hurt you—” I felt Ben tense beside me, “And I know it broke your heart. But I knew your souls were with each other. It’s not conventional. But it’s— real.” She reached her hand and covered my cheek lovingly, “Even all those months ago when we sat on the porch and I told you to let him go… I </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I was trying to save you the heartache I saw coming. But even then, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> what you two meant to one another. Of course I’m happy for you.” She pulled away and wiped at her eyes before she slowly made her way back around the island to her cooking food. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know, my parents always told me that things that are meant to be will always happen.” She looked over at both of us with a smile. “I think this is proof of that. Because just a year ago we were at the fair when you two had that huge fight.” She laughed good heartedly. And so did we. “Doesn’t matter now. Congratulations you two. Even if it is just dating. For now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mom!” I tried to chastise but the laugh that came out with it sort of ruined the effect. “We’re taking things slow.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh I know! It’s fine. Just saying…” She winked. “But wow! I’m still just… so happy! When did this happen. I mean… I got to the hospital I thought you know— maybe! But I wasn’t sure. And then after the noises I heard last night…” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh dear God…” I groaned but beside me Ben laughed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm just teasing! I mean I did hear you guys go into the </span>
  <em>
    <span>farthest </span>
  </em>
  <span>room and quickly went into mine to avoid hearing anything.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But what about what I heard!” Tom joined in from behind me, suddenly entering the room. I was sure my blush had consumed me. “I’ll be scarred for life.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh hush!” Cathrine laughed as she smacked him with a towel across the chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both teased, and talked, and then asked a few questions as we ate. They were both happy for us. And I— </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span>… felt free. Cathrine knew. Tom knew. And they didn’t hate me. They weren’t mad at me for being with Paige’s husband, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their relationship. A weight I didn’t know had been burdening me, felt lifted. And I </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> then, that I could tell Rose. It wasn’t until Tom and Ben left to clear the dishes I realized that Rose and Finn never joined us for breakfast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Rose and Finn?” I asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine looked up from her plate,slightly sobered. “Oh. Last night they got a call about his grandfather. Apparently he’s very sick and they don’t know how much longer he has to live. Maybe days. They left to go be with his family in Oregon.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh no… are they driving?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. They drove all night. I text to check on them and see if they arrived yet but haven’t heard anything. Finn said they weren’t very close growing up but it was important to his mom that he be there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded in understanding. “Well I can tell them when they get back in town, I guess. I really want a chance to talk and explain myself. I feel like… she may not be happy with me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine reached across the table and squeezed my hand, “She will. It may take some time but she will understand and be happy for you. She’s Rose. And she wanted Ben to move on with his life too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I scrunched my nose, “But I’m sure she didn’t really want it to be with me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s gonna be okay, baby. Rose will come around, I promise you that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’d we miss?” Tom asked as he and Ben joined us again at the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine looked up at him with a smile, “We were just talking. Catching up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben walked over to me, and stood behind my chair, resting his hands on my shoulder in an act of affection so shocking and sweet, I felt paralyzed with fear. This was the first time he’d done something so affectionate in public. This was the first time he was able to in front of people. It was moving really, how happiness flooded me so easily with the absence of fear. “You ready?” He murmured as he leaned over me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only thing I could conjure up in my fuzzy brain was a nod. But I’m sure my eyes were dazed, like I felt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Was this true happiness? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Was this my chance? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled, lovingly at me and I felt like I was going to combust all over again. My head snapped to Cathrine and Tom at the other side of the table who didn’t even bother to act like they hadn’t been watching us. They both had smiled of their own on their face reflecting their thoughts on our exchange. “Okay guys! Well I think we’re gonna go. Grocery shopping day and all.” I stood from my seat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh yes. You guys usually go to the farmer’s market on Sundays! I forgot. Okay, well thanks for staying for breakfast. And thank you for finally telling us.” Cathrine stood as well and reached for both of our hands. “We’re so happy for you. Truly. And we won’t mention it to anyone until you get a chance to speak with Rose yourself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I squeezed her hand, “Thank you. I’m ready to do it. As soon as she gets back I’ll sit her down. You guys and the only people who know right now— well, Leia kind of does, but anyway— you’re the only people who know and I want to have an actual conversation with Rose before anyone else does. I don’t want her to think everyone knew and was just hiding it from her. I know that… things like that are still a soft spot for her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine nodded understandingly and dropped our hands, “Absolutely. So hopefully all goes well with Finn’s family and they’re back in town soon! Yeah?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After that Ben and I said our goodbyes and went to change. We both had clothes at the house, so a quick shower and fresh pair of clothes later, we were on the road and headed back to the city. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cathrine took it well.” He commented a couple miles into our drive back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded, “Yeah. She did. I was… worried, as I’m sure you knew.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” He grinned, “I had no idea.” I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm but then his hand reached out and grabbed mine and he placed a kiss on the back of my hand. “I’m happy they know. I didn’t want to push you… but I was worried too. I felt like it wasn’t real if they didn’t know. And I want this to be real, Rey.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I admired his honesty. I wished sometimes I could find it in myself to be that honest. “It is real, Ben. And I’m happy I told them too. And when Rose and Finn get back I’m going to tell her. Though, I’m sure she won’t take it that well at </span>
  <em>
    <span>all.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Paige… is her sister.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes focused on the road but I could feel his mood go a little more sour, “Paige is your sister too. Maybe not the same thing but still. Whatever Rose has to say that’s negative probably has no grounds. You know, I should probably be with you when you tell her. I don’t want—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? No. Definitely not. This is my conversation to have. I need to do this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But maybe if the explanation of what Paige and I were came from me—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben.” I cut him off, “That doesn’t matter to her. Rose doesn’t really care that you and Paige didn’t sleep together anymore or that she was sleeping with Poe or that you both resigned yourselves to being together out of responsibility and convenience. She doesn’t care about that.” I pressed. “You </span>
  <em>
    <span>married</span>
  </em>
  <span> Paige. Marriage. No matter how much someone may try and explain away feelings for circumstance it doesn’t change how Rose views marriage. She will see this as you abandoning Paige— like their father.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know that.” Ben tried to argue. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes I do. I know that because I know how easy it is to carry on our personal father problems into our everyday life. Into the people we know. And she will do that for you. Because Paige is her sister. And she will defend Paige, regardless of what she’s done until her dying breath.” My nose twitched with oncoming tears and emotion and I tried to push it away. Because every word I said was true. And I knew it. And it would crush me. “She will take it as betrayal. No matter how you spin your relationship. So this is about betrayal. From both of us… but mostly me. So I’ll talk to her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was still for a moment before he finally nodded. Not exactly like he agreed but more like he conceded. For now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We were both quiet for a long while. I watched the road pass by just as we entered the city. “Can you take me home first before we go to Pike? I want to get a different pair of shoes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He adjusted his direction accordingly and then cleared his throat, “I suppose we couldn’t expect it to go as well as Cathrine. She always secretly rooted for us. Even with friendships.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smirked at his comment, remembering something, “Ah yes. The big ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>talk</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ she gave you before I moved back. You never did fill me in on what was said.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed, turning onto my street. “Yeah, not going to happen.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? Why the hell not?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh probably because I told you I wouldn’t then, why would I now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sneered playfully, “Asshole.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” He laughed. “It was a private conversation between me and Cathrine. Who am I to break the ‘bestfriend confidence’ vow?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was ridiculous, but I still couldn’t help the smile that made its way to my lips. So I decided to sigh dramatically to cover it up.“Well at least now I know our relationship is allowed secrets. Good to know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He slid easily into the parking spot with a smile he looked to be fruitlessly trying to control. “Mmm our secrets should be very one sided. I have this one secret. You have none.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We both laughed, making our way out of the car and through the parking garage. We stopped and picked up the mail along the way, and I didn’t even bother glancing through it until we got through the door of my apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, give me a minute, I’m going to change shoes and then I’ll be right back.” I called over my shoulder as I absently shifted through the stack of mail. I walked, not even paying attention to where I was going as flipped through the envelopes. Most of them were junk that I plucked from the pile and shoved into my under arm to throw away later. Until finally, I reached a small, crips envelope. One that I hadn’t been expecting and immediately recognized the name of the sender. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Quickly, I ripped through the fold, and slipped the folded letter, through the tears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I skimmed over the words, my heart pounded in my chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh my God. Oh my God. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I spun on my heels and rushed back to the living room, dropping the rest of the pointless mail along the way. Holding only the letter. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The</span>
  </em>
  <span> letter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben…” I called out until my eyes found him standing at the window. “Ben. Ben.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked alarmed as he rushed over to me seeing the shock on my face that he must have mistook as a bad shock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” He asked, searching my face concerned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shoved the letter at his chest, not knowing what words to say. He scanned the letter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey…” he searched my face warily. “Are you—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You submitted my work.” I whispered, still in shock. “My book. You submitted my book to one of the biggest publishing houses in the country.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked nervous. Scared, even. His face was pinched and tight, like he was waiting for me to yell, and his brows pulled together with tension. “They only took submissions from agents, and I knew that you would never send it to them yourself or anything you—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben… you sent in my book. As my literary agent.” I spoke plainly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face impossibly tightened more. “Yes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears flooded my eyes, and my arm flew around his neck. “I can’t believe you did that.” My throat sounded choked with emotion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hands that rested on my hips pushed me back. “Are you mad?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben, did you read that letter? They said they’re printing 500,000 copies! No I’m not fucking mad.” I said excitedly right before I slammed my lips onto his, kissing him with all of my happiness and gratefulness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, the tension I felt in his back slowly released and he gripped me tightly, kissing me back. I pulled back, too excited and needing to read the letter again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe this.” I said in awe as I reread. “I’m literally… wait—” I read a certain section again, my hand gripped at my chest. “Is this…” I looked up at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your new book.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes scanned his face quickly. My breathing was labored. Everything seemed perfect. He sent my… </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span> book. The book about… </span>
  <em>
    <span>us.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It was perfect. He was perfect. I loved him. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to say it like he said it last night, honest and true and completely full of conviction. But... I couldn’t. Some part of me wouldn’t let me say the three little words he had been able to tell me time and time again. And no matter how hard I tried, something stopped me from saying it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> So instead I kissed him again. Trying to pour all of my love into it— to show him how much I cared. He kissed me back fiercely. His grip on my hips tightened almost painfully before loosening and skimming up my waist to my breasts. Then he was backing me up into my room, never once breaking the kiss. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you. Thank you so much.” I murmured between kisses. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled back just slightly, “But I’m not going to stay your agent.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stalled, “What?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need your own agent. Not that I wouldn’t be happy to do it for you… because as an agent you are one of the best authors I’ve ever read. But I know how things went down with Alex. And I won’t be any hindrance to your career. So even though I submitted the portion of your book, I’m not going to be your agent for the rest. You have a couple of months to find a new agent who will help you. And then that is someone who is not emotionally connected in anyway. And then it will be </span>
  <em>
    <span>only</span>
  </em>
  <span> about your work. And </span>
  <em>
    <span>only </span>
  </em>
  <span>about you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After his speech I just blinked at him. Somehow, I loved him even more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before I knew it my clothes were on the ground, his mouth was on mine and he was sliding into me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And all I could think was…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/Feardafaithful">Twitter</a> and <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>!</p><p>I legit CANNOT wait until you guys get to read the Ben spin off... sooo I’m giving quicker updates 😅 hope that’s okay! </p><p>Love you guys! Love your comments. Please keep em coming ;))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0043"><h2>43. Chapter 43</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ben’s mouth sucked at my neck. Every part of me responded to him immediately. My hands gripped his hair tightly as he ground his hips into me. The thickness of his cock rubbed into my stomach right above my pelvis. I cried out when his hips brushed against my clit, sending shocks of pleasure through me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben…” I groaned. “Please.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please what?” His lips traced my throat until it reached my breasts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My fist hit the mattress in frustration. “Touch me. Damn it. Do something.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled against my skin, sending another wave of goosebumps down my arms. Finally, I felt his fingers trace down my side and into the wetness between my thighs. I nearly billowed with relief until I felt his fingers pass over my cunt completely, dragging wetness lower— and lower until he circled the tightness of my other hole. My body thrashed in surprise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Has anyone ever fucked your ass, Reylin?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If I wasn’t so focused on what his hand was doing as it probed at the tightness, I would have laughed. “No. Never.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hummed, the tip of his finger pushing through the resistance. “One day.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One day?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” He smirked and I hissed as his finger bottomed out to the knuckle. “One day I’ll fuck your here too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I choked out a laugh, “You’re so sure I’ll like it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His finger pulled out and then pushed back in, soaking a pleasure in me I had never experienced before. “I’m sure you like it now.” His thumb strummed at my clit. “So if you like it now I’m sure you’ll let me fuck you here later.” He pulled out and pushed back in a little harder this time. “Won’t you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes rolled to the back of my head. “You…” I gasped. “You’re— Oh god. Ben.” I tried to pull my thoughts together but his other hand reached and began fingering my cunt as well. The double penetration enough to send a tidal wave of pleasure down my legs. “Yes. Yes. I’ll let you fuck my ass. Yes.” I groaned. At that, he picked up his pace and then I was cumming. The feeling beyond anything I’d ever felt before just with the small stimulation at my other entrance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good girl.” He grunted, moving up my body and then sinking inside me. “You’re perfect. So </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking </span>
  </em>
  <span>good.” He didn’t start out slow. He snapped his hips against mine quickly and directly. The feel of him sliding out and back in was almost enough to distract me from the sound of my wetness slicking between us. But not quite. Embarrassment flooded me and I turned my head to the side to hide the heat in my cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Ben caught motion and his finger immediately gripped my chin and he stopped the movement of his cock inside me. “Don’t be embarrassed,” He whispered firmly. The command in his voice was clear. He started his movements inside me again, just slower. “Never be embarrassed with me. I love everything you do. Everything about you.” His hand reached down and slid through the wetness on my thighs. “Especially this. This is for me. This— this… means everything.” His voice was husky and full of want. The pace quickened, beginning to build the pleasure inside me again partnered with his words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gasped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He continued to push into me, gaining speed with each thrust. “Fuck… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I could live inside you. You are… Fuck— I love you. I love you so much.” And with that, I erupted around him, orgasming so quickly and fiercely my legs tightened and caught straight out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time I came down from the high he had sent me to, he was coming too, thrusting even more roughly than before somehow. His arms collapsed and he just barely fell to the side so he wouldn’t crush me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” He asked after the few minutes we took to catch our breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned my head to look at him. “Yeah. Why?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A devious grin pulled at his lips. “Well, you kind went limp goat there on me at the end. Wanted to make sure it was from pleasure not pain.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Limp goat? What the hell?” A laugh bubbled out of my chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry! That was the best description I had.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s terrible. But no. I’m fine. It was definitely from pleasure.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ran his tongue along his bottom lip, “Not that pleasure can’t be mixed with pain but… that wasn’t the goal this time.” He winked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t hold off the eye roll. “You’re cheeky.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re cute.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A warm feeling unfurled in my chest. I wanted to tell him how I felt in that moment. I wanted to tell him I loved him. But before I got the chance my phone buzzed beside me on the nightstand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit.” I mumbled once I glanced at all the notifications. “Rose and Finn are running late for the party.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sat up on his elbows. “But they’re still coming, right? It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> party for being a fucking published author. They have to be there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced at him with a smile. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Published author.</span>
  </em>
  <span> As soon as Cathrine had heard, she had been ecstatic. She insisted on throwing me a party at the house, which could be argued  was more for her than for me since we know her love of throwing parties. She invited nearly everyone we knew, or at least who knew me, and planned it in just two weeks. Finn and Rose had eventually come back into town but only for 6 hours before they got called to go back for the funeral. And then they were off again. So that meant two weeks of not being able to tell Rose the truth. Two weeks of me going over and over again in my head what I wanted to say. But they would make it back just for the party, even a little late. So any discussions about me and Ben with Rose had to wait until the next day. Which was fine. I could wait one more day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben stayed every couple of nights at my apartment for the two weeks. Showing me every part of him that he could. Some nights we would stay up playing board games or card games until we finally collapsed in bed. And some nights he would fuck me. Showing me every deep desire and fantasy he had. Sometimes it was normal, and sometimes he would introduce something new to me. Showing me a new facet of sex I had never known before. It was incredible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They will be there.” I focused back in on the conversation. “Just like 10 minutes late, she says.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled out his own phone and sat up slowly, “Speaking of late... you better start getting ready. We need to leave in an hour. And don’t forget that new agent I invited for you will be there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I slipped from the sheets, not even bothering to cover my nakedness. “Yeah, I do. I want to look perfect. And sophisticated.” I nibbled at my bottom lip in concern. “I hope she likes me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had a goofy grin on his face that crinkled his eyes, “She’ll love you.” I watched him for a moment, feeling slightly light headed by his love. By his words. By him. “She loves you in the book. She’ll love you in real life too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to go get ready.” I said lamely, heading to the bathroom. Only a few minutes later Ben follows me into the bathroom with only his boxer briefs on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His arms circled my waist from behind as his eyes met mine through the mirror, “Hey. Are you okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled softly, “I’m good. Just nervous. But just one more night of distance.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Distance?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… between the two of us. Once I tell Rose then… we don’t have to act like we don’t know each other.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes dropped. “Oh. Yeah…” he slowly pulled away and I spun around to try and meet his eyes full on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben? What’s wrong?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He backed away a few steps and sent me a tight smile, “It’s fine, Rey. I’m glad it’s the last night too.” I opened my mouth to say something but he had already slipped through the door before I could even decide what he meant. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When we finally showed up at Cathrine and Tom’s house for the party Ben had been quiet. The whole drive he had only said a handful of words. It wasn’t a tense silence but silence all the same. He was dressed up, a full black suit and bow tie next to my own silk black dress. We were a little early, and the only other cars there were family who would was helping Cathrine set up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh good! You’re both here!” Cathrine greeted with a relieved sigh. And then she paused right before she pulled me into a hug and sent us both a weird look. “Is something wrong? Is it because Rose is running a little late?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gave her a reassuring smile, “Everything’s fine. And no! She text me. They won’t be here too late. And I completely understand.” Her eyes traveled to Ben with suspicion so I continued. “What do you need help with? It looks great in here by the way!” I glanced at all the decorations and the large balloon arch in the far left corner with a huge picture of my undecided book cover. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh no, honey. This is your party. You can’t help! But Ben, if you wouldn’t mind… your mother is in the pantry trying to reach one of those mason jar drink dispensers. Would you help her and bring it to the food table over there?” Ben nodded and left without another look, towards where Cathrine had gestured his mom was. She slowly slid her narrowed eyes back to me. “What’s wrong with you two? Are you fighting?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A muscle in my hand jumped. “I have no idea. We were…” I sighed, “Fine one minute and then the next he was acting weird.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well you’re acting weird too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m only acting weird because he’s acting weird.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine’s eyebrow raised in skepticism. “Okay. Well, why don’t you go mingle until everyone else gets here. And try not to act weird with anyone else.” And then she was gone too. My eyes rolled slightly at her parting words but I followed through with her request; hugging and talking to the few relatives that were helping Cathrine set up or were just there early. And then more and more people started to show up. Soon, the house was filled with chatter and laughter. And I hadn’t seen Ben since he left to help Leia. I tried not to seem too obvious in my search but every few minutes my eyes would scan the crowd for his thick black hair. Eventually, I broke away from the couple I was speaking to who were offering their congratulations, to grab a flute of Rosé from the circular high tops in the corners of the house. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey Stansel?” A sweet feminine voice called from my side. I spun slightly to greet whoever had spoken. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh wow. Ms. Holdo! It’s great to finally meet you.” I sputtered and then reached forward to hug her. “I’m so happy you agreed to come to this party my parents threw.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tall, blonde woman sent me a kind smile, “Honestly Rey, as an agent this is this most elegant book party I’ve ever been to. You must have some amazing parents.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh well, they’re actually my foster parents but they are the closest thing I have and to me they </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> my parents. But thank you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her smile suddenly grew, “Actually, I was a foster kid as well! And now I foster too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey froze in surprise, “Oh my god, really? Ben never mentioned.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Never mentioned what?” Ben’s voice interrupted, drawing both our eyes to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ms. Holdo jumped in to answer, “Oh Rey was just explaining to me that she was a foster kid. And I told her so was I. It seems that’s something we share.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yes well I figured that was something you might want to share yourselves.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s nice to finally meet you, Ben. Thank you for reaching out to me on Rey’s behalf. I was so happy to read her manuscript.” She looked back over at me after shaking his hand. “It was wonderful really. I fell in love with the characters and how they loved each other and how </span>
  <em>
    <span>real </span>
  </em>
  <span>it was. I truly felt like these were real people experiencing real problems. I cannot speak enough about how flawlessly done that was. And how they finally ended up together? Oh my gosh. I was just... on the edge of my seat the whole time in hope that it would work out!”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hope sparkled in me, it was like I was in a dream. “Wow. That’s… so kind. Thank you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know you already have a book deal with a publisher through Ben but I would </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> to represent you as your agent.” The most kind grin spread across her face and I was floored. She liked my book! She liked me! She was going to represent me! </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Holdo thank you so—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please, Hun. Call me Amilyn. And you’re more than welcome. But you must know that right away I would want to get the other manuscript to the publisher. It’s a different audience but just as compelling.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I paused, “Other manuscript.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes! The one Ben sent me that you had written before this one. I heard that you went through a new publishing house that did you a little dirty. I’m sorry about that.” She sent me a sympathetic smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes traveled to Ben, who had taken a few steps away without me really noticing and was deep in conversation with Cathrine ten feet away. He sent my other manuscript? My heart rate sped up and crawled up my chest into my throat. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He sent my other manuscript</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I had basically tossed it aside after everything with Alexander, haunted by the memories it held. But Ben… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fucking Ben Solo. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My gaze snapped back to the woman in front of me, “Amilyn. That’s… more than perfect. Thank you. And thank you for being willing to represent me even though I’m new. I can’t thank you enough. I— I think I need to check in something for the party though…” I took a few steps back hoping to make the exit slightly less awkward than it was turning out to be. “So I will find you later or I will call you. Something.” I sent her one last smile before I all but fled. Ben had walked away somewhere, and I had just barely seen him walk in the direction of the foyer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben?” I called out, breathless and desperate. I couldn’t wait anymore. I needed to tell him now. I needed to fix things now. After everything Ben had done for me… it was time for me now to pay him back in some way. In </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>way. Ben Solo was the love of my fucking life and I wouldn’t let him go. Months and </span>
  <em>
    <span>years</span>
  </em>
  <span> of trying to push aside my feelings— even after he had expressed his. My fear, my stupid god damn fear… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Allowed it to control me. I pushed aside my love. I couldn’t say it because I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop for Ben to somehow realize he was just using me to get over Paige. Or for him to get up and leave… </span>
  <em>
    <span>like Henry had. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Ben had saved me from Henry. And Ben had protected me from even himself by forcing me to get a different agent. He sacrificed his own self for me daily— just like he had done for Paige but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wouldn’t be Paige.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I would fight </span>
  <em>
    <span>for</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. I would tell him how I feel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had always loved him. Before I knew what love was. Before I knew who he was. My heart belonged to him. I didn’t care that he had married Paige. I didn’t care that I had to watch. None of that mattered anymore. All that mattered was him. And us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had to find him. My search eventually led me to the front of the house, outside, while the party went on through the doors. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben, are you—” I froze. My breath shuddered at the sight in front of me. Rose turned around slowly to look at me, and with just a glance I could see the red rimming her eyes. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Rose.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Her name left my lips like a whisper. And finally, </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I let my eyes travel to the person who stood in front of her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter stood there, looking clean— polished. Cold. Like he had come to burn the fucking house down. Like he had come to destroy something. His eyes glared at me with some sort of air of superiority. I didn’t even remember Cathrine mentioning his name on the guest list but his crisp suit and tie belied his reason for being at the house. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Warily, I took a breath through my teeth, neither Rose nor Carter moved. And Finn was nowhere to be seen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it true?” Rose whispered through her tears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stiffened. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Rose…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How could you not tell her, Rey?” It was Carter who spoke this time, disappointment dropped from his tone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My glare on him was sharp. Angry. I was seething. But Carter wasn’t the problem. “Rose, please let me explain…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How could you do it? How could you sleep with him? My </span>
  <em>
    <span>sister's </span>
  </em>
  <span>husband.” The way she said sister sounded dirty and angry. It cut me, twisting the knife beneath my skin and I nearly buckled. “You fucked him!” She repeated shrilly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears formed quickly and I choked. “Rose, please…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carter told me. He told you— you broke up because of Ben! After their wedding day?” She started to cry harder. “And now you’re sleeping with him? All this time? She was hardly cold in the grave and you…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carter.” A dark voice spoke sharply from behind me. I didn’t have to turn to tell it was Ben. Both sets of eyes in front of me turned to stare over my shoulder at him. My breathing was labored as I tried not to panic. All I could focus on was Rose’s anger. “I think you should go.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter didn’t even flinch at Ben’s coldness. But I saw his eye twitch just slightly. He’d become someone I didn’t recognize since I saw him last. “I was invited.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why did Cathrine invite him?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And now you’re not.” The words stung through the air like bullets and I watched as they smashed into Carter’s skin. He balked at the harsh cut. “Now leave. Or I will escort you. You have no place here and no fucking right to do what you just did.” Ben left no room for questioning. It was direct and dark. If I wasn’t in a state of anxiety so strong based on Rose’s cold eyes as they glanced over me I would have called at his feet in lust and want. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I couldn’t. I had to fix things with Rose. Or—... I couldn't think of an alternative. If I didn’t somehow salvage what’s left of Rose and I’s relationship I wasn’t sure I would recover. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How could I lose her? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My family…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter tried to hold the cold look but when I heard Ben take a step forward from behind me, Carter almost jolted back in fear. Whatever he saw there— whatever look Ben held in his eyes, it was enough to send Carter nearly running in fear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We all watched him leave, and then… Rose slid her steel look back over to me. She straightened her spine once more. “It doesn’t matter who told me. It doesn’t even matter if you told me yourself. This is wrong. Stop fucking my sister’s husband.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gulped in the warm breeze of air, “Rose,— okay, I— okay. Can I please explain? It’s not like Carter said it’s—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you not realize how wrong that is? She fucking died, Rey! How do you not get that? She DIED!” The scream echoed onto the stone of the old house and I flinched. It was inevitable that someone inside heard, but I couldn’t be bothered with that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rose, I promise it’s not what it looks like. I wasn’t trying to be with Ben, I—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop talking.” She spat. “My sister. She was </span>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>sister. She sacrificed so much for me and my happiness. All she had was this one… thing. This one thing, Rey. And you tried to ruin that too.” I stepped forward and opened my mouth but choked on a sob, trying to say… </span>
  <em>
    <span>something. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She held up her hand to stop me. “No. Stop. I can’t even look at you right now. Enjoy your party, Rey.” And then she turned… and was gone in the same direction Carter had run. Emotion crushed me, along with guilt. Silence surrounded me, only pierced by the muffled noise inside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Ben’s voice was still cold and distant when he spoke, I had to turn around to see his face, but it was blank and cold too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She hates me.” I whispered, tears slipping over my lips quickly. But then I realized, it wasn’t just tears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Seattle rain mirrored my heart once again— the heavens opening up and releasing the ache of rain over everything; like it was weeping. Drops cluttered the thin fabric of my dress. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should come inside.” His voice spoke just barely above the sound of the soft rain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded my head, “Ok.” He probably couldn’t even hear the whisper over the growing noise. My feet stumbled forward and I tried to grip onto him but he side stepped just enough that only his hands touched me instead of molding our bodies together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes flashed up to his. My face pulled in question at his stark rejection, but he couldn’t even look at me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes snapped closed and tightened and he pulled back even more. “Let’s get you inside, Rey. I’ll have Cathrine send everyone home.” His whisper was pained, like he was holding back tears of his own under his clenched lids. But when his lashes fluttered open his eyes were bleak, </span>
  <em>
    <span>cold</span>
  </em>
  <span>… And empty.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I’m sorry for the *kinda* cliffhanger 😬 </p><p>AND OMFG AM I THE ONLY ONE FREAKING OUT THAT WE ARE SO CLOSE???</p><p>don’t forget! Ben’s POV will be posted directly after this is finished. Probably the following week! Thank you for all your suggestion for what scenes you want to see in that from his perspective. But if you haven’t let me know yet, please tell me what scenes you want to see! Or things or thoughts or moments. Whatever!!! I have a few chapter written but I’m sure I can accommodate. </p><p>I love you comments and theories! Let me know what you think is gonna happen next.  Love you guys 🥰🥰💗💗 </p><p>Please follow me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/Feardafaithful">Twitter</a> !</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. Chapter 44</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’m way too excited to give this to you guys. My little story is almost finished... 🥲 but it’s just the beginning of something more. </p><p>Only 1 more chapter. And then we’re on to Ben’s POV. </p><p>I also wanted to make a PSA!! There will be rewrites on prior chapters about the drug that Rey was required to take (if you want to know why check my Twitter where I explain a lil bit) this is nothing big but I’d you care you may want to check in the next couple days.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I didn’t see Ben for two days. After he took me to my room upstairs at my parents he left, saying he would have Cathrine clear everyone out. But then he didn’t come back. I stared blankly at the door for hours, waiting for him to come back in. When the door handle jiggled, signaling someone was coming in I felt the string of tears bubble over my eyes when it was Cathrine’s sympathetic face… and not Ben. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She held me for hours while I cried. But she never said a word. I felt the emptiness consume me even with her hand in my hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But when the tears dried, and when the morning came I realized it was more for Ben than it was Rose. Every atom of my body hurt. I didn’t know why he’d left or why he was so closed off to me that night but I couldn’t hide in the room anymore. After the party I stayed there for two days, never once leaving the room. Cathrine would bring me food and ask me if I needed anything but she wouldn’t press for more. If I started to cry again she would hold me and push my hair out of my face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I wanted Ben. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cathrine had briefly mentioned that my work had been notified I would be out, but I wouldn’t have even been bothered with worrying about it. All I could think about was how to fix things with Ben. A part of my brain would try and worry about my broken relationship with Rose but as soon as I started to go down that path all I could think of was Ben’s blank face after she had run off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The third day, I decided to leave the bed. I couldn’t wait in the room anymore. Ben was out there, and maybe I would scream at him and yell at him for leaving like he did. And maybe I would tell him how he hurt me when he never came back. But then I would tell him how I felt. And tell him I was sorry. I was anxious to get to him as soon as possible. Even though my body was sluggish I plucked clean clothes from the chair that Cathrine had laid out didn’t even bother to shower. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t wait any longer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had to see him even if he didn’t want to see me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swung the door open quickly, ready to race down the hall to ask </span>
  <em>
    <span>someone </span>
  </em>
  <span>in the house to give me a ride home when I saw him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben sat on the ground against the wall next to my room and he looked… wrecked. The bags under his eyes were prominent and his hair completely disheveled and unstyled. Even when his eyes finally blinked open to look at me, they were pained and tired. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” His voice was raspy. All the anger I felt before was gone. Why was he sitting outside my door? “How do you feel?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben…” I whispered, “You’re… here.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ran his palms over his sweatpants before pushing himself to stand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You ready? I can take you back to your place.” He began walking down the hall before I could say anything else. The house was quiet, I couldn’t hear a single sound other than Ben’s heavy steps down the stairs and through the corridor. I wasn’t sure whether Cathrine or Tom or anyone else was there but I just followed him, watching his back until we got in the car and sped down the driveway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It seemed like he was always driving me places. And maybe it was because I hated to drive but every single time he drove I felt safe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But the extreme safety I felt with him did nothing to dull the headache I had the moment I walked out of the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben was there. He had stayed. He didn’t forget about me. He stayed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But then why was he still being so quiet and standoffish?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed resolutely and tried to soothe the ache in my throat and head. “Ben, why did you leave?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hand on the steering wheel twitched, “I didn’t leave. I was at the house the whole time, basically.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know what I mean.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t answer and I felt more emotions crawl up my throat. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben—</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we talk about this when we get to your place? I need…” his voice cracked. “Just give me a few more minutes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> The emotion was so thick in his voice and I thought for a second that he was going to cry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I nodded, and stared resolutely at my hands for the rest of the drive to my house. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head throbbed, the pain fracturing my thoughts even further. Whatever was wrong with Ben felt heavy and it weighted the air in the car until it was almost impossible to breathe. Out of the corner of my eye I watched him tense his hands over the wheel, wringing it for life. And his arms bulged from his simple black t-shirt. I was trying not to panic. The tension was getting to me in ways I tried desperately to control. It had been a long time since I had a panic attack and I wasn’t wanting to have one before I even spoke to Ben about what was going on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So I sat quietly, and breathed. Counting each breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he parked I went through the motions of getting out of the car, and following him to my place. The headache I had continued to mount, sending searing pain across my skull. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The haze cleared and I realized I was standing in the entryway of my apartment, and Ben was serving himself a drink from the kitchen. He was tense. I could see the almost tremor in his hand as he poured the vodka into a glass, downed it and repeated. After the second quick drink, he turned to me and seemed to stand up straighter. Vertebrae by vertebrae. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, go ahead.” He inclined his head towards me. It was like he was preparing himself for something, and I was just confused. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about?” I turned a little towards him but didn’t move any closer. “I’m the one waiting on your explanation. You’re acting weird. You— you’ve </span>
  <em>
    <span>been</span>
  </em>
  <span> acting weird. Before the party. At the party. After Rose left you just… disappeared. I didn’t even know if you were still in the house. Why the hell would you do that? When you </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> I needed you. And now you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>drinking</span>
  </em>
  <span>? It’s fucking noon, Ben. What the hell is going on?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He crossed his arms in front of him defensively, “Understood. Now, why don’t you go ahead and do what you really want to do.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’re talking about! Literally all I want to do is just figure out what the hell is—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to lie, Reylin.” It sounded like resigned venom. It pierced my skin and seeped through my veins. “We both know what the ultimate goal is here. I’ve made it easy for you and I won’t fight you. So go ahead.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My headache seared even further. “I don’t know anything! What the fuck are you talking about?” I was nearly shouting which only made the pain worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He growled and slammed his palm down on the counter tops, his eyes crazed. “Just fucking end it, Rey! You don’t have to play around. You want to end things. I understand but stop acting like you don’t already know what the hell I’m talking about.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I froze as my breath heaved, “End it?” It was a whimper really, brought on by confusion and shock and a little bit of hurt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> He bit out coldly and recrossed his arms. “End it now. Simple. You don’t have to draw it out for my behalf. It will be easier if you just hurry up and get it over with.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why would I end it? What are you even saying? I’m not trying to end it.” His words weren’t making sense and the pressure in my head was not helping me piece together what he was ring to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But aren’t you? Rose disapproves. She made that very clear. And not only does she disapprove she made it clear she felt like it was full betrayal by us both. So isn’t that your plan to end it?” They didn’t even sound like questions. He acted distant and cold as he said them like it was clear they were the truth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gaped at him, feeling at a loss.“Ben. I’m not ending this. I can’t believe you even think that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes narrowed, “Why wouldn’t I? You seem to like running away from conflict.” One of his shoulders lifted in a shrug, “This will be just like the other times.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>No. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It won’t.” The anger that had ebbed was slowly making its way back up my body. “I’m not running from this. This is different.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How?” He spat. “How is this different?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sputtered for an answer, “It just is!” After a few steps forward I felt even stronger, but still a safe distance away from him, like he was a bomb waiting to go off. “How could you even think that? After everything?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were sharp on me. “It’s simple. You always run. And I have done… </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrible</span>
  </em>
  <span> things to you so it wouldn’t be so hard to cut your losses. Move on. I’m not attached to you anymore and your sister is certainly through with me so it would be easy. Dump me for her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you fucking serious? It would never be easy. I can’t believe you just said that!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure, it would! I basically ripped apart your life before Paige even died and now it’s ruining your relationship with Rose because you’re with me. She won’t forgive you if you keep things going with me.” He smirked coldly, and his face looked like a mask while his eyes screamed in agony.  “And since it’s just sex to you that she make it even easier.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just sex to me? That’s bullshit! You know that’s not true.” The defense was harsh. But I wouldn’t let that be said. It wasn’t true at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t that what you said to Rose? That you weren’t trying to be in a relationship with me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No! That’s not that I said at all.” I shook my head furiously. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He continued, “And don’t even try to tell me you </span>
  <em>
    <span>weren’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> going to end things because the </span>
  <em>
    <span>moment </span>
  </em>
  <span>she asked you to end it you said, ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>okay’</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Like it was so goddamn easy for you.” He spun away just when I saw the crack in his facade. He was hurting. He was breaking. None of it was right.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I stormed after him, “Ben. Stop this. That’s not what happened. Let me explain.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Explain </span>
  <em>
    <span>what</span>
  </em>
  <span> Rey?!” He shouted. “Explain how I obviously got things confused with my feelings because I love you? Yeah, I already fucking know that. I have for months! I guess I just didn’t care. Because I love you so much I was willing to love you more. I was willing to wait and hope and be your dirty fucking secret. So jokes on me for getting caught up in the emotions of it all.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My heart raced at the anguish in his voice. “None of that’s true. You know how I feel about you. Even before we got together.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let out a pained laugh, “Really?” His eyes squeezed closed, “You can’t even tell me you love me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt choked, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben…</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He cut me off before I could say it, his eyes flashing open angrily, “Don’t! I don’t need you to say it to me out out pity like I’m fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>Carter</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He tensed at his own words. “He’s a piece of shit. And I want to beat the living hell out of him. So don’t treat me like him or I will never forgive you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But that’s not true and you know it!” I yelled. “I love you!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He froze at the screamed confession and my face crumbled, “I have loved you my whole fucking life. I love you so much it killed me inside. I love you so much that I sacrificed my happiness to watch you marry my sister. Because I thought you would be happy! And yes, you’ve said a lot of stupid shit but I love you so much that I don’t even care anymore! I loved you in high school. I love you now.” I rushed forward and gripped his chin between my thumb and my pointer finger. “I know I haven’t said it. I was scared and anxious and paranoid. And I’m so… so sorry. But I don’t care about anyone else.” I shook my head and tried to swallow back the tears that brimmed my eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care what Rose thinks. Or what Carter thinks. Or even what Cathrine and Tom think. And I was going to tell you that. I left Amilyn to find you and tell you I love you. But then I found Carter and Rose and things got all fucked up— but, I love you so fucking much. And </span>
  <em>
    <span>you’re </span>
  </em>
  <span>the reason why I could never love Carter or Alexander anyone else.” His eyes held mine and I watched as the weight of my words crushed him. “You’re the reason I couldn’t just tell someone I loved them because I wanted the words to mean something for you. And I promised myself I wouldn’t waste them until I felt for someone how I feel for you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears fell from my eyes and I pushed forward, “I don’t care about them anymore, Ben. I will talk to Rose, and I hope to make things right. But I don’t regret being with you. Or loving you. My only regret is that I didn’t tell you how I felt sooner.” It was a whisper of truth, and his own brokenness met mine as I reached up with my other hand to wind through his hair. “You and me… we’re forever. I can’t fight that anymore. And I won’t. I’m so </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>sorry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let me finish.” I whispered gently and then swallowed back my pride. “I want to be with you, Ben. I want to love you for the rest of my life. Everything you’ve done for me… I— I can never repay. You give everything—Just like you gave Paige. You always give everything of yourself. But now I want to do the same. I want to give to you. You deserve that. After everything you’ve been through you deserve someone who will give back. And that’s what I’m gonna do. My love, my life. My heart. It’s yours. Always. Forever.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t wait another second and he pushed forward and kissed me hard on the lips. My tears smeared across his cheek as he held me. It wasn’t a deep kiss physically, but the emotions that passed through us were endlessly deep. We gripped each other with all the strength we had left in our bodies and for the first time in hours, my headache seemed to lessen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled back and ran his hand over my cheeks to wipe up the tears, “But what about Rose?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shrugged, “If she doesn’t change her mind it’ll be okay. I’ll be sad but… I can’t live in fear of what she thinks about us anymore. You mean too much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned and pulled back slowly, “Are you sure you aren’t just saying you love me out of pity?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A laugh bubbled in my chest and I rolled my eyes, “You’re crazy. I’m pretty sure I told you I loved you first.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like a whole year ago at your anniversary party.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He narrowed his eyes, “Okay first off, that was almost two years ago and that doesn’t count.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes it does! I told you how I felt. And then you forced me to talk about it more for the next few months! It was traumatizing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I mean it doesn’t count because you never said it once we were actually together.” He looked at me seriously, “Once we were together I would say it all the time and you never said it back.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Guilt crept up my neck, “I wanted to.” I offered weakly. “I was scared. I thought that this would all… end at some point. I kind of felt like you would move on.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey…” he sighed, “I liked you the minute I saw you in my seat at writing club. And I fell for you not long after that. If I hadn’t moved on since then I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>never </span>
  </em>
  <span>going to.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sent him a weak smile, “But I didn’t know any of that. Sometimes I feel like there's still parts of the story I’m missing and sometimes I feel like you’ll just realize I’m not good enough some day.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quiet as he studied me. “Like your dad.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head bounced in just the smallest nod. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey, I’m never, ever leaving. I mean,  I know you felt like I left this weekend but I was just… I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>sure</span>
  </em>
  <span> you were ending things. And it broke me. To think of losing you. But even then… I couldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> leave.” His hands gently brushed mine off of his face so he could grip the sides of my neck. “I’m not trying to scare you but… I want to marry you. Maybe not tomorrow or next year. But one day. And when I marry you it will be because you own my soul. It belongs to you in ways I can never explain.” His words shuddered through me but I had no time to recover because he continued. “I can never leave you because you own me. So I want to marry you. And have kids with you. And build a life with you. And I will pour everything I have out for you but this time not out of responsibility like Paige but out of devotion. And mutual love and respect.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His chest seized against my palm, “You’re everything.” He whispered. “I won’t leave unless you make me. I won’t go unless you’re with me. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>own </span>
  </em>
  <span>me.” He repeated, and all the pieces of my heart that had been shattered over the last two years finally pieced back together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because maybe for the first time… I believed him. He wasn’t leaving. He wasn't going to hurt me. He was mine. And I was his. </span>
</p><p> </p><p><em><span>Because</span></em> <em><span>he owned me too. </span></em></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Come say hi on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/Feardafaithful">Twitter</a> !</p><p>Also I post sneak peeks on there of future chapters and Ben’s POV spin off sooo 👀 you might wanna check it out!</p><p>Hope this cleared up some of the concerns!! And let me know what you think 🥰🥰</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0045"><h2>45. Chapter 45</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Wowwowwow okay so this is the end of this book. TMHTL has been an amazing ride that I have loved so much. And all of your support has been incredible. </p><p>I love to write angst and I’m so happy that the angst was able to resonate with some of you and you could enjoy it. </p><p>THE FIRST CHAPTER OF BEN’S POV BOOK 2 WILL BE POSTED MARCH 29TH!!</p><p>Book 2 will be called Show Me How To Live. </p><p>It begins in the last 1/4 of TMHTL and will continue on sometime past it giving you guys an epilogue. It will be on a posting schedule since I already have 4 chapters prewritten now. If you would like some sneak peeks go check out my <a href="https://twitter.com/Feardafaithful">Twitter</a></p><p>Okay, okay. </p><p>No more talking... </p><p>SO LONG FOR NOW ❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I’m not ready to go back to work.” I groaned, slinging my arm over my eye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beside me, Ben chuckled and gently reached to lift my arm up so he could look at me, “We could always call in again. I can work from my laptop and you…” He shrugged, “You don’t even have to go back to work if you want. You could quit and focus on your writing if you hate it that much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed and sat up in bed, letting the sheet fall down to my lap, “No, I can’t. I love my job. I’m not ready to quit yet. It’s just…” I looked over at his naked body longingly, “I’m not ready to go back into the world and not see you. And I’m not ready to put a bra on.” I squinted my eyes shut to relieve the pressure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The headache was back, but probably because I knew what I had to do that day. It would be my first day back at work after my “sabbatical” and I would have to go over to Rose and Finn’s house. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was dreading it. Especially having to leave the bed with Ben.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re having lunch together. And then after you meet with Rose will be together all evening. Plus, it’s almost the weekend.” He grinned and walked around the bed to where I was sitting on the opposite side. “And maybe… we can use those vacation days that we’re saving to go somewhere. Just the two of us.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” It was an airy question. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His smile grew, “Yeah. We can go wherever you want to go. Caribbean, France, China, Spain. Wherever. You choose and we’ll planet.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Happiness swirled inside me again. Life with Ben had been perfect the last few days, and this was even better. The idea of getting to travel with Ben and see things, something I knew he wanted to do but had never gotten to do before because of Paige, seemed like the worlds greatest gift. Because he wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span> to choose. He had been biting at the bit to see the world, I knew that, but he cared more about spending time with me instead of a specific place. And I felt the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll think on it but honestly I could go anywhere. As long as it’s with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned and then he kissed me lightly on the lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll talk about it tonight. But go get ready. Otherwise we’ll be late.” And then he smacked me lightly on the ass and started getting ready.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We both had to be at work at the same time so we rushed around the apartment, getting dressed and then to his dismay, getting in our separate cars to drive to work. But it was necessary, really, because after work I would be taking both of our letters and going to see Rose and he would be heading back to his place to get more of his stuff. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After our talk, we spent the next day together. Completely in our element. And I finally got the nerve to ask him to move back in, permanently. We had spent too much time apart to let another minute pass us by. I didn’t care if he still kept his apartment, because I wasn’t afraid we’d be over or in a fight anytime soon. When there were no outside factors, Ben and I never fought. We agreed on every movie, tv show, food choice, dessert option— </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It was perfect. And Ben was completely on board with moving back in as long as I wasn’t worried it was too fast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In some things, I wanted to go fast. And I didn’t care what everyone else thought anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I arrived at work it went by quickly. Ben and I had lunch together and then we both went back to our respective offices and tried to catch up on what we missed through the week since we were </span>
  <em>
    <span>both</span>
  </em>
  <span> gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But despite all of the happiness, I still felt little pieces of dread when it got closer and closer to the end of the work day. Rose hadn’t taken the news well, and it could be how Carter explained it but I also knew that Rose felt betrayed. What she knew of her sister wasn’t the complete truth. And it wasn’t that I wanted to ruin her foundational views of her sister but I wanted her to know what was real. And Paige and Ben’s epic love story </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn’t. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So in between work I plotted out how the conversation could go in my head. Until I heard a soft knock at the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come in!” I called, and waited to see who pushed through. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Apprehension washed through me when Carter walked through the door and my headache swelled just a little more. I needed to take more meds. “What are you doing here?” I bit out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter’s face was impassive, but he didn’t have the same cold ruthlessness as before, “I came to apologize.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes narrowed as I gripped the edge of the desk, “I don’t want your apology.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel bad about how I said things…but…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” I snapped. “There is not </span>
  <em>
    <span>but</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Carter. There’s only you being an asshole, and destroying my relationship with my sister.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That wasn’t my goal.” He crossed his arms over his chest and that once tiny flutter I would have at seeing the muscles of his arms was gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood, “No, your goal was to ruin my relationship with Ben. Out of some petty, stupid, </span>
  <em>
    <span>pointless</span>
  </em>
  <span> jealousy.” My glare on his was harsh, but I didn’t care. “But you didn’t succeed so you. Should. Go.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No! I’m not gonna go, Rey until you let me explain myself.” He took two long strides further into the room, “I’ve been coming for 3 fucking days to see you and explain and you’ve been gone. So let me do this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could have murdered him in that moment. His demands were extraordinarily angering along with the way he demanded itX Because he had </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span> right. Absolutely no fucking right to be here or ask for a second of my time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took my silence as assent and continued, “Listen, Rose invited me because she said you were in a really good place and would be happy to see me. So I came, because… I don’t know, she said you’ve been going to therapy so I thought maybe you </span>
  <em>
    <span>were </span>
  </em>
  <span>really in a good place and healing or whatever and maybe— who knows. I just wanted to see you, okay? I didn’t know what I was walking into. She said you’d be so excited to see me and that you’d broken up with your latest boyfriend or whatever a while back, and it wasn’t until we got to the house that I realized what happened. We were walking up and I didn’t see your car.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He swallowed and tensed, “Just Ben’s. And I said something absently to Rose about the fact that your car wasn’t there and she said, ‘Oh maybe she rode with Ben. They’ve become pretty good friends after Paige died. Rey was really </span>
  <em>
    <span>there</span>
  </em>
  <span> for him.’ And it just hit me. She had </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span> idea.” He squeezed his eyes shut for a second, “I got so fucking angry all of the sudden because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I knew you were with him. I knew I would walk in and see you and you would only see him. Because after all these years I’m still hung up on you and you’re still fucking hung up on him!” The very end bordered on a shout. But I said nothing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carter </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> changed a lot since I last saw him. And not in a good way. “And so yeah. I fucked up and I told her the truth. And as soon as I did, I regretted it. I wanted to take it back. But then you walked out looking for </span>
  <em>
    <span>him.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> He spat the word like it was a curse. “And then I didn’t anymore. I was fucking pissed because somehow he’d won! He’d got the family, and the life. And you.” I watched him fall apart in my office. He looked wrecked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I tried to be cool at the wedding. And when I broke up with you again I kinda in my head did it as a test. I thought maybe you would realize he wasn’t worth it. But the funeral and— and then the party. I just… I couldn’t. And you walked out looking stunning. But with his name on your lips. So I… yeah. I was angry. And I hurt you and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have told Rose like that. It wasn’t my place.” He looked at me pleadingly. Like I held the answer and key to his happiness. But while his excuse was good it was still just that. And excuse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, thank you for your apology, Carter. But I don’t accept.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He froze and his face twisted in pain, “Rey, please…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” I cut him off harshly. “You spoke. Now it’s my turn. I’m really sorry, Carter for leading you on and hurting you. I know that was wrong. And I wish I hadn’t but my relationship with Ben </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> my relationship with my family is none of your business. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben.” He flinched, “And I’m not saying that to hurt you but I want you to understand— I love him. And I loved him long before I ever met you. That’s not ever going to change. And what you did was lashing out. And maybe if it was past me I would just forgive you and move on and we could be friends but not only am I not past me but you’re also not the old you.” I walked over closer to him but kept a safe distance, “You’re not kind anymore. And you’re bitter and you’re angry and I’m sure part of that is my fault. But… I’ve come too far to go backwards.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A small little smile played at my lips, “I’m happy. And I want to fix things with Rose so badly that it’s making my head hurt, but… if I don’t that’s not going to ruin me and Ben’s relationship.” He looked like he was about to cry as he tracked my every movement, “And if you really still cared for me you’d be happy that I </span>
  <em>
    <span>am </span>
  </em>
  <span>in a good place in my life. And therapy is helping. And shouldn’t only be happy for me if it leads me back to you.” The whispered words hung in the air. We stared at each other for a few minutes until a resigned look crossed his face and his eyes dropped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right. Well, I’m sorry still, Rey. I’m sorry I hurt you. I hope that one day you can forgive me.” He sent me a sad smile before he turned for the door. He paused as he gripped the handle standing still for a moment. “I forgive you for everything else. You don’t have to hold on to what happened between us.” He whispered and then shot out the door, leaving me with only silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben stormed through the door a few moments later. “Rey? Are you okay?” He looked around concerneingly, “Your receptionist said that Carter was here.” He finally came up to me with a face full of concern. “Are you okay?” His hand reached up and held my cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine. Totally fine, actually.” I sent him a soft smile. “Carter was here but… I told him to leave.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His brows pinched together in concern and he continued to stare. “What did he want?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He wanted to apologize. He explained the situation and just basically said he felt sorry now.” My shoulder pulled in a tint shrug. “It doesn’t matter, though. I have no interest in reconciliation. He needs to move on. He can’t hold on to me anymore.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben seemed to relax a little bit, “And he didn’t hurt you? He didn’t do anything?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled but shook my head, “No.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He relaxed even further, “Sorry, I just… even since Henry attacked you I always think…” he huffed out a breath and dug his fingers into my hair, “It’s fine. Doesn’t matter. I’m just happy you’re okay.” He placed a soft kiss against my lips and then pulled back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He didn’t say anything interesting?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. But I’ll tell you about it later.” I sent him a smile as I pushed him gently away. “You have an appointment in 20 minutes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He winced, “Okay. I know. But call me on your way home from Rose’s, okay? Or if you need me to come there.” He started walking out of my office with a pointed look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I will. I will! I promise.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time I got to Rose’s house I was exhausted. The day had been draining and my headache never once let up. Even with caffeine and medicine it still circulated through my skull and behind my eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I was ready. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After my talk with Carter, and then with Ben, I felt more at peace and more ready to do what I had to do with Rose. Maybe we could come to a place of understanding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My feet carried my to the door and I knocked, taking a deep breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose opened the door and froze when she saw it was me. “What are you doing here?” She sighed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shifted on my feet. “I want to talk.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look, I know I was harsh the other day but I was honestly just really caught off guard. And hurt. So maybe if you just give me some space—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I cut her off, even though her words were a huge relief, it wasn’t enough. “No, Rose. Please. I had already planned on doing this, this week and you deserve to know the truth. About everything. Please let me explain. I want to tell you the full truth.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She eyed me for a little bit, seemingly contemplating what I had said. And then she jerked the door open a little more and turned to walk into the house. I followed behind her quickly as we weaved through the classic style home until we reached her sitting room in the very back. She settled in on one of the couches and I laid both my and Ben’s letters in her hand before sitting in the seat across from her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are these?” She asked, not even opening them yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sucked in a deep breath, “They’re Paige’s letters she wrote. I want you to read them. I think they’ll explain a lot. And you can just give them to me at brunch on Saturday. Or keep them. It’s up to you. But first I want to explain that… Ben and Paige were never in love. They knew each other for a long time like you know and grew a little attachment. Friendship and they had crushed on eachother but Paige—… Paige fell in love with someone else.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who?” Her tone was soft. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Poe. And he loved her too but she was already with Ben and she already knew her days were numbered so she didn’t want to drag him into it. So she stayed with Ben and Ben nursed her as much as he could and signed an NDA to keep her secret. But began to realize that Paige was in love with Poe.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded slowly in understanding, “Okay, but what does that have to do to you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. Not really, but I wanted you to know that.” My head inclined towards the papers in her lap, “That letter will mention me. And how she realized Ben cared for me. And the truth is I cared for him. Since I was in high school, before I even met you guys I loved him.” She stiffened, but I continued, “I love him Rose. And what Carter said—  it’s not true. I was in love with him, yes, but I wanted to move on. I never did anything with Ben or tried anything with Ben or Vice versa while he was married or while he lived with me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So when did things start?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“On the cruise. I confronted him about him acting weird and he kissed me. And that was it.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kinda. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“And then we got back and things… progressed.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I don’t have to hear more of that.” She made a face, but it was lighthearted. And I smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anyways, he told me he loved me and we were trying to figure things out. And then that day 2 weeks ago at Catherine’s when we stayed the night I got up and we told Cathrine and Tom and I was going to tell you too but you guys were gone.” I swallowed, “I swear it was never my intention to hurt you, Rose. Or Paige. But I love him so much. And I’ve fought it for so long.” I shook my head, trying not to allow emotion to clog up my throat, “I can’t give him up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sighed again and looked down at her hands, “So what now? You guys are like… together?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I swallowed thickly, “Yes. We’re together.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what does that mean? Are you guys going to like… get married?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. Rose, we’re not—  we’re not trying to get married tomorrow or anything. Maybe one day. But we’re not rushing to the altar. We’re just happy to be together right now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her lips rolled in between her teeth as she thought. “And my sister and Poe? Did they… sleep together?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded slowly after a second of hesitation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She winced, “And you didn’t do anything with Ben while they were together?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. Not at all. Not even until like 3 months ago on the cruise.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm sorry. I know I’m asking a lot of questions.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ask as many questions as you’d like.” I encouraged, finally feeling the tension ebb a little bit. But the headache seemed to somehow get worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It distracted me for a minute until I heard her next question, “How long has Ben known that you have feelings for him?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Two years. He realized at the anniversary party.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her eyes widened as realization dawned. “Oh wow. That’s… </span>
  <em>
    <span>shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>. That’s why you went to San Diego.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We needed some space. And I couldn’t be around him. So I left… I went to San Diego and tried to move on. When I got back with Carter it’s because I really thought we had a chance. But when I came back…my feelings for Ben were still there. And no matter how hard we tried to fight it a weird friendship formed. Like somehow we still needed to be close to one another.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you and Carter broke up because…” she trailed off, the answer already there. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Because of Ben.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded sharply, “Yep. Not my finest moment.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If Carter knew then why did he—” She looked confused, trying to understand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carter shouldn’t have done what he did. But we spoke. He’s sorry. And I’m sorry too, Rose. I’m so so sorry that you had to find out that way and that I didn’t handle it correctly. But… you’re my sister. And I love you so much. Even if you hate me after this, I love you and I want us to be okay someday.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose studied me as I spoke and she continued to watch as the emotion exuded off of me in waves. I was desperate. I refused to give up Ben, but I didn’t want to lose Rose either. Rose was my sister— the closest I ever got to having one. And while our years together brought us closer I knew that I wasn’t blood. I wouldn’t be accepted and forgiven as quickly as Paige was for all her transgressions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So I waited. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You really love him? And he loves you?” Her voice was small, and I could hear the hint of acceptance on the other side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. I love him, Rose.” My nose twitched with the burn to cry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded, “Okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Okay. I… understand. I forgive you, Rey Rey.” The relieved sigh that left my chest was almost laughable. “And I’m sorry for all I said the other night. I was really hurt. I felt.. betrayed. Like you had been with Ben this whole time. And it didn’t just hurt that it was Paige’s husband. It also hurt that I felt like it was some huge secret that everyone knew about but me.” She bit her lip, “How I felt with Paige. I didn’t want to feel like you kept a whole part of your life from me too. But I reacted wrong. And I was hateful. And I’m so sorry about that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smiled, “It’s okay, Rose. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I promise to always tell you from now on.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A small smile grew on her face as well and suddenly it was like all the tension was gone from the room, “Honestly, I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner. After I found out it was like it all made sense and I saw all the signs. Like clearly you guys were gone for each other. But my stupid brain just couldn’t catch up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We laughed together, allowing ourselves for the first time to speak freely about everything. We sat in her sitting room for a long time. She asked me questions and told her stories, until we were both tired and I left to head home. It was dark outside and the nighttime brought a crisp chill through the air. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I grabbed my phone on the walk to my car and dialed Ben’s number. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, baby. How’d it go? Everything okay?” He sounded urgent and concerned as soon as he answered and I couldn’t help but smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everything is… perfect. She took it so well. We’re all good now.” My feet stumbled slightly as I walked, beginning to feel slightly dizzy from the intensity of the headache. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She listened? And she— you guys made up?” He sounded impressed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yep. And she is happy for us actually. I’m happy.” And that was the biggest thing. She was </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy </span>
  </em>
  <span>that I’m happy. It felt perfect. I had everything I wanted. I had Ben, finally. For the first time I. My whole life. I had my family, who loved me and were supportive of me. My book was being published. And I had a great agent. It felt like the pieces of my life that had shattered over and over again from all the shit that happened over the past two years with Ben, and then Paige, and then Henry and Alex, and even Carter— all those pieces were coming together and it was perfection. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow. That’s… fucking amazing.” The relief in his voice could even be heard over the phone. “And so you’re all good? No one is going to try and kill me or you?” He joked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” I smiled, freezing in my spot just before my car. “Everything’s perfect.” I felt dizzy with happiness. Or something like it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You sound funny. Are you okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just happy. So happy.” My eyelids closed and opened a little slower. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Well then I’ll see you in a bit. I love you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My head swam and my heart raced in my chest. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Finally</span>
  </em>
  <span>, everything is perfect. “I love you too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The phone </span>
  <em>
    <span>beeped</span>
  </em>
  <span> to signal the end of the call and I swayed on my feet. The searing in my head amplified to unbearable pain, debilitating me from waking any further. The once dull constant ache seemed to become striking. I felt immobilized with it. Then, the crushing weight on my skull burst. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Darkness consumed me. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>My body went limp. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I passed out. </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Scream at me on <a href="https://fearthefaithful1.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> or <a href="https://twitter.com/Feardafaithful">Twitter</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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